I've been on a few medications now, Olanzapine is the current one I'm on. I'm still struggling to accept that everything I went through was psychosis, so I'm finding it really hard to move on. I'm not sure it's the right medication for me as I often think about the psychosis and feel like something was done to me at the hospital as part of an experiment. It doesn't help that my body feels different to before, in that I don't feel muscular aches and pains like before.
Has anyone else really struggled with overcoming their psychosis fully/stabilising and finding the right combination of meds? I am feeling like I won't get better at the moment.
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Zebrawhite
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Hi Zebrawhite, such a heartfelt post and I feel for you in this situation. I think medication and recovery is never an uphill only process, there are many turns during it. I remember while at the MBU we started the process of weaning off the olanzapine, which like you I was on a dose of 20 mg. Initially we started reducing by 5 mg and it was too sudden for me and I regressed in my recovery. I felt I was doing very well and then I had to go under close observation, it felt like a blow to me.
It may be you may need extra support for a while or a change of medication. Pp is a huge trauma and our brain and bodies are starting to recover, just so, be very gentle with yourself, you have huge self awareness and that is really good asset, keep talking to your team about how you are feeling and hopefully they will be able to support you in the best possible way.
Thank you for your post it really resonated with me. Not so much about overcoming my PP episode, which was 16yrs ago now, but with overcoming my most recent psychosis episode 9 months ago.
While I think I'm on the right medications for me, like you, I find it hard to accept everything that happened was psychosis and still cling to some aspects of it being spiritual/mystical.
Some may say that means I/we are still somewhat deluded, though the most helpful response has been from a psychiatrist I saw who said that it doesn't matter whether my experiences were entirely psychosis or 'real' or a mixture, we might never know - what matters is that if the experiences were/are really upsetting me, making me/others unsafe, that I get help - whether in the form of support, hospitalisation or medication.
I don't know whether that idea helps you at all. It helps me to think of it that way. As Maria said, you have good insight and are good at describing what's happening for you and what you think/feel about it. Keep voicing that to your medical professionals and to us here, and in time you will feel better.
That is a helpful reply, thank you. One of my thoughts was that I have had something done to me to stop me from being able to die, which is very scary. I don't even know if that would be possible though. I also still feel paranoia. I need treatment, but I am finding these things hard to shake. I guess whatever has happened I need to try my best to stabilise.
For me, I was on olanzapine after the birth of my daughter in 2016 and it worked for me and gradually I weaned off it.
In 2020 I had a second child and took olanzapine after giving birth as a preventative measure. This time I really struggled on it, it gave me a hangover effect so getting up in the morning was really hard (and with a newborn and a 4 year old it was really hard) I had to psychically push my head up off the pillow each morning. I mentioned to my medical team that I was struggling.
They gave me the option of reducing the dose or switching to a different medication- I opted for reducing the dose as I was hopeful the medication would be short term (and it was, I didn’t get pp with my second child).
So maybe consider discussing your concerns with your medical team. Like I said olanzapine worked for me once but then I struggled on it years later, maybe they can find the right medication for you.
I'm sorry you're finding it hard to be sure what was part of the psychosis. As others have said - it's good you have that insight and do keep talking to your team and perhaps keep a note of how you're feeling and any symptoms each day. If things don't feel to be getting any better, or things feel overwhelming, do reach out for support. It may be that changes are still needed to your medication, and it may be that everything is still very fresh in your mind and those thoughts will settle the more time passes (or a combination of things). The brain is a very powerful thing and going through psychosis is a huge trauma. It definitely takes time to recover from that but you will get through this.
I remember questioning things for some time after the acute psychosis had resolved, it's so confusing and exhausting. A lot of 'but what if...?'s. It must feel very frightening to believe something was physically done to you, but the fact you are questioning the thoughts you're having is a positive sign I think. Can you perhaps find a few things to focus on that you know for a fact are true, that might help you feel a bit more grounded when feeling anxious? I know some people find grounding techniques quite helpful generally when things are feeling unsettled - standing on grass in your bare feet, spending time in nature...
Thank you for your response. I'm not that great today again. I will do as you suggest and try to find some things that I know to be true to hold on to. Thank you for the information on grounding techniques as well.
I liked what your psychiatrist said that it doesn’t really matter what it was or if it was real. The important thing is how you feel and the trauma that it caused you, that you continue to deal with. Those feelings are real. I personally still deal with a bit of medical PTSD. It’s not a joke.
Finding the right meds has been like the story of my life. When it was antipsychotics, I went from one to the next on a regular basis, trying to find one on which I was stable and had manageable side effects. I stopped taking the antipsychotics altogether just last year. I’m feeling a lot better except for a lot of lingering anxiety. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s tolerable. I’d much rather be med free. I’m able to lose weight now which was the most important thing to me. Being obese really ruined my health.
Anyway, all that to say I get it, and your feelings are real and valid. Hang in there.
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My psychosis story which has continued but the meds are disabling me 
Homesick for another world 
