One Week Update

[mixedupmum]

Hi All

Thank you to everyone who has offered support, advice and information in the last week. I really appreciate it.

I've been reading lots of posts on this forum but haven't really commented on many - don't worry, I'm not a weird stalker or anything...I just don't feel able/qualified to add anything (other than best wishes). What I will say is that I am humbled and inspired by many people on this forum - both those who are dealing with complex health issues and carers who are supporting loved ones. You are an amazing bunch of people. So, thank you all for your honestly, courage, humour and positivity.

A week ago I went to my GP because I'd reached crisis point with my mental health and alcohol dependence (at least a bottle of wine per night for over 6 months with hardly any days off). I was advised to take a month off the alcohol. I am now one week alcohol free - Yay!

I have to admit - I'm missing the wine! I'm missing the ritual - the pop of the cork, the glug of pouring and that first sip (sigh). But, it's getting easier every day as many of you said it would. I'm determined to stick to the month alcohol free....and I may well extend that period. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I know that I can't ever go back to drinking the way I was - it was ruining my life. But, I also know that if I start drinking again, I'll have to be super strong to not let a glass of wine turn into a bottle and end up in a mess again. It's a lot to think about so I will take it one day at a time for now before making any decisions/promises.

So, one week off the booze....that's the longest I've gone without an alcoholic drink in about 3 & a half years (I did a 'dry January' in 2015).

I'm still having some mild withdrawal symptoms (brain fog, sweating, shaking hands) but they are gradually getting less noticeable as the days go by.

I've always been a very emotional 'heart on my sleeve' no-filter type of person so I've had to ride the emotional roller-coaster and deal with negative feelings (rage mainly) during the last week without numbing those feelings with wine. I've been particularly furious (in my head) with a post-grad student who was basically bullying me during my dissertation project (the bullying contributed to last week's crisis point). I have complained about this student and my tutor is dealing with the situation. I've also been given an extension for my dissertation, thank goodness. Anyway, yesterday I was feeling utter fury about how this student had treated me.....I was so tempted to buy a bottle of wine and drink those feelings away....but I suddenly realised that if I did that, he would 'win' because his behaviour would have caused me to make bad choices. Instead I wrote a list of adjectives that describe him - it's a long list and not very flattering to him (e.g. misogynistic, vain, domineering, insecure, egotistical, creepy, etc, etc, etc.). This made me feel so much better because my rage was directed onto paper and seeing all those (at least 20) adjectives made me realise that this horrible man is a very sad person indeed and not worth it. I'm sure Karma will kick him up the bum one day - my only hope is that Karma will be wearing hob-nail boots when this happens.

So, I've been 'feeling my feelings' instead of drowning them in wine. It's emotionally painful and exhausting but I'm trying to think of practical ways of dealing with negative feelings instead of avoiding them (or self-medicating). Any ideas/suggestions would most appreciated.

On a more positive note - I managed another 20 minute run yesterday. It'll be a long road back to fitness but I'm determined to get there.

As I've mentioned briefly before - I'm a student dietitian not far off from qualifying. I've wanted to become a dietitian for over 10 years but I put off returning to University (I gained my first degree when I was 21) to concentrate on being a mum. As you can imagine - after many years of putting everyone else first - completing my degree and qualifying is extremely important to me. I came very close to ruining that - another huge reason why I had to sort out my alcohol dependence and mental health.

Also, the booze has had a huge effect on my weight - I've gained approximately 2 and a half stone (35lbs or 16Kgs) in the last couple of years. I'm 'officially' obese (BMI 30) - only just - but still, as a future dietitian the irony is not lost on me! Also, if I'm going to advise others on diet and health, I would like to set a good example by following healthy habits and looking after myself. The booze has contributed to me making very unhealthy food choices lately....so as well as cutting the alcohol I'm trying to improve my diet. I think going through this will help me to understand my patient's struggles once I qualify.

That brings me to another odd side effect - my taste buds are going bonkers! Everything tastes more - sweeter, saltier, spicier, etc.....my dinner last night included salmon, chorizo, black olives, tomatoes and salad - the chorizo was too spicy and the olives too salty....I could eat them at all. Later I had some chocolate and it was too sweet - it made me feel sick. Is this a side effect anyone else has had? I've never been a fussy eater - I LOVE food and will eat pretty much anything! I wonder if the alcohol was numbing my taste buds and they are kicking back in (and then some!) at the moment. Perhaps they'll balance out after a while?

OK - this is becoming another super long post....I'll just leave you with a weird dream I had the other day (I've always had weird dreams so I'm not blaming this on withdrawal):

I dreamt that I was wrapped in a swaddle (baby style) on a hospital bed and Cynthia Nixon (Miranda in Sex & the City) was my doctor - she was poking my abdomen and making sarcastic 'Miranda -esq' comments about my liver and spleen! Because I was swaddled, I couldn't stop her from poking me and she just wouldn't stop.....I woke up struggling with my duvet!

Anyway, that's quite enough of my ramblings for now...

Love,

M

[jojokarak]

Carry on the good work 😊 as for taste buds, mine changed as well when I had stopped drinking I must say I enjoy my food too much now .. same as yourself I have put on so much weight since my transplant (18 months ago) some of that down to steroids but I don't mind I will get it under control when I have other aspects sorted ...

You are self aware which makes it even harder sometimes to carry on but your doing the right thing writing things down I had a diary which I still have and read on my down days to remind myself what I had to go through to get to where I am today , hopefully it would help you as well X

[mixedupmum in reply to jojokarak]

Thanks Jojo! Yes, writing things down really helps. I enjoy making lists (and then ticking things off!). It just occurred to me that I could write a list of non-booze treats I could 'reward' myself with as time goes on. After all, I've probably been spending up to about £100 a week on booze for the last 6 months (Yikes - that's £2600!!!). I've never really spent money on 'self-care', pampering, make up or clothes....I've never felt that I 'deserved' these things and I've always thought spending on these things was a waste of money. Yet, I'd think nothing of spending £10 on a bottle of wine! Madness. Right then....I'm gonna make that list!!!

[jojokarak in reply to mixedupmum]

Get them treats rolling in for yourself x

[mixedupmum in reply to jojokarak]

Thanks Jojo! Will do.

[Isabelle2]

Hi

As regards cravings think HALT. 4 major triggers : hunger, anger, loneliness (boredom) and tiredness. Not the only ones but classic ones you should look out for.

Glad it’s going ok xx

[mixedupmum in reply to Isabelle2]

Thanks Isabelle! I've never heard of HALT before but will definitely think about that when cravings hit me.

[Adelou]

Don't let your students get to you, some of mine have put me through the mill over the past 4 weeks & they know that my hubby has had his transplant. Even right up until the day before their food prep exam which was yesterday. Yes it hurts at the time but that is why they do it, they want an instant reaction from us.....dont give it them. I usually reply with that they have an empty mind if that is all they can do with their time in my lessons just before an exam that their grade could be used to decide their future.

Well done for not giving up.

[mixedupmum in reply to Adelou]

Thanks Adelou!

I probably didn't explain it properly - I'm a mature undergraduate student (not the teacher) and it was a supervising PhD student who was bullying me....during my dissertation project. It was the final straw after a really stressful 6 months.

Though, I used to be a teacher before having my children so I can empathise with how a class full of teens can fray the nerves.

I hope your hubby is recovering well from his transplant.

[Beauport]

Lists are brilliant! When I first gave up alcohol I made a list of For and Against drinking. Quite an eye-opener! The Against column was about four times longer than the For column. That really made me think long and hard whenever I got a craving. You're doing so well - feel proud of yourself.

Carole x

[mixedupmum in reply to Beauport]

Thank you!