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Pain at Penetration

For two years now, I have had an active sex life with my girlfriend however over the last 3-4 months we've been unable to have sex because she has developed an issue at penetration

Our activities progress as they normally would however upon penetration she has severe pain and therefore brings it to an end. I am totally understanding in this situation but want to help her find out the problem and sort it for her

Her doctor provided lubrication to try and even a visit to the local clinic has wielded a clear bill of health. I know she has been referred to a gynaecologist however that will take another 4 months to get an appointment. Other than change the type of 'Pill' she has been taking, I wondered if anybody had an idea about what might be causing this issue


3 Replies

Dear therantingscotsman,

It sounds like your partner is suffering from vestibulodynia which is essentially a hypersensitivity of nerves in the vaginal area possibly with vaginismus (muscle spasms). This can often be made worse by anxiety and anticipation of pain from previous experiences.

It's probably worth asking her GP to refer for psychosexual counselling which can offer techniques to try and overcome the problem. The Vulval Pain Society website explains the condition and offer some suggestions which may help.

The lube is a good idea, but one with a local anaesthetic often sold as 'delay' for men may help. Also would recommend avoiding trying penetration for a while. Focus on foreplay, oral sex and gentle introduction of fingers. As time goes on, try and increase the penetrative aspects but go back a step if the pain returns. Some people find vaginal dilators helpful. Essentially a 'Russian doll' type dildo with increases sizes, the aim is to gradually get used to penetration.

Lots of reassurance and communication as a couple is an important part of managing this problem.

Kind regards.


Hi, I have suffered this for a number of years now and exhaustive investigation has not resolved it. All that is, except gentleness and accepting limitations. I am so glaad you are understanding. My hub is too. I had two yrs of counselling to get over the 'mental' issues side of things, got the dilators and some lidocaine anesthetic gel. Be careful, dont try to walk before you can run. I used the gel to numb and then the dilators. Got a bit too enthusiastic cos the gel made me totally numb, used the largest dilator and it felt ok, trouble is when the gel wore off I had terible pain and cramps. Full arousal, take your time, maybe your gf could have a nice hot bath with some scented candles in the b room, relaxation, (counselling helped with this) and her knowledge that if she does not feel ready then it will not go tha far.

There is a terrible pressure i my head ll the time about not being a 'full' partner, letting oh down, feling useless as a woman.

Imagine if it was yoruself who could not perform, ask yourself how you would feel.

There is much help out there for male sexual disfunction, not so much for females.

Sensate focus therapy and creams and dilators but not much on the investagative side.

I went to a psychosexual counsellor three yrs ago and her words are still ringing on my ears.

"If you don't want sex with yoru husband why dont you go and have an affair"

Yes, she actually said that. It might be a though, for you to try couples therapy.

My oh is actually a counsellor and treats couples so he maybe has an understanding beyond a logt of men so I am lucky.


its not your gf who has a problem its your dick


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