Concerned relative at wits end

[Sackville]

Hi All,

I am new to the forum and just wanted to explain my situation to see if anyone else has been in similar circumstances and could offer some advice.

My mother was diagnosed with Hepatitis C 5 years ago. This was treated at the time but by the time she was diagnosed unfortunately she did have some lasting damage to her liver and she is on medication for varices. She doesn't talk about her illness and clams up or gets aggressive when we ask anything so I have no idea how bad things actually are, but recently her behaviour has become so erratic I'm really concerned that she might be experiencing HE.

She continues to drink a significant amount (around 100 units a week) and has said she has no interest in reducing her drinking or stopping despite our concerns. She attempted suicide last year after a drinking binge but won't seek any help for her mental health. I once made a suggestion that she could see a counsellor and she was very aggressive, threatening to never speak to me again.

There's recurring behaviour where she flies off the handle for the least little thing - as an example once anotuer family member got us some food in as we were returning from a trip and she became very hostile, telling me my behaviour was disgusting and I had hurt her so much she could never speak to me again. Then silence for weeks and then she comes back into the fold without apology by saying she wants to see her grandchild - who I would never withold access to as she loves her very much.

This happens every couple of months over something or other and it is now at the point it's seriously affecting my own mental health. All I do is try to help but anything I say gets twisted and all I get is a barrage of insults hurled back at me. I suggested that she might want to see a doctor for this erratic behaviour and she told me I'm disgusting, nasty and horrible, a terrible disappointment etc. I really don't know what to do. I don't think I can take much more of this behaviour and I don't want my child to end up without a mother because my mental health has got so low. But equally I know my mum needs help and compassion, it's just so difficult to give it when she's so aggressive towards me.

I'm an only child and none of my extended family know what's going on so there's no support there. If they knew she would be mortified.

I have had to block her from contacting me for the moment after a particularly horrible interaction at the weekend but now I feel so guilty for taking a step back. If anyone has any insight about how they got help for this kind of situation it would be great to know.

Thanks so much in advance.

[Harting]

Diagnosing HE is difficult, especially in someone who continues to drink so much - it is hard to differentiate between what is actually HE as opposed to the effects of the alcohol.

I think it would be beneficial for your mother to speak to someone outside her own family circle, as it is easier to open up and harder to tell people to go away. Of course, getting her to the point where she is in a room with someone she can talk to is a challenge and a half by the sounds of it.

I would speak to someone at the BLT for advice on how to move forward.

[cammeag]

Hi. Sorry to hear about your experience and situation. It is without a doubt, very difficult for you.  When someone is living a life that doesn’t match up to what they were expecting, or they are doing things in their day to day life that they know is below their own standards, their sadness, anger and disappointment will come out sometimes in their behaviour and care of themselves and others. That may be the case with your mother or it may not, what is important is that you start caring for, protecting and loving yourself and your child. It is entirely possible to be loving, kind and involved but not be treated harshly and taken for granted.  It’s so easy as family to put our foot in it, or let discussions which are going along amicably to blow up in our faces.  It’s important that you understand that people’s reactions, including your mum, are more of a reflection on them much more than they are on you. Trouble is, if you have been raised under that type of attitude and onslaught, it’s difficult to love yourself. You need to gently point out the abusive attitude whenever it starts, leave if it continues and confirm within yourself that you are a good daughter, mother and human being. The fact that you’re on here asking for help shows how good you really are!  Al Anon may be a good step for yourself. It helps the victims of drinkers to not blame themselves anymore. I do wish that there was more i could say but please look after yourself first and hopefully the rest will follow. 🤗🤗

[Sackville in reply to cammeag]

Thank you cammeag, I went to my first Al Anon meeting last night and found the support there a real comfort.

[cammeag in reply to Sackville]

Amazing. It is difficult to be proud of someone we don’t know, but from your post, your difficulties and your reaction to advice, I really am proud of you. I do hope you find support from your reaching out. All the best. 🤗

[BritishLiverTrust8 Moderator British Liver Trust]

Dear Sackville

If you [are in the UK and] would find it useful to talk things over, our nurse-led helpline is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 3pm on 0800 652 7330 (excluding bank holidays)

Best wishes

British Liver Trust

[teletonetapper]

Please don't forfeit your own future and that of your wife and child. Sadly, drinkers" and those possibly suffering from HE can be very vicious in their comments and, is probably their way of making them feel that they are doing nothing wrong - it's othe people around them. As advised by the BLT please do talk to them or, indeed, other professionals who are in the "know". You have a life too and in no way should you feel guilty. Do take care.

[Oldbits]

Sorry to hear your story. Alcohol steals the person we love and their personality changes. Liver failure causes so many things to go wrong that the person with it rarely sees the change in their own behaviour and choose to blame the people they care about. My husband now has no recollection of the time when he was ill (he still is, but controlled with medication and no alcohol for a year) but he was truly horrible to be around. He was scared and saw no reason to change his life style at the time, blamed me for everything... I remember a particularly horrible 2 hour shouting match about the bathroom door being open! Things changed when I told his gp that his behaviour was extremely erratic and I was struggling to cope and was worried about him and his own safety. Do chat to the liver trust helpline and possibly your mums gp. Maybe a home visit is required.

Remember it's not your fault, taking time out is possibly the best thing for you. As I said, you're not likely to get any apologies as they can never remember what's happened. My husband never did. Good luck 👐

[Marie2272]

Hi. I am so sorry you are going through this. I recommend an al anon group. You will find support from people who have similar stories to your own, but also find a way through the devastation of watching someone you care for not get help for their alcoholism. They saved my sanity. Even if you are able to participate only by reading the literature you will find a way to lovingly separate yourself from their horrendous actions. Take care of yourself!