Weekly Christmas Laughter
It's Christmas Week and I thought that I will give you all a treat.
Please split them into 5 days or if you are brave enough read them all at once.
Please let me know.
Enjoy
Merry Christmas
Berwick xxx
Monday
Rejoice that we are all together,
For a day like this,
Two things keep us happy, warm,
A Christmas hug from you my dear,
& in return a Christmas Kiss,
Merry Christmas from the heart,
To ones I hope will never part.
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Christmas is not about toys,
Christmas is not about money,
Christmas is about giving food to the needy,
Christmas is about loving ur family,
Christmas is to get time to spend with ur family,
What's Christmas,
Christmas is about the holiday,
Christmas is about loving what you get,
Christmas is not about sending cards,
Christmas is about love...
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The tempting gifts are tantalizing,
About opening them, we are fantasizing,
The holiday foods are appetizing,
Our excitement & joy are growing and rising,
Our hearts & minds are harmonizing,
Jolly Christmas fun we are maximizing...
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Heap on the wood,
The wind is chill,
But let it whistle as it will,
We will keep our Christmas merry still...
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Under the tree the gifts enthrall
But the nicest present of them all
Is filling our thoughts with those who care
Wanting our Christmas joy to share.
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Christmas tree, sparkling bright
Filled with baubles, warmth and light
Precious symbol of our affection
For Christmas time and its perfection
Show each night your radiant glory
For "oohs" and "aahs" obligatory.
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What do we love about Christmas
Does our delight reside in things
Or are the feelings in our hearts
The real gift that Christmas brings
It's seeing those we love,
And sending Christmas cards, too,
Appreciating people who bring us joy
Special people just like you.
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Oh Little child so near the tree
The precious view you clearly see
Adorned in white, a glistened sight
A chilling warmth, it's nearly night
Excitement grows within each eye
A splendid match, so bright yet shy
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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
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Christmas comes with children singing
Christmas comes with sleigh bells ringing
Christmas comes with frosty nights
Christmas comes with snowball fights.
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I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on Earth, good will 2 men!
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Good news from heaven the angels bring
Glad tidings to the earth they sing
To us this day a child is given
To crown us with the joy of heaven.
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Tuesday
On this Christmas Pray
To your enemy, forgiveness
To an opponent, tolerance
To a friend, your heart
To a customer, service
To all, charity
To every child, a good example
To yourself, respect
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Under the tree the gifts enthrall
But the nicest present of them all
Is filling our thoughts with those who care
Wanting our Christmas joy to share.
***************
I've been getting ready for Christmas
I'm revving up for the great day
my credit card's cracked and my freezer is packed
B'cause I started my shopping in May
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Christmas brings such a time of love
Each tender heart holds so much of
Unselfishness thrives, trust is strong
The purpose to give, send love along.
***************
Love came down at Christmas
love all lovely,love divine
Love was born at Christmas
Star and angels gave the sign.
***************
I made a Christmas wish for you
For a holiday full of pleasure
Friends and family all around
And memories to treasure.
***************
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the tree tops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow.
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Wednesday
Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, & nightmare, it is a period of essential defrosting of chill & hide-bound hearts.
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Dear Santa, I didn't want to make it too hard for you this year, so, the only thing on my list this year is 1 year paid leave from work with bonus.
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I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the North Pole & wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?
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I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be,
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pyjamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
But first – it wet the bed!
There once was an elf named Fred
Whose house was of gingerbread.
Though tasty, these walls
dissolved in snowfalls
And also made crumbs in Fred’s bed.
How do snowmen greet each other?
Answer: Ice to meet you!
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How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
Answer: "A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!"
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Why the Christmas tree can�t stand up?
Answer: It doesn�t have legs.
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Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.
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What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
-Knock knock
*Who's there?
-Mary!
*Mary who?
-Merry Christmas
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Thursday
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,"
Saint Peter said.
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What's the difference between a biscuit and a reindeer?
You can't dunk a reindeer in your tea
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On the following evening the young man knocked his colleagues door and found him pacing up and down the hallway in an impatient manner.
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"The proper behaviour all through the holiday season is to be drunk.
This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
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What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
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Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online.
But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.
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What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas one has no L |
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"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
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What is the best Christmas present in the world? � A broken drum - you can't beat it!
*****************
Christmas shopping is awesome,
Only when it is for you.?
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Christmas is one day when girls get to kiss boys To wish them without being called a slut.
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With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel,
wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer
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Friday
Little Susie had been born with a sunny disposition, and was the most optimistic kid anybody had ever seen. She loved people and animals, and no matter what happened, she always saw the bright side.
She was also an artistic girl. So one Christmas, her parents got her a big bag of clay for making pottery. They put it on the back porch next to a bag of horse manure for the garden. On Christmas Eve, dad wrapped the presents. It was a little dark on the porch, and as you may have guessed, he wrapped the manure by mistake, instead of the pottery clay.
On Christmas morning, Susie was so excited to see what Santa had brought her. When she finally got to unwrap her big present, her parents watched with anticipation to see how much she liked her clay.
When Susie opened the package, and then the bag inside containing several pounds of stinky horse manure, the parents were aghast. But before they could apologize, Susie said, “Oh boy! I got a pony!
One Christmas eve, Pete and Jane were driving their Russian friend Rudolph back to his house. The weather outside was frightful. Jane asked Pete, “Do you think that’s sleet or rain out there?”
“It’s rain, Jane” said Pete.
“I think it’s sleet, Pete,” said Jane.
Rudolph chimed in, “It’s definitely rain, Jane.”
“No, I really think it’s sleet, Rudolph” said Jane.
“Don’t argue with the expert, Jane,” said Pete.
“What do you mean, Pete?” asked Jane.
Pete replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear.”
I wanted our street to have the prettiest decorations in the neighbourhood, so I strung lit coloured balls from house to house, all the way down the block. I did all the electrical wiring myself. If you’d like further information, just drive down Moorpark Street in North Hollywood. We’re the third pile of ashes from the corner.
One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids’ grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids.
The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks.
When asked by a friend what caused this change in behaviour, the grandmother replied, “Simple. This year I didn't sign the checks.”
A father took his son Billy to the Penney's mall to see Santa. They stood in line awhile, and finally the boy was able to meet Santa and sit on his lap.
“What would you like for Christmas, Billy?” asked Santa.
“An X-Box and a Hobbit game,” Billy said.
“Okay, we’ll see what we can do about that,” said Santa with a big smile.
Later on that day they also went to see Santa at the Sears mall. When Santa asked Billy what he wanted for Christmas, Billy said, “An X-Box and a Hobbit game.”
“Will you be a good boy and do what your daddy tells you?” Santa asked.
Billy turned to his dad and said, “Let’s go back to the other Santa, Dad.”
“Why Billy?” asked his father.
“Because I didn’t have to make any deals with that one.”
A guy goes into the post office and asks the clerk for some new Christmas stamps.
The clerk behind the counter asks, “Which denomination?”
The guy thinks for a minute, then says, “Give me 5 Methodist, 2 Lutheran, and 7 Catholic.”
When a father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy replied, “A baby sister.”
As it turned out, the wife was pregnant, and delivered on Christmas Eve. On Christmas day she brought home a brand new baby sister for their son.
The next year, when the father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy said, “If it wouldn't make mummy too uncomfortable, I’d like a pony.”
One Christmas, a mother asked her young daughter if she could name two of Santa’s reindeer.
“Rudolph and Olive,” replied the young girl confidently.
“Rudolph and Olive?” said the mother, quizzically. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, mummy, Rudolph and Olive. Like in the song.”
“The song?” asked the mother. “What song?”
The girl sang, “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. Olive the other reindeer....”
Santa has it great. I buy all the toys. He gets all the credit.
I just wrote a letter to Santa. I asked him to bring me a clearer definition of “naughty.”
I told the kids the reason Santa can get all those toys into one bag is because he let Mrs. Claus pack it for him.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
One thing you can say about Santa: he’s got Christmas in the bag.
When I was younger, I used to love sitting in Santa’s lap at the shopping mall - and was sad when I finally outgrew it at age 30.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
Yeah, I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus. Frankly I thought he was taking advantage of her grief. Grandma had JUST been run over by a reindeer.
Santa Jokes: "The Four Stages of Life"
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Santa Jokes: "Tough Day At The North Pole"
Santa was having a rough December. A bunch of elves got sick from some bad eggnog, and toy production was way behind. Then Santa’s mother-in-law showed up for Christmas, with a lot of “free advice,” and Santa felt his stress levels rising.
On top of that, a couple of the reindeer had wandered off into the tundra, and three more had somehow got themselves pregnant.
Then during his pre-Christmas flight safety check, Santa found the maintenance team had totally neglected the sleigh: the runners were rusty, the paint had cracked, and some of the wood was infested with termites.
Frustrated beyond belief, Santa went into the house for a hot cider. But the elves had raided the cellar and it was dry as a bone. “No wonder they’re all sick,” he muttered.
He reached for a cookie and accidentally knocked over a king-size candle which splattered giant sparks all over his coat and beard. He managed to extinguish the sparks but his red coat was charred and his beard smelled horrible.
Then, at that very moment, somebody rang the doorbell, and kept right on ringing. Reeking of smoke, and definitely not in his happy place, Santa jerked open the front door and there stood an angel with a Christmas tree.
The angel said, “Santa, we got you a beautiful tree this year. Where do you want me to put it?”
And that, as it happens, is how the angel got to be sitting on top of the Christmas tree.
This is not widely known.
Funny Sayings: "Santa"
Seems hypocritical for Santa to spy on children and then decide what constitutes being naughty.
Teenagers should believe in Santa. That way they wouldn't be lying when they said they knew somebody whose mom lets him stay out all night long.
Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.
I wish I were more like Santa. That way I could be jolly even when I have to work all night.
No one wants to be office Santa since the year I straddled his lap and whispered in his ear that all I want for Christmas is for this to last forever.
The staff would be a lot more likely to believe our boss was Santa Claus at the office Christmas party if he was handing out bonuses.
What does Santa have in common with the tooth fairy?
They’re both nocturnal.
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I told my kids that Santa is gluten free and lactose intolerant, so we left him some beer and peanuts.
Well I thought that I would give you a weekly paper to keep you going until next week
Hope you enjoyed
Berwick xxx
Merry Christmas to you all 
In the midst of chaos, I'm here to wish you all a very happy Christmas!
A quieter week this week!
