I’ve decided to be myself, whoever that is.

Maybe other autists can relate; I have been using my “neurotypical filters” (acting and talking more neurotypical) as a coping mechanism to avoid abuse at school, get and keep jobs, keep relationships and keep the peace in my relationships since I was a kid. I was never good at pretending to be someone else and hide my weird traits, especially since I was undiagnosed until my adult years but It was a survival mechanism. my life was easier when I wasn’t myself or spoke my mind around others.

Unfortunately I have done this so long and with everyone I know, even family and online, I don’t know who I am, im terrified of speaking my mind and my personality and identity is shaped by trying to be more NT and avoiding pain. It was originally a way to survive but now it’s hurting me. I learned I was autistic just last year which was an epiphany moment for me that just helped me make all these connections and make my past make more sense and i’ve been working on learning who I am and trying to be myself more.

I recently decided to start talking and acting more like I want to in my head before it goes through my filters and I figure while the internet can be a harsh place, im anonymous and im not in real danger so im starting online. Im just so tired of pretending to be someone else to avoid getting hurt and keep people around. I still have to use it at work but otherwise Im trying to figure out who I am without fear and anxiety over every thing I say and how it will be perceived and how i’ll be treated for it.

this isn’t to make people feel sad for me, I just feel like this is the only place I can talk about it.

[Hidden]

Good for you. Be who you are. If others don't like it, tough. I usually don't judge anyone neither should others.

[Bunny4jeff]

Hi Kara,

I hope it helps somewhat to hear that, reading your post it could have been written by me! And I'm willing to bet by a great many of us on the autistic spectrum. You are so not alone here! It's amazing to me, too, to read that there are others in the world whose wires appear to be crossed in the same way as mine, lol! I am not yet diagnosed but I have my (video) assessment in October so the anticipation, and some dread, is building. Just know that you are not unique, and not alone. I know it doesn't cure the condition we have but at least you have a label for your condition, which you can explain to people. I will be so happy to be able to do that once I am diagnosed. That's my one worry, that they will say I'm not autistic, or aspergic. Pushing that negative thought out of the way! Wishing you luck, and keep in touch here as to how things go for you xx