Hi everyone, I have never done anything like this before so I apologise if I’m posting somewhere random but just after a bit of advice really. I have a nearly 4 year old little girl, I had to have a c section due to her being breach for the entire pregnancy. My story is a long one bit in an attempt to cut it as short as possible, I had a relatively healthy happy pregnancy with the exception of the health care professionals who I felt didn’t really offer much support of care and being what you would consider an older first time mum I was given the impression I should rally know what I should be doing. Anyways, aside from that the pregnancy was fine with the exception madam was breach all the way through, they did towards the end try to convince me to try and turn her by way of some health professional manipulating bump etc (not entirely sure what they do) but I got quite upset as I genuinely felt something bad would happen if I was to go through with that procedure, they nagged and nagged and pestered me to go and get this procedure, for over three weeks I was a bag of nerves over this as I really didn’t want that to happen, on the morning of the appointment I called up the hospital and burst in to tears telling them I won’t be coming because I didn’t want to do it. I was given a huff and “you are being very silly” but it’s your choice. So with that I was booked for a c section a few weeks later.
On the morning of the c section i was seen by the surgeon who did a last scan to see if she moved (she didn’t) and was wheeled down for the section. The procedure wasn’t as bad as I imagined and i was pretty relaxed throughout.
Fast forward to the ward, it was noisy bright, busy and all I wanted to do was sleep, by this point I had been awake for around 28hours.
After family visits, doctors and nurses, people wanting to photograph the baby etc I managed to get a minute or two shut eye I literally mean five minutes. This went on throughout the night, the nursss eventually came in and shouted at me to hush my baby as she was disturbing the rest of the baby’s. I felt absolutely useless as a mother I could t stop her crying I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t even lie down as the pain from the c section hours earlier was unbearable, I then after sobbing away to myself with my baby for a few hours fell asleep with her on my chest, a nurse came and abruptly woke me shaking me saying I can’t fall asleep with my baby that way because I could kill her, again I felt useless, I sobbed my eyes out again and the nurse just pulled my curtain over and went away. I then managed to fall asleep for a further few minutes and was shaken awake again by two nurses saying I had to sign some forms, they were asking me how I would cope with my baby at home because of my epilepsy , what was my plan if i was to have a seizure, who was going to help out etc , I genuinely couldn’t hear what they were saying as I was so exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep. I think I said I will talk to them in the morning but I know I said please let me sleep.
A few hours after I was told I needed to get a shower, so I hobbled to the bathroom with my catheter still in and then “whack” a nurse came from behind and ragged my catheter out, I genuinely never felt pain like it, it was horrific! I was so mad! I shouted at her and said couldn’t you have bloody warned me! She said well it needed to come out lass! I felt like I was a piece of meat.
My partner then came up at tea time the next day, (I had been in hospital for just over 30ish hours at this point) he looked white as a sheet, asking what on Earth was up with me, I asked him what he was taking about and apparently the nurses called him to say I was screaming to go home and was getting very distressed?? I was gobsmacked, but seeing the opportunity to get to a familiar place where I was not treat like a prisoner of bloody war, I took it and got ready to go.
The two weeks after this I was extremely ill, I would not close my eyes because I genuinely believed if I did my daughter would stop breathing, if I slept she would die. I wouldn’t ask for help with anything because I believed I had to be a perfect mum so I would go mad if someone offered to help tidy the house, make her bottles etc, my poor partner was begging me to get help because I was convinced he was trying to get me locked up and he was going to take my baby away from me, the worst was yet to come after three or four days of no sleep and massthen be highs of wizzing around the supermarket 42 hours after having a section, I hit my all time low. I started to hear voices asking for my baby to be given to them, the voices would come and when I argued against them as I knew I couldn’t give my daughter to them, I would hear banging in the house, the curtains would move, the house felt like it shook and the voices would get louder and louder, but in my head at the time I felt I had to shout louder to block them out and protect my baby, I then suggested to my partner to phone a priest as I wasn’t prepared to let “them” take my daughter. At the time I felt a massive urgency to get “them” out of my house and away from my baby, and didn’t question the normality of what I was actually saying was happening. My partner was calling my mother and no one anywhere offered any help, all I knew is if I told someone else then they would take my baby away from me and “they” would get to her. I was ebxtremoy aggressive towards my partner and stated if he said anything I would run away with our baby and he would never see us again, obviously fearful of this and him knowing I was extremely unwell her agreed. So the worst mistake I ever made in my life was sitting there like some normal got it together mum in front of the health visitor nodding in all the right places ticking all the right boxes, and getting my partner to do the same, when inside I was extremely ill and my poor partner in massive need of help and support too.
I received no help whatsoever and that was because I never asked for it.
It took me many years to feel relatively normal, it took the same amount of time to try rebuild our little family, And to get over the guilt of being quite ill for quite a long time, the madness of thoughts of spirits trying to kill my baby was over within weeks but the depression lasted much much longer.
I did start out writing this for some advice on how to avoid getting this again, as we are now going to try for baby number 2 , but after reading it back I now realise that a massive part of this problem has obviously come from the trauma of the care I received as I genuinely feel that I was let down. so if anyone does get to the end of this long post, I just want to say thank you for reading my post and it’s helped me to actually write it down what happened to me some 4 years ago
I would however welcome anyone’s advice on how I go about explaining the above this to the next set of health professionals that will be dealing with me in my second pregnancy as no one anywhere knows what me or my partner went through, and maybe advice on what I should be asking for if it was indeed psychosis I was suffering From.
Update on 2nd pregnancy 
2nd pregnancy after previous PP
Postpartum psychosis 
Postpartum psychosis 
In hospital for the 2nd time in this episode of postpartum psychosis 
