Partners of patients how do you cope? I’m falling apart

[SJX130]

My husband 62 yo is awaiting quad bypass surgery at the BHI currently. Long story short, scans show he had a massive heart attack at some point and didn’t notice and it’s really damaged his heart. The bypass team are reluctant to do surgery as it’s risky. Professor Angelini has said he wants to do and thinks he can but the risks of mortality etc are higher. My husband has agreed to the surgery and is very positive about it. It’s scheduled for the week after next. He has been in hospital 5 weeks now and we’ve spent little time apart in our marriage. I am home with our 2 children (15 and 18) and I am falling apart. My insomnia is terrible, I’m lucky if I get 2 hours as I’m constantly woken up with panic attacks. I’m constantly vomiting with the stress. I can’t concentrate, the worry and stress is eating me alive. My husband is the breadwinner and I’m terrified how I will pay the bills if anything happens. My daughter is sitting her A levels and I’m absolutely broken hearted and terrified without my husband home. I just don’t know what to do or where to reach for help. I can’t tell him as he is being so strong but he is the person who is always strong for me and now I feel so alone and scared.

[MarmiteB]

oh my love, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds incredibly hard. Being physically and mentally unwell because of your husbands situation is totally understandable, I’m sure you have a million thoughts a day about it. Why don’t you ring the bhf nurses? 0300 330 3311, weekdays 9am-5pm. They will be able to answer questions you have and should be able to put you in touch with support for you as well.

Believe it or not I can see a couple of positives in your post xx

1. He’s in hospital and they haven’t let him leave because that’s the very best place for him. He is going to be so well looked after and constantly monitored, you wouldn’t be able to do that for him at home.

2. Having a bypass is hard and is a major operation (a lot of us on here have had one, inc myself) and although there is a higher risk than normal to the operation, they are willing to do it. If it was too risky, they simply wouldn’t operate. Surgeons don’t want to put people in unnecessary danger and they don’t want unsuccessful operations in their figures.

3. He is positive, that’s huge. If he is in a good mental state it will get him through it much more easily.

Good luck and keep on messaging on here. We will be here to listen to you xxx

[Douglas91 in reply to MarmiteB]

hello. I had all the same worries as you are having now. My husband was listed for a cabgx4 but during surgery they only did 3 grafts. He was in hospital for a long period before surgery and spent 2 days in IC I know what you are going through my situation was almost identical to yours. The staff in the hospital are well trained and are watching out for your husband. He’s in the best hands. Time hangs heavy when you are worried but try to keep your mind occupied on other things. He will be home very soon keep your chin up. Heart surgery nowadays is very routine and very safe. Believe me. Take care x

[Barbrian]

I am so saddened by your story and really hope you can get some comfort from the lovely people on here I can not begin to understand how you are feeling I am currently trying to support a friend with heart failure You could also contact the nurse etc on this site for support You really need assistance and must ask x

[Shar28]

Hello, I have an understanding if what you're going through as my husband has a heart condition and needed open heart surgery (OHS) to replace his aortic valve, it all went well and he’s fine now. But without the surgery it would be a different story. It’s a huge shock and a horrible, horrible time for all concerned. How you're feeling isn't unusual and there is help, for you and your children too. You're all going through this in your own ways

I found I went very emotionally numb after a while and that actually helped for a time. I stopped thinking about the future because the “what if”s were crucifying me. I found going onto autopilot helped me cope - eating because it was a mealtime, walking the dogs because they had to be etc. Our children are older than yours, both have left home, but they still needed looking after and they needed to look after me too. I expect yours are the same in their own ways, needing extra from you and at the same time worrying about you and wanting to help. There’s nothing wrong with that either, its natural for the whole family to look out for each other. Eventually I had counselling and that helped me come to terms with everything.

Some practical steps:

Have you spoken to your GP? They can help with by listening, prescription meds and organising/signposting counselling. Looking after yourself is essential as by doing so you're looking after your husband and family.

The BHF nurses are wonderful as explained above, so well worth a call.

Does your children’s school know what’s happening? They will help your children, write to the exam board etc.

The people on this forum are really supportive too, so feel free to shout out whenever you want. Whether that’s to rant, complain, wail, sob, share the journey your husband, you and your kids are making, etc. We’re here for you.

Best wishes to all.

[Swalecliffe88]

Hello I am so sorry you have had to reach out to us for support. We all joined this forum to do just that, not just to support each other but to offer that arm around the shoulder to people just starting their heart journeys. Any procedure really at the end of the day is a fifty, fifty bet regardless of any statistical odds they give you. As Marmite said surgeons have performance ratings the same as many professions and they would not offer surgery if they felt it inappropriate for the patient or themselves. Indeed I was presented to my surgeon for a quad by pass, with only a few weeks of life to spare and had I been 10 years older, he told me they would not have attempted it. And like you my daughter had to watch me for those 10 days in between before my surgery and cope with all those fears too. That was 8 years ago and for the last 7 of those I’ve been fighting fit. You can help him and influence his outcome so enormously by just being as positive around him as he is even if you feel crap yourself. I found this out when coping this year with my beautiful daughter having stage 4 breast cancer. She had that same fighting spirit she gave me, I had to present that back to her this time and oh boy I understand now how hard a task that is. But It works believe me she has just been told treatment worked and she is clear of this dreaded condition. You can be strong, you can do this and the outcome will be good. Take Care and talk to us whenever you need to SJX

[Czech_Mate]

Really sorry to read this, but see that you've already had some positive responses. It seems that your husband is a wonderful man. He is obviously going into this with the right attitude. Do try to take something from his positivity. Also as has been mentioned, do reach out, help is available.

We are with you.

[RufusScamp]

It's a neglected subject, but I think families of patients can suffer emotionally worse than the actual patient. Can your GP give you any help?

As others have suggested, try having a chat with the BHF nurses.

Your husband is definitely in the best place for him, and it sounds as if he will take good care of himself to give the best chance of recovery.

[Hidden]

Hello

I wish I could give you a big hug but I am sending you one

I could have cried for you reading your post and I am a patient and not a partner but I still know how is shocked my loved one's and how they worried till I came through my triple Bypass

They put their faith in the professionals though as your Husband is in good hands he really is and I hope you can believe that to

When we are so distraught everything starts entering our minds like all the what if's and what will I do etc but we have to put the brakes on as at the moment a lot of your worries have not happened and you have enough on your plate as we say so try and put those fears and worries on the back burner and tell yourself all I need to think about is ny Husband getting through this op and getting him home everything else in the grand scheme of things does not matter for now

I know it is your Husband going through this op and it was me to but my Husband as I had 3 heart attacks then told I had 2 years if I did not get this op done finally could not cope anymore and while we went through this bad patch he went to the Doctors and went on antidepressants which helped him get through and support me to he no longer takes or needs them but he did at the time

I wonder if you would benefit from speaking with your Doctor because we will try and do everything we can but they could maybe suggest meds to help you or organizations in your area to support you maybe some talking counselling even though that could be a wait but if you told them everything you have said in your post I am sure any good Doctor would do something to help you get through this

Take one day at a time and for today you have money , your Children are well and your Husband is having the best care he can get so that is quite a positive day today and leave tomorrow where it is and whatever it throws at you then you will deal with it but for now tomorrow is not here but today is stay focused on the here and now if you can

We are here to help and listen to you when you need to talk to someone x

[Heather1957]

I am presuming by BHI you mean Bristol Heart Institute?

In 2018 my brother had an Aortic heart rupture and at that time was living in Bristol. He was first taken to Southmead hospital and then blue lighted to the BHI where he was lucky enough to be referred to Professor Raimondo Ascione who ended up doing the surgery. My brother had also had a heart attack a few weeks before which he wasn't aware of.

The survival rate of the rupture my brother had is very low so he went into surgery with us all expecting the worse.

He survived surgery and was in a coma for 5 days.

He was 57 when this happened.

My brother is now very fit and well although on some medication and has moved to Devon and is very much enjoying life.

While he was in a coma I took shifts with his wife sitting with him and was very impressed with the staff (all) in the Institute, I had something to compare it to as only the year before I had a bypass in Cardiff, which was absolutely fine but the Institute is in another class.

Obviously anything can happen but he is in a place where the staff are more than capable of dealing with anything.

You sound totally overwhelmed by everything , you are worrying about things that haven't happened and may not happen.

All I would suggest is take one day at a time and one problem at a time, he will need support after the surgery, maybe look at any preparation you can do ready for him being discharged.

It is only natural to feel this way and I suspect your husband is worrying about the same things as you are.

Bypass surgery's are very commonplace in this day and age, it is still OHS and comes with some risks but he will be getting superb treatment at the BHI.

Take a few deep breaths and try and focus on the immediate future and take things one problem at a time.

We've nearly all been there and done that and survived to tell the tale!!

[Chickenlou]

Hi, I’m the partner of a heart patient (triple bypass 3 years ago.)

The waiting is SO hard and my partner didn’t have to stay in hospital between finding out he needed the bypass and actually having it, so I can imagine having your husband in hospital for so long before hand must make that worse. But he is in the best place with lots of medical staff around to monitor him.

I just took the whole thing one day at a time, my GP gave me beta blockers as I was struggling with anxiety in the beginning - I’d really recommend going to see your GP to see if they can do anything to help. Some days were good and some really hard, I carried on going to work everyday and I think this helped as it gave me some normality (I took 3 weeks off for the actual surgery.)

You really need to look after yourself too, even if it’s just a nice bath or a cup of coffee with a friend, you need time to try and relax a little, as I know your husband will be closely monitored whilst in hospital.

I also tried to focus on what I could do: prepare for what he would need whilst in hospital and what he would need once home, where I was going to stay whilst he is hospital (as it was not local to us) etc, having practical things to do really helped, as it felt like I could do “something.”

Please keep us updated on how you and your husband are doing and take care x

[Babyelephant-]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know exactly how you are feeling. Last year, May 5th, my husband went to hospital to the chest pain clinic. To cut a long story short, he spent the next three and a half months in hospital before having a quadruple bypass in another hospital over an hour away from home. During his time in hospital I was helping keep his business running, looking after our boys who were 16 and 14 and generally spending all my time dashing here and there! Didn’t miss a day of visiting him except when he got covid with the rest of the ward and no one was allowed in or out. Our eldest took his GCSE’s without his dad being around, he actually did brilliantly and we’re really proud of him. He had his leaving prom without his dad. It was so stressful but I did my very best to keep everything as normal as I could for everyone. I lost weight which is one of the only positives! And we made some friends that we're still in touch with now. My husbands bypass was also higher risk as he’d had a chest operation for Hodgkins Lymphoma 11 years ago and the scarring makes it a lot harder. It was an awful time but we made it through and you will too. Cry when you need to and shout! It is terrifying but it will be worth it. When the operation is done and your husband is home you will see him improving day by day.

Sending you lots of good wishes that this is soon behind you xx

[SJX130]

Thank you so much all of you from the bottom of my heart for your replies. Knowing I am not alone helps. This journey is the so difficult and stressful so I am trying to just take one day at a time. What lovely people you all are - thank you again xx