Feeling a bit rubbish after creative writing workshop

[SammySeal]

Just want to vent a bit please. I just did the APP online creative writing workshop, which was really good, can't fault it, but now I'm sat here crying, which I never do, and I think I know why.

Everyone else seems so good and creative at putting into fancy words how they feel about their PP experiences, and just coming up with amazing poems and pieces of writing about it, and I just can't seem to do that. I just have to write or say something either flippant and silly, or just entirely factual and uncreative. I just feel frustrated at myself.

I don't know how other people do it. Most people had far worse PP experiences than me and seem ok to talk or write about it, often really beautifully. I just push it all down because it hurts too much to think about, let alone write or talk about. If I do think about it, like today, it seems to really knock me back.

I'm also crying about just how amazing you PP survivors are!

Is there a 'right' or 'best' way to move on from, or deal with everything, that I've just not figured out? Should I be over it by now? Do others feel like this? Thanks for listening.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi SammySeal,

Thank you for the heartfelt and honest post, I wanted to reply to you as it has resonated with me. I also sometimes find myself at a loss for words when talking about my experience of pp, I can be factual as you mention or turn it into a bit of a joke, but nothing in between.

I am 4 and a half years on from my episode, and I have healed in that period but I have also learned that our journey is so individual and everyone's pace is completely unique. There is not a right or wrong way, there is just our path.

Please take heart in your courage on writing so openly about your feelings today. Showing your vulnerability has to be praised. Take really good care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi SammySeal

I’m so sorry to read you were upset earlier. Try not to judge yourself against others. You have been through the trauma of PP and our experiences are all different but mind blowing whatever the severity!

I think if it hurts you so much to think about, perhaps it’s too soon to put so much pressure on yourself? You are also amazing as you too are a PP survivor! So rather than judge yourself too harshly I hope you are proud of the compassionate replies you have written lately.

I don’t think you should question whether you should be ‘over it’. There is no ‘right’ or ‘best way’ to move forward just be kind to yourself and take care 🌻

[Cheryl-2021 Volunteer]

Hey SammySeal

First of all well done for attending the creative writing group. It is very brave to join a group and write about what you experienced. I signed up for a ticket and missed the session and have been feeling rubbish about not attending.

I dont think it is something we are expected to 'get over' it is something that is always in the back of mind and the littlest things can bring it all back.

Also who's to say that what you have written isn't creative? Everyone is creative in their own way. I'm sure whatever you wrote would inspire someone. Take care of yourself and be proud that you attended and wasn't sat on the sofa like me forgetting to log in

Xx

[yougotthis1 Volunteer]

Hi SammySeal

Completely agree with what the others have already said on here.

I would add that it's human nature to feel inadequate at times and that others can do things like write "better" than you. I think that what you have written on this post in itself is a form of creative writing. You have just expressed exactly how you feel and that's what it's all about. For me, I find writing about my experience cathartic and whilst it brings up lots of emotions, I feel that it helps me to process those feelings instead of pushing them away

All of those feelings you've described are 100% and no you shouldn't be "over it" by now. What you've gone through is a trauma, and to me, it feels like grief, I am learning to live with it, the pain gets smaller but I don't think I will ever be over it.

I did a self-compassion therapy course and that helped me so much with some of the feelings you are describing, if therapy is something you might consider.

Take good care of yourself, you're doing amazing x

[Lilly53 Volunteer in reply to yougotthis1]

Hi yougotthisone. I recently had somewhat of a relapse (10 years after my first episode). My care coordinator has suggested I may benefit from self-compassion therapy. I’d not heard of it before. I’m glad to hear you found it so helpful.

[yougotthis1 Volunteer in reply to Lilly53]

Hi Lilly53 ,

Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time recently. Yeah I found it really helpful, I had always thought that being self-critical was the only way that I would achieve anything but turns out it's not the case! I was very cynical at first (my depression was pretty bad when I started) but with time and patience it really started to work. It really gave me some helpful tools to change my way of thinking, and hopefully it can help you too.

xxx

[SammySeal in reply to yougotthis1]

Hi both

It certainly sounds interesting, this compassion therapy. I'd not heard of it either. I just did a quick Google and found various online resources so will check them out.

Just wanted to share something I do at an online free mindfulness session I do called 'loving kindness meditation' where basically you picture someone or a pet that you have really uncomplicated loving feelings for, really feel your love for them, smile etc. Then think about yourself while holding on to that feeling and offer yourself the same loving kindness and good wishes.

This is who I do the free mindfulness with if you fancy trying it: indigolifecoaching.com/catc...

I haven't got on well with other mindfulness things I've tried, but I like these ones.

Sammy x

[SammySeal]

Thanks for the replies, they really helped

My youngest asked me what was the matter and I simply said that I'd done a story writing lesson and I was sad because my stories weren't as good as everyone else's. He hit the nail on the head by saying that everyone is good at different things and maybe I'm good and stuff others aren't good at - out of the mouths of babes!

What also got me out of the bad funk yesterday, which might help someone else who's having a bad day/hour/week:

Cup of tea

Went for a walk

Watched funny videos

Shared on here!

Shared what I'd written with my husband

Nice bath

Listening to music - first sad music to have a good cry and get it out, then happy music today.

Feeling much better about it/myself today, just surprised how hard it hit me yesterday.

Thanks guys. xx

[Hazello Volunteer in reply to SammySeal]

Hi SammySeal,

I can relate so much to what you've said!!! I was not available for this workshop but I went to last year's one. But also what you've written reminds me of something that happened several years ago, 2 creative friends of mine were going on a weekend retreat and invited me to join in. I am not known for being creative but have always wanted to be so thought I would give it a try.

I found it so hard and so stressful that when they were doing stuff I think at first I maybe procrastinated, reading or something. Eventually I sat down on my own to write and all I did was bawl my eyes out for the whole duration of the designated time.

I realised that I was actually much more depressed and anxious than I had been letting on (to myself). But also subsequently I've started to notice lots of things that indicate I might be neurodivergent. I now understand my brain a bit better since discovering that and I see that creative writing is maybe not the right outlet for me. The things that work for me are things that lift my mood and distract me, so exercise and singing. But everybody is different. I love that you worked your way through those feelings and you were able to tell us what helped.

You might find another outlet. Advice I got about writing once is start off just writing a diary every day, then it doesn't matter if it's poetic/ creative, it's only for you, but helps you to get comfortable with writing things down. Your confidence can build with time.

Hazello x

[SammySeal in reply to Hazello]

Hi Hazello

Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it! I love singing and exercising too, sometimes even at the same time We can't all be into everything I guess. What's odd is that I actually write for a big part of my job, just not particularly creative writing, more fact based.

Your trip with your creative friends sounds so stressful! Funnily enough, as my eldest is going through ASD referral and assessment at the moment, I recognise a lot of the traits in myself. Not enough to bother getting a diagnosis myself, but enough to maybe be a bit kinder to myself about my 'oddities' lol!

Thanks again and have a good week.

Sammy x

[Hazello Volunteer in reply to SammySeal]

Funny you write for your work so thought it would come easily. I'm similar, I did a degree in English literature and then worked in a role where I regularly wrote reports. When I tried to write an account of what happened to me during pp my creative friend read it and told me that it was very factual and sterile. I found that weird as factual and sterile is not how I talk!! But I suppose maybe because it was difficult to write I hid behind the facts, and also that's a style of writing I was used to doing every day for work.

I would love to be able to write creatively but I wonder if maybe doing a podcast or something better for me as I'm a big blether but have always procrastinated so badly when it comes to writing think it would just become a massive stress!

Anyway I love in this forum I often find people have said things that it feels like they're reading my mind and helps me feel so much better about the struggles I've had!

Hope the ASD assessment is going well, that's a big thing too. Definitely private message me if you want to chat ASD parenting as that is a constant challenge.

Hazello

Xx

[Hazello Volunteer in reply to Hazello]

Oh and singing while exercising, that's my favourite thing in the world! My dad got me up numerous mountains using that distraction.... X

[yougotthis1 Volunteer]

Hi SammySeal - that's great to hear, glad you're feeling better today.

He's so right, sounds like you have one amazing boy there

Thanks for sharing your advice, will bear those in mind next time I have one of those days

xx