Just a thought ...

I’ve just been thinking about how things may have come across and would like to add a few things.

Yes I have been running and yes I have raised money for APP but things have been extremely difficult nonetheless. Since I agreed to do this at the beginning of January I made a pact with myself that I would see it through for the people who have supported me but but also for Hattie.

I will be honest with you. Things have been hard. I’ve been coming off medication and felt I was ok up until this last week. I’m now only in 75mg of Venlafaxine and that’s the only medication.

Today and yesterday I have ran through a cemetery near my mums. Trigger ***** the bad thoughts came back. What if this happens, what if I do that..... for me this seems to have sent me down. I’m due to see the doc tomorrow and my consultant next month. But the reason for me writing this is to say yes I have achieved something yes I am please but also I’m still in recovery but trying. X x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Beth

Sorry to hear you’re still in recovery and that you experienced a horrible trigger yesterday. I used to find that , and they would come completely unexpectedly.

It’s good you’re seeing the doctor and consultant soon... my experience of recovery was very similar, good days and then some days I would have a bit of a dip...

Thank you so much for all the fundraising for APP , look after yourself, we are here whenever you want to ‘talk’ , it’s great you’ve shared how you’re feeling...

Ellie

[Hidden]

Dearest Bethanyil,

recovery is a very personal and unique path with obstacles, hurdles, but also happy "feel good times", exactly like your running experience...when experimenting and figuring out your limitations.

It is not always easy to re-attune to who you are and where you want to go, when you achieve your stepping stones and in between a major goal.

Growing expectations within yourself, maybe being too over analytical, or fear and emptiness after having managed to tackle that mountain...all sorts of emotions can fly through your head.

When people do a big charity event, I am thinking about the famous ones, they have all the professional support (a diverse team) in order to achieve their bike ride, big marathon or whatever,-but it does not mean necessarily that they have been experiencing a mental health illness...our obstacles are of a different kind!

You do not need to justify or apologize for feeling the way you feel. I thought I could put a time frame to my recovery...it did not work...

My exhibition was in February 2016, PPP in 2010...I still have had to have help afterwards, so that I was not drowning. What you have done is an enormous achievement and now your body is telling you to be kind to yourself. Take all the support you can get and reflect on your needs.

Look after yourself,

bye for now, off to my Yoga in a minute

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bethanylj

I hope your appointment with the doctor goes well today. You achieved so much last month, running regardless of your fears. I think you need to look after yourself now and take it easy as recovery is one day at a time, in your own time. xx

[Helen_84 Volunteer]

Hi Beth,

I hope that your appointment went well today, I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time at the moment.

I have had some self reflection about recovery recently as had a blip before Christmas that definitely rocked me. I think although I am recovered from PP it has left its scars and I have weak points that if pushed can set things off like anxiety and insomnia etc. I guess in the same way our physical health can go up and down, so can our mental heath too, and with a history of PP there will be vulnerabilities there that can make it much worse than if we hadn’t had this illness.

Your running has been great and I have enjoyed reading your updates. I hope this down period doesn’t last long for you and your doctor has been able to help.

Sending a hug and smile to brighten up your evening

Helen x