Its been a while since I last posted on here the other week, sorry if I haven't replied but I needed to get some help, and I did. I've been in hospital since Friday last week on a detox, that's now my 4th and I hope and prayer that's my last.
I say its my last but only I can solve that, but I'd like to thank Luton and Dunstable hospital for helping me once again and I can't thank them enough, considering I've taken up so much time and help when I shouldn't even get a look in as I've done this to myself.
I'm fully detoxed now once again Librium Chlordiazepoxide by the bucket load they have taken me back to sobriety and normality, I've been asking for them like there smarties as ive had horrendous withdrawals.... walking like a zombie, unable to pick up a glass of water due to horrendous shakes or even feed myself once I got some sort of appetite back. I've had all tests once again and I'm massively grateful for that as not heard a thing from my hepatoligist for a very long time, something I've challenged and I now have a new hepatoligist specialist.
I'm still compensated thank god but been told again 'One more drink will tip you over the edge youll die Ashley' , thankfully ive no varices, oedema etc but there worried about my obvious addiction to alcohol (K Cider 15 cans) oxycontin (oxycodone) and Zolpidem (Ambiem) and I've told them I have no way of getting them drugs anymore, but alcohol......hello Mr shop keeper.......its so easy to get something that will kill me and I've got no complete control over it.
I'm being discharged on Monday thank god,all my bloods are OK but my bilirubin levels are a bit high, but come Monday ill be ringing up my local Path To Recovery who have helped me before, as i need help.
I've been looking after my mother as I've said on previous posts, and I'll continue to do the same once I'm out of here, but me and my mum really need to chase up the Mobilty team and occupational health as I can't or my mum go on like we have been doing.
I'm sober now once again, I've been given another chance (again) and I'm not going to promise anything I know I can't keep, but I will fight as hard as I can to beat this.....I'm 34 no wife or girlfriend, no kids, lost my Job, but i know I got the inner strength to get well again. I just want to be happy. Yes I'm on antidepressants but there not going to work when I drink (not every day) or do oxycodone or sleeping pills, so I'm getting help for it all.
I do apologise about the war and peace post lol but I'm in need of somewhere to share that isn't AA or a poster on my ward wall. Once I'm out Monday, (im talking like it's a jail) lol far from it....its time for me to live and not just exist, i don't know how long I got or any of us, that's life.
Sorry once again for the massively long message, I just go back to this lovely place when the chips are down....plus I wanna get home as the new series of Ozarks is on lol 😆.
You did the absolute right thing by going in to detox. Don't worry about the hospital helping you, I worked at a hospital and nobody judges anyone who comes through the door. They just want to help, plus it is not you that has done this to yourself, it is the addiction that did this to you.
It is very good to hear that you have come through this with no serious problems, that is a huge relief.
You really need to focus on your own health now, it really is your number one priority. I think the pressure of being a carer will only undermine your resolve to stay sober. It is a tough fight that never ever goes away, and as you get fatigued physically and mentally, I think it will become harder for you.
Occy health or mobility really need to step in and soon. I wish I had something more helpful than my previous suggestion of emailing your local MP and pointing out that you are in between a rock and a hard place, trying to look after mum 24 hours per day and working to improve your own health.
The post was a perfect length and covered every bit of good news we were all waiting to hear.
Hi,Thank you Davygravy, I know hospital's don't judge they have saved my life beyond 3 times now. I just hate me being here knowing that got better things to deal with.
I know it's a disease but I do it to myself, people are missing cancer treatments my own grandad missed critical treatment but I go in there full ambulance blazing, on a bed and they pump you full of that yellow stuff in a pouch by drip, I'm trying to avoid yellow stuff lol I've obviously not been very well.
Thank you so much for your reply of info bud, but like you said occupancitial health and local care team don't give a shit and that's what I worry I about. Not me, just want my mum to have some independence and dignity.....they don't care! Trust me I'm sober now now so I'll be on there case like white on rice and then some.
Don't worry about my health ill be fine m8, I'm strong I've don't it before I'll do it again. I Just want my mum to be a functioning adult again and that's not gonna happen until we get help.
Ash I’m glad you got help again and are still compensated. It’s crazy how I view alcohol now, never thought I would call it poison but it is. I really wish you the best in your journey to sobriety!
Jeez aloo Ash.... I thought that buddy, I've said to myself I've done it once I can do it again, even felt easy with that bag of yellow stuff, I asked what it was apparently it's just vitamins.
No mate it doesn't work like that everytime you drink (now you have Cirrhosis) and everytime you stop you damage your liver, once you have Cirrhosis it just snaps links together like pieces of meccano. I thought I could deal with it because everytime I stopped I felt great (plus the addiction) and thought it would never happen to me. Well if you carry on Dan you will die is what they said to me. Eventually you get liver failure and that hurts and your life flashes before you eyes. Then it's liver cuput and there is nothing we can do for you. I kind of know what he meant by this, I don't think he thought I would be able to stop drinking and if you can't do that then you aren't eligible for a transplant (which was the only cure for me).
Enough about me.....🥱
You said you are a carer for your mum and you are struggling to find help... Just have a little think to who will look after her if you do get liver failure or heaven forbid die. I mean you have already had a week in hospital and your mum has been looking after her self.
Trust me when I say it will happen to you if you carry on. It took a massive scare for me to stop. I'm hoping you could just use this to be your massive scare. Next thing you know you'll be hanging on waiting for a donor for a new liver. Already been given a life expectancy and dealing with gall stones and kidney failure, ascites fluid hoping that you will receive a liver in time. (That was just me) The regrets start then, big time, if only I'd listened, if only I'd stopped when it was just alcoholic related fatty liver disease.
You sound a lot like me ash being flamboyant and taking liver disease in your stride. It's hard to stop it's hard to deal with all the symptoms that you have/will receive. Please take your own words seriously (I wish I did) "if you carry on Ash you will die".
This is a scare tactic, don't hate me for it. I will chat and listen and even share some crazy stories as long as you try harder to find something else to take away the stress, other than drink. Use the people on here to help and not the cider. It's 24 hour's a day with our American compadres, always someone to talk to.
I appreciate your words but please don't tell me 'to try harder', you don't know a thing of what I've done to try harder! I know you have your fan club on here and I may upset a lot of people saying this but saying try harder to someone like me, well your very patronising say the least. I've had all the issues you talk about, your not the only one to have such a shit time. My mother hasn't coped while I've been in hospital actually she's had to ask her ex husband (my dad) to come help her this last 2 weeks and I'm not even going there trying to explain the difficulties with that.
I wish you nothing but good things going forward, but don't ever tell me to 'try harder'! I'll get abused now by your fan club on here but I'm just real and doing me. You take care Zuko.
You waint, it's just the way you feel, maybe saying try harder was wrongly mentioned. You will be ready when you are ready to stop drinking completely and that is all I was trying to say.
I've stopped drinking, got myself back to a reasonable healthy state considering, but I've been ready to stop drinking many a time only some aren't as strong as others. Good luck going forward, all the best.
Ubwa, how and where have I been aggressive or snapped? I've just asked not to be patronised with such words like 'try harder' to someone who doesn't know the individual circumstances of a very complex individual with many issues like myself. If you think that's aggressive or snapping then good day to you sir, I'm not getting into a 'keyboard warrior' moment with you. All the best.
You were pretty brusque in your reply mentioning fan clubs and him being patronising - which it didn’t look like he was to me. You even acknowledged it’s tone by your closing remarks.
Look, you are in a bad place, I’m a year older than you and reading your posts I see a lot of my own battles in what you are facing. What you are currently doing is not working. So maybe not try harder but try smarter/something different. You can call me being patronising , I call it you not wanting to hear the truth.
I have watched my uncle die in a matter of weeks from acute liver failure. I assure you , it’s not pleasant or dignified. You don’t want this. You mention your mother and how you care for her, try funnel that into something to help you overcome. Don’t make it just about you, but think how it will impact her should it go bad, that may help.
I’m not going to sugar coat it, you need help and are in a bad way. Accusing someone who’s been worse off than you and managed to turn themselves around of being patronising when trying to help isn’t helpful.
To add this isn’t me defending Danny, but you may be putting people off helping you if they think they are going to get replies like that thrown in their face.
Your not sugar coating anything, I'm in hospital ive got myself help, like I have done In the past and I will continue to do in the future. I've thrown nothing in anyone's face just don't appreciate the tone of words used by somebody who has been there, done that and got the t-shirt. I'm not prepared to go back and forth with you either as I don't want to be seen as argumentative, which I've never been as my previous posts in this place will prove. Once again all the best.
Hi Ash Those of us who have been here from your very 1st post understand you completely, know your story and history and know what an enormous battle you have had for many years. We are still here for you Ash, willing you on and supporting you in any way we can without actually being able to physically be beside you and holding your hand through some of the toughest times of your life. You already know that the answers don't lay in the bottom of a bottle but as we know and l have often said alcohol has more power over even the strongest of men ... you are and my late husband and other widows on here are sadly testiment to that.
Sending you a huge hug ... loads of love and that big boot up your backside !! I want you to live ... keep going darling xxx ❤
Thank you Laura, I didn't mean to be harsh or rude to Dani but saying 'try harder' got my back up as that's all I've been doing for years. Everyday I'm sober and keeping my head above water is more than trying, as you well know with your experience.
I want to live, I've felt at times like i don't want to go on anymore but I'm stronger than that and I will bloody beat this no question about that. Hope your well? Take care hun.
You weren't rude sweetheart just expressing how you feel, your struggles and an honest update as to where you are now, that's what the forum is for isn't it ? All well here thanks Ash.
I know how you feel I fell of the wagon myself Im due my 6th month ct scan early February last one found a centimetre swollen blood vessel on my liver was told at my next scan if it hasn't grown it will be very very reassuring I got a letter 4 weeks ago to say my scan will be a phone call to see how I am how will that tell me if its growing are not I said to myself what's the point and hit the drink stupid but fed up goodluck with your recovery mate 👍
Glad you got yourself some help Ash, loads of us rooting for you out here. Make sure you get some help with the care situation for Mum too when you are home - it's not helping either of you to be strugglng along when you have your own health issues.
Bless you. I really hope you can maintain sobriety. You are so young and have your whole life in front of you. I was 47 when diagnosed with cirrhosis and am now 10 years on alcohol free. You can do the same love. You are also very honest and should be commended. I sincerely wish you well and hope you also get the help required with your Mum.
Irs shocking that you are expected to care for her when you have your own health issues.
Thank you Oscar, you've done absolutely amazing going ten years sober that's exactly what I want to do and I will. The case of my mum is just ongoing with limited help available but we're trying all the right paths to go down 👍 so until that prevails, I'll just keep plodding along helping her as she's helped me no end and has been my rock who I love dearly.
I hope to be as strong as youve been for ten years going forward, thanks for your kind words. Take care.
Is that 15 cans of K cider a day ? I could manage 15 a week and would feel like crap and have major stomach and bowel issues. Its like my addiction wants to go more, but body just says no.
Hi Smegmer, yes when I'm at my worse I'm on 15 cans, start soon as I get up and funny thing is im not absolutely wasted, it's a sad existence but ive tasted how good sober can be these last couple of years and I'll get there again, its just a blip in my road to recovery 👍
I was like you 2 years ago, My body just wouldn't take any drink in so that's when I went hospital at deaths door basically, since then I've been sober until last couple of months where i just slipped back Into old habits like a comfy pair of jeans, only with my cirrhosis I can't keep playing Russian roulette. I'm on the mend now thank god so onwards and upwards 👍🙏 take care.
Hey Ash,I have no experience with addiction really so am a bit reluctant to speak up. I hope I don't sound patronising but I was impressed reading your posts for the following reasons:
You speak out bravely about your struggles and aren't afraid to ask for help when you need it.
You acknowledge your weaknesses and I firmly believe that our weaknesses can become our strengths.
I realise you have felt very low but I hope you can see what we can see in you. You can do this! I hope this doesn't seem like I don't understand, I'm thankful every day that I don't have addiction issues (nor my husband who has liver disease) but I have watched my close friends husband die from it. He had everything he could wish for, loving wife, kids, house, supportive employment - but he just couldn't fight. It was heartbreaking to see him get to the point where he didn't even want to fight - for no reason other than that it felt too great for him. It made me realise that I will probably never understand the illness, but I really hope you can use your inner strengths to beat this.
Ewife, as usual your replies are heart felt and full of empathy. Thank you for replying.Trust10.
Good luck 👍 i know with me things started getting loads better when I found a sound councillor who specialises in addiction & started to not put too much pressure on mysel, hope everything goes well for you
Hello Ash, Look at the strength you’ve shown by even talking about it. It is heartbreaking to hear your struggles and how hard you’ve been trying.
All is not lost. There will be that one thing that someone says, something you hear, something you see, a place you go etc. that changes everything for you. I strongly believe that.
Sending you love and support. ( I don’t know whether you’ve got any pets but the healing power of animals can never be underestimated. Just an hour a week at a rescue centre can work wonders, it’s a two way thing between you and the animals, making you remember that small acts of kindness have the power to change a world! I appreciate though you’ve got a lot on with your mum at the minute)
Hi Ash, I just wanted to say that I've read your posts before and your lovely personality shines through in the way you write and speak about your lovely Mother. I am a full time carer, for my husband who suffered a traumatic brain injury. I'm only a couple of months sober and despite drinking for a long time, I seem to have come through OK health wise. It's not easy being a carer, especially when you have your own health issues. As you recover, I hope you will find a way to build a life of your own while you take care of Mum. You're young, and deserve a life filled with love and laughter. You know already how to kick the booze, and you know life is better without it. You obviously adore your Mother - give her what she would hope and pray for above all else. You're health and well being.
Wishing you all the best Ash. Take one day at a time ok. Big hugs. X
Hi Ashw88 - so pleased to hear from you - never apologise for your updates! So pleased to hear how you are doing and kudos to you for going back to rehab, that takes a huge amount of courage.Best wishes,
Your human with a disease. It’s a “bitch “ of a disease as I well know🤢. You are getting help, relapse is more common than it’s not, as you know. As my hepatologist said to me back in July 2019 “ Your liver Thanks you everyday you don’t take a drink”! I am stage 4 alcohol induced liver cirrhosis decompensated at time of my diagnosis which was June 13, 2019. Now compensated.
Haven’t had a drink since…I know about slips” through the years.
I hope you have great support.🙏
Ash your my Sons age you have your age in your favor!
Sending Healthy Healing , of Mind , Body and Spirit!🙏👍😉
Congratulations and hi five ✋🏻 on getting yourself back on track ❤️ It’s a different story for every person so don’t let anyone bring you down or try telling you to try harder … all you can do is your best and that has got you this far keep doing your best and you will get there. It might take longer than some but it could also be quicker than others. I’m sitting in the Queen Elizabeth Hospital and just literally been told I have 5 years to live if I don’t have a transplant. I have a son that was 3 last week and feel like I have just listened to someone else’s consultation not mine 🥺 I don’t even know what has caused my liver failure so can’t change anything to try help it. I’ll always answer if you ever need a chat 💬 it’s always nice to know someone else who kinda knows what your going through and won’t judge you, chin up Ash you got this far just take little steps to the finish line xx
Very glad to hear you're doing better and where you need to be to get the help you need right now. I think anyone with ARLD or substance use issues knows how hard battling addiction is and has been where you are mentally right now at some point (or many points). I am rooting for you and know you can do this!
Hi everyone, wow.....i'm blown away from such kind and encouraging words from you all, I'm truly thankful ❤. I'm out of hospital now, so I'll be back on the phone first thing tomorrow to get myself back to Path2Recovery, I thought I could do all this alone and I've realised massively I can't so I'm going to carry on getting the help I was getting until I left thinking I knew better and I've beaten it...which obviously I hadn't. You never beat it I suppose, You just find ways to overcome it shall we say, coping mechanisms etc.
I did it 2 years ago up until October 2021, so I know i can. Time to get the old walking trainers out, my trusty bike and punch bag in garden and start again, as being honest I've stopped all that as ive just been to tired with what I got, helping my mum and overcoming my addictions. Now I'm clean time to start a fresh and keep fighting as I damm sure I'm not coming this far for it to beat me now 👍.
Thanks again to you all for such kind words, it's really touched a nerve and it inspires me to get better, but most importantly I've found that spark I did have to change for the better and I'm not going to mess that up again, I've got to much to live for 👍
Hello Ash, sorry to hear about your relapse. I know how gutted you must feel. Don't go beating yourself up, what's done is done. Just try and use this as a learning opportunity and put it behind you.
I posted up a thread a week ago now, entitled, "Ketamine and psychological therapy can help heavy drinkers abstain for longer, a new clinical trial shows". Just type "Ketamine" into the search bar and it should take you there.
I mention this as I think if there is any planned future study into the use of Ketamine then you might consider signing up for it. You might also try and get your GP or detox hospital to nominate you for this treatment. Sadly, even when a trial has been completed, it can take a further two years before it becomes a recognised form of treatment.
I think you might benefit from trying this form of treatment, so I'd try and get those in the know, to try and push you to get on either a further trial or the get you on a program.
Remain positive. Just think, when we all hit rock bottom, there's only one way left to go, and that's back up. Keep smiling and be strong.
Hi Richard, Thanks ever so much for your input it means a lot, I mean that as I respect your expert knowledge on everything you mention. You've been a massive informative help on here for a long time now, long may that continue.
I'm going to be completely honest here, and it's hard to say but I've done it all, ketamine included and I was high as a kite, couldn't even talk or move properly and I loved it....... but I'm an addict so forgive me. I think there is a cure out there to help alcoholics and I hope this treatment will come to fruition. It will help certain users massively from what you've just mentioned.
I've hit that rock bottom many a time fella but I keep on bouncing back thank god (could be my fat bmi lol) I do massively understand how this new research could help others. I wish nothing more than something, or anything to help such a condition of Alcoholism.....but with experience, its only the person doing it that who can stop drinking , hence myself.
I cannot put into words how valuable you are to this place so thank you for even talking to me. Not gonna kiss ya ass anymore lol all the best bud.
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The call part 2
Another update! 
