Too much again

[Papapickle]

I write this while at work.

Here’s the thing.

I have accepted that I cannot do all the things that I used to, that things are different now. That’s ok - I can still do the same things just at a much slower pace. To try and do it all at once is just making me ill - time and time again.

I think about the spoonie theory and that makes sense and I can relate.

What I am struggling to do is balance what I need to do for my family through work and what I can actually do without striking a bad balance.

I am fortunate beyond belief my wife understands , accepting me for all that I am since the changes. But I want to provide for our family and my job does just that.

It’s the hours. At the moment full time is just making me sick. At the end of my first full week without appointments, days off, days at home working I am starting to flare again.

My ulcers are bad, I am noticeably struggling to walk and I just feel like I need to slow down right down in my hours at work.

But if I do my salary will eventually drop, our way of life much less than it is now and a fear of never returning to that full time space.

I don’t know quite what to do and I don’t quite know how to do it. My wife will support me and my decisions whatever I choose for the best but I can’t shake the feeling I must continue for us.

How do I even begin to ease back?

C

[Papapickle]

To top it off I am in line for promotion but cannot see how on Earth I could reliably abs realistically do it.

[Legomum in reply to Papapickle]

I used to work full time. I cut down to work 2.5 days per week. I found a friend to be accountable to: one who would ask are you well enough to be at work today? Etc

[Minnskimoo in reply to Legomum]

Me too, Legomum. Something, for me, had to give.

At the moment 2.5 days has taken its toll!

[Legomum]

You change your thinking before your actions. What is the ideal life you imagined; for you as a husband and father? What does it really look like? And is that truly your view, or one that was given to you or created by others as you grew up or developed your career, or is it what society says you should have or be? When are you happiest? Is it during down time and holidays? What drives you? Often it is not the pay packet but how it goes, where we spend it that matters. Everyone needs shelter and security and food, but I know families who are “happy” living crowded in to a 2 bedroom flat and families who are miserable in 6 bedroom mansions. Those who have a bucket and spade on a beach in Brighton for a holiday and those who fly first class to Barbados. Neither equates happiness but what value you choose to give to it. Far too many people fill their lives doing stuff that has no purpose or brings no joy. So take a step back and prioritise what what matters to you, and to your loved ones. If it is being healthy and available then invest in that. Ask for reduced hours as anyone in UK has the right to request “flexible working”. Find out your rights on leave and sick leave and as you are classed as having a “disability” if you have a long term condition such as diabetes or arthritis or Behçet’s vasculitis. Speak to your occupational health dept about what adjustments could help, ranging from your working hours to physical environment changes to providing free counselling. Most employers want to keep their employees once appointed and trained up so you are valuable to retain. Connect with others who have made positive changes and find out how. Communicate lots and esp with your other half. I am sure she would choose the healthy you over the “financially poorer” you but start the conversation and keep it going. Good luck!

[Papapickle in reply to Legomum]

Amazing advice.

Cannot thank you enough.

Take care

C

[Minnskimoo in reply to Legomum]

What a fab response 😍

[Papapickle in reply to Legomum]

Update: came home early, set up working from home for next week and now about to soak in the bath. #advicetaken

[Minnskimoo in reply to Papapickle]

Yey! Well done to you! 🥳

[SCMW]

Hi, I’m in a similar position to you. Future development available to senior level. Reasonable job level held as a professional. Frustrated my body doesn’t keep up with me. The clinical psychologist pointed out two things to me, so simple, firstly, ask for help - what you need. Secondly, start to add - what you want. Through another route, CBT, the therapist is pointed out when I first saw them, I was ‘existential’, just existing. I thought I was doing ok, but really all I was doing was working full time with nothing left. Again a simple statement, if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything. Everything else isn’t worth anything unless you are well enough to enjoy it. Me actually trying to carry on, I realise now, impacts your partner because you are not at your best. It’s about comfortably working within your parameters, rather than being stretched all the time. I’m going to go part time as a result of this evaluation. Allow yourself some time to work out what’s best for you & explore all the support options available. Best wishes

[Papapickle in reply to SCMW]

Thanks SCMW.

I have slowed down work wise. I worked a full week in the office last week and it just wrecked me.

This week I have split my week down to work from home which is great as it eliminates the travel time.

That said I had a very nasty flare of the TN on tues night and had to take a significant dose of pain meds to get it under control. Have been drowsy since. Slept all day yesterday and despite trying this morning I had to admit defeat and log off.

I agree it’s really important to not stretch yourself, I have been trying to ignore and plough through this condition and I consistently pay the price. I think if I do obtain promotion it will have to be on my terms and with allowances for me to be at my best all round.

I am truly done trying to keep up and pretend I am not suffering. It just is all so pointless to do and means I miss out on the support and assistance that is available.

Time will tell, but self care is my main goal now.

Take care

C