Hello all. I'm sorry for writing so many posts, I just don't know where else to reach out.
My psychiatrist (with whom I do not have a good connection with and who makes inappropriate comments like "all women are unstable" and even remarks about my partner who has been amazing and supportive, things like "you're only together because of problems") has been reducing my quetiapine so I am now on 50 mg only. It has helped with my issue of night urination (woke up only once last night which is a big improvement). However, my PP was only 3.5 months ago so I feel this reduction is quite fast. On the other hand I feel that with every reduction I've felt more "real" (I had really bad depersonalization for weeks and it seems to be lifting). The other issue is that I am terribly depressed but the psychiatrist is waiting until January to put me on an antidepressant. In the meantime, I have found a new psychiatrist but don't have an appointment until the end of January. I was originally prescribed escitalopram by yet another psychiatrist who saw me as an out patient right after the hospital but when I switched to the current one, he told me I'm "not depressed" and not to take them. So, I have this box of antidepressants and I was thinking to just start taking them and see how it goes. Is that a bad idea? I have that new psychiatrist at the end of January and I thought this will help me survive until then.
At this point I feel more "real" than I've felt since the PP but in another way I feel only half alive if that makes any sense. I can, for example, sit in a cafe and drink a coffee as I did this morning and not have any strange thoughts or perceptions but I feel like a ghost. I look at the people around me and they all seem to be in another world, a world I wish I still inhabited. I literally feel jealous of everyone I see.. I wish I had their life, any other life, but mine.
I don't know what that feeling is. It doesn't seem like depersonalization anymore, is it the depression? I have no experience of depression from before so I don't know..
I feel this post is a bit all over the place. All I feel like doing during the day is browsing posts on here. I can't bring myself to do anything else. My baby is still being looked after by the nanny and at first I was trying to be more involved but now I feel like I don't even care anymore. My daughter is so excited to see the nanny and my mother and barely responds to me. I feel like if I disappeared it would be better for everyone..