Miss my mom and have a hateful mother-in-law

[Missylluvv1]

My mom passed almost 3 years ago and she was a wonderful, helpful, incredible woman. I had a baby last year who is now 10 months old and she’s the best thing in my life. However, seeing my mother-in-law spend time with her kills me. I don’t care for my MIL anyway because she’s a rude, arrogant egoist. Now seeing her spend time with my baby every week when it SHOULD be my mom makes me so resentful. My husband doesn’t get it and thinks his mom can do no wrong. It’s so hard dealing with this and I hate that I have to watch this horrible woman smile and play with my daughter when my mom can’t be there. I feel so alone and I have no support.

How do I deal with this?

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello Missylluvv1 A very warm welcome to you.

I’m sorry to read about the loss of your dear Mom. Our Mom’s are so special and I completely understand that you are missing her and the loss of the relationship she would have had with your daughter {{{ hugs}}}.

You say your MIL is rude etc but as long as she isn’t that way towards your daughter and loves and cares for her, then maybe you could try to think another way, that your daughter needs all the love and support she can get in this life. This doesn’t mean you don’t still miss what should have been, because you are grieving. One day you’ll be so pleased you took that view.

In terms of support, we are always here for you. You may want to think about bereavement counselling so that you have that extra support too.

Take good care of yourself and message anytime at all 💜

Chloe

[Missylluvv1 in reply to chloe40]

Wow, I can say I honestly never thought about it like that. I read your response yesterday and cried...thank you for acknowledging my grief while also giving me a new way to think of my MIL. She’s so overbearing and intrusive and tried to take over my wedding planning that I have a lot of pent up hostility toward her. But you’re right, she isn’t that way with my daughter. And maybe my daughter does need all the love and support she can get in this life. Both of my parents are gone so they can’t be there for her. I really thought about that all day yesterday.

I also started looking into bereavement counseling again too. I used to go but stopped. I do realize I need it again, badly.

Thank you so much for your response. I haven’t felt that I can share my feelings with anyone and I’ve been struggling over the past few months. You have no idea how much you helped me. With just a few strokes of the keyboard, I feel like someone in thisworld understands me and validated me. Thank you, sincerely.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Missylluvv1]

You're so very welcome Missylluvv1 <3

I'm pleased I could be of help and please remember, you can always message here, our wonderful members are always ready to support you and they have been through or going through grief themselves.

Always here for you

Chloe <3

[Caza]

I totally agree with Chloe. Your M-I-L can’t take your mums place in your heart but could be a friend to you & a great grandmother. Don’t make your husband feel guilty or take sides. I feel your pain & understand your grief. Take care x

[Missylluvv1 in reply to Caza]

I’m trying to look at my MIL differently. I don’t think that we’ll ever be friends but I can at least acknowledge that she’s good with my daughter. It’s very frustrating how my husband doesn’t acknowledge any of her negative behavior...this has been an ongoing problem even before my mom passed away. It’s something we continue to fight about. But I’ll just try to look at her more through the lens of a good grandmother, not a good mother-in-law. Thank you for responding as well.

[GoGo_JoJo]

Chloe has put it so well, I wish you luck. It is so hard to deal with resentment in these circumstances.

Celebrate what you did have with your Mom. I've lost mine but she was not a good mum by any means and I resent the fact that she couldn't be the woman she should have (and pretended to be). I wish we could have had more, better in the time that we had. I have some wonderful older friends who love me like my mum should have, but never did. I've lost my Dad too whom my mum kept away from me through her inability to share and her jealousy.

Better in this case to have known and had such a wonderful presence in your life. You will have many lovely stories to tell your daughter in the coming years. 💖