British Liver Trust
11,996 members5,936 posts

Struggling and desperate.

Why do I get to a certain point of abstinence, and then ruin it by going on a binge, I have a decompensated liver, not sure what that means, but my body is screaming at me not to put toxins in, I collapse, I end up in hospital, I can't remember much when I'm binging, without alcohol I have a really great life people who love and care about me, and yet when binging all the people who care don't know what to do, apart from getting a coffin ready for the inevitable end, this is getting so serious I believe I have a life limiting life, but without alcohol I have a great future. Good luck to all of you who are having difficulties.

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If you’ve lapsed just start again. If you are decompensated you will need a transplant. You won’t get tx if your drinking.

It’s simple really choose life and stop drinking. Choose to die just carry on drinking.

You put the glass to your mouth and no counsellor can stop that.

I was out of control with drinking until a doctor told me frankly I’d be dead in 12 months. I suddenly woke up and stopped drinking and changed my life style. 20 months later I’m still hear.

Please find pleasure in living without drink. I see it that I’d drank my lifetime supply and that was it for me!

I wish you the best of luck and strength

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Hi Foxman,

I think you answered your own question there don’t you? Fastkat is right. The same happened to me in October 2016. Not a drop of booze since.

Good luck,

Brett

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Sorry,

I just read your other posts. It’s not unhuman to have a blip on the way to becoming alcohol free.

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Thanks Brett, I need to be really strong and think of alcohol as the past, I've got a great life without, but to carry on and I'm in the gutter.

Thank you and take care.

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Thanks Fastkat, I totally agree, I'm putting the glass to my mouth, nobody is telling me too, I have to accept the consequences, it's very difficult only because I've drank since the age of 18, socially, it's over the last 10 years that it has controlled me, I was weak, and it was far easier to drink than face problems in life, now I have to take the step that I can stop for 3 to 4 month's, and not go back and lapse, this has to be permanent, alcohol is my past, living a great life with my partner and both of our children and grandchildren, no regressing just total abstinence.

Take care.

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You have to ask yourself... do I want that drink or lose the love and respect of my family? Do I want that drink or lose my family completely? Do I want that drink and die a horrible death or live and enjoy life watching my children grow and flourish? Do I want my family to have to struggle though life without me because I had to have that drink? And is drinking going solve my problems ...... ?

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Hi Laura, thanks for being brutally honest, it's what I need to be told, my body cannot physically take alcohol anymore, and I don't want to die, I am a positive person, but alcohol drags you down, I can give you 100 excuses why I drink, but it's my problem so no excuses, I have to stop, it's been 2 weeks since my last binge, and I know that with a bit of help, and my stuberness I can do it. Again thank you for your input. Take care.

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With your positivity and the fact you know and admit you have a problem you really are already well on the way to a full recovery. Sadly not for my husband... eventually admitting to his councellor he had been abusing alcohol from the age of 15. We met when he was 29 and I thought then he seems to drink a lot. We were very happy for years, had a fabulous life together but alcohol seemed to become his main love over the years. When I mentioned it on many occasions I just became ' the nagging wife' til he turned 50 became incredibly ill and died 4 years later in 2010 . Leaving me with 2 children then 11 and 17 who are thriving now, making their own way in the world and of whom he would be very proud but will sadly never see. So when that craving hits you please think hard about missing out on YOUR kids and their kids achievements and walk away from the urge, instead go to them, give them a hug. You will feel so much better and so will they.

All the best x

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Thanks Laura, being told things like this makes me more determined, your story really touches my heart, and so true, people with whatever addiction become selfish, will tell you whatever to get that last bottle of drink, it's never the last one and yet somehow through our tangled minds and needs, we promise so much, bit it's all a lie there's no intention to stop, when the fog clears and we look at ourselves we are so pathetic, I can't talk for anybody else, but it does seem to be a reoccurring action, I'm trying so hard, I really don't want to die, want to see my children and grandchildren flourish, be proud of me, thanks for telling me your sad story, and I know what you've been through is invaluable to every person wishing to drink, you've helped me, take care x

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Awe thankyou. I feel now that what we went through wasn't such a tragedy afterall. If my story helps just 1 person on here quit and live a full happy alcohol free life instead of becoming another sad statistic, then it was worth all the pain we as a family went through.

But the government has to do more in terms of regulating the sales of alcohol with health warnings on every can and bottle, reducing pub opening hours and reduction of alcohol on supermarket shelves. I imagine though, due to the amount of revenue it generates, that will unfortunately never happen.

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Putting my problems aside, I think there will be an epidemic of liver problems, just watching youngsters in a pub downing shots so quickly and then ordering more is shocking, these drinks are 25 per cent (plus) abv, and yet the rounds continue, people do need educating about the risks of heavy drinking, don't feel I'm the right person to help or say anything, perhaps in a few years, hope all your dreams and wishes come true, for every bad time there's always a good time, sort of ying yang, and you have helped one person, me thank you.

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You are absolutely right about that it's quite terrifying. I wish I'd filmed my husbands last 10 days of his life dying in the intensive care unit. It was so shocking if it had been shown in schools the sales of alcohol would plummet.

It's wonderful to know a just few simple genuine words will help you. ☺

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I watched my beautiful sister die of alcohol abuse, she lost so much weight, her husband hmm bad choice of words, he was a cross dresser and just enabled both him and my sister to drink, I tried so many times to get help, I would have taken her anywhere away from him, gone to the docs get her started on meds, but she just seemed to spiral downhill quickly, I know what she went through, internal bleeding chronic pain, and dying, but if I know this, why did I choose the same route, all I can say is my ex wouldn't let me see my children, I went back to court to get help, she was having men stay and leave then another etc I felt helpless, excuse yes it is, I should have done more, but she made the children think I didn't care, but she blocked every attempt I tried, drink was something that blocked all feelings, I should have done more for my sister and children.

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I too nursed my brother through the last weeks until he died of total organ failure. This didn’t even make me stop drinking.

Eventually a doctor got through to me. How he looked at my wife with a sorry look and the news I’d be dead in 12 months worked.

I think we need that blunt approach. I’d been told to stop drinking by many who I simply ignored.

I’m sure you have the determination and can save yourself. Please keep trying whatever happens in your life.

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Thanks Fastkat, this is a really confusing illness, you know you are drinking far too much, but apart from blood tests to check my Bilirubin levels, there wasn't really anything pain wise to tell you your liver is packing in, being on this site, and so many people willing to tell their stories, makes me more determined, of course loved ones are so important, but everybody here has empathy which is priceless, take good care.

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Further to my reply above, it's also very wise not to have alcohol in the house. Being able to drink at home, any time, day or night was the start of my ruin.Take care.

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Hi, I'm just thinking about your situation. I would never dream of telling you what to do, but I can make a suggestion. Is there a particular time of day or a certain place, like the pub on the way home? If so, then go a different way home or make sure that you are doing something where it's impossible to drink as well. These are, perhaps, simplistic suggestions but what I'm trying to get across is that you need to break the cycle/ routine and the triggers that cause you to drink. But most of all, YOU have to want to stop and be hard on yourself. Trust me, mate, it is worth it. Take care and good luck.

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Thanks, I know how difficult it can be, I usually get to around 3 months off then I start to struggle, the odd thing is I can take my partner for a meal in a pub, and because I'm driving I would never touch any alcohol, just because I am in such a bad way with my liver, I still have morals, I can stand at the bar watching people drinking, and I'll have a cup of tea, or a glass of pop, it's when I get to a certain point I lose control and I spiral, I have to get my brain to start thinking of other ways to stop, really 2 choices drink and die, stay abstinent and live, thanks for your advice it really does help.

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Any time. Wish I could say it was a pleasure. ☹

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Hi Foxman555. Try AA, if it does not work try your way. It helps to be with people who know where you are .

China John

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Remember One drink is never just one for us. I would drink myself unconscious if I had one so I don’t!

I work on the basis that one drink could lead to my death.

My families love is far too precious to abuse and they are very supportive. My fair weather friends disappeared so Fuk em.

I’m an ex drinker and proud of it even if I have left it too late!

This sounds a bit depressing but I’m never depressed in fact i love a laugh....just ask my nurses🙄

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Seems like you've cracked the alcohol issues, I hope you've not left it too late, people like me need people like you to stop for good.

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Well said, especially the fairweather friends bit.

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Just a very short one Foxman as its still very raw. My partner had a decompensated liver. He died last week at the age of 57. I wish I could have stopped him drinking. It wasnt nice to see him suffering at the end. Think of your loved ones please.

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It never ceases to amaze me, how people are willing to help, you are going through a grieving process, and yet you are helping me, I feel humble, everybody here wants to see a positive outcome, thank you Lilly, my thoughts are with you at this tough time, it makes me more determined to be alcohol free for the rest of my life, again thinking of you and what your going through.

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I have a few symptoms and I am so scared to see a dcotor about them. I haven't drank so much but everyday and it seems to be the worst scenario. What symptoms did you have, if any before your diagnosis? Anita

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Please go and see your doctor Anita if you are concerned about symptoms which may or may not relate to your liver. You don't need to have been a heavy drinker to experience liver issues there are numerous causes from viral infection, auto-immune conditions, non-alcohol related fatty liver, genetic conditions and more. Your doctor should not judge and your GP probably couldn't tell you the reason or cause of any liver disease it would take a specialist with the ability to test and rule in or out other causal factors. My hubby is tea-total yet still ended up with cirrhosis because his own immune system attacked his liver.

6 years ago today I nearly lost my hubby (then fiance) from a massive upper GI bleed due to burst varices and we never even knew he had an underlying liver condition until that point and a couple of years previously his then GP had written off his symptoms as anxiety related instead of properly assessing him.

Get checked out.

Katie

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Remove all the alcohol from your home....... even get rid of the glasses. Buy a cool coffee machine or fancy tea every little helps. And don't miss a visit to your councillor. Every little thing helps xxxxxxxxx

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Thanks for your advice, my partner took all the alcohol out of the house, but I have places to hide it, she doesn't no, but I feel really bad, I don't want to become a conniving waster, it's been 2 weeks since my last drink, but what normal people consider a drink, is not the way I drink, 2 to 3 bottles of wine before going out, then just constant drinking until I collapse, looking at it now, I'm thinking what an idiot, I cannot go through that anymore, I have to be strong and determined, I have a decompensated liver, also recently had a severe bacterial kidney infection, I was so close to dying, I'm diabetic on insulin, I have to stop, there's no way I can carry on, the next drink could hill me. Again thanks for your input I wish you well.

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So strange reading your post . I'm in the same position, was seriously ill for 2 years that was 7 year ago & just started drinking again ( secretly ) &finding it difficult to stop I think we are just going to carry on unless we stop , I think im going to pick a date & just do it, everyone thinks everything is ok I'm going to the gym , doing my volunteering etc , not going to tell family, dont want to worry them & I dont want to be judged. Good luck matey, I know what you are going through but we are not fools we know the consequences, if we dont stop the decision will be taken out of our control & there will be no going back . We have been alcohol free before, we can do this again.

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That's the main point, people judge you, on here everybody seems to want to help you, I put bottles of wine around the house, I don't want to be a cheat, I want to be strong and beat this, my choices are carry on drinking and die, or stop and have a great life with people who love me, I really hope you can beat these demons, drinking is a lonely place.

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Honey putting wine bottles around the house is not going to prove whether or not you're a cheat... don't be so hard on yourself.... get rid of the temptation. You don't have to test yourself you just have to remain sober. Don't put obstacles in the way of that ... please ?

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Hi Laura, I go to a organisation called Turning point, I've been seen on a one to one basis and in groups, everybody says I'm to hard on myself, every time I fail I beat my self up, I'll get rid of the bottles don't understand why I've got them, I am determined to stop, thanks for your advice it's always welcome.

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Good man 😃

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Make that date TODAY. The longer you leave it the more you will become addicted and the harder it will be to stop.

Change your daily routine so that you are preoccupied with something else around the time you would normallybe drinking. Start a new hobby, go walking, cycling or swimming. Join an art class anything that is a distraction but something you'll enjoy.

Best of luck 🍀

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I was in a similar situation to you. My wake up call was having a massive variceal bleed. My wife and mum were told I had less than an hour to live. This is not something you want your family to go through. You can refrain from drinking, there lots of people to talk to on different forums where you can share your feelings 24/7, this will get you through this I am sure. My liver was too badly damaged, I had a transplant last October. If I can turn things around, 2 years ago I would of said no chance, any one is able if they are determined. The very best of luck and I hope you find the determination

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Thanks for your comments, and for sharing what you've been through, it really helps and I feel so determined to stop for good, not just for me, but my family and friends, to show them I'm not a stranger when drinking, I have a decompensated liver, from what I've been told is that it's not looking very good, so I have to stop for life, I wish you all the best for the future.

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Hi Foxman,

I know only too well how difficult it is to stop drinking and destroying everything we love. My last drink was October 16 2002 so about 15 1/2 years ago. Firstly I had to admit I had a problem (You have already stated this), then I had to examine why I wanted to stop. The answer to that was when drinking after all the conviviality and laughter was finished, I was left with me, and I hated myself. So I had to give up for myself, not my wife, not my kids, it had to be for me. Then could I do this one n my own, no I needed the help of others who were just like me but somehow they had managed more sobriety than I had. So I went to AA and there I found a group of people who accepted me without judging me. Here I learned to love myself again and my wife and kids got their Husband and Dad back. I am currently on a cruise, sitting here drinking coffee smiling like a Cheshire Cat. I have serious liver issues and had an attempted transplant which was aborted due to a massive haemorrhage which required 25 pints of blood just to get me up to ICU. My wife was informed that I had between 12-24 hours to live, and I remained in a coma for 12 days. That all happened over 18 months ago and the love and support I receive is astounding. So with the fellowship of AA I am actually living a life beyond my wildest dreams. Give it a go you will be blown away by the honesty and dark humour.

Good luck

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Just another quick thought if you were allergic to Strawberries you would never eat them again. Same with Peanuts. But when we are allergic to Alcohol a whole different thought process takes place, one is never enough for an Alcoholic it sets off a phenomenon of craving that just doesn’t happen in ordinary drinkers.

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Thanks, what an incredible life, yes being open about alcohol and how it controls your life is a start, I have been a social drinker most of my adult life, but a terrible divorce and my ex doing everything to stop me seeing my children was hurting, I went back to court to see if they could help me, but they thought as adults we should resolve it ourselves, my ex put too many barriers up, and it hurt not seeing my children, this is not an excuse for my drinking, maybe I could have done more, but the alcohol started to get it's grip on me, I now have no choice I cannot drink anymore, I have a decompensated liver, to be abstinent for 6 month's would be a start, and then to continue forward, your story is truly inspirational, hope everything is going ok, best wishes.

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Take the wine and pour it down the sink. Scary but a must do

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I will do that, I'm not really sure why I keep it, maybe psychological.

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I don't understand (really) So I will not be considered for a transplant even though I've fought cancer for the last year and a half , other people far longer (I have been told that my cancer which was 18cm ×12cm last year February is now gone) because the criteria is that to invest a liver in someone who's had cancer would probably only buy me 5 years or so ..and yet from your comments you are a potential candidate for one despite the obvious tirade of self pity . All those people on waiting lists hoping for science to catch up with demand and criteria to change .

A little harsh perhaps but think on all I've written next time and that should stop you drinking.

Boo bloody hoo!

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Sorry you've had cancer, as for my tirade of self pity, being honest is not self pity, I am not on a waiting list for a transplant, and wouldn't assume I would ever be, enjoy your self centred life, big shoulders for that chip arriving.

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I guess an apology is in order all considered , I get fustrated at waste and especially with my recent health issues. It's only a few lines of text but you come across as fairly intelligent / articulate hence my anger at your waste . Yes alcoholism is a terrible illness. ..something I hope never to understand apologies if I've added to your pain due to that ignorance. .But I truly wish you well....please try not to drink.

B

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Sorry seems like a veiled apology, I understand that your health conditions haven't been too good, alcohol at it's worst is all consuming, if I could solve why people drink to oblivion I'd possibly be a millionaire, until then the only way to deal with it is to admit defeat, see what organisations are out, by saying that I mean being pro-active, it's difficult to be a sensible human being and yet drink toxins, I am a diabetic on insulin which compounds the problem, my kidneys suffered a bacterial infection, I almost died through this period, this is not self pity, these are facts, all of my life I've been fit and taking part in many activities, also possibly one of the few people who eats their 7 portions of fruit and veg, there are extenuating circumstances as to why I fell under the spell of alcohol, but no excuses i drank very heavily, I very rarely see a gp, see a consultant twice a year, have 2 scans a year, I suppose what I'm saying is it's my problem, and I have to deal with it.

No malice best wishes Jeff

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The first step to overcoming an addiction is honesty with yourself and others. I do not believe expressing your feelings is self pity. Alcoholics know the answer is to stop drinking, we all need or needed a lot of support to achieve this.

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Please read my message below.

Laura

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bal1 because off the liver cancer they wont be as willing to do the transplant incase they manipulate the tumor in the process making small cancer particles break off and spread round the blood and body giving you a greater risk off developing more tumors & even cancer off the blood. No i don't like what you just said as i lost my mum at 55yrs old to decompensated alcoholic liver disease yes it was he own fault as she choose alcohol over her life BUT for me seeing someone TRYING to get better makes me happy so please dont shoot someome when they are already down

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Hello I didn't just write it was nearly two weeks ago and then I made some other comments , an apology as afterwards as I'd felt id misunderstood the persons meaning. As regards the liver comments as a general rule you are right however each case is taken on its own merits , in my case it's looking better for potential transplant which of course is good. I mention this as an encouragement /hope ( advances everyday ) to all of us in the same boat waiting for cure/treatment to not fall to far into dispair (as did I several times ) .One such treatment is SERTs which has destroyed all detectable cancer 18×12 c.m. Doctors are amazed and one expressed disbelief. Please I'd love some feedback from anyone else that has this procedure ( it's not free)

Luck to all

B

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oh i see that's interesting! im not a docter but with mum battling the illness for 10 years i feel i have read up on every liver ilness there is lol. I wish you all the luck & hope you get the good news you deserve soon. Keep us updated

take care

abi

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Hi, I really don't know who this person is to judge me, I am being as honest and open in my fight against alcohol, i know that the next drink could well be my last, I have too much to live for, and receiving support from all that the people who have been kind enough to send me a message, and I don't mind the brutal messages because that is a big part in stopping thanks as always.

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Being on the other side watching you die is no fun,think of if your situation was switched with a loved one. My brother was sick jaundice and ascites for 6 months- never got on the list. He died in march from chriosis and its not been easy, he had a stroke and was not in good shape last 3 weeks of his life. You dont want to go through that or see someone you love go through it-its been AWFUL. He was only 28 as well 😭

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I always say thank you for everybody taking the time out to message me, I am truly sorry for your loss, I watched my sister die the same way, so why am I doing this, I could tell you loads, but I should have been stronger and not slip into such a mess, but I'm determined to be abstinent, it's about 3 weeks now, so a long way to go, again thank you for taking the time to message me and being so honest about what happened, you give me strength to beat this.

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I wish you the best of luck you can do this!

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To everyone.

Please don't turn this site into a competition between whose the illest and whose the most deserving of a liver transplant.

Everyone's liver disease and recovery is important to themselves and their families whether it's self inflicted or not.

My husband became seriously ill several years ago with alcoholic liver disease and multi organ failure. Myself and my 2 children went through hell watching him slowly kill himself. I loved him but hated him for pouring this poison down his neck and seeing what it was doing to him.

His consultant told me that if remains 'dry' for a total of 6 months he can go on the transplant list. I'm going to be brutally honest I was horrified.... it seemed like it was a trophy, a reward for having a self inflicted disease. I said as much to the consultant and I asked why would you waste a donated liver on someone like that? I said he's in ICU with round the clock care costing the NHS god knows how much, there must be far more deserving cases? The response was.. we don't look at it that way, he's a very sick man and it's our job to save his life. ( god bless our NHS❤) Sadly they couldn't save him.

Since stumbling upon this site by accident and reading posts from other alcoholics and their families struggling to live with them, my eyes have been opened to the fact that dispite their addiction, probably not helped by ignorance of how alcohol can 'seriously damage your health' and that it doesn't solve problems only creates more, they really are trying to beat their addiction.

They don't always know where to start or where to go but they know they have to be honest in order to get help. I see that they are here, reaching out for advice in order to recover not to become so ill they get rewarded with a new liver.

They will freely admit they are selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate, destructive, cruel, deceitful and in some cases violent. But they also, like the rest of us, human beings who really are trying to turn their lives around and the least we can do is offer them a little respect.

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Hi Laura, I understand everything you are saying, when it's so close to you, you build walls I don't and needn't have to know about your husbands decline and ultimate death, I have already said I really feel for you and your children, watching the man you love and having mixed emotions about a transplant, I have been hospitalised on several occasions and have always said there are more important people than me, but they don't judge just want to help you, I also stumbled upon this site, and I'm so glad I did, you are right this is not a competition for who is worse and more deserving, I did this to my body, now I have to face reality, but I'm not going anywhere I'm going to fight this, sometimes with my own thoughts and a lot of time with my peers who can help me, I haven't had a drink for 3 weeks now, I know not much time, but it's my starting point, and there's no going back now, I want to live I want to see my children and grandchildren successful, I have a lot of internal thoughts on how to remain abstinent, but will always look for help on here.

Best wishes Jeff

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My post was not aimed at you but to a certain criticism aimed towards you, to which you replied particularly well. I was angered by what was said. I can see it from both sides so I worded my post as tactfully as I could in order to put my point across. Good luck to all of you working towards a healthier lifestyle 👍

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I know, and I felt justified in making that remark back, but you speak with so much passion, you have my respect for that.

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Thankyou. Just want to help if I can. It's very enlightening.

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You wouldn't believe how much you have helped me over the last few days, but that's just me, I don't know if others read your words.

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Yes they do judging by the amount of likes and replies I get. Been in virtual daily contact with ' lily' who lost her husband last week ... sadly another statistic.

Where are the health warnings on cans and bottles? Why is booze so cheap and so readily available? The government has a lot to answer for.

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The government make to much money out of it, you could say they lose through nhs costs, but that is far outweighed by tax, have you not seen the sign in very small writing in the corner saying drinkaware, lots of organisations including the one I go to are having funding cuts, doctors out of 7 years training have one day on possible alcohol abuse, and it's only voluntary to go, I have spoken to Lily again my heart goes out to her, all I can do is prove the doubters wrong and stay off alcohol and that's a lifetime commitment.

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You can't just blame the government because some people don't know when to stop. Doesn't matter how many warnings you put on the packaging, it's not going to stop those who like to abuse alcohol, just as the grim images on cigarettes are not stopping people from smoking. As for alcohol being cheap, it's much cheaper in Europe, yet it's nowhere as heavily abused as it is in this country.

What we need is education and personal responsibility, not a nanny state.

UPDATE: I strongly believe making alcohol more expensive would not only fail to decrease consumption but would likely cause an increase in crimes like stealing and robbing by some addicts to fund their habit.

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I was replying to a question I was asked, I'm not blaming anybody, I don't want a nanny state, how can you educate people who have their own minds, I agree we should all take responsibility for what we do, we're not a communist state, people have freedom, I just want my life back, no politics I made big mistakes and now have cirrhosis, and will do my best to not drink again, please if you want a philosophically debate, I'm sure there are people on here, I just want my life back.

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My reply was to laura009 in regards to the government not doing enough when it comes to alcohol warnings and price. I'm not judging you and I sincerely hope you manage to turn things around. I've also made my fair share of mistakes and my own liver was ruined mostly from Hepatitis B and in part from drinking. Not trying to get philosophical, just expressing an opinion like everybody else.

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Sorry crossed lines, I was answering Laura too, hope your ok and well, good to have an opinion, that's what I get most out this forum again apologies.

Best wishes Jeff

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No worries Jeff, all the best going forward. Klodian

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I have to agree with you about putting prices up, this would definitely make a lot of places no go area's, every city have these already.

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Just to correct you. Since the smoking ban in public places and the introduction of e cigarettes, smoking has plummeted.

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Dude you need to tell your wife about those secret hiding places...you need to come clean, letting her know will allow you to not have temptation in the future to hide any and then relapse again.

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Hi mate, I got a load of advice over the last couple of days, I've thrown them out, pointless being abstinent and having a back up, thanks for your message everything helps, hope your good cheers man.

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