Recovery

[Tiwe]

After suffering form ppp i lost myself.i wonder if it is possible to regain myself.everyday I feel as though am from a deep sleep.i work well when there is sunshine dull when there is none.

[hgallo Volunteer]

Hi Tiwe, welcome to the forum. I had PP back in 2016 and spent 9 weeks in an MBU with my twin girls. I'd certainly say for me it's been a long, and often bumpy, road to recovery. You're still in the early stages really and I can imagine it's still very raw for you. Take things day by day and try to build yourself up again gradually.

Are there things you enjoyed doing before you had PP? Maybe art, baking or exercise just as an idea, I find yoga quite good for calming my mind. You'll get there, I know it's difficult to see that now, but time can be a great healer too. Be kind to yourself and take care.

[Tiwe in reply to hgallo]

I had panic attacks which resulted in intense fear of sleeping..I couldn't sleep for 3 days then lost my mind.i have never felt the same since then.thank you so much

[hgallo Volunteer in reply to Tiwe]

No problem at all Tiwe. I also experienced an inability to sleep when I had PP. It definitely does take take time to regain your sense of self again. You've survived a really serious mental illness though so give yourself credit for that and take small steps, x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Tiwe

Welcome to the forum where you will find lots of help and shared experiences. I'm so sorry you went through so much during PP and thank you for reaching out here. May I ask if you are in the UK?

From your profile I've noticed that you had PP in December last year. So I think it is very early days in your recovery and not surprising that you feel lost. One of the booklets here might be helpful for you to read, "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" at app-network.org/what-is-pp/.... There is also a guide for partners and on the page you will find personal experiences.

I had PP many years ago and like you I felt lost for a long time. It's very hard to come to terms with what happened to us after the joy of having a baby. After reading my notes about my episodes I felt as if I was reading about a different person!

I think now you have found the forum you won't feel so alone and really supported with the mums here who have had similar experiences. In a way it is like coming out of a deep sleep as you begin to recover.

Do you have support at home? It is possible to regain your place but I think you need to give yourself time to heal. PP is a very traumatic illness and you are only a few months into recovery.

We are all here to support you ...... take very good care of yourself.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Tiwe,

pleased to meet you on here. I just baked Choco cookies for our breakfast. Big man and little man are planning the day. We focus a lot on our garden and enjoy each others company.

I used to work 24/7 as a lecturer, first as a Linguist and then in Higher Education. I've met my partner and then, life was very different and fast track. We only knew each other for one and a half years when I gave birth to our beautiful son nearly 10 years ago.

If I talk about my past before my life with big and little man, I call it my previous life. Women often ask on this forum, when will I be my normal self again. I am quite delve deep and reflecting on and sharing experiences we continuously change in mind, body and soul. In a way we have to allow ourselves to move forward and not look back, or in my viewpoint just look back in order to transfer a negative experience into a positive outcome. Throughout recovery that can be quite a skill in itself.

I still live with anxiety and especially social fear, which is part of my type of bipolar. Thus, the following maybe useful as I honestly can say recovering from PPP and living with a chronical health condition has given me new life skills and huge sense of appreciation for the momentum.

- journalising either about your emotions or just writing diaries for your baby is part of therapeutic healing

- I enjoy online courses with future learn or centre of excellence...just finishing my art therapy course level 3, followed by a Reiki course...I do that especially when I mind race and struggle with Insomnia

-at the beginning of my recovery I developed into an artist, I paint with mixed media in an abstract way...I never studied art, but found it such a healing experience after my trauma in a psychiatric hospital and during slow recovery as my BP1 never was identified until I found help through contacts of APP, as mentioned before any hobby helps

- exercising, yoga and meditation, but also gardening is a good focus point for maintaining my well being

- I usually can not do long term planning, but know that a routine is very important

- when poorly I have to avoid certain tasks in order to reduce frustration level and also try to continue to communicate, which is the hardest part...a support network is important

- tracking your ups and downs, there are some good mood charts on apps...since starting this with the help of Worcester University, I learn to understand about my pattern

My first year of recovery was like living in a fog and being cared for full time by my partner. Afterwards I tried to focus a lot on my son's education, which I still do nowadays, especially now with the home schooling.

Take it steady and one step at the time. I lead a very happy life, recovery has guided me to do things I never thought of before.

Sending you a big hug

[Keziah8 Volunteer]

Hi Tiwe, I lost myself after PP too and people commented that I had changed...not my usual chatty confident self in the months following my discharge from the MBU. However The day I was fully recovered when my son turned 7 months old (different timing for everyone of course) my friends were celebrating having not only me back but an even better version of myself. They said they thought i was even better in myself than before my illness. I guess the experience makes us grow as a person too. I promise you will have your day when this happens to you too. YOU WILL find yourself again .... sending confident hugs x

[Tiwe in reply to Keziah8]

Thanks alot.wow

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Tiwe, I am right there with you, the weather has a huge impact on my mood for the day. I get frustrated sometimes and wish that something that is so outside of my control wouldn't have such an effect on how I feel. On the other hand, I have learned to allow myself to be less positive on grey days and if I want to do very little that is perfectly fine too, but as well as I can I try to do a small thing on that day that will give me some pleasure like curling up with a good book, watching a series I want to catch up on or have a chat with a good friend.

I too had 3 psychotic episodes on 3 consecutive nights and 2 admissions into A&E before being admitted to a general psychiatric ward and then transferred to a mother and baby unit. It was by far the most frightening experience I have ever lived through. But as someone has said above, time is an amazing healer. With time the lovely new memories you will make with your brand new family will eclipse the first few months of your illness.

I hope today is a sunny day wherever you are. We are thinking of you and write here whenever you feel like it.

[Tiwe in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thanks alot

[Florence83]

It's a very real and serious illness and you can feel very alone if you don't have anyone to talk to, it's hard for people around you as they might not understand what's going on, it's hard to think things are going to get better when your in that place but they do, how long has it been since you first had it? give yourself credit for carrying on, come on here and vent when you need to and go easy on yourself, my doctor described it to me as when it happens and your going a long time without sleep your brain loses enzymes and it takes time to build them back up again, it's all backed up by science, it's not imaginery and it's not something you can just pull yourself out of, your not weak or less capable than other mums, it's very real, very scary and unfortunately it takes time to get well again but you will get there, feel free to message if you need to chat, take care xxxx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Tiwe

I hope the replies here have been helpful and wonder how you are? I think as your PP experience was only last December you will feel lost, as you described, at the moment as it's quite a lot to come to terms with. The panic attacks you had must also have been very frightening for you. I hope the link to the PP Recovery Guide will help to reassure you.

If you are in the UK do you have support from the perinatal mental health team, who can offer advice until your baby is one year? It is early days into your recovery but with good medical care and support you will eventually feel better.

Take care, we are all here to listen whenever you feel like a chat.