Hi everyone, it’s been ages since I was here last and a lot has changed.
I am doing so much better, I am no longer suicidal and I am remembering to take my meds and I am doing ok. They changed me onto a haloperidol depot injection instead of aripiprazole as that wasn’t working for the whole 4 weeks and haloperidol seems to have made a real difference. I haven’t been psychotic since October last year and I’ve been out of hospital for 6 months now which is the longest I have managed in 3 years!
I have also agreed to be friends with my ex husband. We officially got divorced on 22nd March and I am now single again. But I have agreed to be friends for the children’s sake. We are getting on so much better and he has paid for us all to go to a theme park and the zoo for the day, so I can see my children more. When I first came out of hospital I was seeing them once per fortnight, but now I see them on a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday. I have been growing my bond with my daughter and although she is a difficult child we are getting there. My son has become really attached to me and never wants me to leave and he told me he wants to come home and stay with me.
I still have supervised access but I’ve got a parenting assessment starting this month, it was supposed to start last month but the social worker has been off sick for a month, so it’s been delayed. If I pass that, which I know. I will, I can have unsupervised access and finally get them on my own! My ex husband is supporting me and is happy for me to have unsupervised access. My so. Desperately wants to stay over so hopefully in 8 aweeks time that can become a reality!
So, everything going well? Not quite. Whilst I was in hospital I was introduced to drugs, andive been addicted ever since. I finally admitted I had a problem and sought help from the local drugs and alcohol service and they are helping me. I’ve been clean for a few weeks now but it’s so hard, the cravings are intense and I’ve spent thousands of pounds on drugs. It became my coping mechanism for not seeing my children and I was using every day. I’m determined to get clean for my children as I won’t get them back if I’m on drugs, but god it’s been hard. I’ve had to cut ties with friends that do drugs and I miss the high and the invincible feeling I have when on them.
And I’m losing my home. As if losing my husband, kids, pets and job wasn’t bad enough, my house is going up for sale today. My ex husband wants his name off the mortgage and the only way to do it is to sell the house. My dad was meant to bee buying the house off me and renting it back to me but he’s changed his mind and pulled out right at the last minute. The court order said the house had to be sold by March so my ex has been lenient enough and now he’s demanding it is sold. I can never forgive my Dad for doh g this to me, he’s making me homeless just when I had started to truly recover. There is no equity in this house so I can’t affoed to rent a place and I’m on benefits so unless I can pay 6 months upfront I won’t get a private rental, and I approached the Council but they said they can’t help as I own my house. Not eligible for the council housing register even though I’m disabled and have no equity in the house.
Because of my drug addiction I am drowning in debts, I have 5 loans and 2 maxed out credit cards. I can’nt afford to buy food and have lost 5 stone just from being skint and not being able to meet my living costs. I went to the citizens advice place today and they told me to stop paying my loans and credit cards and they will speak to my creditors and try sort out a more manageable payment. I’m praahing they can help as I can’t keep living like this. I have e worked so hard to keepl paying the debts so stopping paying them is terrifying! But that’s what they’ve told me to do so I will do it.
I’m so heartbroken about the house, it’s mine and the kids home, and I’m probably going to end up in a homeless shelter and lose my kids all over again. I’ve worked tirelessly to get things to a point where I see my children most days and they come round for dinner on a Thursday which is lovely. I attend my sons swimming lessons and gymnastics club every week and he loves me being there. He’s a real mymmg’s Big and he’s been through so much I didn’t want him losing me all over again.
I genuinely thought I was getting through the depression and coming out the other side, but the house going is making my mental health much worse and I’m scared I will end up back in hospital. I don’t want that, I want to prove to everyone that I’m a good mum and should have my kids back. I’ve even been looking for a job, got 2 interviews lined up for the end of the month/early next month so I hope and pray I get one of them. Works out asi am bored staying in all day unttill I sss the kids after school. And if i aaa working I could pay back some of these loans and credit crda.
I’ve got a mental health advocate supporting me and he’s ok, a bjrr weird but he’s helping me to go to citizens advice and fill in all the paperwork I need to do.
S generally things are going well? And I’m so happy to be recovering finally. I’ve now been diagnose with schizoaffective disorder instead of bipolar and I agree with the diagnosis.8’ just on venlafaxine and haloperidol now, and I’m doing good. My kids lift me when I am down and seeing them so much has really helped me to recovez I’ve had no therapy but they want to start it best Tuesday but I honestly don’t think I need it.
I’m doing my best to stay positive but the future is so uncertain and worrying. And I even have to go to the food bank tomorrow as I have )7 in my bank and no food in my house. Drugs have killed me financially. I wish i’s Never tried it.
My care coordinator left and she was brilliant and always took me out for coffee in town.’h new one only awes me for half an hour at the mh clinic and she’s always half hour late so I’m just sat there in the waiting room whjdh seems like forever! I don’t like her but hopefully when I get a full time job I won’t have to see her anymore.