Hello all.I've no hope that my brother will stop drinking. Last Saturday he was discharged from hospital after a week with low sodium and fluid retention in legs so bad it was trickling down the outside. Doc said if you don't abstain, I give you a couple of years at best if serious infection doesn't see you off first. Bro repeated this conversation to me, seemed shocked, said all the right things. He came to stay at mine for the week. I was on leave from work so able to look after him a bit. He went out on Weds and I found alcohol hidden in my spare room. I rang liver nurse. I got numbers for support groups from her. Had a conversation with bro. He reckons he has numbers already but could stop any time. I said you need support to stop otherwise you would have absstained back in March after first ascites drain and shock diagnosis. I said you'll need carers to come in and help you soon. £20/hr min. Then £5k/month for care home, hospice. He said he'd stop. I went away Fri for weekend. Left him healthy food, easy to prepare or micro. Also his fungal infection cream needs applying to groin area - it's bad. Other cream for severe dry itchy skin. Got back today, no food eaten, no ointments applied, but 3 x 3 litre of Frosty J@cks cider in his room with half pint on bedside table! I am furious. Last week I was upset, sick with worry, anxious. Today, sad and resigned. He's due to go back to his on Tues after he's had dressings changed. How do I go about arranging for carers to go in every other day and help him? I'm happy to support him with admin, cleaning, shopping but I can't do physical care as I work full time. Believe it or not, I'm not cold and hard or uncaring, but tonight I've had enough and I'm not doing this anymore. What is killing me is that we're close, he's honest with me. I've been honest with him and said there's only one way out of this and that's to abstain. I said you have grade 1 varices, no issues there, no signs of HE yet, so you have a short window to turn things around. I know and I will he says. When? How much worse does it have to get? Anyone on here been in my shoes? Partners/relatives that refuse to abstain? Thanks for reading and letting me off load. Wishing everyone very best wishes.
Yours resignedly
PL
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Painterlass
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good morning Painterlass , sorry for what you’re going through, unfortunately I went through the same thing with my brother earlier in the year, the outcome for your brother will not end well if he doesn’t abstain, this can go on for a long time or he could deteriorate very quickly, Have a look through my previous posts and show your brother how things could pan out, I wish you all the best on what I know is a very and challenging time
Hi TomGill. I am so sorry for your loss. It's so upsetting to read your previous posts but I really appreciate your reply with your very sad experience. I will read your previous posts to my brother. I have calmed down now although am adamant he's going to his home tmrw after we see nurse. At least at his there's no shop within walking distance! All the best, PL
I am so so sorry to hear about your brother, this sounds an impossible situation for you.
I think sometimes it helps to see the condition your brother suffers from as addiction, with the liver disease caused by the addiction. Because it is a disease. Addicts will tell you they are fine, reassure you that they don't need help or that they will go and get help tomorrow. And then tomorrow. Then they'll just finish off that drink and then they will go. The BLT Helpline or Al-anon could be really helpful for you as a family member. It's very hard to find where supporting someone through a bad time just moves into enabling their behaviour to continue.
The big shock of just how bad their health is because of their drinking is sometimes the catalyst and sometimes, it terrifies people so much they revert to coping the way they know how - alcohol. For my husband, it was the realisation he needed. It's been almost 2 years since he stopped drinking alcohol overnight having drunk heavily (4-8 cans of beer every night) for 20 years and extremely heavily for 6 months following the death of his father (2 bottles of wine plus 3-4 beers a night). He realised that if he continued our children would grow up without their father and that was enough to stop him. Has it been easy? No. Are there other, less damaging addictive behaviours habits formed as a result? Absolutely. But coffee and shopping are not going to kill him, whereas continuing to drink would have killed him in 6 months.
Thank you RugbyMama for reminding me that it is a diseas. I encourage him but I am not mentioning abstenance to him again. He knows what he needs to do. Despite my frustration here, I am kind to him, I love him and it's reciprocated. That's all I can do really. I will see what nurse says about his legs tmrw and take it from there. I am pleased your husband has been able to find the strength. My bro doesn't have children. He says he's not given up though, he wants to get better, have a dog, work part time.... we'll see... All the best to you and many thanks. PL
If you are in the UK and would find it useful to talk things over, our nurse-led helpline is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 3pm on 0800 652 7330 (excluding bank holidays)
We facilitate a range of virtual support groups for people living with a liver condition (and their families and carers).
If you [are in the UK and] would find it helpful to speak to others with shared experience, you can register to join a group here
hi there, I come from a family with various addiction problems. My mum is an alcoholic and has been since I was early teens, Im now late 40s. I’ve done everything to help her, rescued her, admitted her to hospital, got rid of all the alcohol, she has been in rehab 3 times yet continues to drink. My only advice is to set boundaries, be clear on what you won’t tolerate and if you have to walk away. My mum is in her 80s, I’ve had a horrendous year with her and finally cut all ties as it nearly destroyed me. I had two brothers who have both passed away through various mental health challenges. It is heart breaking but you can’t let yourself be taken down too. Wishing you all my best for the months ahead x
Hi Guppy26. I am so sorry to read about your experience going on for years and the loss of your brothers. Thank you for sharing. My boundary is no alcohol under my roof so I've asked that he goes home after visit with nurse to get leg dressings for oedema changed this morning. Sending you very best wishes.
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