Last week my husband got diagnosed with Liver Cirrhosis...in the same week that I found out that my father has cancer! A really tough week to say the least.
My husband had a really swollen leg (just one), he looked quite grey and he had been having really bad nosebleeds which he kept telling me was hayfever. He was also sleeping a lot in the day and not eating much... so I was slowly putting all the pieces together. His hands were shaking so much that a few friends asked if he had Parkinsons and he was covered in huge bruises. So I could tell he was going down hill health wise and eventually convinced him to go to the doctors after weeks of pleading. He was sent straight to A&E and was kept in for 3 nights. He has been told by the consultant that he has Cirrhosis but if he stops drinking things can improve - but if he continues... well there is only one outcome. I don't know if it's compensated or decompensated (a term I learnt on here yesterday)
He has been amazing and he's nearly 2 weeks dry with the help of meds. I think the harshness of the diagnosis has shocked him to stop, which is fantastic.
However, he is very down (which I totally understand, he's totally lost his sparkle). A lot of our friends drink a lot.... something I recently realised, so we are having a quiet month away from people till we get used to this new normality.
He has asked me not to tell anyone about his situation and he's just telling people he has an infection - which I have honoured but I have to say I'm not sure I agree with the approach but it's his story and his choice.
He's not being terribly supportive regarding the situation with my Dad but I figure he has quite a lot to deal with and I have to just give him time.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit alone and maybe was hoping for some advice in how to handle these early days. Should I let him just be sad... or should I keep spinning myself in knots trying to find non alcohol related activities to try and cheer him up?
Any advice welcome.
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GadaboutGal
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Sorry to hear about your dreadful week. Looks like your husband has a wonderful companion. However, it's not your responsibility to "cheer him up" so to speak.
Now I dont mean that in a harsh way. Of course do what you can. However, if he wants to get better, AND HE CAN, he needs to start taking responsibility for his emotions and his actions himself. It won't be easy, but it will be necessary to help get the best long term outcome.
His diagnosis is a good thing. He knows where he now stands and also that he can do something about it. It doesn't have to be a death sentence. He needs to find a way to enjoy social situations without needing to revert to alchohol. Set small goals if needed and enjoy achieving them. That's a good way of getting that bit of a non-alchoholoc high your body appreciates and hopefully should improve overall mood. It just needs time, and the right attitude. And attitude is something entirely in his control.
Thank you... small goals is definitely a good approach. I think he just needs to see that you can still be happy without alcohol but it was so much a part of his life, I guess he's finding that a bit hard at the moment! Early days and thank you.
I am so sorry to hear about your sad news. It must be really tough dealing with both of these things at once. Has your husband been referred to any support groups to contact? They can't help everyone but can be a lifeline for some.
Hi!When my husband stopped drinking we did it together and created new hobbies and interests together. We also have become brilliant at moctails and non-alcoholic drinks! Virgin mojito, ginger beer and lemon, 7up and tonic with a squeeze of fresh lemon to name a few.
It has brought us closer together and i can honestly say I enjoyed it - its been no sacrifice for me.
Ive heard people say its the drinkers problem not yours etc. but I believe in our marriage as partners and we're in it together as far as Im concerned. My husband wasnt a problem drinker and didnt suffer from any dependancy which we are thankful for but he still enjoyed a drink, and missed it a bit initially. I don't know if that makes our situation different to yours....but i just wanted to throw another line of thought out to you as you consider all the messages!
Thank you for your wise words. Like you, I feel like we are 'in it together' ... when he is feeling better, I'm going to try and get us doing more activity together... maybe some gentle sports. I like the mocktail making tip - thank you!
Hi, very sorry to hear about your dad. This is a lot to deal with for you. I hope you have people round you in addition to your husband to support you.
I can offer a little insight to my experience both diagnosis and stopping alcohol. I can’t stress enough how difficult the adjustment is in both cases along with the anger I felt towards myself and the feeling of shame/ embarrassment which unfortunately is attached to this.
I’m sure your husband won’t want to burden you with all this especially just now. But it was an internal battle for me. Plus adjusting to taking away a massive part of life used in difficult times to cope. After diagnosis I felt hopeless. Like it was a death sentence.
The fact it’s alcohol related means alcohol was a huge part of life. In order to over come any addiction you need to be selfish and purely focus on you. Taking on to much over this has you running the risk of relapse. It’s not just the diagnosis you are battling. I wish I had done this before I ended up with Cirrhosis. I tried several times to stop. But didn’t put the emphasis on me and kept trying to get on with life normally. It took very little to knock me and the cycle started again.
The first 4 months looking back was very difficult after diagnosis. Constant focus on doing the right things. I had to prioritise getting better first in order to be back to my normal functioning self. It all comes back but it was short term with a long term benefit when weighed up. It was described to me as like losing your best friend who you turned too. It just took determination and focus on a goal to try and get through the other side of an improved mental state. Add in the uncertainty of cirrhosis and it really knocks your head all over the place.
That has been the most difficult part for me. I’m surprised you don’t know if compensated or not. I was decompensated, I didn’t know stage etc. there is a lot of conflicting info out there and I’m sure your husbands head will be all over the place.
What I will say, I experienced once people knew about my alcohol issue. Life changed. Not for the better either. It’s a very lonely place and adapting to so many life changing things at once can be overwhelming. It took several internal conversations to get my head strong and slowly battle through a lot of negativity and self loathing.
He’s doing great on the sobriety front. I hope he keeps it up, I’m now 14 months sober and the same diagnosed. Everything I lost is coming back. I’m sure he will be the same if he continues.
Again… I’m sorry to hear your Dads unwell , I wish him and you all the best, I thought this could perhaps help give a potential insight into where your husband is just now.
Hi - thanks so much for this insight. My husband doesn't talk about his feelings at all... so this is so helpful to try and understand what is going on in his head. Your words about letting him focus on this goal alone is very sound...that makes total sense now I hear you say it. Thank you for the detailed reply.
First of all welcome and I read your post with a wry smile nodding along to everything you have said and you are experiencing, back in January I was going through exactly the same emotional rollacoster with my hubby but you have the additional stress of your father so that's doubly tough and I am very sorry to hear this. There is really no going back for him and if he listens and realises that he has a future without alcohol he can and will improve, you will want to help and support and do everything possible to keep him on track, but there are times he may think you are nagging or moaning and you will feel that there is nothing you can do - please just tell yourself that it is not you it is the illness.
It is good that he has meds my other half went cold turkey which was additional shock to the system but I can only assure you that there are many in this group who have lived through this and you are most certainly not alone.
Mine too was insistant in not telling the truth about the diagnosis, or that it was alcohol induced and it took 12 weeks in hospital with every conceivable test to finally convince him that his decompensated cirrhosis was caused by too many years of alcohol abuse and he has been able to admit this now - nearly 8 months on he is awaiting transplant and goes in for ascetis drain every 15 days but life is much much calmer now I can only give you a huge hug you are going to need lots of them there will be bad and good days and you can't really prepare yourself fully but the stories, experiences and the support you will get here will help you enormously there are some incredibly honest and brave and supportive people on this forum.
It has already been said but I can only echo the reality is that it is up to him to take responsibility for his health and his treatment and he will sometimes be so tired that all he wants or can do is sleep but honestly there is little you can do to cheer him up it really is up to him and he will get there slowly it's such early days.
Wishing you the very very best of luck and send you hugs x
Thank you... I guess I have to stop trying to 'fix things and make them better' and realise that this is one thing I can't fix. Sending you and your husband all the best too!
I should have mentioned, I posted something a few weeks back about where I am now compared to diagnosis.
It was aimed at people like your husband. It was just a description of my year and hopefully help someone who was in a similar position who had been recently diagnosed
Im really sorry to hear about your husband and your fathers diagnosis. I would like to say that after I was diagnosed with cirrhosis two months ago I fell into a deep hole. There was nothing but gloom inside my head. I was embarrassed that my drinking had caused this and now Im paying for it. Im slowly coming around now and things are getting better. Im sure your husband will start adjusting as time goes by but it takes some time I think, because Im still in the process. Its definitely a life changer. When drinking was a part of my every day life and I had to stop it is very hard especially at social gatherings. Try to get him exercising, it helps me keep my mind off things.Praying for the best for you and your family.
Thanks for your kind words, I will continue to be patient and supportive and hopefully he will start to adjust as you have done. Wishing you all the best.
Mine is slightly different as not alcohol related but not diagnosed until stage 4 cirrhosis with NASH. The two main veins to my liver were blocked with blood clots. I have had 26 operations to tie off variciles. Mine can never recover, but in 5 years I have gone from needing a transplant within 6 months to not looking at needing one at all at the moment. I have changed my diet completely. No processed food, no salt, very little fat. I think the biggest thing I have done is not allow myself to get stressed and being very grateful that I wake up every day as I actually was clinically dead twice. I am going to be welcoming my first grandchild in about 6 weeks. Something I never thought I would see in those first 10 dark weeks when I was in hospital. That is the biggest incentive I have to carry on looking after myself. Please make sure in all of this that you take time to look after yourself. Your husband can, with a lot of will power, ensure he becomes as healthy as possible. Your father is going to need your support probably more. Take care xx
Thank you for sharing that - it's great to know there are stories of hope and survival even in the darkest of times. I hope your condition continues to improve and wish you all the best.
I read your post and all the replies and it touched my heart. You are in the right place on this forum! These are the people to help. If it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger must possibly be the watch word for us all and I wish you all the best. You sound both loving and strong. Try to look after yourself too as well as those others. Love and light.
Hi a stressful week for you so sending you big love ❤ I think your hubby has a lot to take in and hopefully with his doctors saying how things can go can be brutal but reality is he can improve his livers health if he changes his life style. If he continues to feel down get him some counselling as this may help change his mindset. If you need to have a break from your social scene because of drinking maybe a holiday would help in a change of scene and may allow him to open up and see things differently. Xx
That's a good idea actually. Holidays used to be about drinking ... but maybe I can find an activity based one - he likes diving. Thanks for the great advice x
If you mean scuba diving then sadly it's contraindicated in patients with cirrhosis. A great many risk factors. It would definitely have to be run past his medical team.
Hi there, I'm sure you'll have read all the replies and it's taking away the best information as possible, cherry pick the bits you need and discard the other things you don't need. If your husband wants to use the excuse of hiding his condition I'd go with it, we all have had different journeys regarding alcohol and even had different illnesses caused through drinking.and one size doesn't fit all,as alcoholics we are quite vulnerable and the slightest thing can lead back to the demon brew, especially at the beginning, yes perhaps you don't like telling fibs, but at the end of the day your husband is trying, and that's what should count at the moment, yes having a social circle of friends who drink will cloud the matters however if and when your husband starts mixing again he can carry on with his own health scare and say he's decided to go on a fitness regime and quite clearly refuse a drink, yes being sober myself for over 12 years has taught me a lot, and if there's any deeper rooted issues why your husband ended up drinking to much, perhaps that needs addressing, I hope your fella continues in his recovery, kind regards.
That's a really great point and I hadn't thought of it that way to be honest. There's a lot of issues that have probably led to the drinking but he's successfully bottled those up for 55 years... I don't see him dealing with those any time soon. As long as he stays off the booze, as you say, that's the most important thing right now.
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