Hello you lovely lot once again I'm pouring my heart out to you.
I've been detoxed left right and centre, being told your going to die if you don't stop drinking.
And I still carry on with my friend K cider, its not my friend it will never be. I'm struggling massively not eaten for 5 days now, just K cider.
I know I'm stronger than what I'm presenting at the moment, I've been sober for a year and half, but it always seems to bring me back. I just feel I got no way out and it will kill me.
I say I'm not scared of death etc I'm petrified and I still do the thing that will kill me. I'm talking on this place coz AA meetings are a load of nonsense, it helps some but not me so I apologise.
I'm being brutally honest I can't keep going the way I am, I want to live but it's so damm hard to survive.
Wow Ash, I know I said something that upset you and I apologise...👍.You really need to weigh up things here, when I new this addiction disease and cirrhosis would kill me I carried on drinking because I was so depressed. I didn't care if I went......
Then it hit me, all the people who I would leave behind... devastated, my mum n dad (going before them) my sister and all my niece's and nephews, mates...etc.
It's such a struggle and it's a dangerous game (russian roulette).
You may need a psychiatrist to understand the reason why. There is always a reason why... Heart goes out Ash... you need some help right away...
Hey Ashw88 - am so pleased that you feel able to keep posting. The very fact that you are seeking support here shows that you are trying so hard to get through this, even though things seem impossibly hard right now. I know that you have many people on the forum that are here for you - through the good and bad. Sending all our love to you right now Ash,
Crikey Ash, you don’t sound in a good place at all. You know that the cider will do nothing for you and you are going to have to leave it alone if you want to survive. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. That’s very clear from your post. The problem I guess is knowing how....or sadly from what you are saying, why. We can will you on and remind you that you’ve done it before, but only you can answer that. At a better time for you, you could probably have answered that for many of us. What made me stop?....fear, embarrassment, the fact I could lose my mind and independence, the way my family looked at me when I was in hospital but most of all it was because I decided to. You’ve done that too. This is a journey, there are no golden rule books, you’re allowed to make a cock up of things. The important thing is to dig deeply, open the can, and pour it down the sink.
I know we got off to a rocky start but I really hope you can solve this dude. Do you have access to a mental health professional, as I really think you need some direct help?
Hi Ash. The first time I decided I needed to stop drinking I was 24 and tried AA which never stuck for me. I am now 31 and will have two solid years sober next month. It took me that long of starting and stopping and trying again and again (despite months of sobriety or even a year at one point) to get this long of a sober period for me and I really couldn't tell you why I kept going back at it at this point but my personal belief is it isn't about willpower or higher powers or anything like that but just time that is needed to rewire brain pathways and create new automatic behaviors. But obviously I am no addiction expert and haven't been sober that long so this is just what I have observed with myself in this process. (Though I personally believe if I were to have one drink I would be back at it so I just do whatever it takes to not drink today to give myself the best chance at staying sober long term.) I think in early days of trying to get sober again that's what it takes. Do whatever to keep yourself from drinking. I know for me that sometimes meant staying in a comforter all day watching movies or reading or just sleeping because that was all I could mentally handle at that point but that was okay as long as I didn't drink that day. I also think therapy has worked for other people and can't hurt to look into. All the support you can get.
Another thing I started doing after I had some time sober (definitely not at first because I was a wreck for a good few months) was a run streak. I made myself run or jog at least a mile everyday and it was a different way of counting days that made me feel more accomplished. Didn't matter where or how fast or how far as long as it was a mile. It helped me stay accountable because I knew I had to run at some point (which is a big detterant for me for self destructive behaviors I'm fond of) and also helped me mentally even on days where I didn't feel up to excercising I'd make myself take 10 minutes to run and it would change my outlook for a few hours after usually. I still run most days today and when I'm really scared or anxious I make myself go run at least a mile and it doesn't fix everything or suddenly make me not afraid of the future but it helps me get through the next few hours and sometimes that's all that matters.
I'm glad you've shared again and I'm sorry you are struggling right now because I've been there and I know how hard it is. I know you can do this. We're all here rooting for you and supporting you! Here if you ever want to chat or just try and pass the time.
Aw bless you. My heart goes out to you. You are not much older than my Son. So I am going to say that you can beat your addiction. And you will!!!. You have reached a blip on a very long rocky road. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just can’t see it yet. It’s not an easy road to travel on and believe you me, I’ve travelled on the same road.
I’m not going to preach to you and wish you all the love and support in the world.
Keep posting and you will receive lots of encouragement on here.
Hi Ash, I'm one of many people who was really helped by your earlier posts. I kept re-reading them because they showed what was possible & gave me hope. Please don't give up now - you can't because we've adopted you as our success mascot! ❤️
I second what nerd1 has said, yours and Dean’s post were the first I read and even though I was terrified at the time it really calmed me down to realise what was possible in terms of recovery.
You can do this Ash, you have so much to live for. It really helped me in terms of my drinking when I saw a counsellor and we really drilled down in to the reason why I drank. I realised that I had to forgive myself for what had happened in the past. We are all rooting for you Ash and I know you will beat this.
You have been through the mill to say the least eh? Caring for your mum, I'm not up to speed with what's happening regarding that situation if you can get help for her (sorry- I'm just diving in full pelt). That in itself is hard enough for anyone to do, so grab as much support as you can for her.
Getting back on track for yourself? PLEASE, PLEASE, MASSIVE BIG PLEASEEEE 🙏 start again. You've done it once, you know the outcome, you know the process of DTs , the shakes, going through the whole palaver of mixed emotions, anger, upset whilst the TOXINS disperse from the body. The devil on one shoulder the angel on the other....I CAN empathise, I wish I could do it for you, I can't. I'm not telling you anything you don't know.
If this next sentence helps try it.
Someone told me that once an idea has been planted itself into your brain, for instance whether it is eating cake, drinking cider, going for a run, staying in bed, doing nothing ~ that's it, it's there. It stays there and either you can get the biggest eraser, or tipex bottle, chalk duster, spray can to delete it out and try to disperse the seed (theoretically speaking) or as soon as the seed pops by and starts to root... SMACK the S##T out of it. Turn it around, send it to the dump, say thank you - but NO THANK YOU. The seed is there again, repeat stamp it down, this might sound completely bonkers or you might know what I mean?
Smoking - for example either addiction or habit (wait for the full on replies to have a go at me with this analogy) the pros used to say takes 3 minutes to stop that craving, do something else, (doodle on paper, pluck your toe hair) to do something else for those 3 minutes! STAMP ON THAT SEED of smoking (I'm not saying you do btw) just another comparison.
May I ask why you started the 'pop' in the first place other than socialising, I mean to the point of addiction?
No reply necessary, I can understand if this message is scrambling your brain further. It's just because, I ended up using it to suppress and self medicate. I put my baddy 'things' in a box, thinking they would go away? Well they didn't and they always hung around as skeletons in closet. So I carried on drinking because if I couldn't see them. Because alcohol made me so blurry, I couldn't see them, does that make any sense? I had no choice re alcohol, blue lighted to hospital, not an option to have a TP ~ so from massively Decompensated slowly, it took (and still is) 3 years. August 2019 was the "Oooo she's not going to make it" year for me, despite stopping the February of that year.
Other 'non medical' issues have cropped up, that if in my old self I would have turned to the pop with no hesitation!! But somehow, the determination and brain chemical changes showed me I don't have to.....(YOU HAVE PROVED TO YOURSELF TOO, YOU CAN DO IT, I'm not preaching).
Start again, round two ding ding 🔔 day by day, stop that seed from entering your brain. Do a head stand, up against a door ONLY IF YOU ARE PHYSICALLY STABLE..then laugh if you wobble, no alcohol needed.
K Cider..can do one!! 🥾 (Edit just seen how strong that is) ...OUCH ABV wise! But who am I to talk, hiding vodka in water bottles, I am not the 1st or last to be a secret drinker. Sly,thought I was clever doing that..how very wrong I was!
Take good care 🤗🤗🤗
Ps sorry for any typos. I haven't read it back. I hope 💞 this makes some kind of sense.
Ash, You can beat this, if you want to! Show yourself how strong you can be and rid yourself of the demonic cider. I have Cirrhosis too, still in shock from 6 years ago when I was given the diagnosis. I do not drink alcohol and never have. I am not overweight, my BMI is 23.3. I was told in 16 years ago I had a Fatty Liver but had no guidance as to what to do, so with not having any symptoms, I carried on eating many sweet Carbs (sugar is like alcohol). I have Endoscopies and 2 U/S scans twice-yearly to monitor the situation. Does K Cider dominate all of your lifestyle? Do you work, do sport/exercise? You need something to deter your mindset from consuming alcohol. Try speaking to a British Liver Advisor for help. I find that the amazing Liver Specialists are solely there to manage your cirrhosis and not to get involved with your way of life, namely drinking; it should be teamwork with you and the Gastro Team . You know you have to stop drinking. I wish you well, be positive!
Oh Ash. I am so sorry you have slipped back. It must be very difficult for you and by the sound of your post, you really need to seek some professional help and have a heart to heart discussion with them. Please think of the positives and your life ahead. There will, at some point I am sure, realise you cannot turn to Cider or anything else and think "My life and Mum are too important to me to sacrifice the future." You have real guts to be honest on this forum and all members will continue to support you. Never hide yourself away - please keep posting. You will get where you want to be. Hugs and thoughts Ash. xx
I’m sorry to hear this Ash. I can only share my story. Addiction is escapism. It’s deep rooted and ultimately based on fear. I had to dig deep ,and deeper and then really deep. I had to get vulnerable, shed the persona and let it all lay out bear. I had to expose myself. Alcohol took me to my safe place. It was excruciating at times. I work on myself everyday, discovering who I really am. I was hijacked by alcohol. The fact that it was alcohol is irrelevant. It was escapism. I hope you can find your peace Ash. I wish you all the best.
Don’t give up Ash. You are a popular member on here with obviously lots of support. You’re so young & have your whole life ahead of you. The light days will eventually override the dark days. Keep strong x
I am sorry to hear this. AA didn’t do much for me either. When I was in the hospital I was referred to a different kind of addiction recovery program which had help to keep me sane and sober since 6/14/19 when I was diagnosed with stage 4 alcohol
induced cirrhosis. So I know the struggles, sounds like you need some one on one therapy. THe best is to have a trained addiction peer counselor (they are sober but share the disease of addiction as they are in recovery as well). I’m in the States. I feel your pain I was there.
Sometimes If we can get to the root of ourselves, why we are destroying ourselves, it may just help us back.
At the end of my drinking I didn’t drink because I wanted to ,I NEEDED to, the brain adapts to alcohol when we are alcoholic. I was terribly sick without it. I know you have been through this. It literally came down to do I want to live or die? I’m choosing to live. It is a bitch, I think just my thoughts you should go to hospital, where you are not eating etc. It is ,will get worse with that kind of misery.
You need physical and emotional care.
I get it, booze was the only thing that made me feel good. Until it didn’t.
Sending warm thoughts, compassion, and prayers your way.
I wish there was a blanket solution to any form of addiction. Most of the advice is going to be personal experience and I can offer only the same.
I found not drinking alcohol immediately to be a very positive thing and I decided that rather than seeing it as losing a part of my life, it was a means of adding something else. I'm not suggesting you take up knitting or basket weaving, God forbid you sink to the depths of Pebble Polishing. That's a whole separate condition, my friend!
No, what I mean is to enjoy things in different ways. I did not remove drinkers from my life. I would emphasise that I have never been part of some sort of pub crowd that talked shite to each other and by the end of the night, tell everyone they love them and remember none of it in the morning.....and repeat.
My drinking was a mix of social and work, with the edges between the two very blurred by the nature of the fact that the working day (in media) would roll effortlessly into private time. I found keeping that circle important because it represented "normal". What I enjoyed differently was being sober. It gave me such an interesting perspective, not least of all of myself and who I am.
I bet you've wondered at times if your personality is dependant on drinking. Are you as interesting or funny without alcohol ? Trust me, there will have been plenty of times when you were probably the only person that ever thought you were funny or interesting! But let the real you come out without alcohol and you are going to be very surprised, and you will actually enjoy watching your friends and how they change with drinking. You're still a part of life, you aren't removing it, you are thinking, faster, smarter, more focused and definitely more fun!
Instead of worrying about the pressure of people saying, "Have a drink!", go the other way and say "I don't drink". You can be honest about why or not, depending on the circumstances. The one truth that doesn't change is that YOU DO NOT DRINK! Here's the fun part - when you tell drinkers that you do not drink and you still hang out with them, watch their immediate reaction. They feel naked or uneasy. They start to make excuses for their drinking, or confess that they should cut down. They tell you that they admire you. There will always be the asshole who gives you a hard time, but he or she is the same asshole that will be the next one in hospital with liver failure.
My point with this, is just this. Keep it simple. You already know that its killing you. It never feels as good as you think it will, and you just get pissed off with yourself and despondent. So why put yourself through something that's actually harder, less fun, and more damaging than actually not drinking?
Don't start making lists of things. Don't repeat mantras. Don't turn into a monk. Don't hermit yourself away from drinkers. Just be you. Without drink. If you make it more complicated than anything I have just said, you've lost the race. Just my opinion. Oh....and skip self help books, unless you need to keep a door open, start a fire or hit someone over the head who is drunk and thinks they are funny.
Mate we go back a few years-just keep fighting the good fight-you already made a hell of a lot progress. It's not the amount of times you get knocked down it's the number of times you get back up again. Stay strong.
Just a little update,went back to hospital asking for detox tablets, but we're refusing then as I told them I cant go called turkey ,I had all my vitals done they were fine no ammonia in my blood no swollen stomach, no jaundice and they sent me on my way after 4hours but I wasn't going anywhere until they proprived some of my detox tablets Chlordiazepoxide (librium) she gave me 600mg to take 3 times a day until the worse with drawl was over and sent me on my way. SO IF ANY PERSON LIKE me CAN EXPECT to be admitted to hospital for detox you can forget unless you look at deaths door! They just send you on your way with 2 days pills. It's all changed now it's outs of hospital hands you have get to into treatment like pathtorecovry weres I was a year still.go help and I went In bright yellow. They've cut alcohol services massively but heroin crack addicts that's where the moments goin. They ADMITTED DETOX THINK AGAIN. F
THE HOSPITAL ARENT DOIN ANy ADMITTED DETOX UNLESS YOUR ON YA LEGS, JAUNDICE,so it's all changed I've got to get myself back parth2recoverya and resolution but you have been drinking I know first hand. Fuck I've had my pills. I'm driving up to the cotswolds with my uncle and my nan for a much need resr and recuperate,I've transfered all my income into mum's account so can't touch a drop. Of money so only way is up. AND I WANT TO JUST SAY THIS THANKS TO EVRYONE WHO REPLIED AND IVE READ ALL OF THE IN THIS THREAD AND IVE TAKEN DOWN MANY AMAZIMNG COPING STRATEGIES SO IM GOIN TO PUTTING U BULLIT POINTS DONE IN MY FILE WHEN MY HEAD SPACE IS CLEAR WHILE SITTIN UP THE COTSWOLDS AAND MY MUMS BEIN TAKEN OF BY DAD SO ITS ALL SYSTEMS GOON .....CANT THANK YUO LOVELY EVEN MORE THAN WHAT FOR YOUVE DONE FOR MASSIVELY LOVE FOR YOUX❤ILL BE BACK FIGHTYING FIT SOON THATS A DAMM SURE X
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