Hi,
I'm currently in a mbu. I am really struggling and this sounds awful but I don't want to look after my son with me or my daughter. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better but I'm so low atm it seems difficult to see a way out or any light. I feel guilty for the way I'm feeling 
This depression is worse than the psychosis, it's brutal. xxx
Hello Kitty12345,
Well done for writing about how you’re feeling. Please please don’t feel guilty for how you’re feeling. You’ve been poorly. I was too when I had Postpartum Psychosis six years ago now. It’s a horrid illness isn’t it, and just as you describe, for many of us the depression afterwards can be just as brutal or worse than the PP for some.
I wrote on this forum about six years ago, feeling very similar to how you are now. You can read all the replies I got here: healthunlocked.com/app-netw... , all were from women who have stood where you and I have and felt so sad.
What they told me, and what I feel fortunate to tell you is that what you’re feeling is temporary. It won’t always be this way. I know that’s no comfort right now, as I know that I just wanted to feel better. But you will get there.
Is there anything you could do in the MBU to help you distract yourself? Even small things? I was in Winchester MBU and whilst the garden (at that time) was a bit sorry for itself - also being the middle of winter; I would try and get outside and see the sky every day. I’d write what I was feeling sometimes. I’d write three good things down if I could every day. Even small things, like what I ate that day or that I managed to remember to do my washing. Someone tried to help me learn to knit. I still can’t knit! But it was a distraction from how awful I felt. I’d try and sleep myself better when I could. I took baths, something I’d rarely have time for at home. And whilst the group sessions were short with staff whilst I was in hospital I did manage to take part in a baby massage session with the staff, and attended a group session on our feelings, and talked to the other women if they / and I felt I could.
I know it’s so so hard. But you will get there. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. You have experienced a huge trauma last year, and just reading back I noticed that your baby was premature too. I hope they’re doing well now. That in of itself is a lot to go through. Be kind to yourself. It’ll all be ok. And do write here anytime.
Rachel xxx
Dear kitty 12345Thank you for reaching out, the depression after the fall out of the psychosis can feel brutal.. I know it doesn't help right now but you are not alone and this depression isn't permanent it will eventually subside.. during and the weeks after I had my psychosis I felt I couldn't look after my daughter.. I felt nothing.. some of it was from the treatment and experience from being on a general psychiatric hospital ward.. i had been in constant fear from the other patients and staff. When i got home..reunited with baby, I had many mixed feelings of guilt, anger a big one feeling it was babies fault and I was a bad mother for being unable to breast feed. I also felt overwhelmed by just getting up and looking after myself let alone a baby.. I still had the feelings I could harm/hurt her in the sense of dropping her... looking back there was serve anxiety though not diagnosed birth trauma, this had a large part to play in bonding... do you have a care worker who you trust and feel safe with, that you could talk to about how you feel... these are very normal feelings and are part of the healing, can you have someone with you when you look after your children so you can have little amounts of time together and build it up.. this is what my clinic did with me.. I feared being left with her on my own.. gradually with out me noticing the bond crept up on me and I was doing her more and more and one day I just cried and cried letting everything out for the first time since becoming unwell... all our journeys are different, though the path is very much the same, it is hard to just get through, but one step at a time..remember to be kind to yourself you have experienced a debilitating illness and it will take time , rest and sheer strength .. the will be good days and bad days.. but you will get there.. as my doctor once told me, when you have a mountain to climb, start by looking at the tiny grains of dust and work along that path, the journey then does feel so huge.. also my saying only look back to see how far you have come.
I hope this has helped a little, keep talking all your feelings have a valid point and with time you will understand a little more.
Take care xx
dear Kitty12345
Thank you for reaching out here, and for the update. I’m really glad you’re in the MBU but I’m sorry to hear how low you are feeling. It totally sucks, there is no two ways about it!
Some brilliant advice already from Rachel and Guinea1. I agree about trying to get outside if you can - even better if you’re allowed to push the pram around the hospital grounds, or even out to the shops.
Rest assured that the staff are all there to support you but also to ensure your baby is thriving. Maybe try and set yourself one or two achievable goals for baby care - for example if you’ve been given any nice new baby clothes then you could dress him up and take a few photos for the present giver?
Asides from that it is ok (strongly encouraged!) to simply rest and recuperate. Psychotic episodes are utterly exhausting, I don’t think people acknowledge that enough, and your body and brain need time and rest to recover. So no guilt please!
Sending you lots of best wishes for your recovery, and for a happy and healthy 2023
Kat x
Hello Kitty12345,
Thank you for reaching out and letting us know how you are doing . I am so sorry you are feeling low.
Try not to feel guilty about the way you are feeling. You have gone through Postpartum psychosis which takes a massive toll on our minds and body.
I can reassure you that this pain and low period will not last forever. You will feel joy and happiness again. Take strength from me I was in a similar situation that you are in two years ago ; I had severe post natal depression after the birth of my second child in an MBU, I remember not even wanting to look at him but not I love him so dearly and couldn’t imagine life without him.
Have you tried doing anything that you used to enjoy , perhaps that might help brighten your mood. I’m not sure what facilities they have there but the last MBU I went to had peer support workers who would come in and do fun activities or even take out a few mums depending on the staffing levels.
I’m here if you want to talk
Take care xx
I went through the same thing. I told my friend I didn’t want to be a mom. I had so much resentment toward my son. It’s terrible saying it out loud. Everyone wants to say it’s sunshine and rainbows but those beginning months are so hard! I symphatsize with you being in the thick of it.
I promise it does get better with time.
Advocate for yourself. I insisted on getting a med change. My psychiatrist kept wanting to up my dosage and I refused because I knew that those particular meds weren’t working. So don’t be afraid to ask for other options and don’t take no for answer.
But ultimately time is the answer. I had a very hard time feeling a bond with my son in the beginning. I believed he didn’t know I was mom bc I spent 2.5 weeks away from him. It was awful. I didn’t get to breastfeed because I lost my milk supply. I had an identity crisis. I never realized what a selfish person I was until I had a baby. It’s a hard transition!
But rest assured accepting my new role as a mom has been a blessing. I can’t picture my life with out my kids. My life truly didn’t have meaning until the birth of my son, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.
So long story short, think about requesting different meds and time heals everything.
Hello kitty12345
I’m sorry to hear you were really struggling when you posted. You have had some lovely replies. I think as mums we put pressure on ourselves to pick up where we left off, not realising how much we have been through, not only dealing with the aftermath of PP but crippling depression. It will stop you in your tracks but with the specialist care in the MBU you will eventually feel stronger. I had PP twice followed by severe depression years ago, before MBUs, but thankfully I recovered, as you will.
For now, lean on all the support around and don’t ever feel guilty about how you are feeling. I felt so much shame and carried unfounded guilt for years until by chance I found APP and all their wonderful support and friendship. At that time I was told it wasn’t my fault when PP and depression hit and I had no choice, which is true for you too.
So keep talking to your care team and being open about how you feel. They want to do their best for you and understand. There is always hope, just give yourself time to heal and rest.
Hi kitty12345
Just wondering how you are and whether you are still in the mbu. I hope the shared experiences here have been helpful. Perhaps you have been on home leave for a night or more as I did when I was readmitted to a psychiatric unit during recovery following severe depression after PP.
Wherever you are, take care.
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