This is my fist time writing. I had my pp episode back in July. My psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with derealization/depersonalization disorder because I am struggling to get back to my daily life and I find it difficult to connect to anything. I keep saying that it feels like someone took me away from my life and put me in this alternate universe that looks like before but feels very different for me. I feel trapped and I just want to get back to my life before my pp episode.
Just wondering if anyone else had this diagnosis and feelings like this.
Susie
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Susie84
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I am sorry to hear that you had pp back in July this year, and that you have recently being diagnosed with derealization/depersonalization disorder.
I had pp 3 years ago and experienced derealization at the time, where the furniture in the room was physically changing in front of my eyes and I felt that I was not living in the real world but a simulation. It is a very scarring experience.
I am wondering what support do you have at the moment? Are you under a specialist perinatal team? If you are not already receiving counselling it may be an idea to ask for some therapy sessions to help talk through what you are feeling.
The first year after pp I did not quite felt like myself, it took time to come to terms with what happened to me, but counselling and medication did go a long way to help me come back to myself.
Take care and hope that things start feeling more positive.
I have my partner and my mom as my closest support. I have a psychiatrist and am seeing a psychologist also. I’m hoping that my team can help get me back to the old me. It’s just such a long process I feel. I know it takes time as I keep hearing but it’s so tough.
Wishing you happy holidays too. I am glad to hear you count with the support of your partner and your mum, that is so important, as well as seen a psychologist. Take it a day at a time so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming. You will feel better, I can assure you, the mums on this forum are a proof of that.
Hey dear Susie84 ! So sorry to hear that you had PP in July and that now you struggle with depersonalisation disorder.I didn’t have such an experience, but i had depression, insomnia and anxiety disorder after PP.
But what i came to realise, especially after reading many stories of many PP mums on this forum, that PP is such a traumatic experience itself - both biochemically and psychologically- that it’s very often that PP is followed by some kind of mental health disorder, and it’s likely it might be one of the reasons of why you experience depersonalisation in your case
And it takes time to heal, July is still very fresh.
And actually becoming a parent and then becoming a psychiatric patient at the same time indeed may seem like someone took your previous life from you and put you in alternative universe.
Does it seem like you are in alternative universe, like in a dream?
Or it’s more like you say it metaphorically that you don’t feel attached to your new universe ?
It took me about a year to move on emotionally a little bit with the trauma caused by PP.
by 1,5 years since PP i fixed my mental health and got off meds,
and only 2 years from PP i finally feel at home in my new universe. But i definitely don’t see la vie en rose anymore like i used to,
this old pre-PP universe is gone and didn’t come back yet.
But i hope it will change with time - what i learned from this forum is that every year adds up to this long and unique pp recovery healing journey.
It feels like an alternate universe, not metaphorically but it feels like I’m in a new place wherever I go. Even if I have been there a hundred times pre pp. Thanks for sharing some of your journey. I hope that you will one day be able to see la vie en rose again. I hope we both will.
oh, i’m so sorry to hear that Susie84 . i hope that your mental health team gives you enough of support and that they are experienced enough to guide you through this and provide you with suitable medication. x
Welcome to the APP support community, it's so good that you have reached out to us here.
I'm sorry to hear that you suffered from PP back in June. As others have said, things will be very fresh in your mind still and the experience of psychosis can be so intense that it really does feel like being transported to an alternate reality.
I also had PP after the birth of my daughter in 2005. I can really remember in that first year of recovery that it was difficult to "come down" from the intense experience of PP and also my medication sometimes made me feel quite numbed to the new reality around me.
As others have said in their replies, this is really early days in your recovery and it can take time to reintegrate into life as a mum with its daily challenges. I have found over time that my experience of psychosis has become fainter in my mind, and my story of PP feels much more like an integrated part of my life journey.
There are so many mums on here who can encourage you that you will make a good recovery, and that connection to life will come in time. Wishing you all the very best for this first Christmas, go gently and kindly with yourself as you recover.
I can relate to your experience. I had pp in February this year. I have a hard time connecting to everything the way I used to before. I don’t like the things I used to and dislike the things I used to like. It feels like this condition has permanently changed my personality. I’m still trying to come to terms with what happened and can’t believe that I lost control over myself to such an extent. I don’t know if this is due to the ect sessions or medications.
One thing that people notice around me is that I don’t get angry easily and not fighting back if someone says something nasty to me. I used to react strongly before pp to negative comments etc.
They say with time and newer memories you start feeling normal. I’m definitely feeling more like myself as time goes by. I guess we just need time to heal.
Thank you for your reply. This really is such a horrible illness. You are right about the time. I keep hearing it. Just wish I had more patience. It’s very draining. But I try and stay positive. Hope the holidays treat you well!
Hi SusieWelcome to the forum! Learning to cope again after pp is such a process, which can take time. My son will be 3 next year, my main struggle after pp has been anxiety and confidence issues. But it gets easier as more time passes. I hope it will for you as well.
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on the birth of your baby.
I am so sorry you feel like this especially at this time of year when everyone is joyful but you can’t feel it. Try not to rush to be well as it has only been a few months since your PP episode. I think as mums we expect to draw a line under our temporary illness and move on but recovery from such a traumatic time in our lives takes a while to get over.
I had PP many years ago and was without my first son for six months as I was in different mixed general psychiatric units. It’s good that you have a psychiatrist and psychologist supporting you as well as family. I wonder if you have seen the PP Insider Guide “Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis”at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... which has info and personal experiences on the page.
I have looked on the Mind website at mind.org.uk and found a page about dissociative disorders/depersonalisation which also might be helpful, although your psychiatrist has probably explained that it is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as a traumatic event, which PP definitely is! There is also a short YouTube clip on the page featuring people talking about such disorders.
Be kind to yourself and take care. Slowly but surely you will begin to feel better and eventually pick up where you left off. Thanks for sharing .... we are all here to listen and support you.
Just wondering if you can see the forum page with Related Posts at the side? There’s a post there from a few years ago “depersonalisation/derealisation” with replies which might be reassuring that you’re not alone. Wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and take care.
Thanks for pointing that out. It’s exactly how I’m feeling and so relevant. It helps to know I’m not alone. I just hope that some relief comes soon. So kind of you to point that out. Thanks again!
congratulations on your baby and finding this wonderful forum site. Mums are wonderful on here with varied lived experiences and it helps so much to listen to their perspective of lived experiences. You know, it was a life saver for me as I was running through a maze for 5 yrs after PPP. Remember this applied just to me as I have had additional mental health issues. Our foot print is all from different backgrounds, genealogical patterns and life styles!
Sometimes I take a break from the forum in order to reset my energy flow. I wonder how you are today?
I have had PPP in 2010. December is such a busy time & so is the emotional overload. However, I can not remember my first Christmas after PPP, even though I was back home for 2.5 months after being sectioned in August 2010...
As mentioned above by other mums in their own words, -your body, mind and soul needs plenty of nourishment on various levels contributing to a period of healing. We are all recovering differently.
In the mixed Psychiatric hospital I was misdiagnosed with a personality disorder initially and was administered inappropriate meds. In the after care I was additionally identified as somebody with agora and social phobia by my GP, and lived with those labels for quite a few years until 2018, where my partner and I received 2 consultations by a Professor from Cardiff Uni, whose diagnosis was BP1.
I guess what I want to say PPP is such a traumatising experience for all mums and loved ones. Allow yourself a bit of me-time and hope you have established a support network of the ones which you can and want to trust, whether friends, family members and additional health professionals within your mental health community.
Wishing you a happy new year dearest Susie84. Take good care and hope you will have more relief and being supported with goal posts and stepping stones by health professionals and loved ones. Much love and kindness x
Just wondering how you are and hope your care team have an ongoing care plan for you.
I thought of another resource which might be helpful, “PP Soup” described as ‘a nourishing mix of all things Postpartum Psychosis’ put together by a lovely mum who suffered PP with input from other mums and professionals, at ppsoupdotcom.wordpress.com/. There is also a radio documentary there featuring mums sharing their experiences but do take care listening as some are quite distressing.
Thanks Lilybeth. I’m doing okay. Still not great but trying everyday. I have an appt with my psychiatrist this week so hopefully we can try something new that might help. I’m open to anything at this point. Thank you for sharing the blog. I’ll definitely check it out.
Good to hear you’re doing okay ... some days are better than others aren’t they? I hope your appointment goes well next week and your psychiatrist can make a plan for your ongoing care. I found it helpful to write my questions down before we met as I used to get anxious in front of professionals and couldn’t remember what I wanted to know.
It’s not easy coping with routine when you’re not feeling well so be gentle with yourself. It probably doesn’t feel like it at the moment but PP is a temporary illness and at times recovery is up and down but you will eventually feel better.
Just wondering how you are and whether the appointment with your psychiatrist was helpful. It took me a while to find my place again after PP and depression hit. So please be kind to yourself as recovery takes time.
No relief yet. We did a med change but that’s not working. They are going to refer me to neurology to see if there is anything they can do for me. I’m just patiently waiting for something to work. Thanks for checking in.
Thanks so much for taking time out to reply. I’m so sorry to hear the med change is not working and there’s no relief for you yet, that must be so tiring. I hope referral to neurology might be helpful in finding something that works for you.
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