help with toddler meltdown

[Bluebear12]

my son is 3 years old and hasn’t long be diagnosed being autistic they are saying he is at the social age of 1year old. He can be very horrible when he has his meltdowns he bites kicks pinches slaps me. I feel so emotional at times because he makes me feel like I’m a failure I try keep him calm I keep saying gentle hands no hurting mummy but nothing is working sometimes even when he’s not having a meltdown he will just randomly come and hurt me and find it funny and smirk I’m really struggling I just want to cry all the time

[NotJim]

Hi Bluebear12,

I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. That sounds like a lot you’re coping with, and must be exhausting.

If you son really is at the emotional stage of a 1 year old, it may be that he can’t fully understand the consequences of his actions when he’s hitting. This doesn’t make it any more acceptable, not at all, but it might partly be why he continues to do it. If he hasn’t long been diagnosed, and because he’s still so young, there may be lots about his autism that is still being discovered, including how much he can read and understand emotions in others.

He might not be able to look at your face, listen to your tone of voice and then understand that you are upset when you tell him to stop.

As for the randomly coming to find you and hurt you, it might be his way of experimenting with emotional responses to see what happens. It seems very mean, but again, he’s extremely young and might be learning the connection between actions, the emotional affect they have on others and how he should be responding to them.

This is all an educated guess on my part, (I myself have high-functioning ASD), but of course doesn’t make it any easier on you. It sounds really emotionally draining, and I can only imagine how much your patience and kindness is being tested to the limits.

Do you have anyone around you who you trust, and who you can talk to face to face about this? When you’re a parent struggling with a young child, I imagine it could feel very isolating. However, having a chat with people who also have very young children with autism might help you could some advice, and shared support.

There are a lot of different resources available for parents…

The National Autistic Society run their “Early Bird” program, which is about parents with children under 5 with autism. “The programme aims to support parents in the period between diagnosis and school placement, empowering and helping them facilitate their child's social communication and behaviour in their natural environment. It also helps parents to establish good practice in supporting their child at an early age.”

autism.org.uk/what-we-do/su...

There is also the UK Autism Spectrum Parents Support Group - facebook.com/groups/ukaspsg/ They describe themselves as “A group for anyone in the UK who is parenting an autistic child, supporting an autistic person, or is autistic themselves. We aim to provide a safe and friendly environment to share positive, autistic-led, and autism positive information.”

There is also a public Autism Parents Support Group on Facebook, where parents share their experiences and give peer support and advice.

facebook.com/groups/autismp...

There’s also a list of charity organisations who work with parents and autistic children here which could be worth exploring. wellchild.org.uk/get-suppor...

And of course you could have a chat with your local GP to see what services and support are available locally to you. They might be able to help you find something specific to your sons age, and that can help support you as much as him.

I hope this can be of some help. Reaching out for support is a really good step, and honestly a courageous one too, because some folks feel they should just manage, and know everything when in truth everyone’s so often making it up as they go the best they can! I wish I could pass you a box of tissues if you feel like you’re crying (passes virtual tissue). It’s so tough, but the relationship you have with your son will evolve and change as he grows, and as you both get to know each other. I don’t think there’s any one straight path, but it will be a path unique to you and your boy.

Sending you all the best. And I hope you can feel better soon.