Alone Again...Naturally.: Alone....24/7....... - Care Community

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Alone Again...Naturally.

bagpuss105
bagpuss105

Alone....24/7....7 days a week.....month after month...Christmas? Don't even mention it. Do relatives call? Nope. I called one last year....she had two of my other cousins with her...and it sounded when I spoke to her like she'd had a call from her dentist !!! I gave up TRYING to chat after a few minutes....was I interrupting something....their meal, I asked? 'Oh no...we're just playing some parlour games..' - Never again will I bother.

34 Replies

Families !!! !!!! So sorry to hear that you feel lonely, especially this time of year when it's all about families, do you manage to get out at all?

bagpuss105
bagpuss105 in reply to Mydexter

Rarely....it;s a pretty long bus ride into my local town and when I do...why ? Whats the point.....buying a £3 coffee on your own, orhving a pub lunch alone is more miserable than having one at home...sad, but you kind of 'give up' after a number of attempts.

Mydexter
Mydexter in reply to bagpuss105

Never give up 😃 There are so many other lonely people out there just like you , have you tried joining something, there are so many things going on , try googling places in your area, I know it's hard but what's the alternative, being on our own.

bagpuss105
bagpuss105 in reply to Mydexter

I have tried SOOOOO many places...groups galore....(obviously they have to be in my age group) and none has been of help....most cost a lot to join, and as a 'newbie' I have always found it VERY difficult to 'break into' a group of people who have already 'bonded'....often have been completely ignored, which makes the problem worse.

Calianna
Calianna in reply to bagpuss105

Hi 👋

Hope you are well

Just wondered if I can do anything to help you

Love 💕 Colly x

07776276515

bagpuss105
bagpuss105 in reply to Calianna

A chat is always helpful when you feel that the world is against you...esp as THIS time of year. But....leave it up to you. Let me know. Only if you are 100% happy with this ....and with a day and time.....thanks so much. x

perhapes you could send me a private message ide love to be your friend by e-mail if you would like x

I do feel for you as I have always been shy and felt an outsider, I'm not quite so bad as I've got older, ( late 60's) but it's still there a bit I hate walking into a crowded room for example, but I force myself to do it, no one is going to do it for me, and after all what's the worse that can happen? Luckily I'm not on my own but I do know how you feel.

Do you have any hobbies or interests, I love dogs and help out in an animal charity shop and at a dog shelter, dog are always glad to see you 😃

bagpuss105
bagpuss105 in reply to Mydexter

The WORST of all is when you DO....sometimes with the help of medication, which I have been prescribed....pick up the courage to walk into a crowded room - and.... then are ignored. Horrible. Makes you realise how thoughtless people can be at times.

So sorry to hear that your family don't contact you, that is so sad. Do still keep contacting them sometimes though, and sending cards etc. Although it might seem futile at the moment you never know when someone might change their mind and think to get in contact, or even need your support with something. Have you thought about volunteering if you are able? Rather than joining a group where you find it difficult to bond, volunteering gives you a purpose and role, and you will more naturally meet people through doing that role instead of feeling pressure to make friends and bond immediately. Good luck x

bagpuss105
bagpuss105 in reply to Sarah_S

One thing REALLY troubling me right now...my Aunt...who NEVER contacts me as a rule (once/twice a year...) has asked me to go to her 90th birthday party in January...now...I went to her 80th (on my own) and after wishing her Happy Birthday....of course....all her friends, sons, & grandchildren etc and their families turned up...and I was left completely on my own for the rest of the evening and I was 'Billy No-Mates' for 3 - 4 hours. I am on medication as I am prone to panic attacks in crowded situations and especially at 'events' like this...so had to keep leaving, & having a walk outside...before returning....NOBODY had 'missed' me! I expect the same will happen this year....,the other problem is I am on a limited income and will have to get taxis both way....and as she lives 2 hours away, this will cost me around £150-ish. I am in a genuine quandry about this...and REALLY DO NOT know what to do. If I don't 'show my face'....she might be annoyed/upset/disappointed....but if I do go, I am sure it will be a really stressful and lonely evening for me, after I have 'done my duty'. (Obviously I have not told anyone about my 'problem' ) Have some hard thinking to do over Christmas.....do you have any advice, as I am genuinly 'in two minds' whether to 'chance' going or not...(I have a nice present for her....which can easily be posted...) - any 'advice' gratefully received. Thank you so much. x

Hi bagpuss!

Christmass?? For the masses, but with all that 'giving' and so busy grasping, there's no time like the present that could be spared thinking about others. Yet carers give all year, manage for others, let others do nothing to help (bcs it's easier than seeing the look, holding of breath, sighing and general unspoken words) lose individual life choices, and feel guilty if they need to ask for a day off!!

Hi bagpuss! I'm here to share a smile with You! ☺I am 58 and alone most of the time myself. I have social anxiety as well, but not with panic attacks, I just can't get myself to be a part of anything. I even cancel Dr. appointments, dental appointments, etc. I even wait for months to make hair appointments even when I know I would feel better about myself when it's all done. Such a struggle. I have a hard time greeting people out in public as I feel very shy. I wish I could see someone like you when I'm out about. I would love to be acknowledged. The people that don't acknowledge you don't know what they're missing. I would just like to share a smile and greeting with you from across the pond. I'm in the US. Blessings, Carol

Thank you Carol....I wish you all the best....shame you aren't a neighbour...I'd have SOMEONE to chat to over a coffee...sadly, I only have my cat...who is good company - but doesn't say a lot...!!!

People generally don't understand.....I am genuinly terrified of going to my aunt's 90th birthday party in January...(there will be DOZENS there) - I don't know if I WILL be able to...(we're not that 'close'...) and Christmas and New Year alone makes life 100% worse. Hey...what can you do..? Take it a day at a time. Life isn't 'fair'...and never will be, unfortunately. x

That's exactly what I need! A friendly face to chat with over coffee (or tea). It's hard to find that these days. Your cat is a wonderful companion though. I've had a few during my lifetime. Right now I have a collie. He's ever so sweet, but he can't carry on a conversation with me too well. He just stares at me. I do get a lick now and then and always love that. I've been wanting to take him to obedience class, just not sure I can pluck up the courage. What part of England are you in? I would love to visit the Cotswolds one day, but that is probably just a dream. I think the letter to the family member that would most understand your situation sounds like a good idea. I remember that feeling of isolation at family gatherings with my ex-husband. I could hardly wait to leave. But, I did go and was just glad when it was over. I survived. I went for my children. It's okay if you don't want to go. It really is. You don't have to do anything you don't want to in a situation like that. We have to take care of ourselves first, because no one else is going to. I hope you can find peace with this. You are a very special person, unique and different from everyone else, just as I am. We all are. We need to grasp that and feel good about ourselves with every little flaw that God gave us. We are beautiful and precious to Him. I try to always remember that. Take care, Carol

Thank you. I really apprecate your words. x

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Why not write a letter to your aunt telling her exactly what you have told us. Tell her you would love to see her but explain about the panic attacks. Hopefully she can make sure that you are looked after at the party. If she doesn't reply that she understands, then don't go. No point making yourself miserable but if you can get them to understand your situation then it could a new beginning for you.

What area do you live in? maybe some people here will know of a good place in your area for you to go to meet others.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and ideas. I'm very grateful. I'll think about the letter...but she is not easy to 'chat' with about things like this....she is a very 'Pull yourself together!' kind of person. I think the best thing to do is see how Christmas and New Year goes...and take it from there.

I Manchesterford its one day, shops are a pain and some people but its one day and we even have shops, pubs and restaurants open JUST ONE DAY +.

So sorry to here about your difficulties. With regards to your Aunt I simply would not go. It's ridiculous to expect you to pay all that money to attend something you won;t enjoy. I would simply write to her saying you cannot afford it but send your best wishes. I'm suggesting writing so you don't have to say this by phone. The seed will have been set by the time she phones you back. Good luck in all that you do.

Thanks SO much....that is my inclination....but I try so hard to do the 'right thing'....but sometimes you have to take difficult decisions which don't please everyone. I have bought her a couple of lovely presents...so hope she understands....YOU obviously do....thank you.

lell1
lell1 in reply to bagpuss105

Hi Bagpuss. When did you become less important than a bully? Even if she tries to make you feel guilty, just what are you 'guilty' of? Sometimes the 'right thing' is to do what feels right for you, not what looks right to others.

bagpuss105
bagpuss105 in reply to lell1

Absolutely...thank you. It's hard to look at things in perspective, sometimes...!

Callendersgal
CallendersgalAdministrator

Hi bagpuss105

I feel your pain, as someone whose family (including my own grown-up children), really don't bother with me at all. I smiled in an empathetic way at the description of your phone call to your cousins as my own sister speaks to me in the same mode.

My own solution has been to learn to be strong on my own, and not to bemoan the fact that for some reason, my family can't be bothered with me.

For a long time I searched my soul, asking what I had said, or done, or what aura I gave out, but for the life of me, I couldn't come up with a single reason why I was so unpopular with all of them.

So I set about being happy on my own and not pitying myself, but all of THEM, for being so unempathetic about my being alone and lonely.

I've learned foremost, how to be happy with my own company and no longer wistfully try to force anyone into contact with me.

I'm not that sociable a person, but I've joined a dance group and have fostered, if not friendships, then kinship with others.

Sure I worry about dying and lying alone for months on end, but after all, it's not me who will suffer for this, but my family, for shame of having left me in that state.

As for your aunt's birthday celebration, why not attend for long enough to wish her a happy birthday and to pretend to be sociable and then leave early. It's her occasion after all, so really a duty for you to keep her happy, rather than an evening of happiness for yourself.

Sorry, this isn't very cheery, and isn't a solution for all, but by being strong, and not pitying myself, I feel much better leaving them all to their lives and not trying to push myself upon them.

Not looking for an evening of 'happiness for myself' at all....just that the thought of being completely ignored, after initial pleasantries have been exchanged....as happened when I went to her 80th...is appallingly depressing, and as I get 'panic attacks' in crowds, is it really worth going for a quick 'Hello...Happy Birthday' ? ! She has dozens of folk going, and a big brass band in attendance....(it's in a vilage hall) and has her children and grand-children there as well as numerous close friends...so doubt my non attendance would make much of a diffeence. Have bought her lovely presents which can easily be posted - and it's a £100 plus taxi ride away (I can't use public transport...and she lives in the 'middle of nowhere') - still a bit of dilemma, but one I'll have to resolve myself.

Callendersgal
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to bagpuss105

In that case, I'd seriously consider just sending your present and making some kind of excuse for your non-appearance.

I only hear from family when they need something

Bagpuss 105. I am sorry to hear things are difficult for you, just wonder if Age Concern have a group that volunteer to phone people that may feel lonely or cut off...I am sure they are good listeners and would be happy to phone you on a regular basis.

We had a white cat who lived to 21 and when she was about 10 we had two daschund sisters, who she loved but nevertheless she was definitely the boss and although they were happy to all be on a chair or settee together , she spread hereself out, and ny two dogs were always obediently squashed in the corner.

Now we moved to retirement flats 7 years ago and I lost my husband two years ago but although it was a very difficult decision at the time now I think it was the right one..

I hope things work out bit more for you..life is not easy I know.. take care

Hather 😊

Animals are a GREAT source of love and affection....they never 'have a go' at you....and are always there....never critisise or condemn you, and their love is unconditional. Wish people could be like that...!

I contacted a phone 'company' for my age group 'Silverline' (founded by Esther Rantzen)...who listen to you when you are 'low' or depressed...and they promised me they would set me up with a 'Phone Friend' to call once a fortnight,...or once a month.. Took all my deails...my address...my interests etc...and said they'd be in touch. This was several months ago. They promised me this THREE times. Nothing has happened..

I know they are volunteers...and probabl;y VERY busy...but...even so...NOT good. Given up.

Hather
Hather in reply to bagpuss105

Please try just one more time .. your request may have just overlooked because of so many request..not nice I know...and upsetting I am sure...but have another go explaining how much you would appreciate a telephone friend.

Good Luck. ..love to read you have found one 😊💐💐

bagpuss105
bagpuss105 in reply to Hather

What do they say..? Try, try and try again? Well.....I think three times is plenty....also....fool me once...shame on you. Fool me twice....shame on me for being an idiot. I think I've been very fair and given them loads of chances. Being 'rejected' a FOURTH time would be unbearable. But I do appreciate your thoughts.

So sorry where do you livr

bagpuss105
bagpuss105 in reply to 27952mm

South Manchester area...

Please find where your local Voluntary Service is and ask about help and meeting people and where the local meeting centres are , they a so supportive x

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