I've been on here for many a year now and I've spoken to many lovely people who have helped me no end, and I thank you lovely lot for that. I'm gonna be 100% honest with you I've been struggling this last year and a half with on and off drinking. I've got cirrhosis at 34 like some of you know, but I got myself together and changed my life, I lost 8 stone, got fit and as healthy as I can be but i succumbed to drink once again hence me being here now. I don't get on with AA as its all to much god is the divine intervention and that's nonsense,only one person can change our paths and that's yourself, which I was doing so well on.
Since then the last 8 to 9 months I went decompensated and all the joys that came with that, but I'm know compensated thank god, but my mother has become disabled with lymphomodema and inclusive body myosits and I'm her main carrer, which you can imagine how it takes its toll, but i already know as youve been looking after loved ones as well. I'm not looking for sympathy, far from it as it's me who keeps on punishing myself with my go to comfort blanket of alcohol, nobody else to blame and that's the thing about Alcoholism, only yourself pours that can down your throat, no matter how much your loved ones try and help you.
I'm back here now as I'm not very well and I know the liver trust are some of the best help you can get while suffering with cirrhosis, I just need a direction from here on in and this place has been so helpful in the past.
I hope your all doing as best as you can and I wish you nothing but best going forward. Lots of love
Hi Ash, lovely to see you back but not to hear that you've been struggling and I really hope you can get back to being in that postive mindset and doing so well that you were before.
I can't really help with the alcohol cessation side of things but do hope you can regain that postivity from before and get going in the right direction again. Sorry to hear about your mum and your struggle with caring - maybe you just need to take a bit of time for yourself a bit, get outdoors, just get a wee break and a bit of fresh air away from the demon drink because no one knows better than you that it isn't your friend nor any help with problems.
You don't want me and Laura coming down there to kick your butt, we don't want our poster boy struggling you know.
I've been on and off in this place but I still see your doing the best help and informative advice money can buy x hope ya hubby is doing a bit better these days?
You and Laura can come kick my butt anytime lol but I understand what your saying with the demon drink, I've not been on it as In days or weeks, its spasmodically I keep coming back to it on the odd day and I don't know why? I know it's gonna kill me, always said on here got told by my hepatoligist I got an elastic band with drinking, one more and it could snap at anytime and kill me but I keep pushing that band....
I've just enrolled myself back to My drink workshop but they dont take me seriously as I'm not drinking daily, but I'll make sure they do take note as I'm better than what I'm achieving at the moment.
Time to get myself back on here with a positive mentality as I don't want my mum messaging, hes lost his battle with it......that ain't happening, I got to much to live for.
Thank you for your reply, sorry for being a stranger but keep up your invaluable work, take care.
First, I'm very sorry to hear about your mom and the struggles you are facing.
I read your previous posts and it was pretty inspiring for me to read. My story was similiar to yours when it came to alcohol. Remember what the specialist said man, if you keep drinking you Will Die, it's not an if, it's how fast. Sorry to be so blunt but I needed to hear that from the specialist to quit and it's exactly what he said. I don't think you want that to happen. I found out I have the disease at 38 (day before my birthday). I know it can be tough and alcohol was always my go to as well. Have you spoke to your Dr. about possibly getting on an antidepressant or something? I know you can quit the poison as you did in the past but I know extra stress and emotions make it more likely for you to self medicate. I urge you to speak with your Dr. and try to find a solution so you don't keep slipping back into the same pattern. I'm wishing you the best Ash!
Thank you Pushthrough, I've been on more anti depressants than Prince Andrew at present lol but I've not just been an addict with alcohol I've also been addicted to oxycodone, choping up pills crushing them doing 200mg a time, my drs won't prescribe me anything due to my addictive nature, if it was heroin I'd be on methadone but it wasn't and I'm not.
I get 14 zolpidem (ambein) and I take them all at the same time just to get some sort of high, and i know it messes up my brain and completely destroys my liver, but my brain isn't rewring tself and I just suffer in the long run. I'm just constantly chasing a high, and drink is my saving grace, but at the same time will kill me.
People around me don't understand why I keep doing that to myself and I don't either. I could go on for hours I'm a complex case, but only myself can solve that, ...some get all this shit to deal with and they have done nothing wrong and thats who i feel sorry for, then you get me who's done everything wrong from start to finish and constantly mess it up.
I'm in contact with my Dr's but not my hepatoligist been a year since I've seen them as I know the outcome, and being honest I'm shit scared
Sorry about the long winded reply lol wishing you the best aswell.
Damn Ash, at least you are honest! Have you tried replacing the high of alcohol and drugs with extreme sports or something? I know I'm grasping at straws here but something like skydiving? I actually have 2 friends who were heroin addicts and one I haven't heard from in months so I assume he has fell off the wagon.
My parents are highly addicted to the hardcore stuff such as fentyal and opioids and have been a long time, all legal of course here in the great USA. They actually are trying to get people off opioids by giving them methadone and they aren't having it.
I wish there was something I can say or do for you because your post inspired the crap out of me and I know you could inspire many others. I worry about this disease as well and the fact that you have made it two years makes me feel a little better. The specialist said I should have a pretty good life span if I don't drink and follow the diet and exercise and I hope that is the case but it's a big question mark. KPA 18.7, Meld 8 fully compensated.
Ash !! So lovely to see you back but so sad it's under such circumstances. Can you remember how well you felt, how confident, happy and positive you were when you were off the booze? Can you dig deep again, find the energy you had for the gym, cast that ghastly poison aside and pull yourself out of this dark hole and free yourself once more? Yes for so many the last couple of years have been incredibly hard and l know you know booze only adds to your despair.
I have every faith in you Ash, to find the strength to beat it again.
Very best wishes to you, stick around, the support you want and need is still here.
If that's what it takes yes l will kick yer butt 😂
Aww Laura, I hope your well treacle? Why the change of name? I won't go there lol but without your input in this place with Katie, dogbot etc it would be poorer place for us all and I really mean that.
I'm doing OK ish lol I've not got back on the drink full time thank god as I'll be gone we all know that, but I've got so much more stuff I gotta deal with now with my mum. I'm up all night to help her go loo every 2 3 hours and my sleep is horrendous, I could go on for hours about my struggles, like most on here but you know how tough it is to care for a loved one who's suffering.
I'm still going strong I've not put on the weight I've lost apart from about 8 9 pounds through Xmas and new year, when I've been sober as I didn't want to ruin anyone's Xmas. Then as soon as the 2nd January hit i went and brought a drink.......been so so strong through the toughest time of the year then I do that, I'm just a messed up pup I don't know why I did.
My personal situation has changed massively and I still don't drink everyday, as I know once I start I won't be able to stop drinking. I'm currently addicted to sleeping pills and oxycodone and I know full well there not gonna help my liver at all, I'm just lost at moment hence me getting back on here for help and a purpose.
Kick My butt all you want but I'll run as fast as I can,but not to long I'll need a rest lol.
Thank you so much for replying and being there for me at present. I'll continue in this place as I want to get better and you lot helped me last time, I'm asking once again x
Im glad you have the strength inside you to let it out like this. It takes great courage.
Take some deep breaths and move forward.
Do you listen to podcasts? They are always at your finger tips and can maybe help you get through those moments. I can recommend some if you would like. They have changed my outlook on alcohol and basically everything.
I've taken many a deep breath, and podcasts to help me sleep....nothing works m8! My skin is itching massively, I'm addicted to sleeping pills so no podcast is gonna work
can you get any help from social services? caring for anyone with limited mobility is an enormous undertaking. It can be a drain, both physically and mentally, that can bring even the strongest people down. I have nothing but the utmost respect for carers because it is 24/7 there is no time off. The lack of sleep, the putting the needs of someone else before themselves requires an unequalled level of commitment, sacrifice and work.
So, for someone with a serious problem like cirrhosis it is so much more difficult, you already have sleep, fatigue and eating problems. Devoting so much time and effort to your mother is admirable, but is undoubtedly detrimental to your own health.
If you fall seriously ill again, who will be there for your mother? I guess I'm saying you have even more reasons to stay sober now, your health and for your mother.
It is important that you decrease the load you have on your shoulders. Don't beat yourself up, you're in an impossible position and coping alone. You've been in a bad place before and had the strength to get better, but you know that staying sober is a full time job. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir (no I'm not from the AA ) because you already know this but, you are under pressure, overstretched and when things get too much we look for the easiest escape route... which often is a drink.
I hope you can get another carer to allow you the time to get back to the healthier you.
Dave
Davygravy
Your words are a massive help dude, don't even get me started on social services m8, I'm still helping my mum to go for a wee 3 times a night, she's got not help as she is in a rented property and they won't make it disabled access friendly so I'm at my wits end.
I love my mum more than anyone can imagine, but we're waiting on a suitable home for her and my own mum and dad, I'm dying with cirrhosis let's be honest, it's a death centence unless you start living healthy. Thing that makes me laugh is cancer is a killer...
Cirrhosis is as well and its never looked at the same, it's a death sentence and I can't cope with that.
Is cirrhosis a death sentence? I thought well compensated cirrhosis you could manage for 10 years or possibly even 20 depending on the severity of damage and lifestyle changes? And then transplants are always a possibility when all other options have failed right? These are the things I tell myself to keep sane.
Liver disease must be in the top 4. It really is extremely serious. The NHS has made liver disease a priority and working hard on proactively finding and treating liver diseases as early as possible. (Some extra government funding would be nice... they make a fortune from tax on alcohol)
But, it is not all doom and gloom, you are young Ash, you have to think you have 50 years ahead of you, which is too long to throw away. As I, and others on the forum are discovering, research into liver disease is very productive and is producing some wonderful breakthroughs at present with some even pointing towards lowering cirrhosis levels and allowing livers to heal again.
How long these will take to get into production, nobody knows but pharmaceutical companies know it is big business so they will push it along quickly I'm sure.... which is why you need to stay strong, stay fit, stay sober to get to that point when these treatments become available.
Cirrhosis is a disability, that should make you a priority with social service, but combined with your role of carer, and your mothers health, steps should have been taken to meet her needs and to lift some of your burden.
We live in strange times where some who need less help are given more and those who are struggling the most cannot even get any. When I had a problem, I emailed my local MP and within 48 hours I got a phone call and advice and things changed quickly. I don't think it would hurt to drop your MP an email outlining your health issues and the enormous task you face in caring for your mum.
Richard posted a link, not long ago about an MP who spoke about his fathers battle with alcohol... It's possible your MP might relate to your struggle (or might see an opportunity to get some good press coverage) and make a few calls.
I'm fairly new to this site and am kicking the drink after 40 long years (I'm 57). Two things that have helped me immensely are the books Alcohol Explained (1 and 2) by William Porter, the Alcohol Explained private Facebook group, and an online community called Tribe Sober. I've managed 50 days alcohol free and am feeling positive about life for the first time in a long time. Just suggestions if you're looking for something new. Good luck with it all, it's not easy but it's worth it.
Sorry to hear about your circumstances, it sounds like you are having a difficult time, so no surprises that you are reaching for your familiar crutch.
I understand what you mean about Social Services, my sister is struggling with my mother’s care and is getting practically zero support. The system desperately needs to be overhauled.
Instead of AA, why not give Smart recovery a try. It is used by the NHS and worked well for me, AA helps lots of people but not others:-
Hi, I’m sorry to read your post. You are clearly going through a tough time. I read your previous posts when I first joined in October and was incredibly impressed on how well you’d done. It was inspirational for me. I was diagnosed with cirrhosis in March 2021 and was pretty sick with an infection at the time. I was terrified. I joined this forum a while into my recovery as I felt I needed more information about my disease. I was feeling a lot better but wasn’t sure I was on the right track so rang the helpline and they suggested joining this forum as well. I read some of your updates and I thought wow what an amazing guy. It gave me reassurance that I was doing the right things and just needed to continue. I don’t think this ‘journey’ is an easy one. Alcohol was my ‘go to’ when I was stressed, down or just needed to escape. Not drinking was easier than I imagined though. A year ago if you’d told me I’d have not touched a drop in 10 months I’d have laughed you out of the room, but with the help of my alcohol counsellor, my family and friends I have kicked it into touch. That’s not to say I haven’t ‘needed’ something at times. Fortunately, I’ve found milk works for me....seriously. It helps me sleep and is good for me too! My GP didn’t laugh when I told him, he said there are things in milk that do help you sleep. So there you go, something I now rely on that won’t kill me! You’ve done this before...so I’m absolutely sure that you can do it again. You just need a bit more help at the moment. This is a blip brought on by stress and emotional pressure. Stop the alcohol, even if it isn’t a daily event, it will do you no good. It will cloud your judgement and taint the way you look at your situation. See it as part of the process and try to find the equivalent of my milk. There will be something. Take care, you truly are an inspiration to me.
Hi Ashw88, I hope you can see from the outpouring of support you have received how much everyone is rooting for you. And it takes courage to admit when things aren't going well so kudos to you. I can't add much more to what has already has been said but if you want to talk things over, our helpline is open from 10am to 3pm Monday to Friday on 0800 652 7330. Take care
Trust10
Stay strong Ash. You have done so well in the past, and you will again. ❤️
Temptation is a helluva thing to fight, when you know, for a while, it will make everything better. But the reality, as you well know is, it doesn't. 😥
Thinking of you and wishing you a swift return to your healthier self ❤️🙏
Hi there Ash. May I first of all say how sorry I am to hear about your Mum. My Mum always used to say to me and my sister I don't want you looking after me. My response to that was "you looked after us for all of our life, it's our turn now". This is just what you are doing but please look after yourself too. You are a remarkable and caring guy and you have done extremely well. Has it been confirmed that your liver is decompensated? You might possibly be stressing yourself out thinking that. Just a suggestion, but couldn't you contact either your Doctor for a referral back to Hepatology for a scan or even express your concerns to the Hepatology Team. I would have thought you should still be having six monthly scans!! Please stay positive Ash - you really can reverse your current situation and stop that demon drink again. Onwards and upwards Ash, you must stay strong for your dear Mum too. Big hugs. xx
Hi Ash. Sorry to hear you're having a tough time personally with your Mum and that you've had a relapse. When I first came on here around 18 months ago you were quite active on this chat and your story inspired me and is so very similar to mine. I haven't been on here for ages but today I came back on and saw your post. I'd not bothered with site for various reasons. I've been sober since July 2020 with one very small relapse, well if you call 3 litres of vodka over two days small 🙄. Anyway I wanted to say hi and if you ever want to chat I'm here. I wasn't actively chatting much at all last time as I wasn't ready but I am now so if you ever need a virtual shoulder.... Take care. Claire x
fella....just stay strong,I know not easy....at all. I'm similar in many ways.....was very poorly 3 yrs ago,with decompensated liver....acites,bleeding varices...the lot. also know similar,as look after my dad with advanced Parkinson's.....i just know that I can't drink again......i have to be ther 247 for my dad. I would be lying if I said there weren't times when I would love a drink. I can remember the gastro consultant saying in no uncertain terms,that my life would end quickly if I didn't cease drinking. I will never forget the look on their face. u can do it fella....if I can u can. just think of your mother fella,stay strong for her. u can do it. sorry not as much help as the others.......my best wishes chris
Hi Ash, I feel your pain. No one knows what it is like to be an addict, unless you’ve been one yourself. It’s at times, like you are experiencing, that we are at most danger. I also have to avoid replacing alcohol with anything else as I know I will just use that as a prop. Maybe docs can suggest another option than one you are using?
I must have googled several times as to whether there is something safe and healthy that you can replace alcohol with that will give you same effects….and there is none. A bit like unhealthy foods are always so tasty, diet ones generally are not. The fact I even do that suggests I crave a replacement even when I am sober. You may be possibly the same? Just have to learn we can enjoy life without any such crutches. I’m sure you can look back when you have been sober and think of nights out or events you enjoyed without a drop of it. I certainly can, but thought I always needed it to enjoy life.
It sounds like you need to press the reset button again and just work out what would best for you. Think gym was mentioned for you in past? Can you still go? Really helps me. Play your favourite music while training, Make sure it’s uplifting and powerful. Helps me push through. I also find talking to myself really useful. Not mad, just like to remind myself that I can do it, I will do it, I might make mistakes, but must learn from them and find my way back.
I think you can do this. You are being honest with yourself, which is really key. Let’s face it, we addicts lie to others and ourselves. You are being VERY honest, which tells me you will face this head on and find a way forward.
But, as others have said, I think you also need to find out if you can get some more support with caring for your mum. Any close relatives or family friends that could just give you some respite to get out and do something you enjoy-obviously not drinking activity 😉
Another great idea Archie 🙂 Talking to ourselves is excellent, it is positive reinforcement. We are reminding ourselves we can achieve our goals. It is a very powerful tool that is at our disposal whenever we need it.
Hi Ash, I know you’ve already had lots of support on the alcohol front and Davy Gravy has given some top tips on the caring front. I cared for my Mum 24/7 for 2 months and was exhausted by the end, so I have no idea how people do it long term. I do know that it’s them that shout loudest that get help from social services. It was only when my Mum phoned them in tears saying she couldn’t cope with my grandma that social services stepped in with respite care. So I’d suggest phoning them and telling them exactly how you’re feeling. Don’t put your brave face on, tell them about your own health and what your going through. It would also be worth telling your GP because they might be able to help with care referrals for your Mum. Where I live and also at my work there are support networks for caters which have helped me massively. Is there anything like that near you? And if you have siblings, ask for what you need. My brother had no idea what I was dealing with until I told him I needed a day off and could he look after Mum for a day. After that he was there whenever I needed a break. It brought us closer. Hang in there - you can do this
Your stories and posts have been a huge inspiration to me and it looks like many others but we are all human and all have setbacks. I am glad you reached out and can now get support. Hope you stay.
Thank you all for being so kind and understanding, I will beat this disease,I've done it b4 ill do it again. Currently got myself back in to path to recovery hopefully sorting me,only then I can help my mum then. Onwards and upwards 🙌. Thanks you lovely lot all your help suggestions have been kindly taken on board, just up to me now to sort it out. Much love to you all xAsh
Hi to you Ash. Only just read your response to all members who have taken on board your post. You really can do this again and the "naughty drink elves" are banned from your home - I've given them a real dressing down and they knew I was very annoyed with them.
😂
Take good care Ash. Big hugs and heartfelt thoughts. xx
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) because you already know this but, you are under pressure, overstretched and when things get too much we look for the easiest escape route... which often is a drink. 
Cirrhosis at 35
Feeling great
Back again....... with shame!
Feel a little lost :(
I;m feeling crap - head-wise
