Hate myself

[Chris-harris]

Im so down i dont know what to do. Over the last few months I've put my family through hell but never seem to think of them before doing what I want to do. After weeks in hospital and coming out mid Jan i had a big problem sleeping and the doc prescribed me small dose of zoplicone to take very occationally. This helped then around a month ago he said he wanted me not to have any more as they are addictive and I need to get into a natural sleep pattern. After around a week of sleepless nights i ended up ordering some from the internet, even though I know they are not good for my liver and are addictive etc. The inevitable happened and I found myself wanting more and more. This came to a head around a week ago when my wife found my tablets and quite rightly was furious, the children all know what I've done and I feel like they are all better off without it me. Anyway went last week to hospital as having a new consultant, all bloods came back still improving (no idea how but that's good) but the new consultant shocked me by bluntly saying I am end stage cirrosis and he will see me in 3 months to check levels and send me to Birmingham. I called my old consultant who said he didn't think that I will require a transplant as my levels are all good and he has thought all along that I will recover enough to live a life again. Now my head is all over the place, I've wrecked my family, am convinced I'm about to die and can't get any lower. The sleeping tablets I've stopped and I've not touched a drop of alcohol since November but my head is in such a mess I really feel like ending it all, the only thing stopping me is my family and if I carry on the way I am I won't have them much longer either... just wanted to get that all off my chest as my wife doesn't need anymore of my pitty