PTSD

[Poulson]

I was lying in bed the other night and had a terrible panic attack. My husband had to wake me up. I have just been looking through the posts and had the same reaction. I am getting really anxious again lately. The police came to see me yesterday and took a statement. My husband says I am doing the correct thing after 43 years. I am not so sure though. I am getting anxious going out to the shops, and can't wait to get back to the sanctuary of home. Any advice would be welcome please.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Poulson

I'm sorry you have been very anxious again lately, it must be a very stressful time for you. As you probably know in my replies to you, I've been through a similar experience in my childhood. Like you I will never forget ... but for my own sanity I've come to terms with things. Despite everything that you have been through, you have achieved so much gaining your qualifications and thinking of the future.

I think you need to weigh up what benefit, if any, you will gain from raking through past traumatic events. I like to keep my abuse out of mind although that's not easy to do at times. What might the repercussions be for you and your family?

Did you go to your interview as a support worker on 6th August? I hope it went well and you can look forward as you achieved so much. Home has also been my sanctuary .... a place to relax and feel safe. I think more than anything you deserve peace of mind. It's not easy but try and do what's best for you so that you can sleep peacefully. Take care. x

[Hazello Volunteer]

So sorry you're struggling Poulson. It sounds like you've been through so much. I hope that the anxiety diminishes. It's a very very difficult and upsetting thing you're doing and would even be troubling you if you didn't have a history of mental health difficulties, I'm sure.

I sometimes find it hard to discern which stressful things are worth the consequences on my mental health. There is so much uncertainty involved.

Thinking of you and hope that you're able to find some peace about what to do next.

Hazello

[Bluelady-sing]

Are you anxious because you think the people that you are reporting to the police might be looking to seek revenge on you.

Perhaps you feel safe in your own home because it's an environment you can control

[Poulson in reply to Bluelady-sing]

Dear Pumpkins.

That is exactly correct. My mother and father have been in touch with the police telling them a cock and bull story about me. I have already sued the Health Authority for what they have said about me. My parents, 3 brothers, a cousin and abusive ex-partners have ruined my life between them to the point that I may be on tablets for the rest of my life.

I now have a wonderfully understanding husband who treasures me and my family don't recognise him or even put his name on Christmas cards. It is sure that I will no longer have to pretend anymore and send birthday cards and mothers day cards.

I went to see my daughter on her 30th birthday and she made a statement. She said, "You have got your own set of personalised handcuffs". She does not want to believe anything bad about my ex-husband who was ringing the police on me for no reason. He was saying I was chasing the window cleaner with a knife, which is total lies.

I recall one night when my ex was alive, he took my son to his fathers, who I knew to be a sex offender, and I walked up to get him away from him. My ex looked at me with evil in his eyes, pinned me on the floor and called the police on me. That was my first stay in prison. I was there for two months

When my daughter was 16 she had a boyfriend staying with us and she would not speak to me, she would bang on the floor upstairs for my attention. I recall making her a spaghetti Bolognese and because I did not put garlic in she tipped it all over the floor. I kicked her out of the house and she rang the police on me, hence my second stay in prison. I was there for three weeks that time.

I have had that much crap to put up with it is unbelievable. I suffer nightmares every night.

Best Wishes X

[Poulson in reply to Bluelady-sing]

Dear Pumpkins.

I have just spoken to the police. They have said that when I was in prison, I was talking about the abuse I had suffered, something I had totally forgotten about.

The mental health team have all backed off now, I am not getting any support from anywhere, only my husband.

My mother has been in touch with the police again, feigning ignorance, saying to them, " I feel like pig in the middle."

I have had to increase my medication again as I am shaking all the time.

Best Wishes X

[Bluelady-sing]

Intense...How old are you?

[Poulson]

Hi Pumpkins

I am now 50.

[Bluelady-sing]

Why does the police and prison feature so much in this story.

[Poulson in reply to Bluelady-sing]

The police and prison feature so much because my ex-husband who died of swine flu kept on having me locked up and sent to police cells and prison.

All I was trying to do was hold down a job, look after 2 children and a drunken husband.

[Bluelady-sing]

I am not a professional.

Maybe you can find comfort in some other way.

I hope you get on top of the anxiety.

Try thinking positive about all the good things in life.

Take care xxxx