autism at adulthood

[KingKittycat]

I want to date soon but I am dealing with self-hate. I want to discourage myself when I make mistakes. Any advice?

[NotJim]

Hi KingKittycat,

Nice to meet you.

Self-hate is a struggle, for sure.

I've found from my experience that it can help to be patient and gentle with yourself.

Every single person in the world makes mistakes, so that means we've all got that in common. Sure, some people seem to have a great handle on things, and look like they know what they're doing but that's only surface level. We can't know what's going on underneath. Every single person in the world is also living their own personal journey; trying to figure things out, dealing with challenges, feeling insecure about things, finding things really hard or scared, and no one might ever know. Some are just better at appearing like they know what they're doing than others. Like ducks, things can look calm on the surface when actually underneath the water there's a lot of frantic paddling going on!

The thing is it's easy to compare ourselves to sorts of people or the world's standards and feel bad about ourselves because it seems we're not living up to them. This can make us feel disappointed with who we are, and this means it's a lot harder to be compassionate with ourselves.

I've found we can set a standard in our mind of what we *ought* to do/be/achieve, how we *should* be able to cope, and so on. But actually, the Shoulds and Oughts we tell ourselves aren't always reasonable. Instead, they hold us to account like a really harsh school teacher - "You *should* be able to manage this." "You *ought* to have got it together by now". And although they sound like they're *ought* to make sense, these aren't actually helping us, or doing our mental health any favours.

So with that in mind, I think it can be helpful to remember that there is nothing wrong with how you function as an individual, and where you're at personally. If you find certain things challenge you, for example, that's ok. Everyone moves at their own pace in life, and it's important you can allow yourself to move at a pace that's comfortable to you. Sometimes life will ask us to step out of our comfort zones, and it's good to take a leap. What can help us is if we're willing to still be kind to ourselves, even if that leap doesn't work out the way you hoped it would.

Imagine you were helping out a kid or training a puppy (or nice animal of your choice!); if it made a mistake, we wouldn't say, "I'm so disappointed in you. I can't like you when you do this. You should be doing better", because how would that kid/puppy/animal feel? Probably pretty miserable, and they'd find it a lot harder learning anything more, because they'd be afraid of not wanting to make MORE mistakes.

And this can be the same with how we talk to ourselves as well. If we berate ourselves for every mistake, it heaps on stress, can lead us into low moods, and also adds more pressure to perform right the next time. The more stressed we are about performing "right" the next time, the more worry there is, and the more likely it is we make a mistake because we're all wound up. And so the unhappy cycle goes on.

If we're afraid to make mistakes, it makes life feel like treading on egg shells; living in fear of something going wrong, blaming and criticising ourselves when something does, making ourselves thing we are under-performing and failing until we end up feeling that we make these mistakes BECAUSE of who we are - this under-performing failure - which just isn't true, or fair.

It becomes this negative cycle. And yep, it can be tricky to get out of, and it may well take some time, but with time things can change for the better. (i've found this to be true, honest).

So back to the kid/puppy/animal of your choice(!), if it messed something up, we'd be patient, allow to accept that hey, it didn't work out this time around, but never mind. Things happen, but it's not the end of the world.

Being patient with ourselves, and speaking kindly is much better for our mental health than harsh criticism. If something goes wrong and you feel disappointed, it can help to take a moment, breathe, it's okay. The negative thoughts might want to jump in straight away so it's good to pause first. Think about how you're feeling, and try to kindly, gently accept that while whatever it was didn't turn out how you hoped, it's alright. You've given it a shot, that's cool. You can try again if you want another day. And now, let's carry on with the day.

Sometimes we have to challenge that negative voice in our minds, and that takes a bit of courage. It might even say right now, "you don't have the courage to do that" but again, that's just the negative voice talking. The positive voice we do have inside ourselves has stuff worth listening to, it just needs the chance and space to say it.

It can take some time, it's like teaching your mind a new habit. And sure, some days the negative voice with the "shoulds" and "oughts" might get the upper hand, but that's par for the course with any mental health journey. And hopefully, the more you practice saying something nicer to yourself, the easier it will become.

I do hope this can help in some way, and that you can feel a bit better about yourself.

Also hope the forays into dating can go well for you. It's certainly a lot easier to love others when you also have a loving relationship with yourself. It's a very brave, adventurous step, so that's definitely something to feel proud of! (Another thing that can help our self-esteem is just allowing yourself to feel a bit pleased with what you're doing )(even reaching out for advice on this website, it's a really good thing! I can only hope my ramblings have been worth it(!))

All the best

[KingKittycat in reply to NotJim]

Thank you for your well-thought out message. I really did help me. Thank you again.