Wife's battle

[Zazu-Kieka]

Hi there, I'm Elke, 59 in a few weeks, married to Bob, 62 and severely disabled with reocurring strokes, heart disease, microvascular disease, COPD, fibromyalgia, arthritis and Raynard's disease- a few more extras but these are the main health issues!

But Bob smokes rollies, although having been told for the last 25 years to stop, but even though our 24 year old daughter had asthma as a child he wouldn't stop, we all are taking in his smoke and he doesn't care, even smokes in bed- we have separate bedrooms because I can not cope with the smell! Upstairs smells of smoke, downstairs smells of smoke and we're all smelling it coming through our doors?

Bob uses nebulisers on top of his inhaler, but he won't see his COPD nurse so I'm letting him inhale Quinton water and colloidal silver, which gives him great relief!

I've started with coughing, wheezing which irritates me all night and day now, but Bob doesn't even notice???? I'm frightened to have the onset of COPD as I suffered from asthma for a few years when younger?

I'm gutted that Bob just says, "I'm slowly dying" and carries on smoking, our three daughters (19,24,37) are also suffering with irritation, two have hayfever, one panic attacks and anxiety, not the healthiest (extremely low blood pressure and PoTs, extreme vitamin B12 deficiency), so we parents should be doing all we can to NOT make them worse?

Any suggestions as to how to make Bob more aware and trying to convince him to do something for his children(although they're adults, but they live in our property??!!!) Thank you for your patience xxx

[stone-UK]

Hi

Very sad reading, your post would make me want to stop smoking. You hubby seems intent on a voyage of self destruction, rollies are probably the worst kind of smoking. Can your hubby not be encouraged to try vaping. For his own health as well as the rest of the family.

[Samjeff in reply to stone-UK]

Hi stone yes that was a very sad situation and both are young too. Just wanted you to know I finally bought G3 from

Two lovely ladies it’s still in warranty till 2020 haven’t seen time to drink lately ? Sam

[Katinka46]

Welcome to this forum. I was upset by your story and cannot really offer any advice. Well, to be honest certain things came into my mind but are not repeatable here. Your health, and that your daughters are paramount. But how to achieve that without family break-up is tricky. Is there anyone else he would listen to?

Sorry to be somewhat useless.

Keep us informed.

All the best

K

[sassy59]

To be honest, I get the impression that Bob will only do what he wants to do. It’s all very sad but I don’t know what else to say. He could do lots of things but will he? Xxxx

[Caspiana]

Hello Zazu-Kieka .

I like the others felt so sad reading your post. I am no way advocating a break up of family, I must say though, if your worsening health and that of your children is not enough of an incentive for Bob to stop, I really do not know what would be.

I apologise for my straightforwardness and I may be taking liberties by saying, it is one thing to continue to damage one's own health knowingly, but then to continue doing so at the expense of others is quite another matter.

I hope I have not caused offense and I wish I had some words of wisdom as to how to get him to stop, but I am so rattled by reading this post, that I'm afraid what I'd like to say, I cannot.

I really, really feel for you, and I understand you have probably been in the care taker role for a long time and feel a great sense of responsibility. I must urge you to remember that you too are important, to your childtren, friends and family and to yourself. You matter very much too.

I hope you will forgive me for my bluntness and if you'd like to, please come back and let us know how things go.

Best wishes,

Cas xx 🍀

[Badbessie]

I believe in honesty and sadly the colloidal silver is not in any way good for him. The only research I can find is by the FDA and that is from the findings post mortem examinations. No responsible Doctor will advocate its use.

From what you have written your husband as a number of complex issues which require expert help with psychological issues. That he is refusing to see people who can help speaks volumes. It could be due to many things from Anxiety to depression to fear.Or a mixture of these and more. No one can diagnose online and any advice is limited.

Sadly as you and the rest of the family are suffering due to his actions then you may need to become more Pro active to make change. Nobody can tell you what to do. Yes he is ill but he does not live in isolation and you may need to take a very firm line concerning his behaviour.

In all Honesty if I was acting like that there would be two sets of suitcases in front of me and my wife would say your choice! Either meet me halfway or one of us is going. There must be some compromise you can come to with him.

[Dubba61]

What an awful situation you're in Zazu. Like Katinka, i feel unable to say what i would like to say. But, you and yours have my best wishes and sympathy.

[Hidden]

Seems to me, Elke, that you only have one alternative. Bob is puffing away not worrying about anything but himself. It’s 4 against 1 after all so it should be easy to put a bit of gentle pressure on him. Stone’s idea is a good one those e-cigarettes have helped a lot of people. Buy him one and point out the practical advantages of using then, rolling your own is a messy business I remember. I’ve never used e-cigarettes but I imagine they are much easier to use. Maybe that, backed up with a bit of gentle nagging from you four ladies may work. It’s very difficult problem that you have and whilst my suggestions might be totally impractical for you, I didn’t feel that just sympathising with you would be very helpful.

[Ergendl]

Dear Elke, your post reminds me of my own situation with my previous husband Bob, who died in 2003 of heart failure brought on by severe COPD (chronic bronchitis and emphysema) plus peripheral vascular disease and other conditions including dementia. He gave up smoking with me in 1985 but started again in the 90s and was still smoking in the last stages of his illness. I was diagnosed with moderate COPD a couple of years ago, caused in significant part by passive smoking, the Respiratory Nurse told me.

If you feel you need to be there still to support him (as I did with my Bob) and he won't use e-cigs, get some sort of air purifier for the room you live in most that he doesn't go into much. That may help a bit. I also stayed out of our home as much as I could while he was alive.

[mskpjb]

Your post is very upsetting and you are in a very difficult situation. I think Stone's suggestion that you get him to change to vaping is a sensible idea. I'm curious to know how he gets his tobacco etc for his rollies. If he can't go out himself then why not refuse to buy them for him.

I'm not underestimating how hard everything is for you or for your husband. He's depressed about his health and naturally sorry for himself (not blaming him ) but you've got to harden up and tell him " I'm sorry you're not well. You say you're slowly dying well you are slowly killing your children. How selfish is that ? " I know it seems easy for me to say 'cos I'm not in your position but I do hope things improve for you.

[Hacienda]

I was going to say "I was Sorry", But I am Not Sorry For Bob, only You and your Daughters. I am waiting for a Double Lung Transplant. My daughter had Breast Cancer in another Country were she lives, I couldn't travel to her and Hold her, which broke my Heart. She got through it, Thank's to Medical intervention, Chemo, Operation,Radio, then travelled to me when we could Hold each other. Please Give your Husband this Forum and let him read all the Replies to you. Go and Buy him an E.Cig and do not buy him any more Tobacco. BOB, Get your act Together Man, your not the only One with Health Problems, Think of your Wife and Children..... Carolina . XXX

[Susan1200]

Hi Zazu-Kieka ,i feel so sad reading your situation,it's really not fair on all of you, dosen't he understand that he is hindering all your healths,he him self is suffering health wisw ,ask him if he wants to see his daughters and your self suffer like he is ,sorry to say i wish i could advise you i don't know what to say ,only that he is a very selfish Man.

I feel for you and your children ,i hope soon he will listen and realize how much damage he is causing.

I wish you and your daughters all the very best .

Please excuse my straigh forwardness, you sound a wonderful person .

[Susan1200]

Please keep us posted .

[Insomnus]

Many years ago, when my father was alive (he died of Silicosis from working in coal mines) he would visit my sister. When she gave birth to her first child, she would make him smoke in the backyard - whatever the weather. She even made him smoke in the garden when she visited him.

I can't advise you to follow suit as I am not aware of your families dynamic, but it's a thought.

A quick digress/ My grandfather and his father all also died from lung complications (I have COPD). My mother died when I was 15 from breast cancer, then all of her 5 sisters died of breast cancer. My sister is on the 'plump' size and on advice from the hospital she had a double mastectomy before there were any signs of cancer. She is just approaching 60 and very likely would not have done had she not had the double mastectomy.