As many of you are already aware, I fell back into the alcohol pit last year, when my disability benefits were stopped and my depression and anxiety spiralled out of control. It's the only crutch I've ever really had during visits from the Black Dog, and this time I was suicidal to the point that I didn't care if I drank myself to death. I genuinely thought that my husband would be better off without the burden that I thought myself to be at the time. Things looked up in April though, when he found a job. He's still with that company and our financial worries are gone.
However, I'm still drinking. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place in some ways: I've always known that I have that kind of personality that is prone to addiction, and hindsight has shown me that I was stupid to fall into the trap the DWP set for me and give in to my vices to try and feel better. I want to go cold turkey, but my consultant refuses to allow it because I'm epileptic, and he's concerned that a sudden withdrawal would send me into a potentially fatal seizure. Even if not, it would almost certainly hospitalise me again in other ways (he's not been specific but has strongly implied that whatever might happen would be unpleasant and possibly life-threatening).
The only option I have open to me is allowing my husband to take control. I'm having to allow him to mete out an allocated amount of alcohol per evening, because if I'm left to my own devices I can't stop drinking any more than I can stop eating crisps once I've started; my addictive traits cover a wide range of foods and beverages, not just alcohol.
I'm really just looking for support from others who are trying to get back on the wagon, and those who have succeeded in doing so. We're cutting the amount of alcohol I consume gradually (I'm now back on a standard small UK measure, or having smaller glasses of wine) but I'm really not sure that my husband is strong enough to keep saying no to me. It would be unfair of me to expect him to support me completely when I have other avenues and people available. Any help and advice would be much appreciated - but please don't lecture me, because I know perfectly well that - depressed and suicidal or not - getting back on the bottle was an incredibly stupid move. Desperation causes you to stop thinking in the long-term, and now I want to concentrate on moving forward instead of punishing myself for something that can happen to anyone. Thanks for listening.