I am an absolute idiot. I have just got out from hospital last Tuesday following a medical detox. My wife has left me and I don't know what to do. I lasted until yesterday and unfortunately had a couple of cans last night and tonight to numb the pain I am feeling. I feel the heavy guilt, the voice in my head telling me to do it and as I am on my own I just seem to follow the voice like a robot on the path to destruction. I was on AA meeting last night and I just couldn't take it all in. They are speaking so much sense but it was going in one ear and out of the other. My sense of compassion and self preservation seems to have dissapeared from my brain with all the medication I am taking and I really dont know what to do next.
I had CT scan, ultrasound and endoscopy last week. They found varicies in my stomach which should not be there as I have had TIPS proceedure.
They wont do a wedge pressure test through fear of me having cardiac arrest like last time they tried.
They said the varacies are well covered so if I keep on taking the beta blockers and HE meds I can turn this around, stop drinking and in 6 months get on the transplant list.
I feel like my head and my body are in different worlds fighting against each other, one for want, one for need and the part in the middle cannot make sense of anything unless i have a drink. Then you are back to square one!
I am going to go to bed now and have some oxazepam which the hospital left in my meds bag, only 2 days in but going to try and stop this right now after typing.
Sorry for being an idiot and thanks for anyone who reads this
J
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BigJimmy45
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Sorry to hear your story of helplessness and hopelessness. I can’t give you advice but I have been there brother, it’s a horrible feeling. It was the alcohol that made me feel the rationalization of my situation made sense. It was just causing more irrational thoughts. My wife didn’t leave me but if I was her I would have. I was so selfish, full of self pity and regret. The regret and garbage I carried around was what made me drink. It took the doctor telling me I was going to Die soon to catch my attention. I had stopped drinking many times in my life so that part I could handle, after getting over the psychological and physical pain of withdraws.
It was the garbage and regret that I carried around with me that always brought me back to that death spiral and brushes with evil. (another story)
To each their own, I had to set a certain priority in my life. It went God ( who took all my guilt and garbage from me. It was to much for me to handle) 2 myself. I had to take care of myself physically and mentally. I couldn’t help anyone if I couldn’t even take care of myself. 3 Family. Then business and the rest.
Forgive yourself man, Start working on your priorities. It’s been 9 months with no alcohol, I just hope I didn’t do to much physical damage. In compensated cirrhosis now. Working out, eating good. Could go into all the medical stuff but that’s another conversation. Good luck and God bless.
Your situation sounds similar to my mum. She is now 80 and cant stop drinking despite being close to death. She is full of regret, self remorse but still she drinks and in the process causes me so much upset and destruction. She goes to AA meetings just like you but that doesnt help. She has alcohol related brain damage now.
If you dont stop I fear you will be just like my mum. There seems to come a point when there is no return for some and AA doesnt work for everyone dont let that happen to you. Maybe it is time to find a different support group - there are lots out there. There are also apps you can use - read about Surf the urge, you can do it it.
It is important to prioritise yourself before others will.
I am so sorry you are struggling. You really can turn this around but there does come a point when that ship will have sailed. My partner underwent a medical detox and has not drunk for 2 years and he has gone from listed for transplant to having almost normal bloods. If you take away the cause the liver can be very forgiving up to a point.
There are other support groups or counselling options out there if AA isn’t for you, maybe a 1-2-1 session might be less overwhelming. Not sure if you have been allocated an alcohol nurse but they might be able to help. You have had a set back but take each day at a time. I firmly believe that alcohol abuse is an illness and there are often underlying reasons why people drink.
I found your post very difficult to read. I really do hope you went to bed and slept and didn’t get up in the night to access some cans because the yearning was too great. I’ve been in a similar place to you…which is why it was so difficult to read. I can promise you one thing…if you can keep alcohol out of the equation then life can improve. Your health can improve with it. There is support out there…I strongly suggest you access it. It can really help you through the more difficult times. Unfortunately though, the main actor in this situation is you. You can turn this drama into a tragedy or you can transform it into one of those happy ever afters. It really is in your hands…
The majority of us on this forum are here because of alcohol addiction.
The only person that can help you is YOU. Firstly Fight for your life, because you are going to lose it if you carry on. And secondly also fight to get your Wife back. You have stated she has had alcohol problems in the past Be each other’s rock.
It’s not going to be easy. None of us have had an easy time. There is no one waving the magic wand.
Take each day as it comes. If AA is not the right support group for you, find something that is. I stopped drinking by willpower. The thought of not seeing my Grandson grow up was my motivation. And 11 years on of total abstinence, I’m achieving my goals. And he’s a typical know it all teenager lol
I think of alcohol as poison. And death. It’s ruined my life, as of many others. But there is a life to be had even with cirrhosis. And you can also have that life
I don’t think you have yet found your trigger point to abstain. Keep searching for it
Morning J,You are much stronger than you give yourself credit. You have reached out, which takes immense courage.
Please please please don't give up on you.
I am coming from a worried wife of an alcoholic with brain damage, liver and kidneys disease.
I have fought to encourage my husband to reach out for help ,but he is still in denial.
I have left him a couple of times but the worry and guilt brought me home.
Unfortunately I have now become his carer, giving up work to support him.
Today is our wedding anniversary. He has forgot (or chosen to) who knows. I never know what is going on in his head anymore. 1 minute loving the next nasty and cruel.
He sleeps all day and drinks all night.
I miss him terribly and feel I am grieving already for the wonderful life we once had.
He is so weak now. Shuffles round the house with mobility aid. He never leaves the house, unless medical appointments.
He sleeps in his clothes and doesn't take care of his appearance of personal care.
He used to be so handsome and groomed. He was very intelligent being an independent financial adviser in his career.
Don't take this the wrong way, but your poor wife will not have taken the decision to leave lightly.
Show her how strong you are and talk to your gp
to get help.
You can turn this around and live your best life!
I do hope I haven't offended, my words come from love.
Okay so, you need to get yourself into a treatment programme/centre and do some deep diving with a councillor to get to the root cause of why you are continuing to self harm by drinking. It is a disease as recognised by the WHO. You can do this. I know. It is not easy but you WITH SUPPORT. No man/woman is an island. Remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease so you will need help.
Hey Jimmy. This won't make any sense until you've been through the logic in your head but this too shall pass. I've been there, and back, and back and each time returned stronger but where others found strength in faith, habit or whatever i just had a stark realisation that it's very likely i will not make it through another pass.
I have (had?) varices, i have cirrhosis and i've been admitted to hospital vomiting nothing but blood. Hang in there mate, if you use Reddit i found the sub r/StopDrinking invaluable if, like me, you can't do group therapy or face to face help.
went to bed at 12 last night, woke up at 10am, had cereal with fruit, 2 coffees and all my meds. I have got 10 cans in the garden which feel like they have a magnetic hold on me and resisting is getting bad. I haven’t got shakes tho. Going to make some cheese & tomato on toast and then try and have a nap, at least that will be less awake time to think about the booze
Why do you have alcohol in your garden or anywhere in your living area? 1st rule of thumb for me. No alcohol anywhere. I was a very heavy drinker for many years and stopping is no joke. I have been sober almost 8 years now. But it I wouldn't go anywhere that served liquor for the first 7 years. I didn't go to restaurants because I wasn't sure how I would feel about the drinking going on. Could I resist? Then one day I went to lunch with my daughter and mom. My daughter chose a bar and grill. I took a chance and we had lunch there. I was ok, didn't even think about alcohol. Only now do I considerate myself truly sober. Everyone had their own way. But please get rid of what you have.
it was just there as I hid it. There is also a full 1L bottle of Jack Daniels upstairs in my step son’s wardrobe. I am definitely not going to touch that. Why do I have will power to not touch wine and spirits but crumble when it comes to a nice ice cold can of lager?
Sorry things are so S*** for you. You come across as very clear as to what you should do and you have great insight. Do not underestimate how important that is. Keep getting back up Jimmy when you fall, no matter how often you fall down. Keep getting back up. You are in your greatest fight now and you have lots of people willing you to keep on going.
Your doing ok just remember your human we all crumble at times some better then others it's not about how perfect or crap we are it's just moving forward with the best foot forward you have you can do it and you will be safe and strong however you get there keep trying
If you would find it useful to talk things over, our nurse-led helpline is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 3pm on 0800 652 7330 (excluding bank holidays)
You need to seek help from a drugs/alcohol addiction specialist. This forum helps with support, but listening to your story, you need a more practical intervention. Depression and anxiety are strong negative motivators, and you seem firmly in their grip. It may all seem pointless now, but from a liver point of view alone you need to take action now.
Caring is not a deal where you bank credit, as alcoholics if we are honest to ourselves, we treat those we shout about loving the worst. They are allowed to run out of patience with us, I mean who wouldn’t. Half the time we are blissfully unaware just how badly we are treating them, and then we have the nerve to feel hurt, let down and owed. Killing ourselves slowly claiming not to care is unfortunately just another excuse to have a drink. Loving the feeling of a drink is unfortunately just another excuse to have a drink – living with us drunk is no fun (even for us).
Only you can want to break the cycle, only you can reach out and try and grab at practical support/help. It is unfortunately very very tough to take ownership as destructive addicts and do something about it.
Hey bigjimmy45, sounds like things are pretty tough going, firstly I can't give you any medical advice, secondly I was a chronic alcoholic,but I'm now sober for over 11 years, I had many health issues, but as the years have gone by I have slowly recovered, except for the horrible neuropathy,don't get me wrong, I gave my body a right good going over, but at the time I didn't listen to anyone, including my family or friends, and even when getting discharged from hospital, after a bout of duodenal ulcers, drinking related I went straight to the nearest pub while waiting for my medication from the hospital, I have had rehab sessions, split up from my family, lived in a " drinkers hostel " obviously it's getting your health back on track, and now dealing with your emotional needs,certain things work for different people, I didn't like AA, i had complex issues that needed counselling , and this is one of the reasons I ended up becoming an alcoholic, you need a good support network, and sometimes when people are drinkers/ alcoholics we are frowned upon, sadly your wife has left you, I would imagine this plays heavily on your mind ,these are things that add extra burden onto you , I've always had a very over active imagination, and my mind would run riot at times, and I used alcoholic to block my thought processes out , if you are anything like me I understand how difficult life will be at the moment,put it this way, when I decided to stop drinking I had to go to various different bins in the street and hide them under people's rubbish and it took me many visits to dispose of all the empty bottles of vodka, cans of Tennants supper, cans of special K, bottles of tudor rose, and when I ended up hitting rock bottom it was bottles of frosty Jack's , I would go checking the room where I kept my "empties " for any dregs just in case I got the shakes, so, I have plenty of experience, I hope you can try and get control of this illness, I wish you better health soon, 🙏
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