A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
Ill give you the night to consider your options."
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?”
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen.''
Written by
Brett11
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Almost as good as the man who woke up after 12 weeks in a coma following a motorway pile-up.
The doctor says. you may have noticed that your legs are missing, oh and your arms, chest had to go as did you head. However, there is one eye left. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but you are also blind.
As promised, the Joke about the man with only one Testicle.
Said man goes to the Doctors, clearly with only one testicle, the Doctor refers him to a Specialist (if there is such a 'thing'🤷♂️) After, much shenanigans, he is offered a, rather unusual Operation..... The man is told that he can have, his Missing Part, replaced by a small pickled onion. Well, to begin with, the man thinks this is Ridiculous.... but slowly, over time, decides that 'maybe Yes- why not?'. As such he contacts the Specialist again and, a date, for the Operation, is made the next week. The man's operation, actually 'goes', very well indeed and, before long, he is the Proud Owner of- how can I put this- a 'Normal' pair of Balls.
Clearly, the man is delighted, and at a, six monthly 'Check Up' tells the Specialist that "Everything is Great- the look, feel, everything.... there is just one 'Thing' though" "What is that?" replies the Doctor "Well you know the Feeling, that you get, when you see a Pretty Girl".... the Doc nods..."well I get it every time I see a Cheese Sandwich!"
Did you know that ET had three 'Balls'? Why else would they call him.....wait for this...The Extra Testicle!
I hope that I haven't Offended anybody, by these Jokes here.... Just a bit of, 'Adult Humour', we ARE 'Big' boys & girls, after all.
Thought of about 12:30am Monday Morning..... Just HAD to 'Post'.
A Man rushes into his Doctor's Surgery "Doc, Doc Can you help me Out?" The, slightly surprised Doctor replies "Well, that all depends, on 'Which Way' you came In.....
A Little girl asks her Grandmother "How Old are you Nanny?" The Grandma answers rather evasively "I'm not to sure Darling". "Well it's easy to find out Nanny" exclaims the girl excitedly "Just look in your Knickers..... Mine 'say' 'Five to Seven years!'"
….and hen there's the 'None Too Bright' ones.... A man is at the Bar, whilst on holiday. A t the 'Other' end, of the Bar, is a Rather Attractive Lady. "Barman" calls the man, the Barman dutifully comes over "Will you please get, that lady (he points), a Drink on me", "Erm, Ah, I wouldn't Bother, if I were you, She's a Lesbian" the Barman informs him. "That doesn't Matter, get her a Drink anyway" insists the man. The Barman gives the lady, her drink, indicating the Man who bought it for her. The lady, looks over, and Nods her thanks. At this point, the Man, walks over to the lady and asks......Wait for this "Tell me, which part of 'Lesbia' are you from!"
Then there was the Couple who bought a Water Bed.... apparently, they have been, 'Drifting Apart', ever since! I'd tell you, the joke, about the Butter.....but you would only SPREAD it! There was the 'Dopey' Secretary, who dropped a Whole Pack of Contraceptives, into the Photocopier..... Apparently it wouldn't 'REPRODUCE', for Months! One for the Children, no really, ask then 'Have you got any 'Holes', in your socks?' When they reply 'No', ask them 'How do you get your FEET in then'!
You 'Got' me, ThreeSmiles….I'm actually completely 'Loony', Mad as a Hatter, Of my Trolley- if I had one to start with, that is🤪. Mind you doesn't it 'Take one, to Know one'?
One that, actually Challenges, the Stereotypes.... A Man gets a Puncture, as chance would have it, outside a Mental Home. As he is attempting to 'Change' The wheel, he accidently knocks- all four- wheel nuts down a drain. As he is 'Pondering' a Voice calls out, from one of the windows, "Why don't you simply take a wheel nut off, the other three, wheels.... that way you will have three on each wheel. It will get you to a Garage anyway." "That's Brilliant" replies the motorist "I'll do, just that, thank you so much". "My pleasure" replies the Inmate "I might be 'Mad' but I'm NOT Stupid!"
One I saw once "God is Black.... Yes SHE is". Then there was the Dyslexic who went to a 'Toga' Party.... Dressed as a 'Goat'😋.
It's now 11:11 and I'm off to BED, so I'll say 'Good Night ThreeSmiles, what a great 'Name''.
Hahaha - it’s coolio to be entertained at this time of night - especially when this thread was set out by Bob (Brett) to be a humorous one - and so fortunately no-one can whinge about it being off topic 😀.
Yes it does take 1 to no-one - as feckle would say....
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I have to make a decision between my mental health and my liver 
Partner who does not want to give up drinking when I am the sick one and have done so successfully for seven months now
I have so much to share as all this hit our home too! Stop drinking and your health/etc. will thank you! 
I have a question regarding a recent finding on my CT Scan.
So I have liver disease?
