Ok. I know you have missed my crap jok... - British Liver Trust

British Liver Trust

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Ok. I know you have missed my crap jokes so here is one.........

Brett11 profile image
44 Replies

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

Ill give you the night to consider your options."

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?”

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen.''

Written by
Brett11 profile image
Brett11
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44 Replies
ThreeSmiles profile image
ThreeSmiles

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 👍.

My wife might have said - go for it as it was before and we’ll still have more than enough left for a new kitchen.......

Kristian profile image
Kristian in reply toThreeSmiles

🤣🤣🤣🤣 this is funier than the original 🤣🤣

Bootandall profile image
Bootandall in reply toKristian

Yep 👍👍🤣🤣🤣

briccolone profile image
briccolone in reply toThreeSmiles

Very drole

ThreeSmiles profile image
ThreeSmiles in reply tobriccolone

I’m not on the dole nor PiP for that matter......

.

.

😑

😀

🤣

😂😂😂 brilliant

Brightstar15 profile image
Brightstar15

😂😂

Anymore as you've cheered my morning up 😊

chugalong profile image
chugalong

Brilliant 🤣🤣

Laura009 profile image
Laura009

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 this is why l thank god you're back !!!

George_2017 profile image
George_2017

🤣🤣🤣

brightened up my morning, how sad is that.

GardenPixie profile image
GardenPixie

Oh groan!! :D :D :D

alfredthegreat profile image
alfredthegreat

Brilliant Brett! :-) :-) :-)

LAJ123 profile image
LAJ123

Almost as good as the man who woke up after 12 weeks in a coma following a motorway pile-up.

The doctor says. you may have noticed that your legs are missing, oh and your arms, chest had to go as did you head. However, there is one eye left. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but you are also blind.

Bootandall profile image
Bootandall in reply toLAJ123

Hahaha 👍😄😄

Thistle09 profile image
Thistle09 in reply toLAJ123

SICK!!! Hahaha.

in reply toLAJ123

The poor guy. After all he went through to end up with a doctor that couldn't see either. What are the chances?

Dogbot profile image
Dogbot

Great 😂

Bootandall profile image
Bootandall

Bravo, made my day! 🌹😂😂👍👍

This joke is sick. Below the belt, down under humour tut tut.

The length people go for a Hob Nob Kitchen. 😜

Isabelle2 profile image
Isabelle2

Made me smile- thx

Izzy x

Brett11 profile image
Brett11

It’s really difficult to find a joke that won’t offend anyone 😂

in reply toBrett11

Not me surely. Mine was merely a feckle joke. 😜

AndrewT profile image
AndrewT

Dear Brett11,

Very Funny 😁. When I have time, not now it's late, I'll tell you about the man with only one Testicle. It's OK it's Not rude (well not very anyway).

AndrewT

Thistle09 profile image
Thistle09

You're in fine form! Keep it up! ;-)

Dazakella2010 profile image
Dazakella2010

🤣🤣🤣🤣

AndrewT profile image
AndrewT

Dear Brett11,

As promised, the Joke about the man with only one Testicle.

Said man goes to the Doctors, clearly with only one testicle, the Doctor refers him to a Specialist (if there is such a 'thing'🤷‍♂️) After, much shenanigans, he is offered a, rather unusual Operation..... The man is told that he can have, his Missing Part, replaced by a small pickled onion. Well, to begin with, the man thinks this is Ridiculous.... but slowly, over time, decides that 'maybe Yes- why not?'. As such he contacts the Specialist again and, a date, for the Operation, is made the next week. The man's operation, actually 'goes', very well indeed and, before long, he is the Proud Owner of- how can I put this- a 'Normal' pair of Balls.

Clearly, the man is delighted, and at a, six monthly 'Check Up' tells the Specialist that "Everything is Great- the look, feel, everything.... there is just one 'Thing' though" "What is that?" replies the Doctor "Well you know the Feeling, that you get, when you see a Pretty Girl".... the Doc nods..."well I get it every time I see a Cheese Sandwich!"

Did you know that ET had three 'Balls'? Why else would they call him.....wait for this...The Extra Testicle!

I hope that I haven't Offended anybody, by these Jokes here.... Just a bit of, 'Adult Humour', we ARE 'Big' boys & girls, after all.

AndrewT

Brett11 profile image
Brett11 in reply toAndrewT

That’s good 😂

in reply toAndrewT

😊

in reply toAndrewT

Let me guess. He lost the other in a motorway pileup.

If we ever travel that way, we'll be avoiding those.

...And pickled onions.

P13jne profile image
P13jne

Love it. Giggled into my coffee 🤦‍♀️ xx

AndrewT profile image
AndrewT

Dear Brett11,

Thought of about 12:30am Monday Morning..... Just HAD to 'Post'.

A Man rushes into his Doctor's Surgery "Doc, Doc Can you help me Out?" The, slightly surprised Doctor replies "Well, that all depends, on 'Which Way' you came In.....

Sorry just remembered this one.

AndrewT

Keep taking the tablets, funny pills. 🙄

AndrewT profile image
AndrewT

One more, see I don't 'Skimp' do I?

A Little girl asks her Grandmother "How Old are you Nanny?" The Grandma answers rather evasively "I'm not to sure Darling". "Well it's easy to find out Nanny" exclaims the girl excitedly "Just look in your Knickers..... Mine 'say' 'Five to Seven years!'"

Out of the mouths of baes eh?

AndrewT

Brett11 profile image
Brett11

Ok!

Short but sweet!!

The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today

His wife is taking it really hard

😂 😂 😂

AndrewT profile image
AndrewT

Dear Brett11

….and hen there's the 'None Too Bright' ones.... A man is at the Bar, whilst on holiday. A t the 'Other' end, of the Bar, is a Rather Attractive Lady. "Barman" calls the man, the Barman dutifully comes over "Will you please get, that lady (he points), a Drink on me", "Erm, Ah, I wouldn't Bother, if I were you, She's a Lesbian" the Barman informs him. "That doesn't Matter, get her a Drink anyway" insists the man. The Barman gives the lady, her drink, indicating the Man who bought it for her. The lady, looks over, and Nods her thanks. At this point, the Man, walks over to the lady and asks......Wait for this "Tell me, which part of 'Lesbia' are you from!"

Then there was the Couple who bought a Water Bed.... apparently, they have been, 'Drifting Apart', ever since! I'd tell you, the joke, about the Butter.....but you would only SPREAD it! There was the 'Dopey' Secretary, who dropped a Whole Pack of Contraceptives, into the Photocopier..... Apparently it wouldn't 'REPRODUCE', for Months! One for the Children, no really, ask then 'Have you got any 'Holes', in your socks?' When they reply 'No', ask them 'How do you get your FEET in then'!

Enough already or I'LL go MAD😵…. Kindest wishes

AndrewT

ThreeSmiles profile image
ThreeSmiles in reply toAndrewT

Go?

😀

AndrewT profile image
AndrewT in reply toThreeSmiles

You 'Got' me, ThreeSmiles….I'm actually completely 'Loony', Mad as a Hatter, Of my Trolley- if I had one to start with, that is🤪. Mind you doesn't it 'Take one, to Know one'?

One that, actually Challenges, the Stereotypes.... A Man gets a Puncture, as chance would have it, outside a Mental Home. As he is attempting to 'Change' The wheel, he accidently knocks- all four- wheel nuts down a drain. As he is 'Pondering' a Voice calls out, from one of the windows, "Why don't you simply take a wheel nut off, the other three, wheels.... that way you will have three on each wheel. It will get you to a Garage anyway." "That's Brilliant" replies the motorist "I'll do, just that, thank you so much". "My pleasure" replies the Inmate "I might be 'Mad' but I'm NOT Stupid!"

One I saw once "God is Black.... Yes SHE is". Then there was the Dyslexic who went to a 'Toga' Party.... Dressed as a 'Goat'😋.

It's now 11:11 and I'm off to BED, so I'll say 'Good Night ThreeSmiles, what a great 'Name''.

AndrewT

alfredthegreat profile image
alfredthegreat in reply toAndrewT

11.11 How strange. Those numbers are very significant in our lives here.

In fact we weren't surprised when my first appointment today turned out to be 11 am on the 11th.

My wife's mother said that she would watch over us when she died.

She was born 11/11/22.

The events in our lives that include the number 11 have been numerous :-) :-)

in reply toalfredthegreat

Elevenses. 🧀🍌

AndrewT profile image
AndrewT in reply toalfredthegreat

Jokes apart, how lovely, and I 'bet' she was too😊.

AndrewT

alfredthegreat profile image
alfredthegreat in reply toAndrewT

Very much so :-) :-)

ThreeSmiles profile image
ThreeSmiles in reply toAndrewT

Hahaha - it’s coolio to be entertained at this time of night - especially when this thread was set out by Bob (Brett) to be a humorous one - and so fortunately no-one can whinge about it being off topic 😀.

Yes it does take 1 to no-one - as feckle would say....

Oh and good night too!

Milo Pilo

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