Recovery impatience

[Jake19]

Hi everyone. I've written a few times I the forum but just to recap about myself, I'm a 35 year old mother of four boys. My youngest beautiful boy is 9 months old. I am currently in recovery from ppp.

Whilst going through recovery, I think i can now pin point when I started to become ill. I believe my illness started throughout my pregnancy and then continued when we brought our baby home. I hadn't slept for five nights after giving birth, I was breastfeeding on demand and I was trying to be superhuman. At least I felt like I was. I remember that first night when we brought Jacob home. He wouldn't settle and I just broke down. My partner was amazing. Things pretty much improved from there and I was on a high for about 6 months. But I couldn't keep it up. I don't know what happened around the six months mark but I couldn't keep up being this ' perfect mum' to four boys because she just didn't exist. From Jacob being 6 months to present day, I have been through the depths of hell and back. Frightening hallucinations, hearing voices. It was awful. It has taken a lot of input from my home treatment team and my psychiatrist to finally get my medication right.

My baby is now just over 9 months old and I'm now in recovery...but....what now? I'm feeling so emotional and cry at adverts on the telly. I'm also a lot heavier due to the anti psychotic meds and new anti depressants. The problem is I can't even walk the same due to my weight ( I'm almost 20 stone). Please someone tell me it gets better?

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Jake19

Thanks for your post reflecting on your awful experience of PP. I think we can all relate to going to the depths of hell and back .... it's such a frightening experience isn't it? It must have been extra hard as you also had three boys and a baby at home. I'm glad the psychiatrist and home team support helped you to eventually get the medication needed.

As I mentioned in your previous post my PP was a while ago, when I was 23 and 29. I can remember being impatient, wanting to show family and friends that I was 'fine' and recovered when I wasn't quite well enough. I think you need to give yourself time to heal as PP has such a massive impact. It's still early days and I'm not surprised you feel emotional at times. You have been fighting so much in the past months to get to where you are today so tarry a while in the slow lane for now until you feel much stronger.

Try not to worry about your weight as I'm sure with four boys and a partner at home you will be so active when you fully recover. Also you mentioned 'slimming world' at home in a previous post so I hope you have felt supported and reassured. I had two boys who always kept me busy so I think you should be proud of how you are coping with the remnants of PP, the effects of medication and caring for your family.

It really does get better and your sons will take you on many great 'adventures' over the years as mine did.

Be good to yourself ..... PP mums are amazing

[Amandabridge]

hi jake19

Have you asked about CBT Therapy? Combine with antidepressants it is supposed to be very effective and has proven to help to empower your way of thinking. I think when you can understand what makes you tick, Why this has happened to you, it will help you to come to terms with what you went through and why you are so emotional now ( the two are linked). Sleep deprivation is one of the hardest things to try and cope with. After having 4 daughters myself I know how hard it is. I can totally empathise. Just know you are not alone. Don't be to hard on yourself.

Hope this may help

😄

[Jake19 in reply to Amandabridge]

Thanks for your reply. I actually started cbt when my son was 4 months old. It was just before I got really ill. However I didn't find it helped. Maybe the timing was wrong. However, I have been put forward for person centred counselling instead and I hope this will help.

[Amandabridge]

Yes person centre therapy may suit you better. It takes more time, but not as intense as CBT. PCT allows you to go more at your own pace. How things going with you? Busy I should imagine.😀

[Jake19 in reply to Amandabridge]

Hi thankyou for asking how things are going. They are going well. I'm taking each day steadily and I can honestly say that's the best way to deal with recovery. I've spent some quality time with my partner and I'm getting much more involved in caring for our baby boy again. I still have the odd 'off' day but they are few and far between now. With the right level of medication, great family support, good sleep and lots of love I am definitely getting there. Thankyou x

[Amandabridge]

All sounds good, you'll probably find the more balanced you become ( and you will) The rest will follow. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be able to do everything perfect, when we have everything that is perfect right in front of us. I remember having my four daughters, ( two years apart between all) it's hard work and at times so all consuming, but don't they bring you so much joy. ( especially when they grow up and move out and then you'll have empty nest syndrome 😜 Is there no mercy for us poor mothers) Think of each day like it is a blank piece of paper, what you write on it is up to you. Maybe First sentence starts with things you are truly grateful for. Take care and stay positive, negative thoughts will try and stick around, but you don't have to listen to them.

[Jake19 in reply to Amandabridge]

I've found that I'm grateful for every single day since being ill. It makes you realise how important the small things are. I enjoy being able to simply go out for a walk or to the supermarket and most importantly care for my beautiful boy. We can take these things for granted but these were the things I couldn't do while I was ill. Life really is for living x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Jake19

I'm so pleased to read your post and how your 'off days' are now few and far between. I hope you won't have too long to wait for PCT although you seem to be in a very contented place now.

Take care. x