I had a stay at an MBU this summer with postnatal psychosis and received a new diagnosis of bipolar. Since then I have had ups and downs, and am under the care of the perinatal mental health team.
Right now, I’m in an awful low. I feel so depressed that getting out of bed feels so hard, I cry all the time, don’t want to do anything. It feels like mental agony. The thought of picking my son up from school and getting dinner feels utterly overwhelming. My partner has taken a couple of days off work to help, and looks after everything he can in the mornings and evenings, but he needs to be back at work really.
I suppose I need to find some hope and comfort from other people who have been through this. I know this will pass but I can’t imagine it at the moment. I’m just telling myself I need to survive each day or each hour, one thing at a time.
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MotherOfBears
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Thanks for your post. It’s great that you can reach out to this fab community of people who have been there!
My daughter is 10 now but I experienced PP and then a massive dip afterwards. I struggled to get up in the mornings feeling a massive dread and every little task was overwhelming. But it does get better.
You are absolutely doing all the right things by trying and getting support from your partner and just taking it hour by hour. I was in such a dark place I thought I would never get better but with time and reaching out for help I did.
I hope this gives you hope and if you have any questions please fire away!
I am sorry to read you are in such a low at the moment. I feel for you as this uncontrolable crying is so draining on its own, but the lack of energy and hope is very hard to deal with. Depression stops me on my tracks. I had it after psychosis 4 years ago and it was brutal, I was not able to make a single decision and dreaded the things that I was able to do without a second thought before. It is temporary and it will pass. Some things helped me, I list them in no particular order:
- talking therapy,
- exercise,
- giving myself a goal for the day, I started really small, like doing 10 mins of yoga following a video, having a shower in the morning, doing some meditation or mindfulness in the evening. Try and keep the focus on yourself, if you like to do something like cooking, let the motivation be the pleasure that you get from cooking rather than feeding the family.
- medication
- support from friends and family
It is really good that you recognized you needed the help and your partner was able to step in the last few days. If you were recovering from surgery he would be doing the same now, drawing the parallel with the physical side helps to put things in context sometimes.
Do you get regular visits from the CPN and have you been able to talk to her about your recent mood?
Hello MotherOfBears,So sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I had PP, went to MBU and then bipolar diagnosis.
How often are the perinatal team seeing you? You sound like you need as much support as possible. Please let them know how you are.
Do you have anyone else around other than your partner to speak to and keep you company?
Do you have a son at school and a young baby to care for? I couldn't manage a young baby and prepare a dinner, I doubt many new mothers can.
Please keep us all updated. Taking every day, hour, task - one at a time sounds like a plan to get yourself through. Thinking of you, lots of love. Please seek more professional medical support if you are really struggling.
Just wanted to write to try and give you some hope that this will pass and you will start to feel better. Depression is an absolute hellhole of a place to be but it’s not a permanent state (thankfully!!). I too had a long bout of depression after being in the MBU and tbh it was probably harder to recover from that than the actual psychosis. But as others have said you will hopefully find some glimmers of hope and these glimmers will slowly get bigger and bigger until you start to feel a little more human again. I guess if I can give you one piece of advice it’s to be super compassionate to yourself. Reduce stress as much as possible - even if you have to say No to people! Get through the days. Little wins. Writing how you feel on the forum here is brilliant. You sound incredibly insightful which is amazing. You got this.
Thank you everyone. The hardest part of the day is when my son is home from school and I have both kids. Also, not surprisingly the house is an upside down mess. It doesn’t feel like a nice environment to be in, it really gets me down.
I don’t know, it’s like I know it will pass but I can barely handle an afternoon feeling like this, let alone the thought that I will feel like this if or weeks or even months.
I’m afraid recovery for me took a while though I started to see some chinks of light at the end of the tunnel after trying several treatments whilst an inpatient at an mbu.
Are you in contact with healthcare professionals who can facilitate you accessing help?
I’d like to say different but for me it was quite a long process to get out of the hole but I got there in the end and more!
yep, I do agree with KatG, the lows are extremely nagging, tough, painful, where one feels down in the dump, totally useless and confidence has vanished into a gully. It is difficult to describe BP depression. I somehow feel that they are different to depression, those once which quite a few mums have described on here when they were recovering from PPP.
We are all so different when experiencing recovery of PPP and then having to cope with a possible new MH diagnosis.
My lows are, because of the excessive highs, when coming down I suffer with
- exhaustion
- lack of concentration
- daily routines are very difficult to accomplish
- get easily triggered
- difficulties to communicate
Those once are once a month for one week, 2 weeks hyper, one week levelled out but this can vary due to influential factors...it takes a while to work out once own routine. In addition other life factors such as your hormones may come into play with mood swings.
The following are the things which help me when feeling low and poorly as you described in your case;
- I try to keep to a routine
- I do not arrange any appointments, where I know they may could stress me out, in fact reducing stressors throughout a down time is essential for my health and well being
- I have to be in contact with nature and exercise; I walk the neighbour's dog or gardening (I walked a lot when my boy was a toddler/swimming we did a lot when he was growing up and other outdoor activities)
- I use aroma therapy, especially when relaxing...I have to take more breaks than usual and focus on my needs, I often have to take a Siesta
- Like many other women I do Yoga, when low I really have to force myself...I meditate daily, usually twice a day
- I pursue activities, which make me happy, when low...I used to do always art with my son and recorded tons of our actions, indoors and outdoors...for me still nowadays creativity is such a healer and therapeutic
- I tend to isolate myself and therefore make sure I communicate with those who understand, who are kind and show love and compassion
- reach out to professional health care and community and APP ...throughout the years there were many health workers I could reach out to, but also within the community such as courses, play groups, therapies etc... (care coordinator, Psychiatrist, health visitor, GP) still nowadays I am in touch with my former care coordinator, who helps me out when I need to use MH services) It is OK to ask for help...
-journalising and mood tracking
These are just some examples, remember your needs maybe of a different kind, - all at your own pace and depending on your circumstances.
Wishing you health and happiness...you will get there, you will figure out your own needs and create a template for balancing your health and well being.
I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I had pp and was in a psychiatric ward over the summer as my baby boy was born prematurely and he was in SCBU. I'm now going through a massive dip which is almost worse than the pp. I dread waking up each morning as each task feels overwhelming. I could be at an MBU but I have another child who is older and don't want to leave her or change a good routine of sleep for my son. I can totally relate but reading the messages of hope from others has helped me. Not sure if we can private message but if you want to chat more let me know. We can get through this. I know how hard it is xxx
I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time too at the moment, I'm glad that reading the messages from others has helped - one little step at a time, lean on all the support you can, be really gentle on yourself, you can get through this.
I am so sorry to hear you experienced postnatal psychosis. Depression is not easy but I promise you there will hopefully be light at the end of tunnel .
Try and take each day as it comes , starting off by completing simple tasks , perhaps having a journal where you can note and tick of these little accomplishments ; This could possibly boost your mood and you may start to feel more uplifted . Another thing is maybe going out for a walk , walking is a great tool to clear our minds.
Hi MotherOfBears,I can totally relate to the things you are going through. I had ppp in 2013 and was sectioned and taken to a psychiatric hospital were I stayed with out my baby for 4 weeks. This happened 2 days before Christmas, so I missed my daughters 1st Christmas. It STILL gets me every time around this time of year.
I also suffer with bad depression dips where I feel I'm in a deep deep black hole and can't seem to get out.
I have these dips every now & then and am learning to take more time for myself and take each day one bit at a time. BUT it's so hard when you're down that black hole. If you ever need a chat, I'm always on here.
thanks everyone. I know it will end, but it just feels unbearable to be in this place. I just want to feel normal again.
Struggling as well with the after school period, as feel overwhelmed with the tasks that need to happen. And. Find it so hard to find anything within myself to play and engage with my eldest. I feel like our bond is really slipping.
I keep fantasising about a readmission to an MBU. I’m not severe enough, and out local one is closed for refurb. But it is just a fantasy of being able to get off the wheel for a bit, you know? To not have to worry about the day to day
how long did other people’s depressions last after PP? Six months on and I have been hit hard, initially a bit milder/moderate but for the past three weeks it has been really bad
Sorry to hear hear these last three weeks have been bad
My depression after PP lasted about 4 months , then again everyone is experience is different 💚
Some mums depression state can last a few months some even weeks. To be fair sometimes it can depend on the side effects of the medication or how long it can take for it to kick in .
Thanks everyone. Met with a psychologist yesterday, we developed a routine to help get me going in the morning.
A bit scared though as she said that usually a post PPP depression would be sooner than I am having, so maybe this is “normal” or postpartum depression (my phrase).
I don’t feel like I can tolerate this for weeks and months
Glad you have managed to meet with a psychologist and develop a routine, that is a positive start !
Try not to worry, I know it is easier said than done but you are on the right track once that routine is established, the depression state will begin to fade away, you will hopefully feel like your old self again.
Routine, is something that helped me greatly in recovery period after PP it felt like my mind was back together, kind of like putting a puzzle together :-).
I’m glad you’ve met with your psychologist and developed a helpful routine together - well done!!
I would try not to get too worried about labelling what you’re experiencing, either way. Whether it is technically post-PP depression or “standard” (if such a thing exists!) depression it is what it is and you should be encouraged to do whatever it is you think you need. Either way, recovery is absolutely around the corner - and you have a great mindset to help you get there all the sooner. Be kind to yourself, be patient, but keep that recovery mindset and you will get there!
again, thanks everyone. Today was a good day, I had some activities planned in and it made a big difference. Staying at home with a baby and school age child can get lonely, I find when I am out and have an activity m mood is much lighter
You are welcome , glad to hear you had a good day ! That’s great news , see having things planned throughout the day really helps and boost your mood automatically I hope it continues Motherofbears.
I agree with you that last part , I remember when I wasn’t working and was at home with my baby and 6 year old , some days would literally drag and some days where cool . Guess what it never lasts forever , hopefully when the weather gets better you could find a local playgroup to go and socialise with other mums or take strolls in the park with a nice drink .
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but this can vary due to influential factors...it takes a while to work out once own routine. In addition other life factors such as your hormones may come into play with mood swings.
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