I posted on here a few times earlier this year. I had an MBU admission (after one last summer) but it was really far from home as no local beds, and so I felt very homesick. So, I was discharged a couple of weeks ago as I wasn’t getting the benefit of being there.
I’m taking Lamotragine to help stabilise my moods - I get these real low moods that feel unbearable. It will be another few weeks until it is at a therapeutic dose as it is a drug you need to increase very slowly. Writing that down it doesn’t seem like that long but it feels like an eternity. I’m scared it won’t work even when it is at the full dose.
I’m feeling so low and depressed, despondent. I’ve been having these severe depressive states since last September and I feel so worn down and exhausted. And my partner has been my rock, but it is such a burden on him. He works at home and I find myself going to him more often than I should to cry and hug.
I’m just feeling so low. This is so much worse than the psychosis itself, and has been going on since last September.
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MotherOfBears
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I am so sorry to read that you have been struggling with depression for a while now. Feeling low in energy is very disruptive specially when you have little ones demanding time and attention.
I am sorry that the stay in the MBU did not pan out so well, being far from home is difficult specially as you have your older child to take into account. I am wondering if you were able to access some therapy sessions while you were an impatient and whether those can continue for you after discharge? Perhaps through the local perinatal team? Talking therapy was helpful for me, it may not be the same for everyone but perhaps something to try out at the same time as the medication?
You spoke about planning your day a while ago and how being out of the house was helpful. I know the weather is not helping too much recently but hopefully it will change very soon. My health visitor was an useful source of information for activities and groups in the area, I am sure you have tapped into that already. I also used an app (I think it is called happity or something similar) to find local baby and toddler classes. When I had depression after pp it was hardest for me to gather the energy to go on my own. Thankfully a friend dragged me to yoga every week and that made a difference. Do you have someone that can come with you to classes and such?
I hope that you start seeing a difference soon with the increments of medication. Managing the lows is not an easy feat so do praise yourself for making it out of bed, or putting your hair up in a bun, or having a shower. Those are stepping stones and progress in your recovery.
Take really good care, we are here for when you need us
I really feel for you. I’ve been there, and it is truly awful. As you say, it’s worse even than the psychosis itself.
It’s good you have your husband there for you, for hugs and cries - that’s exactly what he’s for in these desperate times! Please don’t ever feel bad for needing that. You deserve so much love, care and compassion.
Do you have much follow up by way of therapy? I hope so. Having a space just for yourself to talk about things, come to terms with what happened, and develop practical coping skills going forward, is so important. I neglected that aspect of recovery i think - I wish I had paid it more mind.
Please keep reaching out here as much as you need - we are all here for you, and we are all rooting for you and your recovery. You are doing so incredibly well already!
thanks KatG and EmiMum, it really helps to read your messages and to hear that others have experienced the same as me and come through it. I honestly feel sometimes that I’ll never recover, that this is just me now.
It’s so hard to keep on with the daily tasks of being a mum to my older son and baby. My partner does so much - cooking, school runs, mornings - but even then it feels overwhelming.
I don’t know… sometimes I just feel like I need reassurance that I can get well again. I spend a lot of time googling about Lamotragine looking for some sort and f reassurance or hope
I’m glad the sharing of experiences here is helpful - I really love this community.
It sounds like you set yourself some pretty high standards - there’s no research on this I don’t think but sometimes I wonder if there’s a link between postnatal mental illness and expectations… I was like this, feeling like I had failed so badly having not had the birth or postnatal experience I had set my mind on! Honestly, if your kids are fed and tucked into bed at the end of the day I would call that a win! Marriage is for sickness and health, and I’m certain your husband just wants to do whatever he can to help you. I’m sure if the situation was somehow reversed you wouldn’t hesitate to do things for him!
Celebrate getting through each day, as it brings you ever closer to feeling more like your old self again. I understand the doubts, I really do, but you WILL get there.
Have you got anything nice planned for this evening? Something for yourself, or for you and your other half together?
I am so sorry you have been feeling low since last September.
I can totally relate and know where you are coming from , as I had severe post natal depression after my second born . I can reassure it does get better , better days will come as hard as it may feel as though there’s a dark cloud over your head ; Try and find that sunshine that brings you joy .
Have you tried writing down things that make you happy , each day try and do one of those joyful things , it may help give you a mood boost in a positive manner .
Do you like exercise ? I find workout helps me to release endorphins. No pressure if you don’t have the energy for it .
Lastly , maybe talk your gp or perinatal team if they can refer you for CBT or tweak the medication xx
I can definitely relate to how you feel. I'm realising recently my depression was worse than the psychosis.
I was able to access CBT last year and it made a massive difference. I also go to a local mums support group, perhaps there might be similar in your area?
Celebrate little wins and positives and be kind to yourself.
I’m having a really bad day again. I did manage to get up and showered, even loaded the dishwasher and I was a little hopeful that it might be an OK day. But have found myself this afternoon crying and in so much pain.
It’s hard to accept that there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.
My husband had two weeks off work and things felt much easier, now he is back at work and I am in this hole again.
Sorry I’m just repeating myself, I just don’t know how to cope when I feel this low
I am so sorry you are having a bad day today. A good cry sometimes is what your body needs to relieve the stress that you are feeling, so don't feel too bad about it.
I think we give ourselves tasks sometimes to prove to ourselves that we are getting there, but recovery is up and down and sometimes flattens out. That still doesn't mean you are not going to get there, for sure you will but you simply have too much on your plate at the moment and can do with going at a slower pace. I used to hang around with my brother and my mum or my in laws all through my maternity leave, and at the time I did not have the added pressure of a second child. Can a friend or family member come over and keep you company for some days of the week? Sometimes a chat while doing pick up can make the world of difference. Needing others is not a sign of weakness is a sign of strength as you would be doing exactly the same for your partner or a dear friend if the roles were reversed.
Take good care MotherOfBears, you are such a strong and amazing mum. Will be thinking of you
I’m so sorry to read that you are having a really bad day again. It sounds as if the morning was positive as you got up and showered ... so that’s something to be proud of as it was something I couldn’t face when I had severe depression twice following PP.
Sometimes crying is a stress release but if you are in physical pain I hope your community team are supporting you.
A few months ago you talked about your consultant saying you were bipolar 1 automatically and since you were discharged in 2022 you have been having mood cycles. In that thread KatG mentioned that the charity BipolarUK ran a great series on moods and hormones, which were recorded and the link given as bipolaruk.org/blog/women-an.... So I wonder if perhaps revisiting this might be helpful? I do understand that bipolar depression is very very challenging and I was fortunate.
My first son was six when our second was born so I relied very much on my husband. I can remember being worried about coping after his few weeks’ leave finished. Do you have family or friends who might help when your husband’s at work? Try not to be hard on yourself, it’s not easy for you. I hope your GP and community team are supporting you with reviews of your medication and well being.
We are all in that hole with you until you find the strength to push up and out into the light. Take very good care of yourself ... one step at a time 🌻
such great responses above, including all those links.
No doubt, meds will kick in eventually. I started taking CBD in 2018 and it took a couple of months till absorbed in the system. Finally I could sleep again properly after 7 long years of night walking and painting.
Even though my lows are Bipolar based I can share great compassion. The pain is uncontrollable. In my case there is often no reason to be upset, it is just there. You will be able to manage your triggers so much better and find some coping mechanisms, which works for you and your unique needs. Healing just takes a lot of patients and time.
When struggling I keep very much to my therapeutic routines such as sleep, diet, yoga and meditation, walking the dog and learning or volunteering. I am fine today, but I often like to write creatively when poorly.
Thank you for checking back in 🙂. I want to post on here as well, in case other women experience the same as me, I want to give some hope.
I’ve had a better few days, still low but not as severe. And have had some brighter moments in amongst it all. I even felt okay enough to go for a run this morning (I am most certainly not the running type but I find it has an instant effect on my mood).
I’m now up to 150mg of the Lamotrigine. I’ve read the therapeutic dose is 200 to 400mg, so I am inching closer. I am even a bit hopeful that the L might start to work a bit already, even if not fully. I am trying to have some hope and some faith that brighter days are on their way.
One thing I am feeling in my low moments is quite beaten down by it. Its like I don’t have much left in me to fight it anymore, it’s been going on for months now. I have also noticed that when I am feeling good, I am really scared of the lows and find it hard to enjoy them. It’s like I’m a bit traumatised by the whole experience. Can anyone else relate to this?
You are being so strong, trying to cope with family life and being on medication. It’s good that your husband is with you, working from home, when you need a bit of reassurance. Hold onto those brighter moments, like running this morning, so you can see you are going in the right direction. Perhaps even keeping a note of even one thing that has made you feel hopeful.
I felt sad to read that you are a bit traumatised by the whole experience and feel beaten down. I can relate to how you feel. Depression is so draining isn’t it? For me it felt never ending with days of feeling helpless and hopeless. Then when I felt a bit brighter it was as if I couldn’t quite believe it and was somehow waiting to go down again. After a while the good days far outweighed the not so good and I hope this is how it will be for you.
I found music was a distraction for me and one day in a shoe shop I heard a song by Sounds of Blackness “I’m going all the way” and the lyrics described just how I felt ..... “Whatever it takes to make it, I’m going all the way .... I may be down sometimes but I won’t be down always .....” It’s still on YouTube if you would like to listen.
Faith and hope is everything in low moments and we really are all with you. Be kind to yourself and take care. 🌻
I'm sorry it's been an awful day again today. Recovery can be so very up and down and I'm sure the bad days feel like such a blow after a better one, but hang in there - there will be more and more good days and gradually that balance will tip...
Keep reaching out and taking it a day at a time. We're all here to listen and support you through this. I think Lilybeth's suggestion of keeping a note of the positive moments is a really good one, the dark times do tend to overshadow everything else don't they but remember those glimmers are there and will shine through.
I’m sorry too that you had an awful day today and I hope you are resting tonight. Recovery is very up and down as you might have read in the “Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis” guide at app-network.org/what-is-pp/.... Some days it’s not easy to lift yourself out of the depths of depression so try not to be hard on yourself if today wasn’t as good as yesterday. It’s not easy to ‘get up and go’ everyday.
I was reading some of your other threads and wonder if you have a definitive diagnosis of bipolar? If so, I imagine it’s even more of a challenge in your recovery as there are other mothers of courage like you here. Are you having visits from the perinatal care team so that you can tell it like it is?
Also perhaps when your son returns from school, to quell your anxiety it might be an idea to watch a children’s film together at some point, all tucked up under a duvet on the sofa together? Try not worry that the house is not as tidy as it is usually, this will just add to your stress.
For now, take things step by step, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be well. You are doing your best under that cloud of depression so please hold onto hope. We are all here to listen and privileged to share your experience. Take good care of yourself. 🌹
I am sorry these days have been so hard, how is it going with the community team? Do you have visits from the nurse with some frequency? I did find that journaling helped me while I was going through the depression, it was encouraging to read back and slowly seeing how the better days were becoming more frequent in my week. Are you having some talking therapy?
It can be an uphill struggle so be kind to yourself and lean on all the support around you. Even getting out of bed was an achievement for me on low days. I hope the personal stories here and on the page of the link I gave last night will keep you strong and hopeful. We are here .... take care 🌻
hi MotherOfBears - just wanted to check in with you - I’m so glad the forum is helping. It is definitely an uphill and convoluted struggle, getting out of that pit! The trick is to keep going. Not easy but you are doing all the right things!! Hope you’ve had an easier day today. Here’s a photo of some honey buns I made tonight - baking is definitely part of my self care regime!!
yesterday was quite good, and so has today been… so I am holding out hope for the weekend (I don’t find it very easy to have hope but I’m trying to be more positive in my thoughts).
Another good day on Friday and today so far has been okay- not great but not down in a total pit. I hope it’s okay to keep posting updates, although I’m not saying very much, I find it comforting somehow.
I’m going to make myself go for another run as well - my (perhaps not very inspiring) motto is “hate running, hate depression more”
I don’t know, I still find it hard to have courage, to feel hopeful, to keep going through each day
Lovely to read that posting updates is somehow comforting to you. I think it’s a good way of keeping track of how you are feeling.
Please be proud of yourself ... you have so much courage to keep going each day. These days my rebuke to PP and depression is “I’m still standing” by Elton John, with lyrics such as “ ..... looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid” and “ .... picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind .... I’m still standing!” Just anything to get you through the day really. The video to the song on YouTube was filmed in Cannes where the sun is shining, so that gives me a lift too.
I love the gardening. I’m going to go for another run today! Fear is still there, especially as I’ve had a good few days, and so it feels like I’m “due” a bad few days. But maybe that is not true - I’m now at a higher dose of my mood stabiliser, maybe it’s actually starting to work.
I haven’t had the bipolar “switch” this time - in the past I’ve gone from being in total desperation to feeling absolutely fine in a couple of days. So this thing of looking for a gradual improvement is new to me. My care coordinator (nurse) said that maybe that is the mood stabiliser working - ad perhaps I’m levelling out. Which of course would be a good thing, but I do miss the feeling right as rain all of a sudden. I’m coming to terms with the reality of what recovery will look like, it will still be a long road but maybe now I’m at least moving forward
Great determination MotherofBears to keep running against your fears! Hopefully the new dose of meds is beginning to work as your nurse said ..... I walk fast a lot instead of running now and find chair yoga, via YouTube, very calming 🌻
Just wondering how you have been today? Take things at your own pace and don’t stress if you don’t feel like running everyday ..... no pressure. I hope you sleep well. 🌻
I’ve gradually had improving days over the last week, and yesterday and today so far have been “symptom free”. So, I am into a good patch. Reassuringly, I didn’t have a rapid “bipolar switch” this time - it was more of a gradual improvement. Which bodes well and could be a sign that the Lamotrigine is working. It will be a few weeks until we know, as my pattern has been a couple of weeks feeling well and the a rapid switch to depression and vice versa.
I’m trying to avoid “magical thinking” about holding hope. So, there is an illogical belief that it’s dangerous to hope, that if I say “I think there’s a really good chance the Lamotrigine will work” that it will “jinx it”. I’m trying to ignore that, and have hope, have courage. And as a wise person said on this forum… Every day is one day closer to recovery and that is my motto
Dear MotherOfBears - it’s great to read your update. That really does sound very promising, particularly around how stable your mood is right now. Blooming fantastic!
Wishing you a relaxing and happy weekend - hope you’ve got things to look forward to. I’m going for a (very cold and probably ill-advised!!) sea swim in Brighton tomorrow morning. A friend has organised it for International Women’s Day and I think almost 500 of us are due to attend! Yikes.
Oh wow good luck with the swim! After you posted the picture of the honey buns you had baked, it prompted me to do some baking. I made a loaf cake with my eldest son.
I don’t think I’ll be copying your swimming though, you are made of strong stuff x
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Difficult decision. What would you do? 
my wife has very bad pp and i endup to look after our 3 kids on my own really really confused
32 weeks pregnant and really struggling
Feeling really low
Daughter still in mental health unit..
