Rejection Sensitivity

[ZM1980]

Hi everyone, I'm new here (first post). I was diagnosed with ASD in 2021, after lifelong issues around socialising/social anxiety, Generalised Anxiety Disorder and depression.

The diagnosis didn't come as a shock to me, as I had suspected for quite a while that I may be Autistic - however, I found there to be a lack of post-diagnostic support and so I've mainly just been researching information online, reading about other's experiences etc.

I have had quite a bit of therapy in the past (psychotherapy, CBT, Psychotherapy group, Drama and Music therapy), but that was all over 10 years ago and more recently I have had counselling. I have found the different types of therapy helpful in different ways, but I still struggle a lot with the social side of things and find I just seem to be able to initiate conversations with people I know, but it doesn't go any further - ie unable to form friendships. It's as if I'm not quite sure how to, but I do feel there is also a strong, almost pathological, fear of rejection, which is preventing me from actually doing a lot of what I want to do in life.

At times I won't even contact/text family members, as I think they won't want to hear from me and quite often even hesitate to post online or reply to someone's post, for fear of saying the 'wrong' thing or being disliked - which for me would mean rejection. I am aware of the irony - it took me a very long time to compose this post!

Even when my friend (whom I've known for over 10 years) texted and suggested meeting up, I still had a lot of anxiety around being the one to contact them and follow up the conversation, as I worry they may not want to meet up and that would mean I'm being rejected. I keep telling myself that 'I will do this/do that/contact this person and say this/that' but it never happens because of the fear that others don't want to hear from me/see me/wouldn't want to get to know me. I do have a few health issues so that also factors into the anxiety.

I do value spending time alone and find I am quite happy to do so, but I have been feeling very isolated at times - especially with not being in work at the moment.

I have read about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and was wondering if this is what I'm dealing with - even with face to face conversations, the other person might say something which I perceive to be a rejection and I'll feel sort of 'hurt'. I have told myself this isn't true, to just remain calm and say what I need to say/listen to the other person, but it doesn't always work.

I would be interested to know about other's experiences with this (RSD) and what you found has helped? Also, how is it diagnosed? Would appreciate any information and advice.

I know this is quite long, so thank you for reading this far! 🙂

[catmummy3]

This sounds so similar to me I've always had bad anxiety and depression always panic in social situations so i ended up always staying home because every time id leave the house it was very overwhelming i ended up contacting my doctor who put me on antidepressants then started cbt therapy which i had for a few months but that didn't really help she asked me if i was autistic because i show signs i said no but i had an assessment and turns out i do tbh it wasn't a shock it made alot of sense but now my mental health has got the better of me i dont leave the house i live with family who support me i dont go anywhere i panic when family come round i have one friend who comes and sees me when shes not busy with her own life i feel very lonely alot of the time but i cant win because i isolate myself because that makes me feel better being alone with peace and quiet ive just turned 27 and i find it so difficult to imagine a happy future

[ZM1980 in reply to catmummy3]

It's difficult, isn't it? Even with CBT and medication, it might help to an extent, but the underlying social anxiety/fear of rejection seems to persist. I'm 43 and living only with my mother. Brothers and Sister come to visit now and again or I/we go to see them. I do a lot around the house and help my mother with things like going online/online shopping, speaking to the GP, going to hospital appointments etc, so I'm sort of independent in that sense, but because of the social anxiety (and probably too used to being alone) I would be extremely reluctant to eg meet someone and move in with them/move in with a friend. Although it is something I think about quite often.

I will say that when I was younger (early - mid 20s) I did struggle more with leaving the house and had more anxiety (and sometimes panic attacks) around things like going to hospital appointments, socialising, job interviews etc as I was very shy, but this has improved as I have got older and with the different types of therapy I've had - although I still find the friendship thing difficult.

I mainly socialise with my sister, as we get along quite well and have 2 friends who I don't really see, but mainly keep in contact with by text/messaging. I do believe things can improve with the right help, although it can be a slow process. Have you looked into other types of therapy?

[catmummy3 in reply to ZM1980]

I see what you mean it’s definitely difficult the social and getting out there I don’t see me moving out living alone or with a friend or even finding a partner it’s weird I feel like i wouldn’t be able to cope that it would be too much and people wouldn’t understand me I’ve spoke to my doctor again and they’ve upped my antidepressants and im going to try more therapy just waiting for a call to see what might be best for me

[ZM1980 in reply to catmummy3]

I feel exactly the same about the prospect of moving out and living with a partner/friend - that actually living with them, they won't truly understand or 'get' me. I do think that a big part of the anxiety around it is because of past traumas/experiences around socialising and the feeling of not being understood or truly accepted back then (school, early adulthood).

Being in a Psychotherapy group years ago definitely helped me to understand more about others and to speak up more, so it was beneficial in that sense. Counselling can also be helpful in learning to understand more about yourself and how you interact with others - I'm thinking of going back to do more work around the Rejection Sensitivity issues.

Your GP should hopefully have some suggestions about different types of therapy available and be able to refer you for something suitable or if not, your local mental health services will, as they usually have better access to therapies.