Given my boyfriend herpes

[racha11]

20 and my boyfriend is 25 I’ve had herpes for about 2 years - I’ve only had the first outbreak and then a small one about 6 months later- so for about a year and a half I’ve not experienced anything and hardly thought of it. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 months now with the most caring sweetest guy I’ve ever met and he honestly thinks the world of me, but today he asked me what does this look like to you and showed me a sore on his penis and my world just crashed. Out of panic I just said I’m not sure you should probably go and get it looked at. I just can’t bare to tell him that I gave this horrible thing to him and I knew I had it and didn’t tell him in case he never talks to me ever again. Please help what do I do. If I tell him I already know that he will just leave because we’re only young and he will have never experienced this type of conversation before. Also, there is only one sore and it sort of looks like a cut. What if it’s not an outbreak and sort of just a friction burn of some sort, and then I tell him that it could have been herpes and I’ve nearly knowingly given him it? I’m at a loss either way and I’m not sure which is worse

[Kt_5991]

Really it should have been spoken about when you first got together just out of respect. I had to tell my boyfriend and it was the most horrible thing ever but he accepted it! I guess now if it does turn out he’s got it you can always say that you’ll get checked out and say you’ve got it too but just mention how some people don’t get symptoms so it’s not entirely your fault as you didn’t know? He’ll be told all about it if it is herpes, but keep calm with him that’s all you can do! Good luck x

[racha11 in reply to Kt_5991]

I just don’t want to find myself in a web of lies but also don’t want to lose him. I think the best option may be to have a blood test and tell him my results came back positive but I didn’t know .. this is horrid I am not a liar but not sure what else to do

[Sweetharmony403 in reply to racha11]

I’m in your same situation, I wanted to tell him from the beginning but he’s not my bad it was random sexy now I’m pregnant. Not sure how to go about it. The people I’ve confided in said tell him now but act like I just found out 😔 I’m a horrible liar tho

[markh57]

I've been in a similar situation. I caught Herpes and didn't immediately realise what it was. My outbreaks were mild and infrequent. At the third outbreak I got it swabbed and the result came back negative so I never had a proper diagnosis. The symptoms were so trivial I pretty much forgot about it and like you failed to discuss it with my new girlfriend. 3-4 months into our relationship she got a Herpes outbreak and it was a bad one. I hadn't even realised i had an outbreak, but tbh I wasn't looking for the outbreak either.

I confessed that it was likely from me immediately. Unfortunately unlike me her symptoms were severe and outbreaks frequent. Our relationship limped on for a few months but she never forgave me. We parted company a few months later and I feel that the Herpes and my failure to to discuss it with her was a major contributing factor to the break up. it's a matter of great regret for me.

I'm not sure I'm the best to advise but here goes:

You could try lying but unless your boyfriend has been having sex elsewhere he's not likely to believe you and that would really destroy any trust between you.

I think you have to make a clean breast of it and hope for forgiveness. You didn't give it to him deliberately but you are guilty of not taking it seriously enough, as I didn't. With luck he will only get mild symptoms with infrequent outbreaks. If so although he will be shocked to start with he will decide it's no big deal and will appreciate your sorrow and honesty. It will be more difficult for him to forgive if he gets frequent bad outbreaks it will be more difficult for him to forgive you.

Best of luck to you x

[racha11 in reply to markh57]

Thank you so much. That’s really very helpful and I appreciate your advice x

[markh57 in reply to racha11]

You're welcome. For what its worth my impression from my own experience and from this forum is that guys tend to get milder less frequent outbreaks than girls, so he may be able to just shrug it off. I only get an out break every 5-6months and they are very mild.

I'm paranoid that i will fail to notice an outbreak and infect somone else. so I have to check myself over thoroughly if im expecting to have sex. I've also made a point of having the awkward conversation with subsequent partners before the clothes come off.

[Charalou]

You should tell him it’s not really fair leaving someone in the dark like that especially when things like this spread. Should have been using contraception to be honest if you have only been together 4 months.

[markh57 in reply to Charalou]

I would agree with you Charalou that its right to have an honest and full conversation about this. However if by contraception you mean condoms, this is a mistake. Condoms are great for preventing transmission of many STIs but not so much for Herpes. They only reduce the transmission rate by 30%. I picked up my Herpes despite using a condom every time.

Of course for racha11 if her boyfriend sticks with her, which I think he might, there is one advantage. They both have the same type of Herpes so cant infect one another again.

[saj01]

Oh dear... it's best you both go to your GU clinic and get tested then if he has got it then you will know which type of virus it is. The best thing is always honesty. If it really didn't cross your mind because you never had any further outbreaks, then maybe he will understand that. If this is his first outbreak then they may be able to give him some meds to knock it out??? it may or may not work. To be frank... when anyone has unprotected sex with a new partner... there is always a risk of std's... As you don't have symptoms, that doesn't mean you don't shed cells... and not many people are aware of that. Maybe that's what happened

It's not the end of the world, although it might feel like it right now. I've had partners walk away because of it... but I guess they really didn't love me.

Learn all you can about the virus and how to have a happy and healthy sex life despite it.

I found this website quite enlightening. hva.org.uk

Take care x

[JULIE1313]

You should have told him about it before any sexual contact happens. But now he developed a sore better yet not to tell him that you have. Once it was confirmed that he has herpes then tell him you do not know that you have it for a long time. Just an oponion of mine.

[Bm123]

Hello i would tell him that u do have it. I didnt tell my wife at first and that was wrong u have to give ur pattner the choice, i hope all well becomes of this. Say the roles were reverse, how would u feel ?

[Yeesshee6]

I have been in the exact situation as you. When I was first diagnosed I marginalised myself from males, taking advice from 'friends' who had no idea what I was going through. I've taken several different approaches. The key is to make sure that you know enough about your condition to provide detailed information to your partner. I brought it up casually with one partner before we even had sex and although he didn't judge me he told me we had to stay friends because he didn't want to risk it. Of course that was a massive confidence knock. After that I didn't let myself get close to anyone physically or even communicate with a guy for around 4 months. I focused on improving my diet, eating healthily and avoiding alcohol.

Since then I haven't had a single breakout. I had sex 5 months after and I wore a condom (I only wear condoms now). I didn't tell the guy. It was casual sex but I checked myself throughouly to ensure I was clear. After we had sex even if for him it was just a casual thing and it was for me too, I would still stay in contact for around 2 weeks to ensure he was okay.

I've had a lot of casual protected sex since and I haven't told a lot of the guys. Some may say I am wrong and bad to do this. There is still a risk of course, but I know I am in good health and regularly check myself. When I was first diagnosed, I was even told my a health practitioner on a level that herpes is extremely common. Most people already have the virus it is just extremely stigmatized. Most people will never even have symptoms so unlike Hiv which is life threatening, so even though you should inform your partner if you don't

[Yeesshee6]

(Sorry I pressed reply by accident )

It's not the worst thing in the world.

Having said this I have been in a relationship with someone, for the couple weeks we had sex and I made him wear a condom even when REALLY didn't want to. Eventually he kept hassling me as to why he had to wear one, it was hard but eventually I just told him that I had herpes and that I was trying to protect him. He was absolutely fine with it maybe because we'd already had protected sex and he had surpassed the onset period (unless he already had the virus). But tbf even with a condom the chance of transmission is extremely low. Anyway we ended up staying with each other and he was completely accepting. Had I had told him the first night we were going to have sex, I feel like I may have been rejected and judged. I feel like the mental aspect of this condition is far worse than the physical.

My condition has had me fall into depression, having to see a therapist. So now I just have to put my feelings first. But there are far worse things you could have, cancer, AIDS etc.

This isn't life threatening and after nearly a year of diagnosis I finally accept myself.

I'm at uni now so I practice safe sex, but I've only told one guy at uni and we didn't end up having sex. Some students can be cruel and to avoid bullying and a name for myself I haven't told a person I'd ended up having sex with. Only my sister's and my closest friends from back home now. The 2 guys I have told about it are now really good friends Who are supportive.

If I meet someone I really like, I plan to hold off sex until I am so comfortable with them then telling them will feel like no issue.

My point for you is don't beat yourself up about not telling him. It's done now. I would just tell him that you may have the virus from a previous partner as you don't always know if you have it, and sometimes it may choose to lay dormant.

Good luck and I hope this helps any one.

You're not a bad person !!!!

[Dx67]

I'm in the same situation. What did you do? I have been seeing this guy for almost 2 months and he called saying he noticed red bumps on his tip. He asked and ( I had just woken up from his call) panicked and said no, but I feel like I should tell him before he goes an gets it checked out. . What should I do? Im so scared because we get along so well and i already lied like an idiot..

[Imogen5]

Hi rach, I know this problem all too well. I got it off someone I had sex with who didn’t tell me and had an active outbreak and I was SO angry. There is such a stigma about it too that I literally avoided men for at least a year and was so affected by my first outbreaks and the ones frequently following it that I’ve ALWAYS stayed on surpressive medication since when I’ve found it impossible to bring up with a partner. I’ve never had an outbreak when taking valaclovir daily, so if you’re going to not tell the other person you really have to protect them by doing that if you can’t bring yourself to have the conversation. It’s the only way you can protect them and the relationship while also protecting your integrity. And it’s the only way to keep it confidential if you’ve decided that you have no other choice. Taking a tablet every day has been the easiest thing for me - I can’t always face the judgement or even the situation. So I have to make 100% sure there is no outbreak and the antiviral surpressive therapy is the best insurance policy for everyone when you are in the situation where you’re having regular unprotected sexy with someone. Make sure you get on to it for your own good anyway and stay on it to prevent future outbreaks whatever happens here, so you can have the freedom to be in a relationship without having to be in this situation again