Hello, I am hoping for some information or maybe reassurance because I'm sure I'm going crazy. My son is 3 years old and very soon after he was born, I was diagnosed with post partum psychosis and depression. I was extremely fortunate that I was already on the radar during the pregnancy due to some other factors, and that my midwife and partner spotted I wasn't myself once my son was born. I quickly received help and support and I am so grateful for this. I was discharged from services when my son was almost 1 year old.
Recently, I feel like I'm having some sort of flashback or something, I honestly don't know how to explain it because it just doesn't make sense. When I was unwell, I didn't bond with my son, he made me feel physically and mentally sick to be near him. I was able to push this aside in order to meet his needs but it was awful. I didn't feel like he was my child. For the first couple of days, I kept looking and seeing the face of an old man which was so upsetting especially during breast feeds. Then I started seeing the face of a demon and he was talking to me. I can visualise it now as I type and it is horrible. It's like I was looking at this demon devil telling me horrible things. At one point I thought he was pushing me out of the bed trying to hurt me. If we went out, I always kept his hood down on the pram so people couldn't see him, incase they asked why I had a demon.
It took a long time, but I grew to bond with my son and to love him. And to gradually see his beautiful face. To be able to hold him as my baby.
But I'm starting to think, did I ever actually fully recover? I love my boy and I have never caused or wished harm to him. But I always wonder if I have harmed him by lack of bonding and love in that first year? And sometimes when he is acting out, like a typical 3 year old, I start questioning whether he is really a demon or whether he is normal. Almost immediately, I can tell myself that he is normal, but for that split second it's like a flashback to how I felt when he was born. I start wondering whether he is going to grow up into a criminal or something like that because I didn't care for him. Whether criminals are nature or nurture?
I hate feeling like this and I just don't know if it's normal for these feelings to return briefly after I've recovered?
I'm a sole parent and I also have a 5 year, so I'm often overwhelmed with doing everything myself. I know that I'm tired and need to rest. I also know that both kids are dependent on me to be happy and healthy. I don't have a support network local to me.
I have left a message for my health visitor today and I have referred myself for counselling.
I just feel so stupid and guilty about everything. Sorry I know it's a long post, but it has felt so much better getting it out.
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Mushroomsoup
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sorry to hear you experienced PPP but I’m glad you got help quickly and recovered well. Sorry to hear you didn’t bond with your son this must have been very tough, I think as parents we are always very tough on ourselves and want to do right by our children. I would say you’ve not affected your son, he won’t remember any of it and I’m sure he didn’t go without. A bit different but I seen faces when I was ill and can still picture them today and I think I always will but as time passes they do become less disturbing and I hope they do for you too. Hopefully your counselling will help. Take care
Hi Mushroomsoup, I had ppp Aug of 2022 and my therapist, who I’ve been with since November 2023 (side note: it took a while to find the right therapist- really love the one I have now but even she did not have experience with ppp; it was evidently impossible to find a therapist with that experience) and she has always treated me under the diagnosis code of PTSD. I would be shocked if any of us did not have some form of PTSD after ppp and being hospitalized. I was hospitalized three times over the course of that first year while I was still very heavily medicated - and in the US that does not mean an MBU, it means you are in a general psych ward and separated from your child. I too certainly worry what kind of mark that left on my son who I love more than anything, but of course that type of worrying is useless.
All this is to say, you are not alone, and you have nothing to be sorry for. I am so very sorry you’ve gone through this. It will always be part of your story now, of my story, all of ours here, but you will eventually find ways to overcome these familiar/recurring thoughts that creep in. One small tip if you don’t already - I’d recommend avoiding anything in the media, tv, books, movies, that might fall into the horror/psychological thriller genre - like I said to my therapist recently: after going through ppp, these horror stories are really not that far off. Best to be kind to our mind. Wishing you well.
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting here. I’m so sorry you experienced PP and depression after your 3 year old was born. It’s good to hear that you got help and support quickly at the time.
My name’s Jenny, I’m one of the national peer support coordinators at APP. I had PP after my oldest son was born, he’s now 12. I can say that for me, the flashbacks to those feelings and thoughts definitely faded with time, but would creep up on me when I wasn’t expecting it. I think the fleeting thoughts you’re having when your 3 year old is being challenging make sense, like your brain is still making that connection back to the thoughts and beliefs you had when you were unwell, and the fact they really can act like little demons at times at that age is a bit of a trigger? I think we’ll always feel that guilt and worry at times, the ‘what ifs’ and ‘is this because…?’ I imagine this is also part and parcel of being a parent for anyone, whether or not they experienced severe mental illness after birth – worrying what impact we’re having on our children. We can only do our best and you sound like a wonderful mum. As you say, when severely unwell your son was loved and his needs were met despite how you were feeling.
People can, and do, suffer from PTSD after PP – it is a very traumatic experience to go through. It’s really good you are reaching out to your health visitor and for counselling – being proactive like that can only be a positive thing and in the same way that writing here has already felt helpful, I think talking about things is so important in helping us to process what we’ve been through.
You might also find our insider guides helpful to have a look at, we have published a new one this year around being a parent after PP: app-network.org/postpartum-...
Being a sole parent to a 3 and a 5 year old, with no local support network around you, must be exhausting. Do lean on any support you do have and try to rest when you can (easier said than done sometimes, I know). If the thoughts you’ve been having start getting worse, or things don’t feel right, do reach out to your GP.
Know you can write here any time. You're not alone 💜
Hi Mushroomsoup , thank you for posting - there’s a lot here that resonates with my own crazy experience. In my case it was OCD rather than psychosis (although my therapist told me what I went through was in some ways more similar to PPP than OCD). The way that it manifested itself for me was in intrusive thoughts that my baby and my cat were somehow taken over by people who wished me ill will. It got to the point where I pretty much believed the thoughts were true and became terrified of my baby and my cat. I also felt like my baby wasn’t my child or part of my family (or that I wasn’t his mother - which I guess is the same thing) when he was born. I’d never lost touch with reality like this before in my life and this was by far the worst thing that ever happened to me. It had a devastating effect on my ability to bond with my child and stayed bonded with my beloved cat - I felt searing anxiety every time I even looked at them
My baby is now 9.5 months I’ve come a long way in how I feel about him (and the cat) and myself since then but I still worry: Do I love him enough? Why don’t I worry about him like other mothers do about their babies? Why don’t I miss him when I’m away from him? In short, I’ve had a dramatically different experience of motherhood than if I hadn’t gotten ill, and it breaks my heart. I’ve let go of a lot of guilt about what happened though - I never wished for this to happen and I’ve done my best for my family throughout this, and you have too (and the fact that you’ve done it as a single mum on top means you really do deserve a medal).
What doesn’t help is that I analyse how I feel a lot and am obsessed (I do have OCD after all) with the notion that what happened to me is in my awareness at all times so it feels like I can’t enjoy moments with my son and my cat without constantly thinking about what happened. It’s like the thoughts won’t leave me alone.
When I was in the thick of it, I too used to get thoughts like “Maybe my cat scratched me because there really *is* someone wanting to do me harm inside her” or “Maybe my baby looked at me funny because…” These are intrusive thoughts and if they cause you anxiety, you can work on them by doing Exposure and Response Prevention therapy. This does indeed sound like PTSD to me - I also had this and found ERP helped a bit, as did Cognitive Reprocessing Therapy with a trained CBT therapist. A lot of people have raved about EMDR therapy too and I’m planning to give that a go in the coming weeks - might be something for you to try too?
In spite of your recent challenges, it sounds like you are doing fantastically well and that your relationship with your child has developed really healthily in spite of what happened to you. I’d love to hear more about how you managed that if you’d be up for sharing and perhaps even connecting separately.
Well done for reaching out and getting it all out. I’ve always believed that talking about it is therapy in its self. I had PP when my son was 5 months old and was treated at home during covid for 3 months before being admitted to an MBU fora further 5 months. I am coming up to 4 years since my discharge…can hardly believe it to be honest.
We’re going through a hard stage with my son’s behaviour right now and it definitely gets me thinking back to when I was sick. I believed that he wasn’t going to grow properly … that I had destroyed him…that he was an alien…and I have had to work hard to forgive myself for being sick during his first year of life, for missing lots of milestones and for having those feelings towards him. Now I think I am very acute to any changes in him…maybe more critical of him than I should be but perhaps that’s a side affect to what we went through. Perhaps because I eventually learnt that there wasn’t anything wrong with him as a baby that when things go wrong now, it is even harder to accept than what it might be for others.
You have been a warrior to get through what you did and be doing it all on your own. My husband works away for up to 2 months at a time and I don’t know how you do it yourself with 2! Give yourself credit for that…it is not easy…
You have done the right thing by making contact with your doctor and for recognising that you maybe don’t feel quite right.
Try and get some self care time in…some flowers chosen by you for you… a bar of chocolate with a film…whatever gives you a wee boost.
I had PP 22 years ago and I honestly think I have a little bit of PTSD about it to this day. There are STILL times that I see a creepy face or eyes, and the first thought in my mind is, "Oh no. It's happening again." I know now that what I'm seeing is real, it really is a devil face or Halloween decoration that someone has put up, or lights that appear like eyes. But it still brings back the feeling of that time. I don't know why that is, but I guess that's part of PTSD - the triggers. Keep reminding yourself, it's not real, that time is over, you are fine now and it's only memories. I wouldn't say I have a lot of that these days, but it hasn't ever totally gone away. It will get a lot better though.
So sorry to hear your experience and thank you for sharing. You most certainly can suffer from PTSD after PP, it can come out at any time. It took 23 years for me, we hold so much in.PP is a traumatic experience in itself, we can be left with may wounds that havent fully healed.. I can tell you that the bonding does happen, my daughter is 29 now and have a beautiful bond with her...
The main thing is that you are reaching out for help and support, I feel after we have been so poorly, there is always a little bit of guilt that we question when things aren't going so well, try to be kind to yourself.
If you can, try keeping a journal, my GP recommended this to me and found it worked well..
If you can see your GP it maybe helpful, they may refer you for an assessment. writing down what you have said here.. you can also receive help here.
Look after yourself and keep talking, we are here for you.
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