Hi there,
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced a real lack of motivation towards doing anything? This is something I've just started encountering, my mind doesn't seem driven at all in fact I have to make myself do something as simple as washing or laundry.
Hi Nara
Thanks for your post. I noticed in your previous post that you mentioned anxiety has been replaced by some depression and I think lack of motivation is a big part of it. When I had depression after my second PP I sometimes found it so hard to even get out of bed, I felt so drained and lacked energy.
Have you been reviewed recently? You mentioned that you have a care co-ordinator in your previous post so I wondered whether you have been able to talk to her about this? I know at times you feel you are struggling but I think you are doing well considering you are just over 12 weeks into recovery. Perhaps your psychiatrist might be able to suggest further treatment if you feel you're not improving although it took a good while for my mood to lift. There will be mums here to share their more recent experiences with you.
It must be hard for you but try not to worry. I'm glad you have the support of your partner and his family.
Take care .... we are all here to help if we can.
Thank you for your reply. I have an appointment with the consultant psychiatrist on Wednesday so I'll raise my issues with him. My care coordinator hasn't been very helpful to be honest, he hasn't been in touch for a while and he has over 30 other people he's seeing.
Hi Nara1
I'm glad you have an appointment with your psychiatrist this week and hope he will be able to help you. It's a shame your care co-ordinator's workload is affecting his ability to prioritise your care.
It's so good that you have the support of mums here who have had similar experiences. Perhaps you could take a break from housework and either meet a friend for coffee and a chat or take your daughter out for a short walk if the weather is ok? I think in your other post I suggested meeting other mums at baby yoga or baby massage classes so I don't know whether that might be an option. I know some days are difficult though, as they were for most of us and it might take time to build up to venturing out of the house.
As you will see from all the replies, you are definitely not on your own so take it easy as we are all here to support you. Wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and take good care of yourself. Sending you a hug 
Hi,
Yes I did have lack of energy to do any jobs. For example I used to love cleaning but after my pp I just couldn't be bothered to do it and had to force myself to do it. It did improve after about a year and now I have my own cleaning business.
Are you on Meds?? I was on olanpize so just really tired all the time.
Hi Nara
I'm on Olanzapine and feel demotivated and tired all the time. I'm so glad you wrote your post as I thought it was just me experiencing this.
Hope you feel uplifted soon - let's share tips on things that energise us! Xx
Hi Nara, I don't think you're at all alone on this one. I struggled massively to be motivated to do anything. Let's be honest... cleaning and laundry was never my favourite thing when well... so I was unlikely to feel motivated to do it as I'd been so poorly. Echo what the others have said, I'd often struggle to make it through the day with really really low energy levels, far worse than other new Mums without PP. I think in part it was medication related, but of course the tiredness was worth taking to try and keep me otherwise PP symptom free. I used to write little lists for myself... very short ones often with only one thing on for the day that I wanted to achieve, however tiny.
Be kind to yourself, you're doing just great I'm sure. Take care xxx
Thank you, I keep trying to be kind to myself and tell myself I'm doing alright. Can be so hard to keep in mind at times though. I keep trying to get on with bits of housework but it all feels so samey every day and the low energy doesn't help things.
Gosh we could have been separated at birth... that's exactly how I feel! Same old thing day after day and I hate housework too. There's a reason the show is called Desperate Housewives. They were desperate to get away from it all.
Not feeling particularly motivated and there's a pile of dishes with my name on it but hey. I'm really sorry others feel this way too but it is nice to know I'm not alone.
Think I'll start on the dishes after getting that off my chest, laters x
I don't remember from my childhood whether the house was clean or the dishes were done! I think as long as your house isn't a bio-hazard you're doing ok! Fill your houses with love ladies, that's what our children will remember! Xxxxx
Hi Nara how are you today? Hope you are having a good day x
Hi Arabella
Sorry I only just saw this message. In honesty I'm finding it all difficult and struggling with even the most basic things. It all feels overwhelming and like it won't get better. I'm bored of being home and just looking after baby and watching tv but I feel judged when I go out. Hopefully it's just a phase that will pass.
Hi Nara
Lovely to hear from you. I'm sorry things are hard right now. Hey, I dare you to get out of the house tomorrow, whatever the weather! Your mission if you to choose to accept it is to leave the house for a minimum of half an hour.
People won't judge you. In fact, they'll all probably want to coo over your baby.
So I dare you to go for a cup of tea at a cafe.
Let me know how you get on xx
Hi Arabella,
Thanks for the encouragement! I live in the countryside so maybe I'll take her for a walk as theres a nice woods here that she likes to look around in. I could walk down to the main village where I live and go for a coffee though.... hmmm....
I took her to a baby group today but I found it difficult talking with the other mums, they seemed quite nice but I just felt stupid and small.
Hi Nara1, just wanted to say here that I too felt silly at a baby group but I persisted and made a couple of really good friends (not just other Mum-friends, proper friends who just happen to have kids a similar age!) I also live in a rural area, small village - not even a coffee shop - so I know what you mean about getting out an about. It can help though. This late summer/ early autumnal weather we have at the moment will be lovely for the walk to the woods. All the best with it, you can do this! xx
Thanks for your message Hannah, I will persist at the baby group. So far I don't think I have much in common with the other mums but I'll stick at it.
Hey fantastic! Let me know which one (or both!) you decide to do 😊 I'm hoping to hear all about it tomorrow xx
Hi Arabella,
I went for a walk with my partners grandma in the beautiful woodland next to where I live with my baby in her carrier. She loves it in there as she likes looking around at all the lush green trees and plants and she stares at the dappled sunlight shining through the leaves. Then we sat on the children's swings opposite our home for a short while before coming home again.
My partner's grandma has looked after her quite a bit today which has helped me to have a bit of space and me time, I managed to paint a little bit too
Hello Nara1
Just wondering how you are ..... I hope you are able to relax a little in the sunshine at the moment if you're in the UK.
Take good care of yourself.
Thank you lilyBeth,
I am in the U.K. yes. I've been quite down recently in all honesty, struggling with the routine and constant nature of being a mother. I feel like I'm lacking and not equipped to do it, and I keep getting these moments where my mind just doesn't want to do it anymore. Had a bit of a meltdown earlier on today to my partner as I keep focussing on all the things that I feel like I'm lacking - I don't drive, my partner and I live with his parents, I'm on benefits as I can't work at the moment - and these things are just amplified and like huge obstacles to me at the moment. I feel judged and like other mums will judge me because of these things but on top of that I'm coping with mental health problems too. It all feels very hard and like there's no end to it all.
Hello Nara1
Thanks for being honest about how you have been feeling. There's no one here to judge or offend as we all know how hard it is coping with routine, a new baby at home as well as recovering from such a traumatic illness. I remember days of feeling helpless and hopeless, finding it hard to lift my mood.
Like you, I used to worry about all the things lacking compared to other mums I met (I still don't drive after all these years though). Thankfully although recovery can at times seem endless, you will get better.
It's not easy but try to think positively ...... you're a great mum in spite of all that has been thrown at you with PP; you're coping with the effects of medication and fighting so hard to be well for your family.
I think you need to take a break from routine and if possible have a 'date night' with your partner as you have both been through so much together. I'm sure your partner's parents will be delighted to look after their grandaughter so that you can both have time to yourselves for a few hours.
Give yourself time to get back on your feet after being floored by PP. I agree that everything is magnified and obstacles seem so hard to get over. If you can try to take things slowly, such as going out for a walk with your daughter as you mentioned and then perhaps going for a coffee afterwards as a treat for yourself? You will find your confidence as a new mum will build slowly but surely. I hope your care co-ordinator is supportive.
We are all here to lean on ...... take good care of yourself.
Thank you for your reply lilyBeth,
I have been getting help from family to look after my daughter, in fact she's with her great grandma at the moment, but I still find it a huge effort to do anything. I quite often wake up and just don't want to do anything, including look after my baby, as bad as that sounds. I wonder sometimes if I'm missing something, like women say they feel a rush of love for their children, I don't know if I feel that. What I feel for her is more subtle, does this mean I've not bonded with her properly? I was hospitalised for the first two weeks after her birth and was away from her during that time, my illness was so severe and immediate that I have memory blanks at the time it hit for the first few days of hospitalisation. I wonder if this affected my ability to bond with her properly.
Hello Nara1
Good to hear from you. I'm so glad you have family to support you so that you can have time to yourself, which is very important in your recovery.
You're really not on your own when you say it's a huge effort to do anything, including looking after your baby. I think many of us here can relate to those feelings. When I was sectioned to general psychiatric care I was without my first son for six months, even missing his first Christmas. I was very ill at the time and have no memory of those first weeks in hospital, being unable to communicate until I received treatment. So when I was eventually discharged home I was very anxious that so much time had elapsed and constantly worried about bonding. Eventually as I slowly regained my confidence I was able to build a loving bond one day at a time with my son which we share today.
Try not to worry .... your motherly instinct has been hidden by all the trauma of such a serious illness but it will slowly emerge and flourish. For now I think it's important to concentrate on your recovery, making sure you rest as much as you can. Perhaps you might venture out, even for a walk to the woods, just taking things easy.
Take good care of yourself.
You're very welcome Nara. I'm glad to read you had a lovely walk in the woods with your daughter today. Be kind to yourself and take care.
Thought I'd just write a bit of an update. The meds I am on are levelling out now, the sertraline has been increased to 150mg and has mostly stopped the overwhelming anxiety. I still get it a bit but it's nowhere as bad as it was. The lack of motivation is still there but since my meds were increased isn't quite as bad either. The main thing I'm finding is just how much the whole thing has really knocked my self confidence, it wasn't great before I had the baby but it's at a real low now. It's hard to know where to start with building it up, I guess I have to look at my self talk and try and change that bit by bit.
I have been continuing to try and leave the house as much as I can, went for another woodland walk today with baby and my partner, which was nice. She's got her last set of jabs for now tomorrow so will be out of the house then too. I find it's when I'm home and on my own that symptoms are worse as I have too much time to think and ruminate on things. I try to just focus on my daughter but I've found I start zoning out a lot and thinking too much.
Hello Nara1
Good to hear from you. I'm glad you are managing short walks with your daughter and hope her jabs weren't too stressful for you.
You have been through so much and need to take things slowly. In time your self confidence will return. I wonder if you saw the link to the APP Insider Guides given in a previous post, "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" as there's a section on Page 5 "Feeling knocked in confidence as a new mum" which might be helpful? As you live in a rural area is there a library for community activities? Also if you type "Confidence' in the search box in the top right hand corner of the forum page you will find many shared experiences.
Perhaps if you discuss how you feel with your care co-ordinator she / he may be able to help, even just by listening.
Be good to yourself and take care .... we are all here for you.
Hi lilyBeth,
Thank you for your reply. I have actually been to a mother and baby group this morning but found it difficult afterwards as I just worry so much about what the other mums will be thinking about me. There was one mum that I spoke to quite a bit, the others didn't seem interested at all in talking to me. I worry that the woman I was speaking to wouldn't like me if she knew more about me. She knows I don't drive as I told her today and she very kindly offered to give me lifts if I need them but I didn't tell her I live with my partner and his parents or that I had pp. My confidence in social situations is up and down, I felt okay when I was there but afterwards felt bad and like I'm tricking her because I didn't tell her how I am. My moods are up and down though, but I still feel like I have this huge list of things that are wrong with me or that I'm lacking in some way because of and I find it really hard to shake the feeling of that off.
Hi Nara1,
I wanted to reply as this could have been me writing about my experience of baby groups after PP!! Honestly!!! So it is absolutely normal to feel like this, and please believe me when I say that there is nothing at all wrong with you, you are recovering from a major mental illness! I think I mentioned it another reply, but I similarly struggled at mother & baby groups. It seemed to me that all the other mums knew each other, were really cliquey and not at all interested in me - they just were interested in breastfeeding and nappies... they thought they had it really tough with what seemed like miniscule things to me, having just come out of hospital, I just wanted to shout at them and shake them (when I wasn't feeling rubbish and embarrassed to be there...)
Like you, I struck up a friendship with another girl whilst all the other seemingly perfect Mums chatted about things that didn't seem important or interesting to me, and we are firm friends to this day. After a few weeks, I tentatively told her a little about my PP experience and she was surprisingly (to me at the time) not bothered about it. Now she knows it all and is a really good friend. I honestly think lots of people struggle on so many levels after having kids, that you may be surprised - if you choose to open up. But for now, it's great to hear that you have found someone to chat to, so my top tip on this would be to just keep on doing what you are doing, chatting to her, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself.
I know my confidence too was absolutely shot to pieces and I doubted and worried about everything at a similar stage to you. But you can do this, and we are all here with you, cheering you on! You are doing great, and can get to where you want to be, it may just take a little time. Take care and enjoy those moments where you feel good about things though and know that worrying about other things won't help.... and I promise that the good bits will continue and grow as time goes on. All the best, xx
Thank you for your encouraging message Hannah, at the moment I really don't feel like going back to the group but I'll see how I feel next week. My life just seems so different from the norm that coupled with low self esteem makes me feel like nobody in their right mind would want to make friends with me. My partner is trying to be encouraging and trying to get me to see things from another perspective. I know that I feel the way I do because of the pp but that doesn't seem to make it easier to come to terms with or to change. But I guess i just need to ride it out, yesterday I felt good so chances are I'll feel good again one day soon.
I said previously that my mental health and self esteem weren't brilliant before I had my daughter and got pp so it is difficult to believe that I'll get better. Sometimes it seems like I'm stuck and won't get better. But I guess I just have to be kinder to myself and tell myself it will get better and I'll be stronger than ever when I do get through this.
Hello Nara1
That was an achievement to go back to the mother and baby group today even though it was difficult for you afterwards. As Hannah said it's completely normal to feel as you did. I think you need to give yourself time as it's very early in your recovery. Coming home after having such a serious illness, coping with routine, the effects of medication and a new baby isn't easy and does take a while to settle into, so try not to be so hard on yourself.
I was the same in social situations and worried what people would think. I was so anxious about it but shouldn't have been. Try to persevere with it as otherwise you will feel isolated. I'm glad one of the mums was kind to you and gave you a lift home.
Please don't worry ..... as time goes on you will recover and be so proud of yourself for coping with all that you've been through lately and in recovery. Eventually the good days will outnumber the not so good and you will feel much better. Until then we are all with you so take very good care of yourself.
Hi lilyBeth,
Thank you also for the encouragement. I know it's important to keep up with the groups it just feels very hard to do. I wonder how much of it is illness and how much is just how I am though, it seems like they are intertwined so much that it's hard to tell sometimes as I've been mentally ill longer than just with the pp.
Hello Nara1
Good to hear from you. It must be very hard to deal with pp on top of another illness and so difficult to separate them. I think you're right to consider whether you go back to the mother and baby group if it was unsettling for you. Perhaps just doing things within your comfort zone will be easier for now until you feel stronger, as meeting new people can sometimes be overwhelming can't it?
It's so good that you can talk to your partner about how you feel as he seems a strong support for you. Have you heard from your care co-ordinator? You mentioned he's busy with his caseload but I hope he can visit and take time to listen to your worries. Have you asked your GP about talking therapies which might help with how you judge yourself? I think I mentioned in your other thread that CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) has been helpful to some mums here although I realise that coping with another illness must be very challenging.
It must be hard for you to come to terms with everything. Although it seems endless at the moment, PP is a temporary and very treatable illness so surround yourself with support and take very good care. We are all here to lean on.
Thank you lilyBeth, it really does help knowing there are such kind people on this forum to talk to. I've suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time so it is difficult to tell some of what is that and what is pp. I think I'd be more comfortable leaving the mother and baby group for now but there is a singalong baby group at the local library which I was thinking of going to instead as that wouldn't leave so much time for chatting and would be more baby focussed. The woman I met at the mother and baby group goes there too.
My care coordinator is due here any minute actually! I will tell him my worries, he is in the process of referring me for therapies.
Hello Nara1
I think we all have a special virtual bond and it really does help to hear shared experiences doesn't it? I'm sorry to hear you have suffered depression and anxiety for a long time, that must be so draining. I think I mentioned I had depression after my second PP and it was so hard to motivate myself most days. After a year or more it did lift and I was able to find my place again.
The singalong baby group sounds less stressful and more fun. I think it would be a good to meet up with the mother again as company too but see how you feel nearer the time ... no pressure.
I hope the care co-ordinator visited. You are probably exhausted but I hope he has been able to refer you for therapy which you think might be helpful. Have a good rest and take care of yourself.
Hi lilyBeth,
Sorry I only just saw your message.
It does really help to post on here and have support from people who've experienced the same thing. It's like a chain of healing and we're all links in that chain, passing our knowledge and words of healing onto one another.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years but my medication is really helping with those at the moment and I can really feel a huge difference with being on them. I do get down days but am experiencing more better days as time goes on.
My care coordinator has put my name down for therapy so hopefully it won't be too long before I hear about that. I'll be going to the singalong group tomorrow for the first time so hopefully that will be good.
Hi Nara1
Never worry about replying, it's only if and when you feel like it . That's such a lovely thought that we are all links in a chain of healing I'm really pleased that the medication is helping with your ongoing health issues and you can feel a difference.
I hope it won't be too long before you hear about therapy. Hopefully the singalong group will be good tomorrow and the woman will be there for company.
Take care ..... we are all with you.
Hi Nara
I'm really glad you're beginning to get better days, and you feel the medication is helpful. This was my experience too of recovery, slowly the down days got less and the good days got more... and it is beautiful what you have written about the support you've received on here, it bought a tear to my eye!
Take care,
Ellie X
Hi Ellie,
Thank you for your message. The good days are definitely getting more and I'm able to pull myself out of repetitive unhelpful thought patterns a bit more than before. Still get very tired though and seem to need loads of sleep.
Ah I'm pleased that what I said had an effect on you, it really is like that here. I found on the psychiatric ward I was on the women were trying to help each other out too which was lovely.
Hi Nara1
It's good to hear you are developing coping strategies to deal with unhelpful thoughts .... great progress I think the effects of medication and routine at home after being in hospital can be tiring so try to rest as much as you can. Did you manage to go to the singalong group today or perhaps you needed to rest instead?
I was in mixed general psychiatric wards and it took me a while to join in conversations with my room mates around the table! I didn't form any lasting friendships but was glad of their company in those unpredictable days.
Take good care of yourself.
Hi lilyBeth,
I went to the singalong session with my partner, it went well but was quite draining for me and I had to nap when I got home. Today baby is with her great grandma so I have a bit of breathing space. I usually try to paint when I have that time but I just feel like sleeping at the moment.
It must've been hard for you being away from your babies in the early time of their lives. I was only away from my little one for two weeks but the evenings were torture when I realised what had happened and where I was.
I'm having a down day today, I'd had a good run of much better days recently so I kinda thought this must be coming at some point. Luckily my partner's grandma has been around to help out with the baby so I've had chance to rest. I just feel fed up and tired even doing nothing. I did a bit of painting which helps me to feel more myself. There's part of me that misses the mania that I had when I was really ill, not the terrifying bits but the elated parts. I thought I was directly communicating with god and that felt amazing. Now I feel flat and like daily life is just so monotonous and boring.
Hi Nara
I'm sorry to hear you're having a down day... I found that too, that I would have some down days then some good days, they did slowly go, but it was so hard when I felt down again.
I too felt so tired as well, I think it is the medication. The anti psychotics can have a sedating affect and I think your body is probably so tired after everything you've been through... you're going to come through this and get better , it does just take time. You're being so amazing coping with everything. You will find joy and meaning in your life, maybe even from this horrific experience believe it or not, that was certainly my experience.
Thinking of you do write on here whenever you need to xx
Hello Nara1
I think that's the trouble with recovery .... some days are better than others. It must be an extra challenge if you also have depression and anxiety. Hopefully a therapy appointment is not too far away as it will be so helpful for you to sit and chat with someone who can listen and guide you. Perhaps your care co-ordinator can prioritise the appointment on the waiting list if he knows you're struggling?
I'm glad you have support around you. I know it's all very well for me to say it will get easier when you are feeling so flat but in time everything will fit into place and you will have such happy times ahead. For now perhaps walking in the woods and fresh air will be better than trying to be sociable in groups when it's so tiring for you.
There are also personal experiences on the APP frequently asked questions page which might be helpful at app-network.org/what-is-pp/....
Don't put pressure on yourself .... it's not your fault. We all understand and are here for you.
Take good care.
Thank you for your replies,
Today I went to the bounce and rhyme again which was good. I saw the mum that I'd previously met at the other group and I told her that I was living with my partner's parents and she wasn't judgemental at all about it. Maybe one day I'll tell her about my illness, she knows I was ill with my birth experience but she doesn't know what happened. She has said about going for coffee after one of the groups which would be nice.
I hope that my therapy will be soon but my care coordinator said there might be a bit of a wait. Fingers crossed not too long though.
I really hope there will be happy times ahead, I sometimes feel like the only way that will happen is if I have a complete personality change. I'm naturally quite shy and withdrawn and I get this thing where my mind goes blank when I try and think of things to do which can be really unhelpful. I also find that I get easily stuck in patterns of negative behaviour or just unhelpful behaviour, like sitting and watching too much tv instead of doing something more productive. I'm finding that with the baby I struggle to find things to do with her to fill the day. I like to paint and make things but it's difficult to do that kind of thing with the baby and she's too young to get involved in creative things. I just find myself watching tv loads when I'm looking after her and only having sort bursts of interaction with her.
Hi Nara - sorry for butting in on your thread a bit late! - it sounds to me as if you have an amazing level of insight into your moods and behaviours. This I think can be both a blessing and a curse!
A blessing because clearly you know yourself what sorts of things are helpful, and what are unhelpful. But a curse because I think with insight comes a tendency (certainly I have this) of overthinking everything and second-guessing yourself. I guess what I'm trying to say is to try not to worry so much about activities and time tables. I think as long as you are able to get out and about a bit then what you actually "do" all day is not so important - if that makes sense? It sounds like you already do a lot (a lot more than most mum's probably!). I love the idea of doing creative things with a baby - hopefully it won't be too long before you can get out the dry pasta and potato printing and do some messy play?! Failing that maybe adult activities that have a crèche facility? Eg at the local leisure centre?
Best wishes
Kat x
Thank you for your message KatG,
Yes I definitely have insight but also do have a tendency to overthink things! I am very reflective on how I am and what I'm doing, but this can be too much sometimes and can be more of a hindrance than a help. Then again I'm sure that this has definitely helped me in some ways so I guess it's swings and roundabouts.
Maybe what I do with my baby is better than I think it is, I just feel like it's not so natural, that I don't interact with her enough and I worry about our bonding. I have help to look after her from family and my partner looks after her at night so that I can sleep. I just worry that I'm doing it right, which I guess is a normal worry for any mum.
Hello Nara1
Good to hear from you. I'm glad you went to the bounce and rhyme session and met the mum again for company. That's a big achievement if you are naturally quite shy and withdrawn.
You really are doing well with your baby and they do like to sleep on and off during the day so don't worry about interacting at this early stage. I don't think you need to worry about bonding either as you said earlier in the thread how much you missed your daughter when you were away and I'm sure she missed you She will be so sociable as well with family to share her days!
Take care.
My thoughts today are cyclical and based around me having a baby when I don't have my own house, a stable source of income, don't drive etc, the thoughts keep coming up and are so unhelpful. It's like my mind won't except what just "is" and keeps trying to make me feel bad about things. It's ridiculous and tiring.
Hi Nara1,
Sorry you've had a tough day. Sending happy vibes your way.
I have cyclical thoughts too, it's tough isn't it. One of my brilliant psychiatric nurses told me that when it happens to imagine you're going around a roundabout and you need to take one of the exits off to something more positive. The exit can be to anything at all, something even as simple as what you're going to have for lunch or dinner etc. Or an exit to your favourite place, or a place you'd like to go. I've found it helps me anyway.
Also I have a little black book of positivity (not sure why it's black! Probably reflected my mood at the time I started it!) that I write in on my bad days. I try and think of three good things to write if I can, sometimes it's just one if that's all I can think of. Again, it can be tiny things like you managed to go for a walk and told your little one about the trees or the weather. Just small snippets, trying to find the good and to focus on that.
It's hard to train your brain isn't it. Particularly after the trauma you must have been through too.
Hang in there. Take care x
Hello Nara1
A book of positivity is a great idea. Perhaps if you can keep a mood diary and look back each week you will be able to see how far you've come? It's a good way of channeling your thoughts in another direction and can also be an indicator to your care co-ordinator about how you are feeling. You could also have a 'to do' list of treats for yourself ...... paint your nails (great varnish in the Pound Shop!), have a soak in the bath and just be proud. Having a bath with your daughter, if you're confident. is a lovely way to share your feelings too.
I didn't know until I read my notes that I wrote a lot of poetry while I was in hospital. There's one entry from the staff, "she's writing poetry again" with a big exclamation mark!! None of it was kept but I suppose it was my way of expressing myself while I was under the influence of PP and depression.
It's very hard but try not to let the negative thoughts bring you down. I don't drive either and don't live in a rural area, which sounds idyllic. With all the traffic today I think that walking or going on the bus is far less stressful!
I have a little nick-nack in my kitchen written on which are the words "count all the gifts you have that money can't buy" ...... I'm sure a good thing to write in your book of positivity will be a smile from your treasured daughter
Take care ..... surround yourself with all the support you have at home and we're here too.
Thank you for your kind words. I started a book similar to what you describe when I last had a course of CBT around 5 years ago so I can continue with that. I wrote quotes in it and drew pictures and at the time I was going through a huge spiritual phase so most of it was connected to spirituality and god in some way. I think now my mind is more practical than then which has come from having a child. I remember at that time feeling as though I was walking on clouds and then going into deep depressions after going out and binge drinking. I don't drink like that anymore, one of the blessings of pregnancy having nine months sober! Things like that make me wonder if I have underlying bipolar as I read that a lot of women who get pp have that also.
Hello Nara1
That sounds a good idea to continue with the book for your positivity entries. I hope you have had a good weekend.
Take care of yourself ..... you're a great mum
I feel as though I've hit a bit of a wall in my recovery right now. My motivation levels are low still and the thought of actually going out and doing things with baby makes me panic, although actually doing stuff isn't as bad as I think it will be. It's the thought of having to eventually take her to school every day, having to entertain her and pay attention to what she's doing to make sure she's okay. I get this thing where I zone out a lot which is unhelpful if it carries on to when she's more active as I'll need to be on alert. I wonder if that is a pp symptom or just something I'm going through as a personal response to what's happened. I used to zone out a lot as a kid so it's not something that is new to me but it did get better over time of trying to be more "present" and focussing my attention more.
I've also been sleeping loooads. My partner and his family help out quite a bit with baby so I get enough sleep but I've been sleeping between 10-12 hours a night most nights. I think my meds make me tired but I can wake up after a full night plus extra sleep and still feel tired. But if I do wake up earlier I am also tired so I don't know what to do about that really. Maybe it will even out over time?
I really appreciate the responses I get, thank you all it is a real help to not just be going through this alone or just with people who haven't experienced it themselves.
Hi Nara1,
Good to hear from you again, I'm sorry to hear things are feeling tough at the moment. Recovery can feel like that, up and down, feeling stagnant, wanting to progress more than you feel you might be. I bet you are doing better than you think though! It's nice to hear that the responses you are receiving on the forum are helping you, and the shared experiences feel valuable to you.
I know it might not feel like it but this really will pass and things get better. A lot of the things you describe were EXACTLY how I was feeling. The lack of motivation, disinterest, feelings of panic if I felt I had to be doing something... I too slept loads and really struggled to get up, so my partner was a huge help in doing things with our baby too. But I got there, as will you, and I hope you can hang on in there and keep celebrating the small things. Over time, they will become more and you will get to where you want to be.
Take care, we are all here for you, wishing you all the best, xx
Hello Nara1
You are definitely not alone and we all understand how you feel. Try not to put pressure on yourself. As you have good support around you just take your time as it really is very early in your recovery to expect so much of yourself. Sometimes it's a case of no matter how hard you try to motivate yourself, the effects of medication can hold you down .... so it's really not your fault.
Perhaps you could mention to your care co-cordinator about how sleepy you feel as your medication might need to be reviewed although I slept a lot too. I hope you won't have much longer to wait for therapy sessions as I think they will build your self-esteem and confidence.
It's not easy being a new mum as well as coping with recovery from PP so be kind to yourself. You really will have better days and good times ahead.
We are all with you ...... take care.
Thank you for your messages. I spoke to my care coordinator and he has discussed with the psychiatrist about changing my meds back to fluoxetine instead of sertraline as I had more energy on them while I was pregnant. In fact I felt great when I was pregnant but some of that could have been pregnancy hormones.
So I'm reducing the sertraline now and then I will taper off them and onto fluoxetine, hopefully it will make a difference to my energy levels.
I also asked my care coordinator about bipolar as I wondered if I had that underlying because of the link between pp and bipolar. He said he didn't think so though as my symptoms didn't have the high mania of bipolar such as grandiose thoughts or frivolous spending etc, my symptoms were more mild highs or depressed and anxious.
Hi Nara,
I'm glad you have had your meds looked at, I hope that it will help you feel better. People react so individually to medication.
I was on Olanzapine and I felt very tired too, I was in bed by 9pm and generally just feeling really exhausted too. I would definitely 'zone out' too, as others have said I think it's a really natural thing while you're recovering. Like you I tried to fight it when I could, and make myself play / talk to my son, and do things even if it felt overwhelming or didn't come naturally.
Take care,
Ellie
Hi Ellie,
I'm hoping that the fluoxetine will have the same effect that it had when I was pregnant and lift my mood. The sertraline hasn't seemed to do that as much although it has been great for my anxiety.
Yea the olanzipine really makes you feel tired, getting up in the morning is difficult because of it as it takes quite a while to properly wake up.
I'm kinda glad that the zoning out is part of recovery, I hope it eases off over time as I worry about being on the ball as my daughter gets older and is more active.
Hello Nara1
I'm really pleased that your medication has been changed to something you are happier with. Hopefully you will feel the difference. Did your care co-ordinator give you any idea how much longer you will be waiting for therapy sessions?
Have a good rest and take care.
Hi lilyBeth,
Yes I am glad too, I kinda wish I'd just asked to go on fluoxetine to begin with as I know it made a huge difference to my mood whilst pregnant but I was breastfeeding still at the time and sertraline is meant to be safest.
My care coordinator doesn't know when my therapy will be, it will be when they have a slot I think so could be soon or a bit of a wait.
Hello Nara1
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Hopefully the therapy won't be too long .... it's good that you have lots of good care around you. Wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and have a good rest tonight.
Take care.
Hello Nara1
I hope you are having a better week and will notice a difference when the new medication kicks in.
Thinking of you .......
Thank you lilyBeth,
My week was okay, most of the time I just had normal worries. I don't feel great but I don't feel awful either so I guess that's something. I feel a bit stuck and tired of same old same old with regards to routine, but it could be worse. Baby is growing and developing well so that is good.
Hello Nara1
I'm glad your week was okay. It sounds as though your baby is thriving on your loving routine. It will get easier as your baby develops, not so much watching the clock for the feeds. I was very anxious if my son slept over his four hourly feed and remember gently stroking his face trying to wake him!
Did you go back to the bounce and rhyme session just for a change although it's getting colder now? You are doing really well so early in your recovery. It's good that you don't feel awful now your medication has changed ..... a good note in your book of positivity ?
Take it easy for now ..... your energy levels and confidence will build and you'll benefit from the therapy sessions when they start.
Hi lilyBeth
I have been back to the bounce and rhyme, yes. It's on twice weekly and I go to at least one session a week. I haven't really spoken much to the other mums except for the mum that I originally spoke to but we went for a coffee after the b&r session last week and I told her a bit about my pp. She was very understanding and nonjudgmental which was nice and a relief. She said she had suffered bouts of depression herself which is what made me speak up about my pp.
Hi Nara1
It's good that you find time to go to the bounce and rhyme session at least once a week. I think it takes time to feel comfortable in groups so you have done really well to speak up about your pp to the mum you met originally. I'm glad she was very understanding and it probably did her good to speak about her own struggle with depression too.
Take care ..... things will get better for you.
Im terrified of developing PPP
Anyone a mum of two with Bipolar who can share their experience?
Has anyone recovered from an Olanzapine dosage of 17.5mg or higher ? Got their motivation, passion, energy back etc.? 
Do we ever recover from the trauma of psychiatric hospitals? 
