Autistic Happiness

[venusofthenorth]

I was diagnosed with atypical autism when I was 16. I've always had issues with other people and since I was a teenager I've remained moody and prone to depression. I feel like these are natural feelings in a person who's been bullied her entire life, poor compared to Swedish classmates and unemployed for the last four years. So far I've made it by disregarding everything that isn't pulling me forward, my mood and my feelings included, which sure enough made it worse for a while but still got me going to whatever job I had and kept me out of bed. I've been thinking a lot about what health and wellbeing means and why it matters. Technically speaking the biggest issue I have with my moodiness is that I'm occasionally less than enthusiastic having people around. I feel like people concern themselves to greater extent being able to ignore my feelings rather than honestly wanting me to feel better. And even if I did feel better or got happier, I feel like people wouldn't approve of things that make me happy, like people wouldn't support or understand what happiness means to me and that they wouldn't value my happiness even if I found it. I feel like there's no point to being happy if it's not particularly important to anyone.

[Hidden]

You matter and we are here to support you - hope you find this site useful

[Hidden]

You have to realise you are the most important thing and not other people. Decide what you want from people and get it. Your rights matter.

[venusofthenorth in reply to Hidden]

With all du respect, you're wrong.

[Hidden in reply to venusofthenorth]

You can encourage and love and support people like your parents and best friend but you must look after yourself

[venusofthenorth in reply to Hidden]

Why?

[Aspen797 in reply to venusofthenorth]

If you were truly happy being unhappy/moody you would not have bothered to think so much and so deeply about the issue. Because you are posting about it, your unhappiness/moodiness is having some unwanted effect on you. If you want to feel happier/ less moody, no one can do that for you. That is why it is advised that you need to do the hard work of looking deeply at yourself, caring enough about yourself to take steps to make yourself happy for you. Suggest looking at John Kabbat Zinn books on mindfulness.

[venusofthenorth in reply to Aspen797]

Why?

[Aspen797 in reply to venusofthenorth]

Why not? You are trying to say that the only reason to work on yourself is to make others happy and others are not truly concerned with your happiness or what that might look like. However the fact you wrote at all shows it's not them, it is you. You are bothered enough to talk about this. You are affected. Otherwise you'd contentenedly go on being unhappy. Doing the work, if you choose to, is not for some outward manifestation to appease others. That's what you said got you in this space. It's to satisfy the part of you that is on forums like this asking these questions. There is no logical response beyond this.

[venusofthenorth in reply to Aspen797]

I have a very long list of grievances against myself, but being an arsehole isn't one of them. My individual happiness and my individual accomplishments bears no significance outside the context in which other people get to experience them. I'm content being unhappy so long as I am doing things on a regular basis to make up for my lack of character. What I'm attempting to have a constructive discussion about is how my inner workings correlate with others. You see, there are other people around and I don't consider it necessary to bother them if it can be avoided. My confusion here is how my "mood" or "personality" or "possible depression" affects people who otherwise view me as a tool rather than a person of concern.

[ncrbrts]

"Technically speaking the biggest issue I have with my moodiness is that I'm occasionally less than enthusiastic having people around"

Join the club. If you really don't want them around, don't have them around. The ones who are worth anything will respect this.

"And even if I did feel better or got happier, I feel like people wouldn't approve of things that make me happy, like people wouldn't support or understand what happiness means to me and that they wouldn't value my happiness even if I found it."

And why do you care what people think, or whether they would support or value your happiness? You've established that you dont want them around so if their presence is negligible, surely their opinion of you is too?

"I feel like there's no point to being happy if it's not particularly important to anyone."

This is an overall confusing post, but this is the most confusing statement of all. The only happiness that is important to people is their own happiness - this is what everyone is ultimately pursuing. Your happiness will be important to no one except you. And it will be important to you, even if you insist that it is not, because your base impulses are to move toward pleasure and away from pain.

[venusofthenorth in reply to ncrbrts]

I have a very long list of grievances against myself, being an arsehole isn't one of them. Nobody can ever simply disregard other people as a whole, because given most of our habits, routines and the very conditions of our lives, we depend on other people. Even if people fail to consider me with compassion or honest concern, I consider people in general to be important because as a lot of other people here, I realize myself to rely on them. No matter the cost to myself I'd much rather adapt in a functional manner to the system everybody else established for themselves. I don't consider it necessary to bother anybody if it can be avoided and it appears some of my moodiness, tendency to brood, asocial tendencies and occasionally aggravating personality is doing just that.

[ncrbrts in reply to venusofthenorth]

Indeed - no man is an island - but it would seem that your relation to others is transactional rather than born from love. You "rely" on them as you say, what do you offer in return? What we see in others is a reflection of ourselves - perhaps this is the reason you see no compassion or honest concern, or do not interpret others' actions to be reflective of these.

I'm not saying you are neither compassionate nor imbued with honest concern, but sometimes us autists display these differently and don't recognise the same traits in NTs.

"I don't consider it necessary to bother anybody if it can be avoided and it appears some of my moodiness, tendency to brood, asocial tendencies and occasionally aggravating personality is doing just that."

This is a recognisable train of thought. When I have very similar thoughts to these, I tend to avoid all until they go away - to save others from my moods. Then someone said - how do you know you're bothering us, we never said it and you never asked? And then they told me to stop assuming what other people were thinking because it's rarely accurate.

Besides, why should you mould to fit a system that is built to exclude you rather than work to change the system to become more inclusive?

[venusofthenorth in reply to ncrbrts]

First of all, I live in Sweden. Swedish people are very quiet about a very long list of things. Just because something isn't said aloud here doesn't make it untrue or non-existent. Second of all, while I recognize the system to be elitist, I also recognize that it's as inclusive as it can be given most people aren't autistic. I accept myself to be in a minority position in more ways than one and so I'm acting at the mercy of the system from which I'm operating. The Nordic establishment was founded for Nordic people and their friends and I'm in no position to change it just because I personally don't like it.

[ncrbrts in reply to venusofthenorth]

"Swedish people are very quiet about a very long list of things. Just because something isn't said aloud here doesn't make it untrue or non-existent."

I accept your point about cultural difference; however, I am from the West of Scotland. Not only are we brought up not to express ourselves, but we are punished if we do. The land of the repressed, indeed. I spend a great deal of my life trying to guess and then assuming from what is not said aloud.

But if it is not said aloud, there are other communicative hooks (in which I am barely literate) otherwise no communication is taking place - and if that is the case then what is being not-said really is non-existent, because it is not brought into the intersubjective sphere. Until they get there (via language of some kind) the private thoughts of others cannot be proven to exist. So why care?

"I accept myself to be in a minority position in more ways than one"

And you seem to revel in it.

"I'm in no position to change it just because I personally don't like it."

This is a fair point if you say you dont like it because - I dunno - it suits you to be misanthropic. If you dont like it because you recognise an injustice, or it makes you feel miserable then this is not a fair point.

Imagine if women's rights/LGBT/black lives matter/just about any civil rights activist took this attitude. Nothing would ever change. Our instinctual aversion to pain means that a personal dislike can become a driver for change - in the right hands. There are autistic advocates working at making these changes right now.

"while I recognize the system to be elitist, I also recognize that it's as inclusive as it can be given most people aren't autistic."

Your definition of inclusion is problematic then. If an inclusive society only includes some/most people, then it ceases to be inclusive.

I actually forget what the original post was about, but I suspect you would argue (albeit more emotionally than logically) against any response offered. Take care - merry xmas!

[venusofthenorth in reply to ncrbrts]

If it didn't feel essential in the first place, why did you reply?

[Fuunycat]

I think a pretty important thing with high function autism is learning when to care. You seem to care what other people think about your mood. Some people are just naturally bright and happy, others take a bit more to put a smile on. It is okay to not like everyone and not everyone will like you. Learning to be a host in your personal space is hard, it is a place you feel safe and so the masking goes down.

Also if people want you happy yet complain about what makes you happy.... it sounds like a whole lot of there problem

I would suggest talking to a specialist. I just writing based of my experience

[venusofthenorth in reply to Fuunycat]

I guess I could turn to somebody with HR or employee management experience. Thank you for your advise.