So I saw my therapist today and admitted (and I know this sounds awful) but if I could turn back the clock and not have had Ella then I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel utter rejection from her, she absolutely hates me. People keep telling me a child of her age doesn't know how to hate but she really does know, and she hates me. I can't comfort her, when she is upset I try to cuddle her but it makes her more upset. If I hold her she cries and tries to get away from me, yet she will happily sit on my step mum's lap for ages. She wants holding all the time but when I try she kicks out and goes stiff and screams so I can't even pick her up.
I feel so rejected by her, I only get to see her for one day per week and when I do see her or FaceTime her there's no joy to see me, no smiles and no excitement. She also hates my house, and will just stand and cry for hours and she doesn't do that anywhere else.
I feel so awful about it that I end up pushing her away, and want nothing to do with her. My contact is supervised by my dad and I find myself escaping upstairs when she needs anything as I can't face doing it, I can't face the screaming.
I've been having regular therapy with Ella to help me bond with her but my mental health has been so poor lately my therapist asked to see me alone for a few weeks and now I feel the bond has been severed again and I don't know how to get it back. Ella is 20 months now and I have memories from 18 months so I'm super aware she might start remembering how much she hates me and how poor our relationship is. I don't want her to grow up having this terrible relationship with me but I don't know how to bond with a baby that screams every time she's near me.
Has anyone else had trouble bonding with their babies? I've been told it's normal after pp to have low confidence around your baby and it's been 8 months since my last full relapse so I'm thinking I should be recovered and bonded by now. What did you do to help you bond? Will it just come in time or will she grow up hating me?
Sorry for the essay, it's been playing on my mind a lot xx