Gender Disappointment

Up until the time we went for a private scan, the pregnancy was going fine.

It was when we found out the gender, things changed.

My wife reacted to having a boy very badly. We already have a daughter.

All my wife dreamed of was to have another girl, for our daughter to play with and have a best friend. Just like she did with her sister. (no other siblings).

Hope was still there as the private scan didnt show a perfect image of the goods, so she was hoping this week, at our 20 week scan, we might be one of those who were misinformed. That was her last hope and wish. That news did not come.

All she sees now is families with all girls. She hates the fact we are having a boy. To the fact she wishes the worst. The worst for both her and the baby.

We have spoken to the GP. They dont really care. They referred her for counselling, but the referral company rejected her - not enough capacity. We have gone private, but this isnt really working, as talking about it for her isnt right/helping.

We have tried to share / talk about this with the family, but it is causing arguments between us and her close family, to the point she now feels isolated from them. Its hard for them to hear what she is saying/wanting to do, just as hard as it is for me.

With her behaviour being so serious with the threat of suicide, I really dont know what to do.

She is ashamed she is having a boy. To the point, I am not allowed to tell anyone we are expecting. Neither are her parents allowed to share this joyous news.

I am there as a sponge to take all the shouting, anger and blame (yes I am to blame as I provided the sperm and gave her the boy she didnt want). I take it and try to comfort and support as best I can. I have a limit. I also know my wife has a limit and I fear we are nearly there.

We are now 20 weeks in and the road continues to look fragile and scary.

GP has provided anti depressants from today, but she refuses to take them.

She refuses to consider the positives. All rejections, whatever the option is.

Consideration to adopt when the baby is born has been thrown around this week and the choice to terminate a few weeks ago was rejected too. All the choices were given and I supported whatever avenue we went down, but when the clear choice to abort was declined, one would expect movement in the direction of accepting the situation. Not continue to fight and challenge something that no one can change.

18 years of not wanting/loving a son over a few days or a few months or more (who knows) of pain and possible regret to go down the termination route. (Its easier for me to say, as I don't have to go through it, but lets be clear as day here - if you don't want it, you have a choice in this country).

Please, I really don't know what to do or how else I can help her or what support I can get for her, any suggestions would be welcome at this stage.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hello Helpdaddy and welcome to the APP forum. I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time with your wife and her feelings around expecting a boy. Pregnancy is always hailed as some wonderful time and it’s hard when things aren’t that way isn’t it - not only for mums but also the whole family. It’s good you have reached out for help and I’m sorry to hear that the counselling isn’t helping . Also that the medication your GP has prescribed isn’t something that’s making a difference either, especially if your wife isn’t wanting to take medication.

We are a forum community of women and families affected by postpartum psychosis (PP) - a severe mental illness which happens to some women after giving birth. Has your wife experienced psychosis before or has it been something she’s been told she’s at risk of, if she has a bipolar or other diagnosis? I’ve had an episode of PP after my eldest was born and had inpatient and community treatment from mental health teams. I’m afraid I don’t have experience of the situation you are going through but I wonder if your GP or midwife can refer your wife for further support with your local perinatal team, if you are in the UK? There are also additional services starting for maternal mental health more widely - to support experiences around pregnancy which may also include the situation you describe. I’ll include some links here if that’s useful. It might also be something to ask your employer if they have any well-being support you can access, it must be a lot for you all.

I hope you can find support for your wife and yourself too. Wishing you all the best - take care, xx

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

These links might also be useful for more info and to share with your GP/ midwife:

england.nhs.uk/mental-healt...

england.nhs.uk/mental-healt...

[JoannaBrooks]

I had post partum psychosis after my first son was born. With my second, when I found out he was going to be another boy, I was really disappointed. As I had already dreamt of having a girl. Most women (def not all, mind you) would like to have a daughter, as they can share girly experiences/buy feminine clothes/ have that daughter relationship long term etc.

However, your wife already has a daughter, so I'm afraid I don't entirely get it. Sorry I don't think my reply will be helpful.

My sister hoped her second child would also be a daughter after her first born was a girl. Because me and her had a close girly relationship growing up. However, she gave birth to a boy. And I can tell you now she has been besotted with her son. They are closer and get on better than she does with her daughter (who she gets on great with) but I tell you a mother son relationship is so special. He is her pride and joy and is now 10.

The siblings get on great!!! They are so close. An older sister can be very protective of her brother. Sisters can fight like dogs. My sister and I used to. More competition too.

Tell her some people get no daughter at all. Some people get no child at all.

So I think your wife is being quite irrational.

Obviously I'm not a counsellor.

Perhaps she is just mentally ill. But when that beautiful boy comes into the world and as time passes, she will get so much joy from him.

What's wrong with having a boy anyway?? She needs to unpack that??

Boys are so loving. They are physically harder but so less complicated. Sorry I can't be of more help. I hope she eventually finds some peace, and your life gets a lot easier too.

[Hidden in reply to JoannaBrooks]

I hear you and have said the same to her. This is the situation I am in. Nothing gets through to her about the benefits that a boy will provide.

[JoannaBrooks]

perhaps don’t talk about it anymore with her. Doesn’t sound like you can change her mind. And I am sure things will change once the baby comes.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello Helpdaddy,

This sounds like a horrible situation for you to be in, I’m so sorry.

I don’t know much about gender disappointment though had a quick search and there are some stories and forum discussions online that may perhaps be helpful to look at, though I imagine you’ve probably already done this. I imagine it’s in part a grieving process for your wife, losing her dream, but it sounds very severe and very distressing for all involved.

I do hope the links Hannah shared are helpful - seeing a perinatal team sounds a very good idea to explore via your wife’s GP or midwife, do keep reaching out to get some help.

I do hope you can find some support and your wife comes to accept the pregnancy.

Best wishes,

Jenny