I haven’t posted in a while but I always read your words and am so grateful for this community, oceans apart as we are; I am so profoundly relieved to know I am not and was never alone.
I just wanted to write a note today on my two year anniversary to say I am doing a lot better. I still struggle, it’s still a journey, I still cannot believe what I went through, what all of us went through - in some cases repeatedly - but I am also starting to view things a bit differently. I am starting to believe that my post partum psychosis forced me to press pause on [blow up actually] a life that desperately needed redirecting. I will not say I’m grateful for my psychosis because I don’t wish that descent into hell upon anyone, not even the old me, but I will say this: two years out from my PPP and I’m starting to like who I am in a way that I never thought possible before. It has required a lot of therapy, self-advocating, reading (audible + walking with my dog), body scanning, learning about boundaries and then setting them, painstaking, painstakingly, painstakingly letting go of a lot of old habits and relationships that were never good for me, prioritizing time with my son before and after work, and a lot of mistake-making to course correct. But here I am finding myself actually healing, not just from the trauma of PPP, but from the trauma of my life and who I was, or was not, before it.
I’ll spare you all the details of my dance with the devil but I just want to offer this note as a source of hope for those who are really in it right now. This stuff that we have faced and are still facing to varying degrees - this is the stuff of warriors. We are so brave, I could cry just typing that. We are so brave. And healing, non-linear as it may be, is possible, even if no one else in your life comes with you. I just want to take a moment to really celebrate that stuff that you all are, that I am, made of. Keep fighting the good battles.
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KatMax
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Hello KatMax, what a lovely positive reflection on your second anniversary. So many things are put in perspective after experiencing pp. I believe as you that the change can be for the better and that the reprioritization of things in life happens thanks to such a experience. I am as well very happy we can connect across the distance through this unique community.
Hello KatMax I love your heartfelt message 🙏 I agree with you, for me PP has been a transformative experience, despite it being bloody scary how it rips apart your sense of self and reality!
This Thursday is a year since I experienced the onset of PP. Such strange memories to look back on now, and I’ve come so far in a short time.
I keep reminding myself that it is important to be proud of how my strength and my sense of self that got me through PP. I’ve always struggled with accepting pride, and seeing myself as a strong woman, but I can confidently say I’m so proud of myself and love who I am.
We are a community of strong women even if you don’t feel it at times. The support we give each other is invaluable. Love to you all 💚
What wonderful reflective words KatMax. I definitely believe there are stages in recovery from any illness, PPP included. Im now 5 yrs since my episode and the first 3 years were the most transformative for me. Boundary setting, as you mentioned, because incredibly important. Almost as a form of self advocacy, which I was never particularly good at previously.
I wish you all the best as you continue to move forward. Please write again soon
I completely agree, we are so brave. All of us. Even as a two time cancer survivor, I tell people, cancer is not the worst thing that has happened to me. Postpartum psychosis is. People understand cancer and you get lots of sympathy, lots of understanding. Your mind, while stressed, stays the same. None of that is true for PP. Very few people - in my case no one - understands what is happening to you. You lose yourself and you lose hope. Your life becomes a black hole of darkness that you cannot see out of. Yet somehow we kept putting one foot in front of the other and we survived. If that is not courage, I don’t know what is.
Congratulations on getting to this point in just two years. You’ve done well.
I’m at 8 years since my pp and your post made me realise I didn’t notice this year when I was at my anniversary of being put in hospital.
It can take so long so recover from and it changed me and certain paths in my life which wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have pp, so I understand what you mean about being grateful.
Take care and the same for you, keep fighting the good battles.
this is so beautifully written. Yes, this trauma we've experienced is unexplanatory to anybody, who has not lived this journey. Yes, and we turned the clock to a different era. I most certainly agree that we are changing more drastically, because of APP and/or BP1.
It is difficult for loved ones, who have had to be part of our recovery-path. It changed their lives, too.
Nevertheless, we need to celebrate our survival, empowerment and liking ourselves for whom we've become. I am grateful for my journey and gained sensitivity, but most of all learning new skills I would have not approached in "my old life", before PPP.
Thank you for writing and sharing, much appreciated!!!
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