Emotional fallout

[MissDolittle]

8 weeks post OHS and I’m doing well physically and mentally. Feeling optimistic and taking on each new challenge with a smile …… but everyone around me seems to be falling apart.

I didn’t understand at the time what I was putting everyone through and now it seems everyone around me is suffering emotional upheaval. I feel everyone wants to talk to me about their trauma of watching me go through it all. I want to support them all and understand that sometimes they need to ask me questions, or constantly check in with me.

But how do I keep my own emotions in check? Today someone close to me wanted to discuss something, it became a difficult conversation and after I felt like I had been left with their emotional baggage. I’m not selfish to think that my procedure should have only affected me, I understand the impact it had, but I don’t want to be pulled into negative feelings that aren’t my own.

[DWizza]

It’s a real dilemma ! I felt that I had really let everyone down by having my Nstemi and quadruple bypass. I was also so grateful for the support and love from so many . I had a really good physical recovery for the first 4-5 months and I started to support a friend who was recently divorced and needed company , filling his diary with events , going to gigs which I really enjoyed . However I found I was doing a real wingman job , late nights were knocking me back (as well as my meds giving me some grief), he kept firing dates at me , weekend trips and it was just getting too much ! I really learned that my own empathy , natural desire to help others needed to be reigned in as I was investing too much of me into them. It was wearing me down. I read a quote that resonated “Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”

It helped me become more assertive in my choices , I started saying no to a lot of things that I was doing out of duty on a regular basis . I’m a lot happier and know what my boundaries are . I really took on my besties divorce issues prior to my heart attack as well, as I mentioned , my empathy was huge, sometimes I felt like I lived through his divorce 🤦🏼. I used to wake up and listen to radio 4 news every morning, I’ve banned that routine now , too miserable 🤦🏼🤣.. MissDolittle, you are a good person , you’ll be there for your friends , try and work on yourself and find your assertive button level that works for you , let your friend know that their situation has really affected you . It isn’t uncommon to have PTSD post surgery , on reflection I think I probably had/have a mild dose 🤦🏼.

[MissDolittle in reply to DWizza]

Thank you for your wise words, I am someone who is always there for people, but you’re right at the moment I need to step back for a while and worry about me.

[DWizza in reply to MissDolittle]

It’s hard , it’s taken me about 8 months to realise . The quote really helped me make a decision . It doesn’t mean we won’t be there for someone , but just not all the time , that we have to take responsibility for our own response to their issues too, a problem shared is a problem aired doesn’t mean we have to own their problems 👍🏻❤️❤️❤️

[Dimelza66 in reply to MissDolittle]

You can only help other people when you are balanced and strong. Otherwise you will try to support them and have to let them down, which makes things worse for them. Be honest, tell them you love them and care but you have to get back on your feet first. I haven't even told my father I'm having OHS next month because he'll go to pieces and then I will have to look after him. I'll tell him a day before the operation to cut down on emotional drain. You have to be pragmatic at times.

[AH31]

Sounds a stressful time.

I had OHS just over eight weeks ago and like you I am making a good recovery. It is Important for you to continue making the positive recovery and I’m sure you want to be there for friends and family but your health comes first.

I have been told the emotional rollercoaster during recovery can take up to a year, make sure you look after yourself.

[MissDolittle in reply to AH31]

Am I right in saying you were at St Bart’s 8 weeks ago- if so we might have been there at the same time! If you saw a crazy lady in Barbie pink pyjamas that was me lol

Thankyou for the advice, yes the emotional rollercoaster is certainly a wild ride, and I’ve defiantly been on it. On reflection I think maybe I went a little OTT myself yesterday but it’s hard to regulate yourself with so much going on. I’m busy worrying about my ribs wobbling around and having someone else trying tell me there concerns just doesn’t fit in at the moment. Think today will be a day of self care. Hope your recovery is going well 😊

[AH31 in reply to MissDolittle]

Yes I was there eight weeks ago I was on ward six bed nine! Amazing team and forever grateful for everything the NHS has done for me over 34 years.

I can relate to what you are saying, the emotions are tough at times, especially when others are telling you what to do (or what you should be doing lol). I have had that abit but tried to ignore it.

I have discomfort in right side of chest and my ribs ache in the evening, it is nice to speak to someone who has been through the same and understand.

I am a very independent and active person but somedays I just chill and enjoy being lazy lol 😂 especially when I’m going back to work soon.

[MissDolittle in reply to AH31]

I was ward 6 bed 9 the night before my surgery- it’s a small world! I agree the team were amazing 😊

I have had a constant pain in the left side of my chest and lots of rib discomfort, I actually managed to dislocate one on the second week 😱 it still feels like they are moving around, so I’m guessing if you feel the same then that’s pretty normal. I am off for an xray next week but that’s because I’ve also picked up a dry cough and seem to be making some odd noises in my wind pipe when I sleep.

When are you planning to return to work? I want to wait until the end of May to give myself a good 3 months.

[AH31 in reply to MissDolittle]

Omg really, I was on bed 14 the night before my surgery.

Ouch that does sound painful, I had a little trouble with the scar in centre of chest it got a-bit infected but with some treatment from my Gp it cleared up.

I went back to St Barts last Wednesday and they are happy with my progress but my echocardiogram shows leaking and narrowing is still present. I feel much better within myself so I going to keep going until I need another valve replacement. I definitely can relate to the discomfort within the chest and ribs.

I am going back to work towards the end of next month, gives me twelve weeks.

[MissDolittle in reply to AH31]

Now I need to ask, what date was ur surgery? Mine was the 21st.

Sorry to hear that it is leaking, but glad to hear you are feeling positive. Think that’s all we can do. I reached 36 with no one realising I was born with a congenital heart defect until I found myself in hospital last year. I was lucky I had a positive 6 week check up but I know in the long run there will be more bridges to cross, just not sure what mine look like yet x

[AH31 in reply to MissDolittle]

So the day you went to St Barts and stayed in bed nine is the day I was discharged, how crazy is that. We literally crossed paths, I left the hospital to travel home about 2pm.

I was born with my heart defect and was treated at Great Ormond Street. I am sorry you only found out about your heart condition last year.

[MissDolittle in reply to AH31]

So if you were in bed 9 for a few days you must have had the same room mate for a time as she was still there when you left 😊

So I had a surgeon from great Ormand street come to St Barts to operate on me, they also sent me there for some scans - it seemed like a lovely place for children, although it was funny when she offered me a sticker 😂

[MissDolittle in reply to MissDolittle]

Also I arrived just before 3pm, so yes we crossed paths by less than an hour!

[AH31]

wow that’s crazy how we could of been room mates lol 😂

Yes that lady joined me Monday evening and I was discharged the Tuesday morning I think she had been in there for a few weeks.

I had a lovely old lady with me and I loved her, who was your surgeon ? Haha a sticker I love that

Oh I love great Ormond street i was gutted when I was too old to visit for appointments lol 😂