Evening, I don’t really know where or how to start if I’m honest so I’m just going to write what comes in to my mind as I go..
so I’m sure you’re all aware of my previous posts over the last few weeks & undoubtedly it’s been a very hard time for me & my family & if I’m honest I thought I had it all under control & was coping very well & to some extent I was (or thought)
I’m finding lately my anxiety & over thinking of the worst case scenario is immense & no coping methods seem to be taking the edge off, I feel I can’t really open up to my family as truth be told I don’t really know how or what to say.. as I know it’s all in my head & I’m not what my mind is convincing me I am, it was my birthday on the 3rd of this month & although I had a lovely day surrounded by my family & children I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts & thinking.. Every beautiful meaningful card & birthday wish I received I believed I wasn’t worthy of & my sister said I’m kind, beautiful, caring & all my head was telling me was ‘it’s all lies you ain’t what she is saying you are, you’re vile & you’re a monster for the awful dark thoughts you’re having, you deserve nothing’
I’m struggling at the moment to see & remember my worth & just how strong I am, I feel like I’m heading down that dark tunnel again but this time the light seems much harder to see & find the way out..
I feel like my children’s father may take my children away from me for confiding in him as to how I’m feeling, like he’s waiting for the prime opportunity to see me fall as a mother & swoop down on me like a vulture, all for power..
I can’t seem to fully allow my mind to rest & switch off, I’m finding dealing with my children day in day out so overwhelming & I’m slowly drowning in the responsibilities & pressure that comes with motherhood.. I feel my children deserve far better that me, I’m no good to them the way I’m feeling, I love them dearly & they really are the only main reason as to why I’m still here, as I know how I’m feeling is temporary & it will get better as it the darkness doesn’t last forever, I’m short tempered, irritable, & longing to just be me, be by myself & have a duvet day with my fave movies & snacks & not have little sticky hands tugging away at me for this or that.. I feel like the only time I don’t feel how I do is when I’m asleep on a night as it’s the only time I belong to myself with no one depending on me for their basic needs/wants.. I’m sorry for rambling on so much it’s lovely for me to feel I have this forum to express my thoughts & feelings without any judgement but be met with such kindness & support & it’s those replies I take such comfort in so I do Thankyou all 🥰
Anyone else felt this way? Is this something I should speak to my GP about?