Today's post is inspired by a recent discussion on the support group.
Guilt is a bitch.
Over the years I have felt that boy's eczema was MY fault. Perhaps when I was pregnant I didn't eat well enough (although I know I ate a damn sight better than I did with my first pregnancy, well hello 4 stone..... I was a walking weeble) maybe it was those 3 glasses of champagne I had when I had no idea I was even pregnant. I wasn't planning on getting pregnant just yet, and Boy was a little sooner than anticipated. Maybe it was the stress during the pregnancy? We moved house and rescued a 5 week old puppy.
Then I began to feel that Boy's eczema was my fault because I wasn't feeding him properly. Perhaps I weaned him too early? Perhaps his diet wasn't good enough? Maybe if we went gluten free? Maybe if I cut out all dairy. More fish? Then I felt guilty that I wasn't allowing him to eat what his friends were.
Then I was told that perhaps it was my fault, one doctor expressed concern at my fillings (now those, although I felt guilty for I know were not my fault. My mum gave us loads of fruit juice for the vitamin C and it wrecked my teeth). I was cooking with the wrong pans, if I only used cast iron, and replaced all mine with Le'cruset perhaps, Boy would be fine.
Later on I felt guilty that perhaps I wasn't using the creams right, I wasn't applying as much as he needed or as often (even though I knew I was).
Then I was made to feel guilty about stopping the steroids and refusing immuno therapy.
But during it all what I most felt guilty about was Boys suffering. The crying and screaming The fact he looked 'different'. The disturbed nights. I even felt guilty that I found Boy hard work. Surely if you are a good enough mother you would breeze through the suffering, and listen with a kind ear.
So I guess what I am trying to say is bollocks to the guilt.
We all do what we can, with the information we are given AT THE TIME. None of us intend our children to suffer. We mean well, and we try to do what is right.
So if you are using steroids on your child and it works for you, good, I am glad. Do not feel guilty. I am not going to be a smug mother pretending that my world is perfect as we are not using steroids. I will not pass judgement. You can and must only do what is right for you and your child. The only caveat I will add to that is please make yourself aware of the signs of Red Skin Syndrome, I never even knew it existed and would have saved myself years of money and pain by knowing earlier.
If you have a child going through withdrawal....and its heartbreaking. Do not feel guilty. You allowed your child to use steroids because you truly believed they would work, and I bet like me you asked repeatedly about the side effects, and I would lay money on that all you would have heard about is skin thinning. I am sure like me, you beat yourself up with 'what ifs' and 'with hindsight'. We only did what was best for our children at the time.
So bollocks to the guilt, let it go, force it away.
Except then I have the realisation that I need to dash, as I feel guilty for spending so long on here. Perhaps this guilt thing may be harder to shake than I thought........
This was first published here, hope it helps someone....