Hi peeps, I have a bit of an update and just wanted to share how things have been going with people who get it. Things have been pretty rough. Sorry for the whinge.
I am 20 weeks pregnant now, and expecting a girl. Everything about the pregnancy has been completely normal and healthy, but my mental health has been rocky for the last two and a half months. I'm one week shy of the gestation I was at when my son was born, and there is a lot of anxiety about that and about losing this baby too even though everything is fine. Also, I noticed myself getting a bit depressed at about 10ish weeks, and my psychiatrist started me on a low dose of sertraline, but I still got really unwell really quickly and had to be hospitalised for a few weeks because I started having delusions and command hallucinations to self harm. So now I've been out of hospital for a couple of weeks and I still feel like shit, still have no motivation to do anything or take care of myself, and also the unreasonable anxiety about losing the baby. My meds are ridiculously sedating, so I'm not even sure I could do anything even if I wanted to. My partner has taken the last month off work to care for me, and my mum is coming over from the UK in a couple of weeks to stay as long as she can until after the baby is born. I'm feeling like a complete failure for not staying well and for needing so much support already. I've also lost any confidence I had that I'd be ok once the baby's born, because I'm already psychotic and she's not even here yet. It's like I'm just doomed to being a shit mum because I can't even sort out my head. So many people (and colleagues!) told me not to bother getting pregnant again because it was too "risky" and I'm terrified to have to tell them. Hospital brought up a lot of trauma too that I didn't realise was there about the psychotic episode after my son was born because I was in the same place and had the same doctors. I don't really know what the question is here, just needed to say it and maybe get encouragement that I'm not doing as shit a job as I think?