Undiagnosed ASD or something else I need help

[TessaNina]

I'm new to all this I am 28 and just looking for advice I believe I might have AS or ASD but I have no idea when I was young it was brought up a few times but never really pushed or looked into more so there has never been any diagnosis. I don't know what is wrong I have just never fit socially I feel so out of place. I do my best to try and fit or act how people seem to want me to but I still come across as very awkward totally uncomfortable and a lot of times cold or uncaring being described as even unhuman before. I just cant seem to express myself right so I never really had friends. I have also for my whole life been so easily overstimulated by sound, smell, light and touch it is so overwhelming I tend to try staying form people and places a lot of time because of the making me further isolated. Then there's the obsessives tendency mainly having to do with color or numbers being how I perceive ordered right or when I get on a topic I like I cant stop and must know everything about it and can talk about anything else but then I often fall short on everything else because I'm so focused on just the one thing. This obsessiveness also makes me very routine bases as well and if the routine or other plan is broken I cant handles it so I end up just melting down I don't know why I just cant seem to control my own body and I have given myself scratches and bruises because I tend to hit or grab at my legs and arms when I lose it. I just don't know why I have never seemed to fit but I think everyone thought I might grow out of it but I never did. Now it just affect so much of my life and work can be so hard because I have to be social and it is the most unnatural thing in the world to me. So I just don't know if I should be looking at AS or ASD for I diagnoses or if I'm totally on the wrong trail and this is something totally different. If anyone has any opinions I would love to hear them I'm a little lost right now.

Thank you everyone

[Hidden]

See a doctor, to get professional diagnosis - is best advice can give after this virus is through with us

[Hidden]

Not feeling that you fit in (feeling like an alien or something), finding it difficult to make friends and overwhelming sensory experiences are things I also experience. What I am not alien to however is anything relating to goodness, wherever it may be in the universe. I crave the sameness of anything I find good and hope for the pattern of goodness and it’s sameness to be infinitely connected to me. I have to say at this point that I have always been kind to people but lots of people I’ve met have been bullies or abusers. A few nice people (there are some nice people on this planet) have told me how kind, nice and caring I am and praise me for it. Other more evil people recognize that I am kind and caring and then go on to exploit me on their own terms and use me to get what they want or cruelly deride me and bully me for my goodness saying things like ‘you are too nice you should be careful that other people won’t use you or abuse you’. These behaviours against me by other people have obviously been extremely hurtful. In general, people who have got close to me either bully me, ostracise me, or have abused me. Maybe that’s why it’s difficult to make friends. The environment of this planet is also not the best there could be. There’s something about autism that makes me unusually honest and compassionate. I think it has also made me more analytical and detail oriented-this is useful and good for finding wisdom and solving problems. But this all could just be who I am and nothing to do with autism. Autism could mean that we are just being ourselves and there is no cause for that other than that we are actually ourselves! After all and before all, Autism does mean ‘self’. Being able to focus intently on one thing and having intense interests helps me to solve the world’s problems which I consider to be a blessing and I would never want to change that strength that I have. Being focused on something is a prerequisite for excellent achievement and we can’t all be expert at everything so focus is absolutely necessary and this is a strength. I also have chronic pain. This is because I’m extremely sensitive. I feel everything more, emotions included (and I am extremely good at regulating my emotions when I am by myself but it is the planet that affects me and if bad things happen I would find it extremely difficult and being in certain environments is too much and sometimes when people find something too much and they can’t communicate it then they will hit themselves-that has happened to me-and if people abuse me then obviously I would not find that easy because I do not understand why people would have the intention to do evil) -that is why I am unusually compassionate-if someone else is in pain or struggling I will feel a deep uncomfortable aching for them and an almost electrical impulse to help-this drives me to help other people however I can. I often think about other people before I consider myself. I suppose I am altruistic. I would never want to change how I feel about love-love is the greatest power of the universe and I feel it all the time and it is beautiful. The people I love are beautiful. I am beautiful. At its core I believe that autism is a difference that has both blessings and struggles, sometimes really difficult struggles. The blessings or good are that there is truthfulness, there is love and there is hope. There are things to teach and things to learn, things to give, love to give, love to share. It is not a disorder-it is not ‘black and white’ like that. Everyone is different and as such, we cannot all conform to absolutely the same ‘norm’ as regards social interactions and interactions with the planet. The environment of this planet is not simple, it is extremely interconnected with both bad and good elements and aspects. Humans are also neither good nor bad but may lean more towards one or the other. Similarly, the human condition is extremely variable with many interconnected mechanisms and outcomes. Let us not assume that we understand human evolution or progression. It is the processing of the enactments in the environment and the actions of things and people in the environment that cause difficulties -what is within the human stems from the desires for goodness or otherwise. A natural variation. It is this planet that is wrong in many ways. It is better to love than be devoid of love and selfish, better to not understand the workings of evil people than to participate in evil. When and how will humanity learn to love? I think that the environment of this world is not as good as other places and some of the humans here behave as if they own the planet and all they care about is themselves. I have to keep my mind busy thinking, learning and analyzing things, trying to solve our problems and then I become focused on that and I feel I have to keep learning as much as I can and solve problems-it is innate to me. I am also driven to solve the world’s biggest problems-I’ve always felt that way since I was little all I could think about was helping people. But I know that there is a heaven so love is the answer, the greatest power in the universe.

I think that some people who have autism don’t feel much pain and other people feel a lot of pain since they are extremely sensitive. Similar for people who don’t have autism but I think people who have autism generally experience the world differently-with their emotions and their thinking too. I do think that I think quite logically which can be very useful. I think autism does affect the senses sometimes if not in all cases but I’m not an autism expert. A lot of people who have autism are sensitive and that leads them to think that maybe they have fibromyalgia and possibly fibromyalgia, at its base, has similar symptoms to the issues of pain that people who have autism may feel. Again I’m not an expert in fibromyalgia but I’m not sure if my physical sensitivity is more connected to autism or to fibromyalgia. It is complicated. Fibromyalgia simply relates to how and where pain is experienced-is it chronic and is it widespread? After that initial assessment, there are many other possible symptoms that people say accompanies the chronic widespread pain. But maybe these symptoms are separate and are not caused by fibromyalgia’s widespread pain and contrarily maybe the symptoms other than chronic widespread pain do not cause the widespread pain. Maybe one can have fibromyalgia by just having localised pain-since that can also be part of a fibromyalgia diagnosis. Many people who have autism probably experience chronic widespread pain or localised pain and so do people in the general population. So do these people have fibromyalgia? Maybe Autism doesn’t cause pain-if it did why do some people who have autism experience little pain? So what exactly is the cause of the pain of fibromyalgia? What exactly is the cause of the pain that people who have autism experience? Is it fibromyalgia? What is the cause of any pain that any human experiences? Something in the environment or an action from something affecting the human system that has sensed something? How are all these experiences different if there are any differences? If the experience, at its base, is not different then we could say that either both people who have autism or people who have fibromyalgia have a common cause of chronic, widespread pain or localised pain therefore leading to the conclusion that autism is not a cause of pain but causal factors from the environment is sensed by people and felt as pain for another reason apart from the difficulties with social communication, interaction and flexibility of thought. Regarding flexibility of thought, there is a point where thinking too flexibly is not useful or helpful. If one thinks logically, then necessarily and by implication, one should not think too flexibly in general once the logical operators have been enacted into some correct and purposeful arrangement. I am also capable of extreme flexibility of thought and that is enacted when I imagine or indeed use intuition to gain wisdom and solve problems. There is much ambiguity, false assumptions and innacurate information within the medical model of autism. This model is inflexible. There is neurological difference between humans and we should accept people and realise that we don’t understand the full extent of the way that humans are progressing through infinity both necessarily collectively and necessarily individually and what that actually takes. My thoughts on this is that everyone who loves is valuable and that is basically everyone-there may be some exceptions to this as there are some quite evil people. But we should not judge anyone superficially or completely since we are the created not the creator. What I mean is that we don’t fully understand what an individual is experiencing or what they know or understand. We should forgive everyone. So we should learn from those who love and we should all love each other. We should be innocent, truthful, childlike, honest, compassionate and care more about other people not just about ourselves otherwise we will be selfish and liars and care only about ourselves. Human evolution or human progression, in a general sense (however you want to term it) is no respecter of persons and since it is but a mechanism and a process, as such, individual humans find themselves in peculiar situations on this planet, bound to be part of a wider, infinite human path. The question is, is the mechanism and process of evolution enacted for a purpose and if so what is the purpose-by the laws of probability, if the answer is yes then we have but to wait to find out the true extent of the answer. We all experience different things and some things we experience the same, when quantum mechanics is enacted or in other words, when we are connected. I think I also have hypermobile EDS. I could have fibromyalgia too-I have not sought a diagnosis for that because I find it difficult to go out places and talk to people. I am sensitive. Are you unusually sensitive? I didn’t even know about autism until a few months before I decided to seek a diagnosis but I certainly had a lot of extreme difficulties throughout my life but unfortunately didn’t know why. After I got diagnosed it helped me to identify with other people who have similar difficulties and helped me understand why I have had so many certain difficulties in my life. I already knew I was autistic before I went to my appointment but I needed support and I realised that the best way to get support would be recognition of my difficulties. Do you feel you need any support? It depends where you go but if you find a good psychologist with expertise in autism then it would be a good idea for you to see one to get a diagnosis relevant to you. Just remember that although many psychologists are probably well intentioned and may be able to help you understand your differences and that there are other people who experience similar to you, they do not fully understand the full extent of what it means to actually be you. Only you know that. Or you could go to see your GP first for a referral but realise that GPS are not usually experts in Autism. Psychologists also do not know everything and many people make false assumptions, without understanding human progression and interrelatedness and variations and infinity and it’s probability and mechanisms. Psychologists also charge a lot for talking therapy. I certainly can not afford what they are asking for. Many intelligent people say that all humans are somewhere on ‘the autism spectrum’ as, of course, we are all ourselves and all different, even if we happen to share the same genetics. I would agree that we are all sharing the genetics of humanity -that is obvious- and we all have to learn from our social condition stemming from the people who surround us from birth in order to communicate/interact but the point is that the greatest form of communication is that which links us together through the power of love. I believe that people are all different and what we have to do is think about the most important aspects at the core of human beings-are we loving, are we kind, are we compassionate, do we seek wisdom?

As everyone is different it’s important to realise that what one person experiences is not necessarily what another person experiences but having mentioned that, with quantum entanglement, two or more humans can actually feel the same thing. I’m not suggesting that autism is caused by quantum entanglement but only suggesting that such a phenomenon is the extreme end of similarity of types and to emphasize that people can be extremely connected (quantum entanglement) and not quite so connected (less quantum entanglement). I personally feel that I experience quantum entanglement in a different way to a lot of other humans. By that I mean that I both feel more connected in some ways to other humans and also less connected in some ways. I feel more connected when people are loving and kind. I also feel connected to the universe on a deep, spiritual level. By that, I mean that I believe that there is an infinite possibility for goodness and the tenability of such goodness on a certain sphere. If you have any questions about that I’ll try to answer them.

If you have any more questions then I’ll try to answer them for you.

Remember, the social model is a better model than the medical model where any human condition is impacted by either the environment or humanity because it teaches that the environment and the collective social aspects of humanity impact on an individual and we should not assume that there is necessarily disorder present within the individual. Maybe people don’t ‘have’ autism. In fact, some people prefer to be understood as being ‘autistic’ which actually means being ‘yourself’. People are just being themselves-being yourself has implications of being both separate and connected to the rest of our humanity. It is the difficult environment of the planet that is not compatible with certain types of excellent and loving people or in other words people who excellently try to do their best but things around them have made it difficult for them. Have you heard of that song somewhere a place for us (lyrics by Stephen Sondheim) goes something like ‘there’s a place for us somewhere a place for us...hold my hand and we’re halfway there, hold my hand and I’ll take you there-we’ll find a new way of living, somewhere’. It’s not us, it’s everything around us. That is why we as humans need to forgive each other, precisely because we are not sure exactly what we are born with and/or how the environment has affected us. We should be helpful, supportive, charitable and compassionate no matter what name we give to anything. If doing things differently will lead to a better way then we should embrace it. It is this planet that is wrong, not the people who try their best on it. Autism is not a disorder, humans are just all different and that will not change. Difference as regards social communication and interaction is a natural variation between humans and of human evolution and progression and should always be regarded as such. If we are progressing on the way to a more loving humanity then that would be good. That is what matters.

It is what one does and how one came to do it, not what one says that is the true test of the goodness of humanity.

Do not feel lost, we are connected by love. Feel free to be yourself with love.

Where people are loving is where I fit in.

[TessaNina in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the response all of this is helping me a lot I'm so new about talking about this stuff to people. I did get a refral to see a psychiatrist so I can talk to them about it if i can manange to actually bring myself to do it. I do have chronic pain mine is mainly a lot of GI problems. I have to avoid so many foods now and still have constant abdomen pain I guess serve IBS because they can't find anything. It is one of the main things that has hit my routine so hard because it has now got to the point I can't do my normal things. This makes me have a much harder time keeping myself together.

I also see a rumataligist because of body pain worst is hip. I do well with some pain I work in a kitchen so I get cut and burns all the time and don't even notice. Yet I can't take the pain of digestion that most don't even have and my body and joints just seem to hurt for no reason. I do think part of the hip pain is because I don't walk right I have terrible posture and balance which is not good on back and hips. They brought up fibromyalgia but there is nothing they can really do if it is so I haven't really gone down that road. That and im really tired of going to dr's it is so hard and uncomfortable. So I gave up a little on explaining the pains and now just trying to live with them.

I hope you find some relief with yours I know how fast chronic pain can wair you down.

[Hidden in reply to TessaNina]

That’s ok. Let me know what happens. Sorry to hear you have GI problems. I don’t generally get that sort of problem. What does your diet consist of? What things can’t you do?

So the way your body processes pain is different in different areas of your body? I don’t experience that - it is the same everywhere for me.