Psychosis episode

[fluffy22]

Hi all. Coming out of a long post partum psychosis episode, trying my best to regain what was broken within my brain. Looking to just share to a place that has the same thing I went through. trying to be not hard on myself, and trying to slowly get out of the post partum depression and anxiety that came with it. Taking meds, trying to get the right dosage. I am grateful for this forum to have a place to share shared experiences. That alone gives someone hope when they feel lonely and alone.

[Seasky18 Volunteer]

Hi Fluffy 22

You're definitely not alone there are many of us here who have been through similar... I know I still feel very alone some days as it can feel that only someone else who has been through it can really understand. I hope you have some good people around you, I was stranded far away from my friends and family, the loneliness was crippling at times. Although I'm pretty much fully recovered now, I carry the memories of those experiences with me and am trying to embrace the positives of what I can give to the world. There are such lovely people on here... sending you virtual strength and hugs and hope you continue to find some comfort and support here x

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Hello Fluffy22,I’m so sorry you experienced PP. Its an awful illness isn’t it, we really do understand what you’re going through, you’re most welcome here.

I had PP back in 2016. I got really good treatment in a Mother and Baby Unit, but when I got home, it felt at times quite a long road to recovery. I really really struggled with anxiety and depression, and also had zero confidence having experienced such a trauma of the illness. It feels impossible to describe to someone who hasn’t had it, so it was a huge relief to me that I found this forum, just like you. I was really tough on myself, so I’m glad you’re striving not to be. You’ve been so very poorly, try to be the best cheer squad to yourself that you can be. You will get there.

I don’t know if you’re receiving support from Postpartum Support International at all, but the do have some peer support in Canada, where I noticed you’re based.

If you have any questions for any of the women here, do always feel you can ask. It can feel isolating recovering, I know I felt really lonely at times. So do know that we’re here for you. Write anytime.

So glad you’ve found us. Take care for now,

Rachel x

[fluffy22 in reply to Rachel_at_APP]

Hi Rachel,thank you for your reply and kindness it means alot. Yes Canada is where I live but right now I am on vacation to see my family in Kuwait. I miss my home in Canada as my family and my in laws kind if had a falling out, and I in no way want any drama, but it is what it is. People can be selfish and insensitive but I can only focus on myself and my own self care.

I will go back to Canada in August God willing, and I will try getting the help you described.

Thank you sending positivity your way

[amyfj Volunteer]

Hi Fluffy22,

You can share anything here without judgement and with support.

Repairing a broken brain in my experience (and I had PP and a long depression afterwards) is a slow process but the benefits are immense and can even lead to growth with the right guidance and attitude which I think you have.

Is there anything in particular you are struggling with at the mo?

Sending healing hugs,

Amy

[fluffy22 in reply to amyfj]

Hi Amy,

Yes sometimes I feel the brain broken part happen when things get a little complicated, like confusion or in a daze.

I just want to simplify everything in my life so my brain doesnt hurt itself. its like it took a giant beating and now i have to be gentle on it.

the people around me ofc cant feel exactly how I feel. but I am trying to let that go, and have reallt low expectations of others, as to not hurt my brain any further.

Taking care of my baby I would say after the psychosis part ended and now its just depression and anxiety, i dont know her schedule and she cries and kicks a lot, shes formula fed. so i guess my main thing is a lack of a bond with her because i skipped that part. and the formula made her a bit heavier and i am not that strong myself so its an effort to hold her

I am just taking it one day at a time. Trying to get out more, and balancing asking for help and trying things myself so I gain self confidence that I can do some things (like changing a diaper) but without hurting my brain (coping mechanisms maybe, low expectations, self compassion and self care)

[amyfj Volunteer in reply to fluffy22]

Hi fluffy22,

Thanks for your reply! I can completely empathise with you feeling that the bond is not as strong as it should be. I too gave my baby formula milk after having to go on meds and felt exactly the same as you.

But believe me you are doing a good job. The fact that you are expressing your concern for her is proof enough of that to me.

I also had struggles with the relatives and you're absolutely right you can't alter how other people perceive you. That's their domain.

The depression and anxiety is hard and I found it difficult to ascertain how much of that was being a new mother and how much was the illness. I guess we'll never know but know that I have a great bond with my daughter and it did take a long time to get well again but day by day is the way forward.

Do you have help from support workers in the childcare sphere such as health visitors? I found their support invaluable too to recognise my bond and I hope you can too.

Thinking of you and sending ❤

Amy

[fluffy22 in reply to amyfj]

Hi Amy,

Your words resonate so much and I am grateful for that.

The brain took a hit so I think (i dont know) its a mix between triggers, one being a new mom, and the illness. It’s just one jumbled up mess, and we are warriors everyone of us literally we go through so much to come out the other side. We have to give ourselves credit and avoid negative self talk which I think keeps me dwelling in the depression anxiety side of things.

I am just waiting for that moment where I feel a bond, trying my best to not be sad about it, as long as I am doing my part it shall come in due time. I am her mother and I believe it will come even if it isn’t at the moment.

I live in Canada but am on vacation visiting family in Kuwait, once I get back to Canada I made a promise to be as honest as I can with health professionals and postpartum specialized therapy, and get as much help as I can receive from there. I really want to stay on top of things and not let it grow.

Thank you for listening, sending positivity and love your way ❤️

[Emilyr123]

This really resonated with me. I had late onset PP last year and when I finally started coming out of it I had this overwhelming sense of feeling broken and wondering if I would ever heal and find myself again. Just wanted to give you hope that you absolutely will. You will regain what you feel you've lost. Sounds like you're doing all the right things. The right medication, kindness and patience with yourself. Also plenty of rest, good food, little steps back to doing the things that make you happy and just time will get you there. Have faith, you're not alone xxx

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Fluffy22,

Firstly, you are not alone. We have all gone through the same as you and I hope you find comfort reading this and others accounts of their journey/recovery.

Secondly, be kind to yourself. Recovery takes time and you will get through it "there's light at the end of the tunnel".

Thirdly, we are here for you. Feel free to reach out on this platform.

Thank you for sharing 💙

[Laneybug1710]

Hi fluffy22

I'm so glad you found this amazing forum. It has helped me so much in my ongoing recovery. Feel free to post honestly because you will receive such compassion and helpful advice, I certainly have.

I had pp 3 years ago and it does get easier with time. I hope you can find the same.

Take care

Ailania aka Irishgirl1710

[fluffy22]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I get anxiety when I have to be alone with the baby as she cries way too much for my own nervous system can handle. Because my husband and inlaws know her schedule well when I was not able to take care of myself to take care of a baby. I am trying not to be hard on myself.

And also what is saddening me is my side of the family made some drama with my husband and now they dont want to see each other.

I wish people would be more sensitive and know that things like that make me go backwards in recovery but hey I have been repeating I cant change others I can only change myself and enforce self care and such.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello fluffy22

It must be hard being far from your home in Canada and I hope when you return in August you will be able to find the help mentioned here, i.e Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net who offer support which might be local to you. It goes without saying that you are very welcome here at anytime.

I had PP many years ago followed by severe depression and anxiety, although I think I have always been a bit anxious. As mums we worry don’t we? Although I understand how depression and anxiety can be very draining. I often felt helpless and hopeless. At the time of my PP mental health was in the shadows so my parents warned my husband not to talk about it for fear I would be judged. So, years later I was so happy to find APP by chance and was comforted by the understanding and support here.

You have had some lovely shared experiences here. I wonder if you have seen the APP resource “PP Soup” described as a nourishing mix of all things Postpartum Psychosis at ppsoupdotcom.wordpress.com/ put together by a mum who suffered PP with input from other mums and professionals. Perhaps you might have time to check it out when you return but just thought I’d mention it as one of the shared experiences there is “Having a baby broke my brain”. So you might find it helpful and reassuring as well as other content there.

Take good care of yourself .... PP mums really are amazing! Good to meet you here across the miles.

[fluffy22 in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi Lilybeth,

Thank you for sharing, it definitely makes me feel welcome and a good thing for my mental health to talk to someone and people with shared experiences.

Yes in Canada I can definitely get more resources and be as honest as I can. I am grateful it isn't taboo there anymore.

Thank you for the website it is very nice.

I am starting to do poetry myself, it would be great if you could support me by just reading them It helps to get my feelings out in the form of poetry, especially when I am alone with racing thoughts. Here is the link to my poems: linktr.ee/fm2292

Much love.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello fluffy22

I’m glad you feel welcome and I also think it’s good to talk here and share our experiences.

Thank you for the link to your poetry. My internet connection is a bit hit and miss so I was only able to view for a short time but the poems were very well written.. I think it’s a very good outlet for your thoughts and feelings.

Unknown to me, until I read my notes some years ago, there was an entry from a nurse that I wrote poetry during my six months’ hospital confinement recovering from my first PP. It must have been a regular occurrence as the entry read “She’s writing poetry again” ...... again being in capital letters followed by a few exclamation marks. Unfortunately as I moved between three different psychiatric units my poetry wasn’t kept.

Under the frequently asked questions at app-network.org/what-is-pp/faq there’s a link to personal stories and a further collection which also includes poetry and art.

Keep taking one step at a time and don’t expect too much of yourself. It’s not easy coping with anxiety and depression.. Be kind to yourself and take care.

Thanks for writing .... we are all mothers of courage 💕