Hi I'm new here

I had PPP in Jan 2016 and relapsed three times and ended up in a mother and baby unit for 3 months, then an acute ward twice, my latest stay being Jan 2017. My husband has been amazing through it all but 3 weeks ago decided he couldn't do it anymore and left me. I am heartbroken, I've got the crisis team coming in every day to give me my meds but all I want to do is take an overdose and be gone. I'm on a depixol depot injection but I want to stop it as I haven't relapsed in months but my psychiatrist said no and it's important I have it. Was anyone else on antipsychotics for over a year after having PPP? I'm looking forward to talking to you all xx

420 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Hello Kats88

    I'm so glad you have found the forum as there are lots of mums here to offer support. Thank you for sharing your experience of what sounds like an awful time for you. I had PP twice many years ago and relapsed so I understand how hard it is to go all the way back to square one.

    I'm so sorry you're heartbroken that your husband left. PP and all the ups and downs to recovery puts a big strain on relationships. I'm glad you have the support from the crisis team. You have been through so much. Do you have family and friends to be with you when the team are not there? I think you need to be open and honest with the crisis team about how you really feel so that they can support you.

    During my recovery I was in and out of various general mixed psychiatric units in times of crisis. I think it's best to be guided by your psychiatrist. I was on antipsychotics for a year or more and at one stage I thought I could do without them but I was wrong! I went downhill very quickly and it took a long time for me to get back on track.

    All this was a great strain on my husband. We had our ups and downs and unfortunately he had a breakdown himself while I was recovering. Perhaps your husband will return when he has had space to think about how much you have both been through together?

    Please don't despair, try to surround yourself with support although it's very hard for you at the moment. You must be so emotional and it's hard to keep on top of your thoughts but you will fully recover. It's not easy but try to be hopeful. You have had great courage to come this far so take good care of yourself. If you do need to talk, the Samaritans are there 24/7 on 116 123.

    Sending a virtual hug. Stay safe ........ there are other mums here to talk and offer advice.

  • Hi Lilybeth thank you for responding.

    No I don't have friends, I isolated myself when unwell and lost all my friends, so now it's just me. I'm trying to cope as best I can but I'm struggling, I feel so lost and alone.

    I miss my husband so much it hurts and I just want him to come back to me, but I know that's not going to happen. I love him so much and I'm devastated he's gone because of this stupid illness.

    I haven't eaten in days and I've lost 2 stone in weight and I just feel terrible. If it wasn't for my kids I'd go and kill myself xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I think we can all understand why you isolated yourself from friends as our experiences seem so far from reality. It must be such a struggle for you to have lost your soulmate. Is it possible that you can talk to your mother-in-law about how upset you are? Do you have any family nearby?

    Please try to eat as you need to keep going, as you say, for the love of your children. Have the crisis team commented on your drastic weight loss? I know we are all 'virtual' here but you're really not alone and we do really care. I had days when I felt helpless and hopeless but you need to keep fighting your thoughts and try to get through each day as best you can. Try to sleep tonight if you can and ask the crisis team about support tomorrow.. Perhaps a health visitor will be able to offer help at home while you are trying to cope with such a stressful time.

    I'll be thinking of you .... please stay safe and take care.

  • I'm not close to my mother in law so sadly there's no use talking to her. She doesn't like me anyway.

    The crisis team have commented on my weight loss but they haven't been concerned about it because I'm still fat so as far as they're concerned it's not a problem.

    I hate my health visitor after she wrote some damning report for the child protection conference which basically said I had never bonded with my daughter and was emotionally abusing her by not being bonded to her. I've declined her services and won't be seeing her again. I've also had to change care coordinators for the same reason, so I'm getting to know my new one now, she seems nice enough. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    Welcome to the forum. It's so good to have you here. I'm so sorry though to hear what an awful time you've been through, with relapses and hospital admissions, and now your husband leaving. That sounds really awful, and so hard to bear, on top of everything.

    I just wanted to tell you that you are going to get better, and get through this. You are not alone. Many women on here have struggled just as you do. PP took a huge toll on my relationship too, we were barely talking at times, it is such a huge strain on the relationship. I know it seems unbearable now but I promise, it's temporary and you're going to get through it.

    It is good to hear that you are being supported daily by the crisis team. Are you honest with them how you are feeling? Do you feel you can talk to them? It's so important that you tell the people supporting you how you feel, completely honestly, so they can support you. Do you have any other support too? - family or friends? Do you have anyone staying with you, who is supporting you?

    I know it is hard to stay on the anti psychotic, but I would trust what the psychiatrist is telling you for the moment, until you are really strong and stable. I took an anti psychotic for about 12-18 months, but I didn't relapse after my initial episode so I imagine that they will want to keep you on for longer until you are really stable. They will be really experienced with treating people, and will know what medication works.

    I also wanted to let you know that we have a recovery guide, that was written by women who had PP and perinatal mental health clinicians. It may be too much to read at the moment, but you may find it helpful. The link is here: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

    And remember, this is temporary, it is going to pass and you will get better, and you are not alone.

    Take care, I am thinking of you

    Ellie X

  • Hi kats88,

    I'm so very sorry you've been through such a terrible time with PP, and continue to suffer because of it. My heart goes out to you, it's such a devastating illness.

    Please keep yourself safe and don't lose hope, I'm sure things will get better though it must seem so impossible right now.

    Thinking of you and sending lots of love xx

  • Dear Kats 88,

    I am so deeply sorry about your difficult time at the moment. I have been following the above dialogue and just would like to let you know that you are not on your own and mums are here to listen to you. I am so pleased you have found this forum. I only found out 5 years later after my PPP in 2010. It is a relief to know that you are not on your own. It has helped me tremendously to talk to other females who have suffered this traumatic illness.

    I was very poorly and sectioned. The medication finally helped me to recover from Psychosis.The crisis team was there to help our family initially and I have had a lot of support from professionals in the after-care. A good Psychiatrist was of great help to wean me off from my anti-depressants eventually.

    Please, do keep talking to professionals such as the crisis team about your feelings. In my case I have had a health visitor for two years, I have kept my care coordinator, who provided me with appropriate therapies. It is good to open up to your GP and see whether he/she could suggest a path, to prevent isolation.

    Thinking of you,

    Sabine :-)

  • Dear Kats88,

    I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling, but really hope you are drawing some strength from us mums on the forum who have gone through PPP just like you. It's incredible to believe when you're in the middle of it, but it really is true that you do get better, you will recover and put this behind you. I had PPP in 2015 after the birth of my second son, and it was a huge strain on my marriage. I too hated the antipsychotics I was on, but gradually and with medical advice I came off them. I also had an amazing psychological therapy called EMDR that helped me overcome the trauma of nearly being sectioned and the rollercoaster of thoughts & emotions that is PPP. Stay strong special lady & keep fighting. Talk here & to any healthcare people helping you, look long at your babies and keep going, big hugs Helen xxxx

  • Hi all, thank you for replying it means a lot.

    I'm really struggling with losing my husband, I still love him so much and he doesn't feel the same way anymore and it's heartbreaking. I feel like giving up and killing my self but I know I've got to keep going for my kids.

    I hate this stupid illness, I am so alone and have no friends left. The olanzapine I was on caused me to gain 4 stone and I feel so self conscious going out because they've made me so fat. Luckily depixol doesn't make me hungry so I'm not having to deal with that on top of everything else. I want to be off the injection so much but I've been sectioned 3 times now and the psychiatrist thinks it will happen again if I stop having it. It's due on Thursday and I'm thinking about not going. If I don't go they can't force me to have it.

    I'm completely on my own, none of my family are local and it's just me. Because of my ppp my kids are on child protection plans and I'm not allowed to be alone with them at the moment which makes things even worse as I'm totally alone through the days as my kids have to be in childcare 5 days a week even though I'm at home and could be looking after them. I'm fighting the child protection plans at the moment to try and sort it out so that I can be on my own with the kids.

    Thank you all for replying, it helps me feel less alone xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry to hear everything you're dealing with, including the child protection issues with your children and that you don't have family or friends you're able to rely on. Things sound really tough.

    As you see you're not alone , there are many here who can offer you support.

    I would really recommend you do take the medication, at least until you feel more stable as it sounds like you're struggling. I know it's hard I hated the side effects too but they were essential to me staying well.

    Are you being offered any therapy? It sounds like you really need someone to talk to, to help you deal with everything you have to cope with.

    Thinking of you

    Ellie

  • I'm having mother and infant psychotherapy which I am paying for privately, it is helping me to bond with my daughter but it's not easy, taking her with me to therapy each week.

    I've been offered DBT through the cmht but I know that's not the type of therapy I need which is why I have sought it privately. I may have to stop going now though as money is going to be incredibly tight now that my husband is going and taking his money with him. I'm not being paid at the moment as I'm off sick so I've been relying on him and now I'm going to have to go back to work and pay the mortgage myself. Kat x

  • Hello Kats88

    Good to hear from you. It's such a shame that the olanzapine caused your weight gain. You've been through such a lot in a short space of time. It sounds as though the injection is better for you and I think you should stay with it if it's keeping you stable.

    PP is awful and not your fault. It's through no fault of your own that your children are on child protection plans. I think it's just procedure the services have to follow, it's not a judgment against you although sometimes professionals appear very insensitive especially when they must be aware that you are battling to recover from such a traumatic illness. I'm glad you have been able to stand your ground and refuse any further involvement with that particular health visitor and support co-ordinator. Hopefully the new care co-ordinator is more understanding and will be willing to listen and support you through such a hard time.

    I hope the crisis team are helpful. During my second recovery I was mainly treated at home and had so many professionals visiting daily. At one stage I had to be watched 24/7 so I know how up and down the days can be. There's a really good blog, ppsoup.com which might be helpful to have a look at and also perhaps show to your care team who might be able to understand what you are trying to deal with, the link being ppsoup.com/2015/11/30/i-had...

    Try to eat a little so that you can keep your strength up. PP and all that has been thrown at you will floor you for a while but you will find your place again. I hope your care co-ordinator will be able to help with fighting your corner so that you can be alone with your children. Try to be hopeful although it must be so hard ...... your husband might return home to his family.

    Please keep in touch if talking here helps. We really are all thinking of you. Take care and stay safe. xx

  • Yes the social workers and all the professionals have been so insensitive when it came to the child protection conference, they really didn't care that I had suffered from such a traumatic illness and just labelled me a risk to my children. It was horrible.

    The injection is keeping me stable but I've been stable for nearly 6 months so I think it's time I came off it. I hate having it, it hurts and itches and makes me really tired.

    The crisis team are ok but they just constantly try to get me back in the acute ward, they tried to get me sectioned on Friday but I managed to get through the assessment and stay at home. They keep telling me to change and my husband might change his mind when I know that's not the case and he won't change his mind, he is sure of his decision. Plus they're trying to tell me to change and be "normal" when I'm struggling so much which isn't helpful. I'm struggling to even get out of bed at the moment and I don't want to see them but it's that or hospital so I have no choice.

    When I was in hospital in Jan I was on 121 observations for 7 days so I know how tough that is. Even going to the toilet or having a shower I had to have someone in with me.

    I'll have a look at the blog, thank you.

    I just feel like I'm at rock bottom and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I really do wish I was dead xx

  • Hello Kat

    I think you need to be guided by your psychiatrist about the injection. What will the alternative be? I had to go as an outpatient for treatment in times of crisis, of which there were many. The crisis team don't sound very knowledgeable about PP if they are asking you to change and be 'normal' ..... if only it was that easy.

    I had a problem with using my bed as a sanctuary ..... I was having delusions and retreated to my bed as no one believed me. I know you don't want to go into hospital but do you think it might be a good idea, even for a few days?

    As I was in hospital for months without my sons (six years apart) I did find difficulty in bonding at first but as time went on and I was able to be more confident as a mum, we did eventually build an unbreakable bond. So I think if you are struggling to make ends meet, you will be able to build a natural bond with your daughter without paying for therapy.

    If you do have to take over the mortgage, it might be an idea to go to the mortgage provider and ask if you can have an interest only mortgage. It might also be possible to extend the term to make payments cheaper. I was able to do this years ago and although paying the interest only didn't reduce the total mortgage very much, it enabled me to stay in my home and afford the repayments.

    The light at the end of the tunnel is there and as you slowly recover you will be able to rebuild your confidence. It can't be easy for you and I hope your psychiatrist will give you more time off work to recover. Take care and stay safe. xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    Hello & welcome!

    I am new here too!

    So sorry to hear about your relationship breakdown! My heart goes out to you & your family. More hugs coming your way from me.

    With regard to your question about the length of time taking antipsychotic medication after post partum psychosis, yes, I too was on them for 18 months after my episode of ppp.

    I came off the medication last May & unfortunately had a minor relapse so was put back on them until my mood stabilised again. I am still on a slow reduction of my anti psychotic meds nearly 2 & a half years after my initial episode.

    Trusting the professional services was hard for me when I was poorly, however through taking medication & utilising local support services such as Homestart Herefordshire I have made a full recovery.

    Could you ask your support worker of any local organisations that offer support to parents in your area? MIND do have Well Being Centres in some areas where they can offer outreach services & befriending. I have spoken to their phone advisers many times when I have felt alone & vulnerable. There are some fantastic charities out there offering practical & emotional support in times of crisis.

    You are amazing & deserve love & support through this difficult time. Sending out lots of positivity to you on your road to recovery. You can do this!

  • Hi Kats88

    I can't believe everything you are having to cope with, including the financial burden now, and not being able to access therapy that may help you. I feel so sad for you. I just hope that we can be some support for you on here.

    I too wondered if there were any groups or organisations you could access in your local area that may help you, as EmilyGolds mentioned: Homestart, or Mind, or Rethink? Or maybe even something you have an interest in, nothing to do with mental health, that could be therapeutic? a kind of group - art, gardening, yoga, exercise class?? something that may make your days a bit busy and distract you, even for a moment?

    I had depression after PP, and I remember how hard it was to get out of bed, and get through the day. It was such a huge struggle. It really helped me to have just some small goals for the day - really simple ones like a list of small household jobs I would do, or going for a walk with my son. It sometimes didn't lift my mood, but it made me feel like I was 'fighting' it and I do think it made a difference over time. I also tried to go swimming (women's only, as I felt so insecure) twice a week. I also found it helpful to write two or three things that were good that day - all I could manage some days was that the sun was shining, or my son smiled or something like that, and often I didn't feel the joy but somehow for me it helped me because it was a way of fighting the depression and trying to build up some positivity.

    I also found it helpful to view the depression/illness as something separate from myself, that I had to do battle with, rather than an integral part of myself, if that makes sense? You are not the illness - underneath all this awfulness is the 'real' you - you are still there.

    I don't know if any of this is helpful, please take or leave whatever is...

    I also wondered what kind of psychiatric support you have had during your illness? Did you ever get support / diagnosis from a perinatal psychiatrist (specialised in the mental health of mothers) and is your current psychiatrist knowledgeable about mood disorders (PP/depression)? Do you feel you may need different medication or treatment than what you're getting? I only ask as there is a second opinion psychiatry service, with one of the leading perinatal psychiatrists in the country, who specialises in PP, but also mood disorders generally. It is free to access (for you and your local health authority), but you need to be referred by your local health authority or GP. If you feel this might be helpful, perhaps you could ask the team supporting you? app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

    Take care Kats88, we are all here for you

    Ellie

  • Hi ladies thank you for responding. I saw a psychiatrist at the mother and baby unit who was knowledgeable about pp and she was quite good although she did have me sectioned so not all good. My current psychiatrist thinks I have a personality disorder too but I'm currently asking for a second opinion on this as I don't agree and believe that this is depression caused by the pp and my situation at home.

    I don't want to go to hospital even though that's what the crisis team want, I've been in 3 times and I'm done with them, they're so boring and they just sedate me for the whole time I'm there. It's not fun at all.

    I haven't looked into any groups, I live in a small ish town and don't think there is anything from MIND etc but I'll look into it. I can't face doing exercise etc at the moment, I can hardly drag myself out of bed so that's something for when I'm better.

    My injection is due tomorrow and I'm still not sure whether to have it or not. I've got to go to the surgery anyway as I've got an appointment with the second opinion psychiatrist so I could have it done at the same time but in my head I feel like I'm ready to come off it now, it's been 18 months of antipsychotics and I am no longer psychotic so I don't need it.

    Kat xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I hope your appointment goes well today.

    Take care.

  • Hello. I do hope your appointment went well for you the other day.

    Yes, unfortunately services can be in short supply in small or rural areas.

    mind.org.uk/information-sup...

    I think this is the link I used to look up support in my area.

    Take good care

    Em x

  • home-start.org.uk/find-your...

    Home start page. I know even searching for things can be a drain on your energy, hope this helps. x

  • What a truly awful time you have had and are continuing to have. Constantly wanting to take an overdose is part of the illness and not part of you. The thoughts in your head are a terrible manifestation of psychosis and you must continue with the injections as advised by your psychiatrist. You may need this for a long time to help you stabilise. I have been on anti psychotic meds since my son was born 27 years ago. I do not know if that is other people's experience. The endless suicidal thoughts eventually left. I have bi polar disorder and have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety many times but eventually I decided to keep the meds going in order to stay well. It is 15 years since I relapsed and I still take the meds and am monitored by my GP. I was on a mother and baby unit for 4 months in 1990 and after such a traumatic course through mental illness throughout the whole of my adult life I am prepared to stay on the meds as they keep me well. I have had counselling which helped, been on benefits, had part time jobs and now work full time in a clerical job. My husband and I found all this so, so, hard. He did stay with me thank God, so my heart goes out to you. I promise you, you will get through this. It's a fight and an uphill battle but you will arrive in a good place in your mind. The meds are there to help for as long as you need them. Talk to as many people as you can, professional and non-professional, friends, family, anyone you feel you can open up to. Try to sleep as often as possible and go for some small walks if you can. You are a valuable person and one day you will look back on this time and be able to help someone through a similarly difficult time. Please do not give up. I am going to say a special prayer for you tonight. xx

  • Thank you, well my appointment went how I expected and I don't have a personality disorder. Which is a relief because now they should stop trying to ram DBT down my throat. They keep saying it helps with maladaptive coping mechanisms but I'm not self harming nor taking overdoses so I'm not using maladaptive coping mechanisms.

    My husband still hates me, my dad has the kids Sunday-Tuesday so my husband is staying in a hotel to get away from me. It's breaking my heart. I still love him.

    I took the kids to stay with my mum and once I was half way down there social services decided I couldn't go because the children are on the child protection register. They police checked my mum and my stepdad and my sister and eventually let me take them down there, but it was a lot of arguing and them trying to prevent me from going. I feel so trapped by it all, they are setting up a written agreement that my kids can't go anywhere without my husband which means I'm forced to sit back and watch as he takes them to his mums and enjoys them whilst I can't take them anywhere. It's beyond depressing.

    I wish I didn't have kids so I could just OD and die xx

  • I too struggled with suicidal thoughts and many times made attempts to take my life. But God was gracious to me and reminded me each time that I had the responsibility of my daughter. I didn't have child protection orders but know the frustration of needing to be with someone else constantly with my daughter. She is now four and it is only now that I feel confident on my own with her. I'm praying for your situation and hope you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For me it was a long road and I still remain on anti psychotic medicine, as well as anti depressants and anti anxiety tablets. I too know what it's like to put on weight with medication. I went from a size 14 to size 24!!!! But it does get better and although you may not be able to see it now in time you will be able to look back to this time and see how far you've come.

    I would suggest that you share your intrusive thoughts with someone you can trust. My CON was good so I could talk with her, but even when she was not available I would often call 'duty' and have even been to a&e! I worried that I would return to the ward, as I too was nearly sectioned but it was managed by the home treatment team.

    Really praying for your situation

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for your update. I'm glad you're relieved about the outcome of your appointment. It's good you have the support of your mum and dad to look after your children, although I can see how upsetting it must be for you not being able to have time with them.

    I wondered if an agreement is being set up, whether you can have any input? Perhaps it might be helpful for you to contact the Advocacy Service who can provide an advocate to speak on your behalf who is independent of Social Services and the NHS? Or is there a good friend who can accompany you to meetings and speak on your behalf?

    Local Authorities fund Advocacy Services and you will need to contact your Local Council or check its website. Try to be strong ...... although I know it's not easy when you are trying to cope with the effects of medication.

    Being the caring mum that you are, I'm sure your children are not happy if they can't be with you either. Calmly build support around you ..... just because you have had a mental illness doesn't mean you're a bad mum!! Be positive that you can get through all this. There is always hope.

    Take care. We are all here for you xx

  • Hello Kats88,

    how are you today? A lot of good suggestions have been made by all the mums above. With everything happen around you it maybe quite good to dot down all the information and try to make your voice heard. Keep on talking to as many people as possible. However, that is easier said than done. I believe that somebody who can work with you together and speak on your behalf would be of great help.

    It is so extremely difficult to sort out issues when being poorly. The Advocacy Service is a good idea for dealing with pragmatic issues and all the authorities, who are involved in your "case". I am not sure whether there is somebody with whom you could share your worries and develop some trust, whether it is a friend, a family member, or somebody who has known your experiences since becoming unwell. I believe it is important to make sure that you are listen to and your needs are recognised (especially emotionally) in order to improve your health.

    I kept with my care coordinator and she has been of great value when having to deal with authorities, but in addition developing strategies within a care plan to improve my health and welfare, so that I had the opportunity to get better and eventually to look after our child again. (allocating a team of professionals to sort out type of medication and eventually weaning off anti depressions, implementing therapy, involvement of people I trust)

    I got a lot of help and information for my individual needs when talking to Mind and attending initially a support group with them.

    You are not on your own,

    the experience of all of us will give you hopefully strength to battle through this difficult times.

    Thinking of you,

    Sabine :-)

  • Hi Kats88

    How are you doing the last few days? We are all thinking of you... It sounds like you are having to cope with so much...I hope some of the advice we have given has been helpful. I really hope that things slowly become easier for you...

    Take care X

  • Hi I'm not doing well. My ex is threatening to tell social services I'm a risk to my kids so they force me out of the house, it's terrifying. I almost hung myself yesterday and if it wasn't for the crisis team coming round I would have done it. I'm being discharged from them tomorrow though so it's going to be down to me to keep myself safe and I just don't know if I can.

    I feel at rock bottom, I haven't even got out of bed yet today and social services are coming round later to see us and I just can't face it. I'm so tired of it all and im tired of fighting to keep my head above water, I just want to give up. Xx

  • Hi Kat88

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful... things sound so hard. I know that it seems like things can't get better, but they will get better. This is temporary, and you will recover from this.

    Have you told the Crisis team how you feel? I know it can be hard to say how you feel, but it's really important that you speak to them, and tell them your thoughts and how you are feeling so they can get you the right support. Remember, you can ring them at any time, and do ring them if you feel the urge to do something is strong. If you find it hard to talk to them perhaps you could print out what you have written here and show them. If they are discharging you, do you know where you will be getting support from instead?

    What do you think could help you to feel and stay safe at home? You could write them down so you can see clearly what you can do. It could be a list of things to do that help you not to feel so low or things that lessen the thoughts (e.g. different routines or distractions) and people who you find it particularly helpful to talk to (family or professionals); people who you can ring and who could possibly stay with you, or you with them (I know you have mentioned your mum and stepdad, and your dad, in a previous post)?

    How did it go with social services? I hope it was OK?

    Have you managed to look into anything such as a mental health advocate, to help with the custody and child protection issues etc?

    I also wondered if it would be OK for me, or Hannah, the other Peer Support Coordinator, to private message you on here, so we can talk further?

    You're not alone. Write whenever you need to. We are here for you

    Ellie x

  • Hi kats88,

    I am so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. I just want you to know how strong you are by dealing with all that you are going through whilst you are feeling so low.

    I know it is so hard to believe when you are feeling the way you are, but you will get better. How are you feeling since your last post? Have you spoken with anyone today about how you are feeling?

    Please keep talking to us, we are here to listen,

    Sally xx

  • Hello Kats88

    How are you tonight? You are going through so much with little support so I can understand how desperate you must feel. I'm surprised the crisis team are discharging you tomorrow and hope they will offer some sort of support to you as it seems unfair when you need them most.

    I hope you will allow Ellie or Hannah to private message you for support to talk. You can also speak to The Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123. I hope you manage to sleep tonight.

    We are all thinking of you ... please keep in touch to get your feelings out xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    Sending you love and thinking of you, I'm so sorry things are feeling so bad. Please don't lose hope, you can get through this.

    I hope you've been offered more support, you shouldn't be left to cope alone when feeling like this. We're all here for you, keep talking to us.

    J xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Is it possible your mum and sister can be with you today for support? I hope you are ok. Stay safe and take care.

  • Hi Kats88

    I just wanted to add my thoughts to you here too and that I have been thinking of you and hoping that the appointment today goes ok.

    Please try and be as honest with the crisis team as you can. Feeling so low and hopeless can be exhausting and I hope you can rest a little too.

    If you would like to be in touch via private message, as Ellie mentioned, please drop us a line. If you click on my username there should be the option there for writing direct.

    Hang in there, you can do this and we are all standing with you. Take care and stay safe, xx

  • I haven't slept, I haven't eaten since Saturday, I've lost half a stone in a week, I feel exhausted and low, I'm not strong enough to do this anymore.

    I refused to let the crisis team in yesterday as I didn't want to see anyone, so they're definitely discharging me today. Then I'll just see my care coordinator weekly but that's it.

    My ex husband is leaving for good and has found somewhere to live so I'm just going to be completely alone. I'm not allowed the kids unsupervised and I have to have a parenting assessment which is 8 sessions long in a contact centre to see my own children.

    I can't bear it, everything is a mess and I can't cope with it all.

    Ellie or Hannah you're welcome to pm me xx

  • Hi Kats88, I have messaged you. Sorry to hear things are so hard, please stay in touch if you'd like. We are all thinking of you. Take care, xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm so sorry you're very low and it's so hard for you. Has your mum or sister been able to visit you today? You will need a lot of support and I'm glad Ellie and Hannah are in contact. You must try and eat, if only little and often, or else you will be so dehydrated and weak. We are all with you and I've been thinking about you today ......

    Stay safe and take really good care of yourself. xx

  • My sister is in Spain and my mum lives 4 hours away so no, no one has visited. I had therapy today and told her a bit about how I was feeling, and she said she was concerned but I don't think she's going to tell anyone thank god. The crisis team also discharged me today so I'm back to just my care coordinator and the community psychiatrist. I don't know when I'll see him again though. Everything just massively sucks and I wish it could all be over. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for coming back. Hopefully you will be able to build up trust with the therapist after a few sessions. How often will you be seeing her? I hope the care co-ordinator will be helpful and understanding too.

    Will your mum be able to visit if you need her? It's such a lot for you to cope with on your own and you will really need to draw on all your strength to get through it ..... but you will for the love of your children. Perhaps in time when your ex realizes that all your odd behavior (similar to mine) was due to PP and nothing to do with you he will return to his family. I'm sorry I'm not much comfort but I really hope you will find your way.

    I hope you manage to sleep tonight. Please keep writing to us as we are all with you. Xx

  • I see my therapist every week, I've been going since February so I've seen her a while now. I do trust her but she's got a duty under the child protection plan to report anything of concern to social services. Hopefully she won't though.

    My mum won't come and visit as she's too far away but my dad can if needed, although he's not much help to be honest. He keeps telling me to just get better but it's easier said than done, I'm so far away from being better I'm consumed by suicidal thoughts all day and night and it's a struggle to stay safe.

    My husband is determined that it's over and that there is no going back so sadly I don't think he will ever come back to me. It breaks my heart. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope the therapist knows you enough by now not disclose everything and perhaps recognize that some days are different for you.

    It's a shame your mum lives too far away. My PP was a long time ago and my parents still to this day won't discuss how ill I was. I have since read my notes that it was very traumatic for them too. My husband was also asked not to speak about my 'illness' due to stigma either inside or outside the home, so he never did.

    I'm sorry you're having such thoughts which I have had too but you can't be blamed as this is the illness taking over and can be very demanding. I heard a voice commanding me and have read that I was actively suicidal so went into hospital as an outpatient for treatment. I know you don't want to but do you think it would help if you went into hospital for say, a weekend? You are coping with so much on your own so I can understand how much of a struggle it is. Did the community psychiatrist have an ongoing care plan for you now that you have been discharged from the Crisis Team?

    I'm sorry your husband is so determined to leave after supporting you so much at the beginning of your PP. I've said before that when he has left he might have second thoughts about everything and return home so try not to give up hope. The relationship we had as a couple took a turn for the worse during my second PP because of my delusions and self harm. It was thought I'd never recover. I can only imagine how stressful the arrangements for seeing your children must be for you.

    It's not easy but try to distract yourself from your thoughts. Even though your dad doesn't understand it might be an idea just to talk to him so that you can focus on how you feel and not on your thoughts. Is it possible for you to speak to your children when they stay with your dad or perhaps this might be upsetting for you?

    I'm sorry if I've rambled on ... I just wanted to share my experience in the hope that you will recognize similarities and feel that even in the depths of despair you will fully recover in your own time. I think you need to ask the community psychiatrist about a plan to guide you through such a traumatic illness and constantly review your care.

    Thanks for coming back ....... stay safe and take care. I hope you have been able to eat a little today. We are all with you. Xx

  • I haven't eaten today, I'm just not hungry. I've lost 6lbs this week alone, I can't face eating.

    You didn't ramble on at all, I wish I shared your hope about recovering but I don't feel like I ever will. My voices commanding me to kill myself have gone now thanks to the depixol injection but I still feel suicidal and low. I'm on 375mg venlafaxine as well which helps lift my mood to an extent but it's not getting rid of the suicidal thoughts.

    I don't want to go to hospital because it would be a step backwards and I'm trying to prove to social services that I'm recovering and can look after my kids alone. They're never going to let me do that if I've been back inside another psychiatric ward even if it was just for a few days. I haven't seen the community psychiatrist since I was discharged so I don't know about a care plan. My care coordinator was meant to do one with me but she just gave me the blank paperwork and told me to fill it in... problem is I'm rubbish at these things and I don't know what to put.

    Yeah I speak to my kids whilst they are at my dads, I try to go and see them on a Monday as well whilst they are there so I get as much time with them as possible if I'm feeling up to getting up and dressed and down there. Today I didn't even get dressed and it was a struggle to have a shower, it felt like a massive effort to do something so basic. I just can't get away from inside my head telling me that I'd be better off dead and my kids would be better off without me in their lives xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I was honestly like you and thought I would never recover. Following my second PP I also had depression which took me to a new low that dragged me down for almost a year. I had days when I didn't want to get out of bed and personal hygiene went out of the window. I was so flat.

    I'm glad the voices have gone due to the injection. Perhaps the suicidal thoughts will fade with further treatment and review of medication. Is this something you can discuss with your therapist? Are you being open with professionals about how you really feel? I was very suspicious of professionals but they are there to help.

    I can understand why you don't want to go into hospital so is it possible for you to have more care at home to build your confidence and self-esteem? I think your doctor needs to discuss your care with you and make a plan to decide what support you need and treatment. The next time your care co-ordinator visits I would ask her to take time to fill in the paperwork with you. It's very hard for you to focus on filling out forms as there is so much more to think about.

    I'm glad you are able to see your kids quite often as I imagine just being in their company can lift your mood. Try to focus your energy on getting out of bed so that you'll be able to see them as I'm sure they love spending time with you. Your kids would definitely not be better off without you so, as hard as it is, fight back at that voice trying to control you. You are priceless to your kids and with the right medical help and support you will find your place again.

    If you can't face eating, is it possible to ask your doctor to prescribe some nutritional drinks to maintain your energy levels? You are a great mum coping with such a lot and we are all here to listen if it helps you.. Stay safe and take good care. Xx

  • I'm struggling to get out of bed today. I just can't face being up and dealing with the kids, I'm too tired but I can't sleep. I've got to take the kids to my dads but I don't have the energy to do it all.

    I'm not being honest with the professionals because when I am they try to put me in hospital and I need my care coordinator and therapist on my side for the child protection meetings and that means I have to be seen to be recovering even though I'm not. So I'm constantly telling them all that I'm coping and doing ok when the reality is I'm not coping at all.

    I will ask my cc to go through the care plan with me, because I don't have the energy to start doing it on my own.

    As for eating, I'm doing ok without food, I've still got 2 stone to lose to be back at a happy weight so I don't need anything. I ate half a pasta salad portion on Friday and that's enough to sustain me for a while. Xx

  • I found it very hard to get out of bed when I was at home. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with my kids and routine. In the end I had to do things slowly ..... sit on the end of the bed for a few minutes to gather my thoughts and try to go from there. It's a shame if you can't take your kids to see their grandad. It might be cooler in the fresh air than in bed too but I understand how difficult it is from day to day.

    I'm sorry you're not coping at all, it must be so hard. Hopefully when the care plan is in place all the professionals will work together to help you. Did you think about the advocacy service I mentioned earlier in the thread? It would be a good idea to have someone to speak on your behalf as I imagine the cp meetings must be very stressful for you. I know when I sat in a room with professionals I found it a struggle to keep up.

    Please be careful about your weight loss, it's not good to lose so quickly, especially in this warm weather if you are in the UK.

    Stay safe and take care. Thanks for coming back ......

  • I am in the U.K. And yes it's very hot today. I've eaten lunch today as I managed to get to my dads and we all went out for lunch.

    I hear the kids wake up in the morning but I just can't drag myself out of bed, it's like I'm stuck and can't get out. I don't know how I'll cope when I'm on my own with them, I'm going to be getting up at 6am with both of them every day and it's going to be so hard. I'm not a morning person anyway so I'm absolutely dreading the expectation that I will constantly have to get up with them. My eldest is autistic and he doesn't sleep through the night, he's up constantly and is a right pain so I'm going to struggle. I don't know how I'm going to cope.

    I haven't contacted the advocacy service because I have a fear of using the phone, so I can't ring anyone. I can't even ring my GP, or the hairdresser or anyone. It's a horrible thing to have anxiety over. I don't even know why I'm so scared of doing it, I'm ok at work using the phone so I don't know what's so different at home. I desperately need my hair doing but I'm so scared of ringing so I've been putting it off.

    I'm all alone now, the kids are with my dad and my husband is in a hotel. I really struggle on my own, it feels so lonely and I miss my husband so much. I just want him back so badly but he's having none of it. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    That's great news that you all went out to lunch today. You did really well to coax yourself from your bed! I think you will surprise yourself when you're on your own with your children as I think responsibility kicks in. I was on my own with my sons since my youngest was ten and both now have families of their own.

    I was beside myself worrying that I wouldn't wake up and be able to cope with them. I remember one morning lying in bed, thinking to myself, "Well, if I don't get up no one will". It's a big thing getting breakfast and making sure you are out of the house so they won't be late for school but if I did it, anyone can, although I appreciate it will be difficult for you with your eldest who might need extra help. You will feel so proud of yourself too that despite everything you definitely can do it .....

    That must be so annoying not being able to use the phone at home. Does your hairdresser have an email address? That's positive that you're thinking about your appearance isn't it? Also that you're working is a surprise as you must feel under a lot of pressure I think you will also be able to contact your council for the advocacy service via the internet if you think that would be helpful. Your GP should also have a webpage as in some surgeries it's possible to book online appointments.

    I'm sure it feels lonely when you have had company today. Perhaps you could make a start on listing places to contact for when your children are at home with you? I'm not sure but I think there are SureStart Support Groups and also Gingerbread if there is a group local to you. I think this would also be a good idea to show at the next cp meeting that you are thinking ahead to when your children will be home with you? I think the more supported you are, the better you will feel and is evidence that you have reached out into the community.

    I hope you manage to sleep tonight. Thanks again for coming back.

    Stay safe and take good care ..... you've been amazing today. Xx

  • I've been off work for nearly 2 years now as I've been so ill but I'm due to go back on 6th July and I've got to do it to make sure I can pay the mortgage. I'm dreading going back and seeing everyone again but I've got no choice. I actually work at the council so i might be able to email someone about the advocacy service once I'm back.

    What's gingerbread?

    I'm off to bed now, I hope I manage to get some sleep. It's been hard the last few nights waking up so early and not being able to get back to sleep.

    I'm hoping that I can cope with the kids but the reality is I don't think I'll be able to do it, I think I will fall apart and be so exhausted and unable to cope. I'll be working too so have that added pressure of getting to work on time and getting them both out of the house on time. The thought of doing it makes me have panic attacks, I know I'm not ready for it yet.

    I'm struggling tonight, my suicidal thoughts are so strong. I've got a banging headache and the idea of freeing myself from all this heartache and pain just feels liberating and like it's the right thing to do. No one would find me until Tuesday evening so I could be sure to do enough damage and make sure I was definitely gone. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry your struggling tonight and have a headache. I hope you manage to sleep as it's very warm. I know how hard it must be for you but please try and be strong. It sounds like you had a good day with your dad and children and there will be lots of days to look forward to when you fully recover, which you really will.

    Try not to worry yourself with thinking about managing your children, just take things a day at a time until you feel stronger.

    Gingerbread is a support group which might be helpful. Please stay safe and ring Samaritans if you need to talk during the night on 116 123. Take care. Xx

  • Hi kats88,

    I'm sorry you're struggling tonight and the suicidal thoughts are so strong, you're doing so well and things can and will get better.

    I think the anticipation of big change such as going back to work can be so much worse than the reality - or you can't see how you'll manage but when it comes to it, somehow you find a way. The routine and need to get you all where you need to be in the mornings might actually help in a way... but as lilybeth says, just take things one day at a time.

    I hope you get some sleep tonight. Thinking of you xx

  • Thank you both of you.

    I am trying to take it a day at a time, even an hour at a time right now because things are so bad. I was hoping to be asleep by now but my sleeping tablet hasn't worked so I'm still up and struggling.

    I hope that having a new routine to work towards will help in a way, as the kids need some stability and it looks like it's me that's going to have to give that to them. It still gives me panic attacks thinking of it though. Right now my parents do a lot but it won't be forever and I'll have to take them back eventually when I get unsupervised access to them.

    It's such a scary place to be. And my parenting assessment that starts of Tuesday for 8 sessions is scaring the life out of me and is bringing on panic attacks left right and centre. I just want to run away and hide. I'm not ready for all this xx

  • Did anyone ring the police on me?

  • No. What's happened? Are you ok? x

  • Hello Kats88

    Although our experiences are real we are all virtual so we didn't phone the police. Are you ok now? Are you at home?

    Take care.

  • No the police have dragged me to hospital under the mental capacity act. I'm sat here alone waiting for the psych team xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm really sorry you've been taken to hospital when that's not what you have wanted. That sounds horrible being dragged to hospital by the police. As others have said we didn't ring anyone, as you know this is an anonymous forum

    I really hope that you get support, I know you are struggling so much. Do write to us whenever you need to

    Ellie

  • Hello Kats88

    What an awful experience for you. Is it possible your dad can come to the hospital to be with you? I think the crisis team might have discharged you too early so it's not your fault.

    Take care .... we are all with you.

  • Thinking of you this morning at such a difficult time. You are not on your own, we are here listening to you.

  • My dad has my kids so can't come to be with me. I'm completely alone and I'm exhausted as they knocked on my door at 4.50am. They detained me under the mental capacity act xx

  • That must have been so awful at that time in the morning. Are you still waiting to be seen? I hope you are ok .... we are all thinking of you xx

  • They let me come home but then I was talking to a friend and said I had my day planned out and she thought I meant I had planned out my suicide so she's called the police again so now I'm waiting for them to come back out and take me back to hospital. You couldn't make this day up... all I wanted to do was have a sleep this afternoon as I'm exhausted from being woken up xx

  • I'm so sorry for you, it's such a misunderstanding between friends. It's a shame you are having to wait again to go back to hospital. Perhaps it might go in your favour if you tell them you are due to start your parenting sessions tomorrow? I'm not surprised you're exhausted. xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry you've had such an awful morning. It must be hard to know your friend has rung the police but I'm sure behind it is that she loves and cares about you and wants you to be safe.

    I know it's hard but do try to be open about how you really are, you are coping with so much, you need support , and it's ok to say that.

    Thinking of you a lot keep writing whenever you need to, we are here for you xx

  • It's not ok to say I need support because they will keep me in hospital when I'm fine and don't need to be there. I'm so stressed now that I've started seeing things again, there are spiders all over my house and they're trying to attack me. They're big and black and they're everywhere I look, trying to get away from my eye line but I see them.

    The police haven't turned up yet so I'm just lying in bed where I feel safest away from the spiders with my eyes closed just waiting for them to turn up. There's voices telling me to kill myself but no one knows about them as it's our secret, I promised I wouldn't tell on them. Xx

  • I hope you won't have to wait much longer as you're stressed now and that the voices will calm down. If you can tell the doctors how you really feel they will be able to help you as you must be so exhausted.

    Stay safe and take care Xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry you're having such horrible thoughts about the spiders.

    I hope too that they will come soon as you sound as the waiting sounds so stressful.

    Keep safe, it's good that you've found where you feel safest and the images and voices aren't as loud.

    Thinking of you x

  • They're not thoughts they're actually there. My whole house is infested. I can't tell anyone though because they will think I'm poorly and will lock me up when I'm actually ok. The voices are my secret, I live with them but I don't tell anyone because otherwise they might say I'm unwell. The police still haven't arrived so I'm assuming that they're not coming and even though my friend rang 999 they must believe I'm fine. I did call them to tell them I was fine. I don't need them to come and take me back to hospital again I just want to be left alone. I haven't taken my medication for a couple of days now and I just feel so lost and heartbroken over the loss of my husband xx

  • Hi kats88

    Your thoughts sound scary and I know you're feeling so alone.

    I know it is hard but Please do try and open up to someone and tell someone about how you are feeling. You deserve support, help and love. Can you phone your dad, or mum, on the phone?

    It's great you're writing to us. We are here for you

    Ellie

  • I've just spoken to my dad and he wasn't nice at all. He was sarcastic and nasty and told me to stop using forums like this xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Try to rest as you are having a tiring day. Perhaps your therapist will visit and you can ask about restarting your medication?

    Stay safe and don't worry .... we are with you xx

  • I'm not due to see my therapist until Thursday, I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow though so I'll speak to her about restarting it or I might just take it tomorrow and hope that it starts working. The police still aren't here and I want to try and sleep, it's the only way I feel safe from everything. My dad has just spoken to me and he called me stupid and said it was my own fault I ended up in hospital so I'm feeling a bit battered by that, he wasn't nice at all. I miss my husband, I really need him right now he knows what to do if I start relapsing again which I think I am. I just hide it away until I can't bear it anymore xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you will be able to see your care co-ordinator tomorrow, just for someone to talk to. I'm sorry your dad upset you, it's very hard for family to understand this illness and how it pushes you in one direction and another.

    If you think you're relapsing perhaps you should see your G.P as it's so hard to cope with all your feelings on your own. Stay safe. xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    it has been a difficult day. Intrusive thoughts are very tiring, too.

    thinking of you, -you are not alone.

    Be safe.

    Sabine xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry your dad reacted like that, that is so hard.

    You are coping with so much.

    For myself I found keeping taking my medication essential to staying well , I know it's hard but do try and take it, meds really will help you to get better, this was my experience.

    It's really good you're seeing your care coordinator tomorrow. I know it's hard to be open but do try and be open with her, and tell her how you are feeling. I know you're fearful of what will happen but it will mean that they will know what you support you need.

    Thinking of you so much x

  • The police have just been. I told them I was fine and they left me to it. Now hopefully that's the end of it and I'm free to do what I want. They didn't take me back to hospital thank god, or make anyone come and be with me. So I'm back to being alone and scared because the spiders are everywhere I look. They're horrible. I hope I'm not relapsing because I can't bear for my medication to be increased again, it already makes me so tired. And I can't face another stay in hospital xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I think you need a good rest after such a stressful day. Hopefully your care co-ordinator will be able to advise you about your care plan tomorrow.

    Stay safe. xx

  • I'm resting now, just lying on the sofa watching tv. I've cried so much today my eyes hurt. I've spoken to my mum who is coming up on Saturday to see me because I'm so upset. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't keep afloat. I'm not coping at all with being alone, I want my husband back so much it hurts. I've told him how heartbroken I am but he just says his decision is made and nothing is changing his mind. It hurts so much to be rejected by the person you love unconditionally. I miss him so much. Xx

  • Hello again, Kats88

    I am so sorry that you feel so heart broken.

    However, I am pleased that you can find some rest now after such a turbulent day. Your mum is going to come this Saturday for support.

    Your care coordinator will be able to listen to you and develop your care plan according to your needs. Step by step you will be able to establish a support network.

    Stay safe and hope you can relax a bit. x

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad your mum is coming to see you on Saturday as you have been so upset today. Try to focus on tomorrow and getting the care plan in place with your care-co-ordinator so that you can have the support you need.

    If you can't use the phone and need help during the night the Samaritans have an email address which is jo@samaritans.org.

    Stay safe and take care xx

  • Thank you. I've just had a shower to wash the spiders off me because I can feel them crawling on me. My dog won't stop barking at me and it's making me stressed as I'm too tired to play with him. I think he's barking to warn me about the spiders but I've already seen them.

    I'm really struggling. I want to give up, my suicidal thoughts are strong and I'm battling to stay safe. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Hopefully the shower will help you to relax and sleep. Try to think about what a good time you had with your dad and your children on Sunday and how much they love you. It is a struggle but you can get through all of this and be happy again ........

    Please stay safe. You could also email the Samaritans just to talk through the night but I hope you can sleep.

  • Hi Kats88

    You are doing so well to reach out and get support even though you are feeling alone and missing your husband - like phoning your mum and dad (though I know your dad wasn't helpful), contacting your friend, and writing to us, and you are fighting the suicidal thoughts. You've had such a hard day. As the others say do contact the Samaritans if you need to.

    I do hope that you can get some support from your care coordinator tomorrow too, and I hope too you can rest and sleep tonight (I found sleep was so important). Is there something you can do to pass the time and distract yourself - like adult colouring, watching a favourite non taxing film, or anything else?

    Thinking of you a lot

    Ellie X

  • I don't feel like I can get through this and I certainly won't ever be happy again, my one shot at happiness has been robbed by pp and I'll never get it back. I just want my husband back but it's never going to happen.

    I'm fighting the suicidal thoughts but it's getting difficult, I just want to act on them now, I've had enough, today has been awful and it's just a reminder of how bad my life is now and how this is as good as it gets for me. A life of misery and isolation is not what I want, I'd rather be dead so I don't have to face it. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I know it feels hopeless at the moment and you don't believe that your life can get better or you can be happy again. I know it's really hard to believe but I promise you can get better, and live a really fulfilled life. I know you don't feel it, and you feel alone, but you do have family, and friends who care about you, and you will get better, if you get the right support.

    It's so good you are writing to us, hold on Kats88, there is light and hope though I know you don't feel it now.

    XX

  • I don't feel like there is any light in my life. Just a sad lonely existence. I've cleaned my lounge tonight to try and remove the spiders but it's no use, every time I blink I see them and I can feel them on me too. All I want to do is give up and let myself go, free from this agony wHich is my life. Free from all the hurt and heartache and loneliness. It feels peaceful thinking about it, knowing I could stop this pain if I just had the strength to act on my thoughts. My dad said I was being selfish but really I don't care, I am a terrible mother so the kids would be better off without me and so would the rest of my family as I just cause hurt and upset to all of them. Maybe it's not selfish but more selfless to kill myself as it would make their lives better too. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I know it feels like there is no light, and that your family would be better off without you, but that is the illness that is making you feel that way - it is not the 'truth'. This is what I found - after I started to get better, I realised that the depression and PP had distorted everything that I saw and felt, I couldn't see clearly. When I recovered it was like I could see clearly again.

    You can recover, you love your children, and your family, you are not a bad mum, you are just unwell. You will get better.

    I am going off line now as it is getting late, but do try and stay safe, do ring or contact someone if you need to - your mum? the Samaritans?

    Thinking of you a lot XX

  • Hi Kats88,

    What a terrible day you've had. I'm so sorry. Please don't think your family would be better off without you, it's not true. You've shown such strength already, you can beat this. Please do contact the Samaritans if you need to tonight, I hope you get some rest xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you were able to sleep. Try and tell the care co-ordinator how you really feel so that she can find the right help for you.

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • Thinking of you Kats88. Hope you are resting. You will be able to get through this tough time. You are so strong, despite feeling so poorly. You have managed to correspond with us and seeking help from your family.

    Mums on this forum are listening to you and feel for you. You are not on your own.

    Sabine x

  • Thank you everyone.

    My health visitor came out today and she started saying I wasn't well and she refused to leave until my care coordinator got here. She kept asking me what I'd taken despite not taking anything and she kept going on about how concerned she was.

    Eventually my care coordinator arrived and I basically told her I was fine and she agreed apart from me not eating and she said that the health visitor just wasn't used to dealing with people with pp and depression. I've had to agree to start eating again but I won't, I'll just tell them I'm eating salad etc which is why I'm still losing weight. I am not remotely hungry so there's no point in me eating just for the sake of it.

    The health visitor was really horrible and said she would recommend that I'm NEVER allowed to see my kids unsupervised. And the social worker called round as well and she's decided not to do the parenting assessment yet because it's too unfair on me as it wouldn't take into account my mental health problems.

    The spiders are still here and I can feel bugs crawling all over my face. This is like what I had in my last relapse so I'm frightened. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    It was good to hear your update.

    Can you open up at all to your care coordinator, as obviously you're really struggling, from everything you have said on here. It's so important you get support, and that your care coordinator knows how you really are, and the thoughts you're struggling with. It sounds like she is very understanding and sympathetic, and would be able to support you well. I really found that it was through being really honest with my care coordinator, psychologist, counsellor etc about how I really was, and the thoughts I was struggling with, that I was able to overcome them and get better.

    It's good to hear that they aren't going to do the parenting assessment yet, that must be a weight of your mind. It is true that it wouldn't be fair, when you are still feeling mentally unwell.

    Do you know when you'll see your Care Coordinator next?

    I wondered if you have taken your medication today? I know I have said it already, but I really found taking my medication, as agreed with my psychiatrist, was crucial to getting better and recovering. Your medication will help in terms of preventing a relapse.

    Do you have any plans today? can you keep yourself busy with something, and create a bit of a plan for yourself, I know this really helped me. you mentioned your dog, perhaps you could take him for a walk? I know it's so hot though!

    Thinking of you,

    Ellie X

  • I can't really open up to anyone because of the child protection plan. Everything I say gets passed back to social services and is viewed negatively. Social services already looked down on the trip to hospital yesterday and said they would have to speak to their manager about it because it's yet another step backwards.

    I'm next seeing her on Friday at 3pm. They've stopped me driving as of today too so they've totally isolated me and taken away my freedom. I can't even go to my dads house now to see the kids. I feel even more alone and rubbish now.

    I have taken my medication today so hopefully that will help. I have no plans, I was really tired so I came up for a nap but haven't really slept, just relaxed in bed where it's safe. Xx

  • Hello Kats,

    I am pleased your health visitor came today. My health visitor was a lovely and a very professional lady. She was with me in the first two years. I was able to be very open to her.

    I usually made a list of all the things which were positive and negative with the way how I felt. In a way I kept a diary. Even though I did not trust, I was able to built a relationship with my health visitor and always used my notes. My concentration level was low and anxiety extremely high.

    The health visitor, my GP and care coordinator all had been included in my care plan. They were the link to my family. Everybody involved created a backbone in order to help and support me. When being so poorly I made sure to tell everybody involved exactly how I was feeling, which was of vital importance. They were able to feedback to my Psychiatrist, who was making sure that I have had the right medication and learn to take them regularly, not only when in hospital, but also at home.

    The Crisis Team and Social Services had been involved in my case too, as I was unable to look after my baby. Once the support network had been established, Social Services was not part of the Support Network anymore. Priority is the health and welfare of mum and baby.

    Those intrusive thoughts is part of your illness. I only realised much later that several teams including members of my family wanted nothing else, but making sure I would feel better.

    We are all thinking of you on this forum. Please do communicate with the professionals. I learnt to look after my baby once the Psychosis was beaten.

    Try and rest, because you have had two visits. You may feel exhausted or your mind is racing.

    Stay safe x

  • My health visitor is a horrible woman. She had the cheek to tell me I'd never get unsupervised access to my own children. All I have is depression, so many mum's have depression and are allowed their children so why can't I? It's just not fair, at all. I hate the health visitor and am going to write to her manager and formally decline the health visiting service as I believe is my right. She's not professional at all and she certainly isn't lovely. She just went on about how unwell I am and asking if I'd taken anything when I hadn't.

    I can't communicate with the professionals as everything I say is immediately sent back to the social worker who acts like everything is concerning when it's not. All I want is unsupervised access to my children and I want them back with me. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Try not to worry about what the Social Worker has said because, as your care-co-ordinator mentioned, she is probably not used to dealing with PP and depression. She probably doesn't have the authority to say that anyway and is very insensitive. If she had any knowledge about PP she would know that it's a temporary illness and very treatable. Depression too is also manageable with the right support. Social Services usually want to keep families together so I don't think she should have said you will never be able to have unsupervised access.

    I think if you are unhappy with the Social Worker you will be able to ask that she is not sent to you again rather than decline the service. Perhaps a more experienced Social Worker can be sent next Friday instead as their support will help you to access other services to help in your care. I think they can help with domestic jobs around the house until you are back on your feet. Your hospital visit yesterday was due to a misunderstanding with a friend and you were seen and discharged so I don't think it was a setback.

    I'm sorry to hear you're unable to drive from today to see your children at your dad's. Is there a bus service or coach you could use instead? .

    It seems your care co-ordinator is more understanding. Don't be discouraged by what has happened today. Try to build a plan to get over the obstacles ..... although your main travel to see your children will be affected, try to find an alternative so that Social Services can see you have made the effort to see them. Keep taking your medication to keep you stable so Social Services can see you are compliant. As you slowly recover and Social Services can see an improvement they will probably review the access arrangements as they are not set in stone.

    Perhaps you will be able to talk to your therapist on Thursday about a plan to take you forward?I'm glad your mum is visiting on Saturday to comfort and reassure you that you are coping really well and you can fully recover.

    Stay safe and strong ..... step by step you will have better days. You're a loving mum having a hard time, which the care co-ordinator has recognized, so don't be disheartened. xx

  • I am totally disheartened, it feels like I'm never going to be allowed to be in sole charge of my children. Especially now the parenting assessment has been postponed so they can't even say I'm good at parenting the children. It's just not fair, my ex husband is clearly having a breakdown but he's still allowed to be with the children alone but I'm not allowed and I've just got depression. I don't know what the point of living is because without my kids there's no hope at all.

    I've taken my medication today as well so I am being compliant even though I don't see the point in taking it because it's not working anyway. There's no bus service to my dads it's straight down the motorway so sadly I'm just even more isolated now as I can't afford a taxi as it's £50 each way. I don't know how I'm going to cope not being allowed to drive, it was my only way of getting out and about. I don't live near town so walking isn't an option and there's no bus service to Tesco either.

    I just feel really shitty today after everything that's happened. I've totally lost the will to live xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Don't give up hope! In a way I think it's a good that the parenting assessment has been postponed to give you a chance to feel a bit better when the sessions are next arranged. Try to believe in yourself ...... you are a good mum battling an awful illness and other issues. Your children love you unconditionally and you will find a way to show that you can cope.

    If your medication isn't working can you ask your G.P for a review or let the therapist know? I'm sure your dad will be able to bring your children to meet you as you said he can if needed. Or is there a megabus (uk.megabus.com) service in your area as they provide very cheap travel on motorways? Or is there a train route you could try? Tesco provide a delivery service via the internet so you could try that instead of using the phone. I think you just need to consider all options and don't be defeated.

    It's been hard for you today but hold on to the happiness you bring to your children when you visit them and their love for you in return.

    We are all with you. xx

  • My husband has just told me that the social worker said it will be up to a year before I'm allowed the kids on my own. A year!!! I don't have a year to wait, I can't do that, I just can't. I can't have supervised contact for a whole year of their lives.

    There's no trains to my dads and he can't drive as he is blind so he relies on me driving to see the kids. It's the only chance I get to see them so they can't take that away from me. I'm going to drive regardless of what they say.

    I've already told my psychiatrist that it isn't working but his method is just to keep increasing the dose. I'm now on 375mg venlafaxine which is as high as it goes and I still want to kill myself. Even more so now I know it could be over a year before I get to see my kids alone again. I don't see what I've got to live for xx

  • H kats88

    It sounds like you've had a really tough day. Not being able to drive for the moment sounds hard but I wonder if there are other options? We don't have a car and I don't drive, and I do manage to get around. It sounds hard for you though, in your situation.

    I know that it seems like it is better just to tell those supporting you that you are fine, but from my experience , and hearing from others (for example jasa who wrote about her experience), if you are open and honest with professionals supporting you, telling them how you are struggling and your thoughts, that will probably be seen in a positive light, rather than negative, as you are seeking help and accessing and using all the support. They will probably worry more, and be concerned, if you just keep saying you are fine, when it seems that they are aware that you're struggling (for example not letting you drive). In my experience mental health professionals really care and want to help.

    It's so great you want your kids back with you, hold onto this, this will help you recover. I know my son was one of my main motivations when I was fighting the depression.

    Take care, thinking of you x

  • I can get the bus into town but there are no other options for getting to my dads house, we are on opposite train lines, I'd have to get about 5 buses to get there and I can't afford a taxi.

    I've just about had all I can take. Life has thrown so much at me and I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong enough, I can't cope. All I want is my family back to how it was but I'm never going to have that again. My life is over xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Try not to be so anxious and wait to see what your therapist thinks on Thursday. Perhaps she will be able to ask the psychiatrist for advice regarding your medication.

    I'm really sorry I assumed your dad could drive.

    I'm going offline now as it's late but if you do need support during the night, please email the Samaritans, jo@samaritans.org.

    Stay safe. I hope you will be able to sleep.

  • Hello Kats88

    We are all thinking of you .... take care today. xx

  • Hi kats88 thinking of you today x

  • I got some sleep but I've been up all morning with a stomach bug, I feel horrific. I haven't eaten so it's just bile and I can't bear it. This is the last thing I need especially in this heat. I've had to cancel the social worker coming round and I'm just lying in my bed feeling sorry for myself. I'm tempted to take an overdose and hope it knocks me out for a few hours xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. I think if you drink plenty of water it might help but if you are still not well a visit to your doctor might be an idea.

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • Dear Kats88

    I am sorry you feel poorly. It is rather hot at the moment. Suggestion of water is a good idea for a bad stomach.

    I am thinking of you, we all do on this forum. It is good to talk.

    Try to stay safe. xx

  • I want to be dead xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I'm so sorry you're feeling sick. As others say it's so important that you drink a lot as you will get dehydrated, and even more so in this heat.

    When you stop feeling sick I'd also really recommend eating a bit, as not eating will mean you have poor immune system, and you will pick up bugs more easily. I know you are feeling so low but it's so important to try and look after yourself. You can fight this horrible illness.

    It sounds like you're struggling so much. Do ring your doctor, or even your mental health team, and you can also ring Samaritans. I know it's hard but they can help you.

    Try to rest too, maybe watch a fun guilty pleasure film to distract you?

    Thinking of you a lot X

  • I am resting, I'm just lying in bed watching tv I tried to take pills to knock me out but they didn't work and I'm still here and awake. I haven't even got up today, all I want is to die, I can't think of anything else. My life is a mess and there's no hope of it ever getting better. I'm totally lost, I feel like I'm not strong enough to be here any more. I am existing, not living, and it feels terrible.

    I've eaten some jelly babies today but that's all I can stomach, I'm just not hungry at all. I've lost the will to eat and live, I just want it all over now. I don't feel like anyone can help me, I am alone and I miss my old life so much it hurts xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Hopefully you will feel better by resting today. Your therapist might be able to help you tomorrow with things that are hard for you. I think your mum's visit on Saturday might make all the difference to how you feel and can go forward.

    Stay safe. xx

  • I hope you're right because right now I feel so hopeless and depressed. I don't want to be here any more. I've tried, I've done my best, but it isn't good enough. I'm a rubbish mum and a rubbish wife so much so my husband can't even bear to be near me and I've failed at every bit of my life. Everyone would be better off if I wasn't around, it would make life so much easier for everyone. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I think we have all felt helpless and hopeless but with the right support from your therapist and other professionals you will get better. I know it's very hard to believe at the moment but it's really possible.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself. You're not a rubbish mum and you mean everything to your children so try to be positive. Can you speak to your mum or dad for support until your mum's visit on Saturday?

    Hopefully the therapist will sort the care plan out for you tomorrow and your mum will find a way to lift your mood ...... even just a hug can do that :) Stay safe Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I know it feels hopeless but there is always hope. It's like breaking your leg, but instead of your leg it is your brain. It is not your fault. You are more than the depression. You are more than the illness. Inside there is the 'real' you, the well you, and you can find that again.

    Have you ever heard of the book 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig? He suffered / suffers from depression and anxiety, he had a breakdown, and has been suicidal. I haven't read all the book but I've read some of it. It is very easy to read, lot's of short quotes. Also there is an audio version of it which you might find easier? A lot of people say it has really helped them.

    amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Reason...

    One quote I like:

    'Depression is also smaller than you. Always, it is smaller than you, even when it feels vast. It operates within you, you do not operate within it. It may be a dark cloud passing across the sky but - if that is the metaphor - you are the sky. You were there before it. And the cloud can't exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud.'

    I know you are at rock bottom now, but that means you can only get better. Please - do try and open up completely with the people supporting you - your therapist, your care coordinator, even the social worker or health visitor, also your mum at the weekend. I know it's so hard but I really feel that it would be a first small step in you overcoming this, and getting better.

    Thinking of you X

  • I have told my mum how much I am struggling, I cried when I was on the phone to her the other day. I think that's why they're coming up Saturday so she can check im still here and doing ok. I just feel so down and I can't drag myself out of it this time, Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    You will get better. It is not hopeless. You are not alone, we are here for you and care about you, and I know your family do too. We are all proof that you will recover and get better. We have all recovered from PP.

    I know the thoughts can be really strong but its important to try and fight them.

    Talk to someone and tell them how you feel. I know you're seeing your therapist tomorrow, or talk to your mum on Saturday.

    Remember, you can ring Samaritans anytime, or email them:

    116 123

    jo@samaritans.org

    Thinking of you X

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sure your mum is worried about you and how low you are feeling. A few days ago in this thread you said that your children need stability and you would be the one to give that to them. I know that depression is awful but it can be managed. The thoughts you have are not your own but the illness. Your children need you to be strong so you have to fight your thoughts and get help for yourself. With the right care plan you will have the support you need. Please try to be open with the therapist tomorrow so that she can help you.

    Try to rest tonight. I'm going offline now but please email the Samaritans if you need help during the night. Stay safe and take care.

  • Hi Kats88,

    I know it is hard to believe at the moment but you will get better from this. I suffered from a really nasty depression after PP and I too felt that I was just existing and couldn't see myself ever getting better. This is the illness, it is not you, it is the hardest thing to go through but I know you will get better.

    I hope your therapy session goes well tomorrow, I found therapy really helpful and told my therapist exactly how I felt. She really helped me work through my thoughts.

    Sending you a big hug. We are all thinking of you and here for you. You are not alone in this. Xxxxx

  • Hello Kats88,

    hope you have found some sleep.

    hope your therapy session will go well.

    I am thinking of you.

    You are not alone, we are listening to you on this forum.

    Big virtual hug. xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you managed to rest last night and that your therapist will be able to help today.

    Stay safe and take care.

  • I got some sleep thanks to taking zopiclone to force me to sleep. I'm not seeing my therapist today because my husband is refusing to take me and Ella and I'm not allowed on my own with Ella so i can't get a bus or taxi. So another day alone just struggling through. Xx

  • Hi Kats88, I'm sorry you are still feeling so low. We are all worried about you and I hope that you can consider making contact with a trusted professional.

    I’m also including here some helpful information and resources for anyone affected by the content of this thread:

    nspa.org.uk/wp-content/uplo...

    I also wanted to reassure the community that we are in private message contact with you and are supporting you as much as we can, with the help of APP's clinical advisors.

    Please try and stay safe, you can get through this, you are not alone, xx

  • I don't want to stay safe. I've told my therapist about my plans and she was very kind. I went without Ella so I could drive. I didn't bother having my injection this week so I'm relapsing I think but I don't care. I'm meant to be seeing my care coordinator tomorrow but I'm not going to answer the door. Everyone can leave me alone now because I've come to the end of my recovery and it's not happening for me. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry it's been a difficult time for you. I'm glad the therapist was very kind today. Did she help with your care plan? It might be a good idea to think about seeing your care co-ordinator tomorrow as she too only wants to help. Please stay safe .... your mum will be with you on Saturday so that's something to look forward to. Xx

  • No she doesn't deal with care plans she just deals with my thoughts. She's called my care coordinator and they're going to come round tomorrow or ring the police so I'm going to have to answer the door. I know I'm going to be sectioned and put on 121. I can't bear this xx

  • Hello Kats88,

    I am so pleased you could talk to your therapist.

    It is good to communicate and to focus on your mum's arrival this Saturday.

    Thinking of you, - women on this forum are listening to you.

    Keep safe, please.

    x

  • I am going to be stuck in hospital when my mum comes, I just know I am. Unless I take drastic action to avoid going which is a real possibility. My therapist has just called my husband and told him to keep an eye on me tonight to try and stop me doing anything but he doesn't care about me so won't keep an eye on me. No one cares about me, I am all alone in this world with people trying to keep me alive when I don't want to be. I don't want to be sectioned at all, but I know it's going to happen tomorrow xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    I'm glad you've managed to talk to your therapist, its a huge step, well done. I too remember thinking that nobody cared about me. Dealing with suicidal urges and psychosis is exhausting so try to get some sleep. Try to take each day at a time; when you are low it's so hard, but talking can help. Please get in touch with the Samaritans if you need to - call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

    Take care, we are all thinking of you, xx

  • I've emailed them as I don't feel very safe right now xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you have recognized that you don't feel safe and have contacted the Samaritans. I hope they will reply and be able to give you support throughout the night if needed. Is it possible you can contact your friend for support too or your mum and dad, although it's late now?

    I'm going offline shortly so please take care. You can also go to A & E at your local hospital if you are feeling vulnerable. xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you were able to rest last night. We are all thinking about you today.

    Please take care and stay safe. xx

  • Thinking of you Kats22

    It's so good that you talked to your therapist, and emailed the Samaritans. Opening up and asking for help is the first small step to getting better. You can get better, just taking one step at a time.

    Take care, we're here for you

    Ellie X

  • Dear Kats22,

    I haven't been on the forum for a long while but I wanted to wish you well and hope that you got the help you needed last night. You can and will get through this - minute by minute, hour by hour.

    Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best,

    Kat xx

  • Thank you, my care coordinator has just called and shes coming at 11am with the police if I don't answer the door. I don't want to answer, I don't need anyone's help, I just want to be gone xx

  • Hi Kats88

    Thinking of you, hold on, it's so good you are writing to us on here and are reaching out for support. It is the illness that is giving you these thoughts, with one small step at a time you will get better

    X X

  • Hi Kats88

    I just wanted to say we're thinking of you.

    I'm not sure if you have anyone with you at the moment?

    Remember you can always dial 999 if you are feeling really unsafe.

    Take care, we're here whenever you want to write X

  • My care coordinator has just gone, she's recommending a mental health act assessment. I knew I was going to get sectioned again, this will be the 5th time. All I can hope for is telling them I'm fine and hopefully getting through the assessment. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    Do they know when they may do the assessment?

    Do try and be honest with them, and tell them how you feel. With support you can recover and get better.

    How are you at the moment, are you on your own or is your husband or someone else still with you? I hope you can rest, until you get help.

    X

  • THeyre doing the assessment today but I'm going to run away, I'm not having it. I'm not being sectioned again xx

  • Hi Kats88

    We are all here for you. Just to let you know I have private messaged you.

    Ellie

  • Hello Kats88

    It must be a very stressful day for you. Although you've been very strong to resist your thoughts, you deserve to be well again and can't really do it without support. I hope you have company while you wait to hear about the assessment.

    Thinking of you .... take care. xx

  • I've just read your latest post and would ask you to stay calm and think about your safety. It's so hard for you and I can understand your fight or flight response but please stay at home.

    Perhaps they will assess you for treatment at home and not section you? After my second PP I think I've said I was mainly treated at home and although it seemed there was a revolving door with all the professionals visiting, I did fully recover.

    You've been so strong .... can you ask your mum to come today to be with you?

  • My mum is working so she can't come up. I'm all on my own and I've told my care coordinator that I'm not going into hospital under any circumstances. I'm just going to have to run away so they can't find me. Xx

  • If you have told your care co-ordinator that you are not going into hospital perhaps she is trying to arrange alternative support for you, like the support I had? Please don't leave the house. xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    We are all here and thinking of you. We will be with you every step of the way through this.

    Stay safe xxx

  • Thank you. I've come back to bed as its exhausting talking to people and having the voices telling me to kill myself. Xx

  • The amhp has just called... im hoping and praying that she won't go ahead with the assessment as I've told her I'm fine xx

  • Hi kats88

    You are doing so well to keep fighting the voice. It's good you went to bed, I hope you can rest. Please try to be open about how you feel, and then the professionals can help you.

    Take care we are all here for you.

  • They're doing the assessment 😔 In ten minutes. Xx

  • Thinking of you kats88. You are being so brave xx

  • They're outside discussing whether I'm being sectioned or not. Regardless they've told me I can't stay at home xx

  • Hi kats88

    I know you don't feel it now but it is good that you will get help... you can get through this. You can get better. thinking of you so much, well done for staying and facing the assessment. Do write whenever you want to.

    Xx

  • I'm being sectioned 😪 I don't want to go into hospital xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    You've done so well today. I know going into hospital again isn't what you want but it's good you'll be looked after. We're here for you and care about you. You can get through this.

    Sending you hugs xx

  • My ex husband is going to block the section xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you're ok and settling in. Perhaps your mum will pop in to see you tomorrow? It's not where you want to be but at least you'll be safe now until you feel stronger.

    Take care. xx

  • I've not been sectioned, my ex husband blocked it xx

  • Hi kats88

    I too was going to say that though I know it's hard and you don't want to go to hospital but that being there will help keep you safe and give you that intensive support. Remember that it's temporary just till you begin to recover.

    But you say your ex husband has blocked it. Do you know why?

    Take care

  • Because I asked him to. They wanted to put me on a section 3, but I didn't want to go in. He objected and I've been sent to my dad's house to stay until Tuesday when they have a professionals meeting about me. They might try to displace my ex as nearest relative so they can still section me but hopefully they won't. I didn't want to come to my dads but I had no choice, they wouldn't let me stay at home on my own xx

  • Hi kats88

    How are you feeling? Are you with anyone?

    I know you don't want to go to hospital but it would be a safe place, as others have said, and you can get intensive support there to help you take the first steps towards getting better.

    Take care x

  • I wrote my last message before I read your update.

    It is good you're not alone.

    Take care, we are all thinking of you x

  • I don't want to be here either, I want to go home but I'm stuck here or I'll have to go to hospital. My care coordinator was fuming that my ex blocked the section she was begging them to take me in. They tried to get me to go voluntarily but I refused. I'm so glad I'm not in hospital but equally angry that I have to be here and not at home where I belong. Xx

  • Hi kats88

    It must be really hard to have to stay somewhere you don't want to be.

    But it does sound like your care coordinator cares about you and is wanting you to be safe.

    You can get through this. Keep talking openly to people when you can.

    Take care x

  • Hello Kats88

    Good to hear from you. At least you're safe and have company where you are. I hope your mum will be able to visit today.

    Take care xx

  • My mum isn't coming today, her and my dad don't get on so she's not coming anymore. Which is a shame but never mind. I am just counting down the days until I can go home again xx

  • Hello Kats88

    That's a shame you won't see your mum today. Is the care co-ordinator coming back to review you again next week?

    Take care. xx

  • Yes I'm seeing her on Monday and again Tuesday when I find out if they've displaced my ex husband as nearest relative. If they do I'll be sectioned on Tuesday. xx

  • Hello Kats88

    You are doing really well coping with all the stress you must be under until you find out. It's hard but they want what's best for you. Take care. xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you have been ok today. Take care.

  • I am ok, my dad is feeding me up I've had lunch and dinner today, my tummy isn't used to it. I'm feeling a bit stronger, I'm going home tomorrow so I'll be on my own again but that's not so bad I need some time alone after being watched all weekend. My ex husband has been with his new woman all weekend which has been difficult for me to cope with, and seeing my dad and stepmum so happy makes me realise what I'm missing. I still feel hopeless and exhausted from fighting but at least I'm feeling a little stronger. I'm terrified about being sectioned on Tuesday I just hope it doesn't come to that xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm glad you're feeling stronger and hope your care co-ordinator will be able to support you tomorrow when you go home.

    Take care and stay safe. You're doing really well at such a difficult time. xx

  • They are displacing my ex husband as my nearest relative so they can go ahead and section me xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for your update. I'm sorry, I know you didn't want to go into hospital but it really will help you to get better if you are in their care.

    Thinking of you ....... xx

  • I managed to convince them not to section me but I was marched down to the clinic and forced to have my injection that I had missed, I didn't want it done and I cried but they made me have it or I was being sectioned. They also took 200 tablets from me and I have to go to the clinic every morning to be given my meds as they took them all off me too. The crisis team came to assess me and they told me I was relapsing and that I should go into hospital but I refused so they passed me back to my care coordinator and said they couldn't help me. And the social worker who came out said if they get called one more time I'll be going in under section 3, now there is no relative to object.

    I'm frightened, there are spiders in my house and it's only a matter of time before they end up crawling on me and I'm terrified of spiders. I'm on my own and there's no one to save me from them xx

  • Hi Kats88

    It's good to hear from you. It must be hard having to go to the clinic every day, and give them your meds, and take your injection, but it does sound like they just really want to keep you safe, and help you to get better.

    The thoughts of the spiders sound horrible, and you sound like you don't want to be on your own. Are you able to stay with your dad again, until you feel stable? I'm not sure if this is possible, and what your dad's circumstance is like? It sounds like he really looked after you, and made sure you ate etc. It's so important to try and do things that will make you feel as good as possible - like eating, having a shower / bath regularly, doing a bit of exercise / going for a walk etc - whatever you can manage, and even if you have to force yourself to do it. I know doing those things all helped to slowly make me feel better.

    I know all this is hard Kats88 but you will get better, with the right medication and support. You are being so brave, facing it all.

    Thinking of you X

  • It's going to be horrible, they've also stopped me from driving so i can't even drive to the clinic I have to walk and it's quite far from my house. I have to see them every single day to get my meds and I don't want to do it. I might just stop taking them for a while and then I won't have to go.

    The spiders are awful, every time I see them out of the corner of my eye and when I look they run away. The crisis team told me they're all in my head and not real because I told them I was going to call pest control to come and get rid of them and they said it was my illness and a sign of a major relapse but I don't agree, I can physically see the spiders so i know they are real. They're so frightening, I don't want to be alone but I don't have much choice. My dad said I could stay with him but then I wouldn't get to see the kids in the evenings so I don't really want to go and stay with him.

    Social services are already trying to stop me seeing the children because I'm a risk to them, they're trying to stop me taking them to my mums this weekend which I've told them is happening regardless. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I know you don't want to stay with your dad but you wouldn't be so alone and would have his support. If the medication is keeping you stable, although you're seeing spiders, I think you should take it. Can someone from the clinic visit you at home every day so that you can have your meds or can your local pharmacy deliver them?

    Try to rest tonight and stay safe. The Samaritans are available throughout the night if you need support, samaritans.org./how-we-can-..., telephone 116 123. xx

  • I can't sleep as I've got bugs crawling on my face and I can't get rid of them. They're all over me and in my ears. They are trying to attack me so they won't leave me alone.

    Sadly my care coordinator only works part time so I have to see the duty worker at the clinic to get my meds so I have to go to them rather than them coming to me.

    I don't want the injection, I don't need it, my bum really hurts from where they did it today, the nurse wasn't very gentle. It feels bruised. I haven't relapsed for 7 months now so I don't need the injection anymore I just wish they'd believe me. Xx

  • HI Kats88

    I'm sorry to hear you were struggling so much with the thoughts of the bugs last night. How are you this morning? Have you got to the clinic yet? The walk to the clinic could be good, to get you outside and some exercise. I know going out every day really helped to lift my mood a little.

    I know it feels like you don't need your injection or your medication, but it is so important that you take it to stay well. It could help to get rid of the thoughts about the bugs. I know you have said that you have relapsed three times, so for the moment it could be that you really need the medication to help you get better. That is OK. Some people need medication longer than others.

    As Lilybeth says, would you consider staying with your dad, just for a bit? It sounds like you just need that love and support at the moment.

    Take care X

  • They're not thoughts there really are bugs crawling all over my face and in my ears and hair. I can feel them but they're too small to see, I think they might be bed bugs. I haven't been to sleep for 2 nights now and I'm exhausted but I just can't sleep at all, my heart feels like it's racing and the bugs just won't leave me alone unless I have a shower then they go away for about 15 mins. I haven't gone to the clinic and I don't intend on going, I'm too tired to walk all that way for something I don't even need.

    I really don't need my medication or the injection, I'm so annoyed they made me have it yesterday as I wanted to prove I don't need it anymore, I hate being injected with meds it's horrible and it hurts.

    My care coordinator is ringing today and I don't know whether to tell her that the bedbugs are back again or not. I'm so close to being sectioned that each admission could land me back in hospital.

    I'm staying at home for now so I get to see my kids, and I'm going to stay with my mum this weekend so I'll have support there xx

  • Hello Kats88,

    how are you feeling this morning?

    When I was so poorly in 2010 I have had to be injected, too. I can not remember what it was like, but I know that my medicine has helped me to get rid off my hallucinations.

    Eventually I improved and the Psychiatrist helped me to gradually reduce the medication. Like I mentioned before GP, care coordinator, health visitor, crisis team and family members were there to help me & all communicated with each other.

    From my own experience I know it is difficult to trust, but hey I got rid of all those bugs and haunting stuff. I hope you manage to go to the clinic today. As Ellie mentioned walking is good and helps to keep your mind focused.

    Wishing you strengths.

    Take care x

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry the bugs are very real to you. I wonder if you feel it would be good to be guided by your care team about injections and medication. I was very suspicious of professionals and relapsed due to not taking medication, so I think it's very important.

    Can you ask the clinic if they can numb the site of the injection before administering it if it causes you discomfort? Did your care co-ordinator ring? Please be open about how you are feeling as she is on your side as we all are here.

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • I haven't been, I was supposed to go this morning but I haven't gone. I'm too tired to get up, I can't believe I haven't been to sleep in 2 days. I'm just lying in bed trying to itch the bugs off me as they're crawling on my face and head.

    My care coordinator hasn't called so she must be happy with the fact I'm not taking my meds, unless she's secretly plotting another mha assessment which she probably is as they're all in it together. They all just want me in hospital so they can inject me with sedatives and shut me up.

    I want to stop my medication because I don't need it anymore but no one believes me they're all saying I must have it, no one will listen to me. Xx

  • My care coordinator called and told me to ring my GP urgently and go to see them to get antipsychotic medication prescribed but I haven't called them. I'm too afraid they're going to section me.

    Social services also called and are going to court to prevent me from taking the kids to my mums this weekend so I'm feeling really down and rubbish. Xx

  • I wonder if you could ring your GP .... they are all trying to look after you ....or go to the Surgery if you can. It must be so hard for you but with the right care you really will be well again.

    Take care. xx

  • It's too late now, there won't be any appointments left. I'm not psychotic so I don't need to go, I'll be fine. I don't need more meds and even if they give them to me I wont take them because I don't need them. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Perhaps you could just ring the Surgery even though they won't have any appointments now? I think you could even just turn up there if they have asked you to ring. It must be very worrying and I can understand why you are afraid of being sectioned. I wonder if you could let them help you as it's so much to cope with on your own. I'm sure your parents are worried for you too.

    Take care and stay safe.

  • They're sectioning me tomorrow 😪 It's all been arranged and they've found me a bed. xx

  • Hi Kats88 - I know this isn't what you wanted but honestly? It sounds like the safest place for you right now. It's great they've arranged a bed for you and I'm sure you will get better soon and home with your children. Best of luck,

    Kat x

  • Hello Kats88

    I think you have done really well coping with all your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps going into hospital will give you a chance to rest and find your strength again? Going without sleep as you have been isn't good for you. Please don't run away, try to accept they are trying to help and keep yourself safe until tomorrow.

    Thinking of you ...... xx

  • I'm going to run to my dads house so they can't do the assessment. I just can't go to hospital I just can't xx

  • Dear Kats88,

    please, try and stay safe. You need to find some rest and your strengths back. Those last days must have been so exhausting.

    We all want you to get better.

    Thinking of you...x

  • But I'm not ill so I don't need to go to hospital. I've got no one to block the section now so I can't get out of it. My only option is to run away from them and hope they don't find me. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Can you ring your mum for advice? Please stay at home. xx

  • Hi Kats88

    Thinking of you, it sounds like you've had a hard day. It sounds like your Care Coordinator cares about you, and wants to make sure you are safe, and that you get better.

    Take care

    Ellie

  • They're not listening to me they're saying I'm psychotic again and I'm not. I'm so frightened, I feel trapped and my only option is to run xx

  • Hi Kats88

    We are all thinking of you, do try and stay safe. I didn't know I was becoming unwell at times, I usually relied on what others were saying (my family, professionals) as all my psychotic thoughts seemed real to me.

    You will get through this and come back home and be with your kids again. You will only be in hospital temporarily until you get better, and you are going to get better.

    Take care and thinking of you a lot

    Ellie X

  • I don't need to get better because I'm not ill, im just depressed. They all say I'm relapsing but I'm not I'm ok. I've arranged to go to my dads tomorrow to avoid the assessment. I just can't go to hospital I want to go to my mums this weekend and I want to be safe with her, I don't want to be locked up and sedated against my will. Xx

  • I can't sleep again. This is the 3rd night of no sleep and I don't know how I'm still awake. I'm so scared about today, I really don't want to go in. I am not suicidal anymore and I can keep myself safe so there's no need to go. I'm definitely running to my dads house to get away from them xx

  • Hi Kats88, thinking of you today. I know that when I was unwell I didn't sleep at all, and was unable to, so it was a definite indicator something was up. Of course at the time I didn't realise it though. I know how scary today must seem but please know that your care team and those around you just want to help you. Try and hold onto that, and know that you can get through this, like so many of us here have done too.

    Take care, xx

  • I haven't been able to sleep for 3 days now and I feel awful, I'm so tired. I'm waiting for the mental health act team to call me to arrange my section but my mum has agreed to try and block the section if I can make her next of kin so I'm going to try and do that. I just can't face hospital when I don't need to go xx

  • I've run away from the mental health act team. I'm on the other side of the country hours from my home. I'm not coming back until they leave me alone xx

  • Hello Kats88,

    sometimes it is so difficult! When I was so poorly I felt lost and did not trust. It is difficult to realise how ill you are, when you have this illness.

    You are not on your own...I remember that all the people who were looking out for me tried to help and support me. Perhaps you could give your dad a call.

    Kats88, -please try and stay safe wherever you are, perhaps you could ring somebody, someone you can talk to..

  • I have text my dad to let him know I'm safe, me and the kids are settled for the night. They can't reach me here and they can't section me. I'm completely safe away from them all, they're all trying to put me in hospital but I don't need to go, I'm away from it now and they can't get me. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    That's really great that you have contacted your dad to let him know that you safe. Can you let your mum or dad know where you are, so they can come and support you?

    It's really important that you contact your professional team (your care coordinator or anyone else you feel you can contact) so that you can get the support that you need, then we can be here for you as you recover.

    Do take care, and stay safe, we are all thinking of you

    Ellie X

  • I am with my mum now, she came to collect us and I'm now at her house. The mental health team called and said they're going to section me as soon as I go home so I'm not going home. I'll keep running until they promise to leave me alone xx

  • Hi kats88 that's so great you phoned your mum and have gone to her house as she can support you. It's so good you got support.

    Do try to contact your mental health team and let them support you, I am sure they want to support you to get better and make sure you're safe. For me a period in hospital and my care coordinator, psychiatrist and psychologist were crucial to me recovering.

    Thinking of you a lot x

  • I'm ok though I'm not ill so don't need to go to hospital. They're trying to say I'm going through a psychotic episode but I'm not, I'm just a bit depressed. I'm not even suicidal anymore, although I do feel like I can't do this. Living life on my own without my husband or children is going to be hell. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you're safe with your mum. I hope you will be able to talk to the care team to have the support you need.

    We are all thinking of you. Take care.

  • They sent the police after me, they turned up at my mums house yesterday. Luckily I persuaded them we were all fine so they left. I thought they were going to detain me but they didn't. The mental health team are waiting to section me the second I get back into county, they're saying im a danger to myself and my kids because I'm psychotic again when I'm not.,why won't they believe me? Xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm sorry you had a difficult morning today with the police.

    It is good you are at your mums , are you still there? I know my parents were a lifeline when I was ill.

    I hope you're able to get the support you need.

    Thinking of you

    Ellie

  • Yeah I'm still at my mums house. They keep asking me if I'm ok though and that's really annoying me, I'm fine I'm not ill! Just exhausted because I'm still not sleeping. I'm scared about going back home xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you managed to rest last night and that you will be able to have support when you go home.

    Take care. xx

  • Hi kats88

    How are you doing? Sorry to read you aren't sleeping. For me lack of sleep was a big trigger for my psychosis so I really hope you have been able to rest?

    I hope you can speak to the professionals supporting you too, I know how important their support was for my recovery.

    Take care

  • I'm doing ok, I'm meant to be going home today but I don't know whether to go or not because I'm frightened that I'm going to get sectioned as soon as I go home. I managed to get some sleep last night with the help of zopiclone so I feel a little more with it now. I'm just so tired everything is a struggle, I can't even look after my kids anymore as I've got no energy and I'm lacking any motivation to play with them. The injection wipes me out and I'm so tired I feel unable to do everyday things like taking my kids out. I just want to be on my own to lie in bed xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Good to hear you're doing ok although everything is a struggle. I hope you can talk to your care team to figure out what's best for you.

    We are all thinking of you ..... take care. xx

  • I'm on my way home, I know they're going to try and section me tomorrow so I'm going to go to my dads house and hide there for the day. The longer time goes on and I cope at home the less likely it will be that I'll be sectioned. Well that's what I'm hoping anyway. I'm not hanging around waiting to be sectioned when I'm not even ill. How can I be psychotic again when I'm not seeing anything? I don't understand why they're saying I am psychotic when I'm so obviously not, I'm fine. Xx

  • It's hard when other people think your worse than you are or feel. At least your not obsessive like me and think your crazy because someone else thinks that. I had an issue with this a couple days ago where a girl reported me and said I was having command hallucinations which was a lie. It's good that people care for you and looking out for you but if they do an evaluation and decide your not suicidal or seeing and hearing things that aren't there they might not section you.

  • That's awful that they reported you, to who? Yeah it's so frustrating when they think I'm mental again when I'm not. No one cares about me though, I'm all alone with people just saying I need to be in hospital and no one listening to me. Even my mum suggested going into hospital to get better quicker but I'm NOT ill so hospital isn't the right place for me. I'm so suicidal but I'm trying to put a brave face on and keep going for my babies, but it's so hard, my depression is literally killing me. But I'm coping at home so I know hospital isn't for me. I've had a huge row with my ex who said my illness is the reason he's leaving and that's broken my heart xx

  • Hello Kats88

    It's so very hard for you but please hold on as people do care and want to help. xx

  • As Lilybeth says, you are going through such a hard time right now, but you will get better and get through this. Please stay safe and dial 999 or get yourself to A&E if you need to.

    Kat x

  • Are you on your own at home? Please try to contact your dad or mum to help you or as KatG said, dial 999 or ring the Samaritans. Stay safe please .... you have been amazing coping with so much. xx

  • I'm sure you have had a very stressful day. You can get help and support to control your illness. Although we are all anonymous we really do care. Please ring 999 for help or the Samaritans on 116 123 just to talk.

  • Hi Kats88,

    You're not a burden on any of us, we care about you and want you to be safe and get better.

    Please keep safe. Please call someone. It might seem impossible but you can get through this xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    You are a wonderful mum, it is evident from your posts that you love them so much. At the moment you are getting through an incredibly hard illness.

    Stay safe, we are with you through this and you are not alone. Please call someone if you need, the Samaritans, your Mum, your dad. Sending hugs xxx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you are safe. We are all thinking of you.

    Take care. xx

  • As lilybeth says we are all thinking of you a lot, I hope you are safe too xxx

  • Hello Kats88

    How are you today? From the bottom of my heart I hope you are safe. We are all thinking of you on this forum.

    Stay safe, x

  • I'm safe, very sick, very groggy but alive xx

  • Hi kats88,

    Thank you for posting, I'm so glad you're safe. Is someone with you?

    xx

  • Hi kats88

    That's so good to hear from you.

    I also wondered if someone is with you? If not can you ring someone? Are you able to stay with someone like your mum or dad for a while so you're not alone?

    I also wondered if you've been to the GP so they can check you're ok?

    Thinking of you x

  • I'm on my own, 😔

    I haven't been to a gp because they'd put me straight in hospital. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm so relieved that you replied :) Did you ring your mum or anyone for support today?

    We are all here for you ..... stay safe. xx

  • No I'm not speaking to my parents. I just want to be dead. X

  • Hello Kats88

    We have all been very privileged that you have shared so much with us so can understand how hard it must be for you. I think if you have professional support you will slowly begin to feel better and will be able to have good care for yourself. xx

  • I don't want professional help though as it means going back to hospital and I don't want that. I just want my old life back and it's breaking me that I'm having to live like this. I don't know where I've gone wrong but I can't do this. Everything that was good in my life has gone and now I'm just all alone with nothing xx

  • Hello Kats88

    You haven't gone wrong but like all of us have been hit by such a traumatic illness. Perhaps if you are able to talk openly to your GP about your fear of going into hospital he might be able to arrange for you to have treatment at home as I did? I imagine it's very hard to lift yourself out of how low you feel but you have the precious gift of your children and so everything to get better for. xx

  • I can't look after my children, being a mum doesn't come naturally and I'm a useless crap mum who can't even do the basics with my kids. They'd be better off without me. I can't talk to anyone openly especially not healthcare professionals because it goes straight back to social services. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I think when you get back on track and start your parenting sessions you will have a different view of yourself. Being a mum isn't easy so don't be so hard on yourself. Can you contact your therapist tomorrow as she seemed to be very understanding? Or your care co-ordinator might be able to help you? xx

  • I tried to ring my care coordinator today to find out what is happening but she didn't ring me back. I'm meant to be seeing her tomorrow so we'll see what she says but I'm going to tell her I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about so that's what she tells social services. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you will be able to see your care co-ordinator tomorrow to find out what's happening. Try to have a good rest tonight and stay safe. If you need support during the night please ring the Samaritans, 116 123.

    Take care ..... we are all here to help you. I'll be going offline shortly for tonight. xx

  • Good morning Kats88,

    I hope your appointment with the care coordinator will go well today.

    Thinking of you. We all do on this forum.

    x

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you were able to sleep and your care co-ordinator will support you today.

    Take care. xx

  • I didn't sleep, I'm absolutely shattered. I just can't sleep no matter what I do. It's like my body is broken. Social services are going to court to remove the kids from my care xx

  • Hey Kats88 thanks for checking back in. We are all rooting for you. Not being able to sleep is horrible, but sadly quite common when you are fighting a mental illness. Social services will want to work with you to get you better and keep your kids happy and healthy too. Good luck with the next steps in your recovery,

    KatG xx

  • I'm so sorry to hear the news about social services, it is usually temporary until you are well enough to look after them so try not to give up hope.

    We can be here for you as you recover, but what you need right now is professional support and care to get better. When you see your care coordinator do try to be open with everything you're feeling and going through so she can support you, I know my care coordinator was so important for me in my recovery, it was such a relief to be able to talk everything through with her, I struggled badly with depression too.

    Remember you can contact Samaritans 116 123, or dial 999 if you feel really unsafe.

    Take care

  • I just feel like I've lost my husband and now my children and it's not fair, I've got nothing left to live for. They're increasing my depot injection dose which I don't want as I don't want to have it at all, and I've told her that I can't be honest with her because everything goes back to social services. I can't believe I've lost my kids as well as my husband, I've lost my entire life in 10 weeks xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Really sorry you're struggling again. Is it possible you can contact the Council so that someone from the advocacy service can speak to Social Services on your behalf? Is there a chance that your parents can act as guardians so you will still see your children in the home environment? Such a lot for you to cope with but if you can have care for yourself you might feel stronger. xx

  • They've called off the mha assessment because I'm "not engaging" with them. I've told my care coordinator that I'm fine but she didn't believe me because she could see me watching the spiders and trying to brush the bugs off me. She says it's psychotic symptoms but I don't believe her. I don't want my dose of depixol increased again because I worked so hard to have it reduced. I feel like im going backwards.

    The kids might be placed with my dad but due to me going back to work next week I will only get to see them on a Sunday. I feel so low and so fragile, I just want to give up and stop all this pain. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I know it may seem you're going backwards, but it isn't surprising you are struggling as you are dealing with so much stress. You can overcome this and get better.

    It's really good that you told the Care Coordinator you find it hard to be honest because of social services involvement, its good you were open about that.

    You do really need professional mental health support at the moment. I know it is hard, but do try to be really honest with them about how low and fragile you're feeling, and follow their advice. They are really experienced with supporting people who are struggling as you are, they will know what may help you. If you are open with them and take their advice, they will be able to help you slowly recover one step at a time.

    Stay safe Kats88,

    Take care

    Ellie

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for your update. Your care co-ordinator sounds very understanding. I'm glad your children might be placed with your dad, at least you will have peace of mind knowing they are safe. If you are well enough to return to work next week perhaps you can ask about the advocacy service as a source of support?

    Have you asked about an ongoing care plan to help you? You are coping with so much and you really do need good care for yourself. Please stay safe and ring the Samaritans during the night, 116 123, or 999 for help. xx

  • I don't feel like I can recover and get over this, I feel trapped and isolated and alone. I don't know how anyone is expecting me to cope without my husband or my children. I just feel terrible.

    If I tell them just how low I really am and how distressed the spiders are making me they will put me in hospital and like I told my care coordinator, I have been in and hated it, I don't want to go back there. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I know it's an uphill struggle for you at the moment but if you can accept medical help you really will fully recover, as many of us have here. Your children will possibly be with your dad so you will still be able to spend time with them.

    Perhaps your care co-ordinator might be able to arrange treatment at home for you. Your therapist should also be able to help you too.

    I'm going offline now but please stay safe and take care xx

  • Dear Kats88,

    my heart goes out to you. Thinking of you.

    I do hope that professional help and support will be put into place for you and you find a way of being able to be open about your feelings.

    Stay safe, x

  • The crisis team won't take me on so no treatment at home. They keep saying just refer me for a mha assessment & there's nothing they can do. Last time they came to assess me they said I wasn't in crisis and was well! That was only last week.

    So I think the choices are hospital or care coordinator once per week, and I choose care coordinator.

    I haven't slept again, my eyes sting with how tired I am but I just can't drop off. The sleep deprivation is making everything worse xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Sorry you haven't slept again. Do you think an appointment with your G.P might help, or is your therapist due to visit as you said earlier that she was kind?

    Take care. xx

  • I'm due to see my therapist tomorrow, but she can't help much. I'm seeing my gp on Friday so I'm going to beg for some more sleeping tablets because I can't bear being this exhausted. All I want to do is sleep but my mind just won't switch off. I'm so upset about social services taking my kids away that i can't think of anything else. I'm going to miss them so much. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you'll be seeing your therapist tomorrow, just talking about things worrying you might help. I hope your gp will have time for you on Friday, perhaps you could book a double appointment? It's very upsetting for you to be without your children, except on Sunday, but it will give you time to get stronger and build support around you. I imagine if they can stay with your dad you will be able to speak to them daily? I wondered if you do return to work whether Occupational Health might be able to find out about the advocacy service for you?

    Take care .... we are all here for you. xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I just wanted to say it's great to hear that you are seeing your therapist tomorrow, and your GP. I hope you can open up and share everything you are going through so they can support you. I hope that you are able to sleep tonight, I know it affects me so badly if I can't sleep.

    Thinking of you

    Ellie

  • I'm really struggling. The spiders and bugs are getting too much for me to cope with now and my kids hate me and my husband has left me my dad is being horrible and I just don't see the point. Everyone would be better off without me xx

  • Hello Kats88

    The spiders must be awful for you. Hopefully you will be able to talk to your therapist tomorrow for support. You are very special to your family so try not to worry, everything seems overwhelming when you're not well. Is it possible you can text your mum to let her know you are struggling?

    If you need support during the night please email jo@samaritans.org or ring 116123.

    Stay safe. xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm sorry things are bad again this evening and you've not been able to sleep.

    I'm sure it feels impossible to believe things can ever get better but please keep reaching out. Hopefully speaking to your therapist tomorrow will help.

    Please get support in the night if you need to, I hope you manage to rest.

    I'm thinking of you x

  • Good morning Kats88,

    I hope you have found some sleep.

    Thank you for always letting us know how you feel. The therapist and GP will listen to you as well. Wishing you the best of luck with your appointments.

    Thinking of you.

    x

  • I found some zopiclone so yes I slept. I don't feel better for it though. I'm still really struggling, all I want to do is stay in bed all day but I've got my manager coming over, then my depot, then therapy, i can't face any of it. I just want to run away and hide. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    It's good that you slept and will have company today. I'm sorry you're struggling but I hope the therapy session today might be helpful. Take care. xx

  • I saw the social worker today and chucked her out my house. She gave me the letter saying they have started care proceedings with court.

    Therapy was okish, we spoke about the situation and I explained I don't know how I'm going to cope without the kids and my husband. She called me wilful.

    I've got to call a solicitor at some point to try and get someone to represent me in court. My fear of the phone is preventing me from doing it at the moment. They're going to court next week so I've got to do it soon. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Sorry you've had a stressful day. Perhaps you can text your mum for support? I hope the appointment with your GP tomorrow goes well.

    Take care. xx

  • I've done something really stupid and now I'm definitely going to lose the kids. My husband admitted to having an affair with our childminder and I lost it whilst he was holding our daughter and I hit him as hard as I could and kicked him. I've never felt rage like it and i couldn't stop. Now he's threatening to take the kids and leave and go for full custody of them. I can't believe what I've done xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time.

    We can be here for you as you recover, but what you really need to access now is professional mental health support to help you get better. Can you ring your care coordinator for support?

    And remember if you're feeling really unsafe you can call the Samaritans or dial 999.

    We are all thinking of you

    Ellie x

  • I can't ring anyone, I have to pretend that I'm ok now I have a real battle for the kids on my hands. I have to prove to everyone that I'm fine even though the reality is im breaking inside. Every part of me hurts, my ex dragged me down the stairs last night and really hurt my arm too. I don't know if I can cope with this, I really don't. Knowing my husband is sleeping with the childminder has broken me, I feel physically sick. I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough to do this, my ex told me last night "you've been no parent so don't act like you care now, you don't deserve the kids". He's going to take them away from me 😪 Xx

  • That sounds really awful kats88. That's why it's so important that you get support from your care coordinator, do try to open up and be very honest.

    Remember if you are feeling really unwell and unsafe you can talk to samaritans or call 999.

    Thinking of you xx

  • The police are now involved as I've got a big bruise on my arm. They're interviewing my ex now xx

  • Hi kats88

    That sounds really difficult and stressful.

    Can you speak to your care team to get support?

    And do remember you can call or email the samaritans if you need to just talk to someone.

    Take care

    Ellie x

  • My care coordinator came over earlier to see me as social services asked her to, and we had a chat and she advised me to leave the house and get away from my ex and report him to the police but I chose not to as his work (he's a copper) already know what's happened and have interviewed him. So they don't need me reporting it and having him arrested.

    I've had my new dose of depot and the spiders are going, I don't see them all the time now just sometimes. I'm starting to realise that they weren't or aren't actually there and that's a bit of a mind fuck to be honest. I still feel the bugs on my face but I'm told these will go too. I hope so anyway.

    Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you had support from your care co-ordinator today. It must be a relief that your new dose of medication seems to be helping. I think if you continue to meet with your care team you will begin to feel better, slowly but surely.

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • I'm all alone now and the reality of the situation has hit me. I can't believe my husband is sleeping with the childminder and I can't believe he has done this to me. I don't know how I'm going to cope without him and without my kids. I hate being alone. My arm hurts with two big bruises and I don't know whether to report him or not. Xx

  • Hi kats88

    You are going through so much. Do try and lean on and open up to the professionals, as what you really need is professional support to get better and help to cope with everything you are dealing with.

    Take care , we are all thinking of you

    Ellie

  • My house is such a mess but I've got no energy or will to tidy it up, there are toys everywhere and it just looks terrible, the floor needs hoovering and cleaning and the bathroom is disgusting. How can I let myself live like this? Before my husband would help me tidy up but now it's just down to me. I want to go and stay with my mum but I can't as I've got the dog here with me. He's just had another fit and has barked all night so I've had no sleep yet again.

    I'm so tired of fighting this cruel illness, it's robbed me of my entire life and has left me existing rather than living. I hate it all and wish I could just get away from it all forever xx

  • Don't worry about the house. Honestly, get yourself better and then you'll be able to do it. Just focus on the essentials: somewhere to sleep (a clear bed), food (provisions of some sort in the house, somewhere to prepare and eat them), bathroom (cleanish toilet and sink), chair to sit in.

    Keep yourself safe and physically well. I know it's hard living in a mess, really I know, but piling on the pressure will not help. When you're feeling a bit better maybe ask a friend or relative to come help you. That's what I've done after numerous periods of mental illness.

  • My bathroom is such a mess and so is my bed, the sheets really need washing but I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll ask my dad to come and help but I just feel so overwhelmed by the state of it.

    I am struggling so bad, I had to say goodbye to my dog earlier as he went to live with my husband and I'm heartbroken, I miss him already. Xx

  • It really doesn't matter! who's going to see? those who do come in your house are close friends, family, mental health agencies - they care about you, and they already know you're struggling. Just clear the bed, put it in a pile on the floor or wherever. What you need now is to rest, wait for your meds to kick in fully, sleep, feed yourself. Nothing else matters. It can all wait.

    I know that overwhelmed feeling so well. End of may I had two good friends come spend the day tidying with me, it was that bad it took 3 of us to do living room, dining room, kitchen, and my sons room, we didn't even start on my bedroom or the bathroom! I've been doing the rest slowly myself and getting rid of tons of stuff too. But that's now I'm well, I couldn't touch it before without a massive freak out.

  • The social workers might come round and if they do they're never going to let me have the kids with the house in this state. I've had all day to do it but instead I've been lying in bed crying most of the day. I can't seem to do even the most basic tasks like folding the pram down or tidying the toys away. Everything is how my dad left it yesterday which is in a real state.

    I'm not eating at the moment, I have weight to lose and I don't have the energy to prepare or cook for myself so it's easier just to starve myself. I'll probably eat tomorrow at my dads house xx

  • Hi kats88

    You have so much you are coping with it is not surprising you aren't managing to clean.

    Do speak with your care team and your family about it all, do try to tell them everything you are struggling with so they can support you, you really need support from your care team right now.

    Take care

    Ellie

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you are ok and enjoying the company of your dad today.

    Take care.

  • I just can't cheer up, I keep bursting into tears. I miss my husband and my dog and even being with my dad isn't helping. I just want it all to go away. I want to do something stupid because I can't take this anymore xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry you're struggling today. Can you text your mum for support or please contact the Samaritans, email jo@samaritans.org or phone on 116 123. I hope you will be able to speak to your care co-ordinator tomorrow. Stay safe and take care. xx

  • I can't do this, I'm struggling too much. Everything is bad, i can't cope xx

  • I'm sorry you are feeling this way Kats88. Please try and talk to your care team locally, they are best placed to help you and get you the support you need. You can also contact the Samaritans any time, tel 116 123 or jo@samaritans.org . Take care, xx

  • I've told my mum I have given up. I can't do this. My life is a mistake I should have never been born. I will never be happy. Xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry things are still so difficult. As Hannah says it's really important you get support from your care team whose support you really need right now, they will be able to help you get better.

    And do remember samaritans if you ever really need to talk to someone.

    Take care

    Ellie x

  • HelloKats88

    I hope you are ok and that your care team is supporting you.

    Stay safe and take care.

  • Hello Kats88,

    how are you this morning? Do you have support from your care team?

    Thinking of you. Be safe & take care. x

  • I'm ok, I've taken sleeping pills and slept for 2 days. I'm now at the solicitors discussing my kids and social services xx

  • My ex has taken the kids and he won't tell me where they are living or anything and he won't let me see them until next Monday. I'm absolutely heartbroken I need my kids home with me where they belong. I just want my old life back if this is my life from now on then I don't want to live it xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm sorry to read your post and to hear of everything you're going through, it is a lot to cope with.

    Have you been in touch with your care team? You are coping with so much, you really need their support right now. Try to be open with them and they will be able to support you.

    Thinking of you

    Ellie x

  • Dear Kats88,

    how are you this morning? It is such a difficult time for you, -

    wishing you strengths and hope your care team will help you...

    My thoughts are with you.

    x

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you have been ok today and your care team have been able to support you.

    Take care. xx

  • I went to see the occupational health doctor from my work about my return to work and he decided I wasn't fit to work, so now I face not being able to pay my mortgage and losing my house as well as losing my children and my husband. As if things couldn't get any worse.

    I'm in such a state tonight, I've cried solidly for about 3 hours and I can't stop. As soon as I got home I came to bed and that's where I've been since.

    I saw my gp today too and he offered to refer me to the crisis team but I said no because I know they won't help me and will just order another mha assessment which frankly I can't face. I just want someone to look after me, and make this all better.

    I'm going to my mums house on Friday and that should help. I miss my kids so much it's killing me not being able to see them. Xx

  • I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation Kats88. Please try and accept support from your care team locally, they are best placed to help you and get you the support you need. You can also contact the Samaritans any time, tel 116 123 or jo@samaritans.org . Take care, xx

  • Hello Kats88

    So sorry to hear your update. Please lean on your care team for support to help you.

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • My care team are useless, I don't see the point in talking to them. I told my care coordinator I was giving up and she said "be strong" and that was it. X

  • Hi kats88

    You are having to cope with so much, you really need to use your professional support.

    From previous posts it sounds like you have a lot of people involved in your support: care coordinator, social worker, therapist. Perhaps you can try to open up to some or all of them and even be honest if you aren't finding their support helpful, as this is the kind of support you really need right now, I know so many different professionals really helped me to get better.

    And remember you can always phone or email samaritans if you just need to really talk to someone.

    Take care, we are thinking of you

    Ellie

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you are ok and will find support from your mum today to engage with the care team.

    Take care. xx

  • I am engaging with my care team but they are useless and my care coordinator rang me for 56 seconds earlier to ask if I was safe and when I said I was with my mum she said that's great and put the phone down.

    My therapist is the only one that gets it but she's not able to fix everything and I have to be wary about what I say in case she passes it on to my care coordinator and I get sectioned. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    That's great to hear you're at your mum's and getting support from her and that you don't have to cope on your own.

    That's good you find your therapist helpful, I hope you can try and be open with her, and talk about everything you are feeling and going through, and get all the support you need, she sounds really supportive. I know how important therapy was to my own recovery.

    Take care Kats88, we're thinking of you

    Ellie

  • Good morning Kats88,

    it helps to talk. Gradually I was able to develop a relationship with my care coordinator receiving help and support emotionally and mentally.

    Stay safe, - our thoughts are with you.

    x

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you are ok and will be able to confide in your therapist next week to help you access the support you need.

    Take care .... we are all thinking of you. xx

  • Well I've had the report through from social services and it's saying to avoid court I have to consent to my parents being told about the sexual abuse I suffered in childhood. I'm absolutely not consenting to this because it will ruin my family, so I'm going to tell them I made it all up and it's not true, so they drop it. That's a lie, it's all completely true but I don't want my family being torn apart. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm so sorry to hear you suffered in this way and can understand why you don't want to disclose this to your parents. I really hope you can connect with someone in your care team, perhaps the therapist, to help you.

    Stay safe and take care. Xx

  • My therapist won't be able to help because she tries to keep what's happening outside of our sessions separate to what goes on in our sessions. She knows about the abuse though as we've done a lot of work on it and coming to terms with it. I can't believe social services expect me to tell my mum, especially now as our relationship is only just improving to a good stage.

    I saw my babies for the first time in a week today and my boy asked to come home with me which broke my heart. I miss them so much it hurts. I only get to see them on a Sunday and Friday now so I'm having to get used to not seeing them which sucks. I don't know how I'm still going to be honest. I'm all alone in my big empty house and I want them all home. I can't believe a couple of months ago I had everything and now I've got nothing. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    You are coping with so much, and in such a difficult situation.

    I really hope you feel able to open up and be really honest with all the people involved in your support (care coordinator, social worker, therapist). You need so much support, advice and help to get you through this time, and get better.

    I also wanted to let you know that there are organisations that support people who have experienced abuse. They may be able to advise you:

    NAPAC: napac.org.uk/calling-our-su...

    HAVOCA: havoca.org

    The Survivor Trust: thesurvivorstrust.org

    Thinking of you, and remember that you can always call or email Samaritans, if you really need to talk with someone.

    Ellie

  • Thanks Ellie.

    I finally reported my husband for assault today, as he has apparently reported me for assault when I haven't done anything. I hope he gets arrested and charged because I had big bruises and he's got away with nothing.

    I'm so alone I hate it, I want to feel normal again and I want to be ok. I feel so far from ok right now. The psychosis has gone, the spiders are gone and the new dose of depot is working, but this depression is slowly eating away at me and I'm struggling to fight it. I am too depressed to even take my meds so I'm withdrawing from 375mg venlafaxine too. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry to hear how difficult things are for you. I think your medication has been keeping you stable recently and so perhaps you can really try to take the venlafaxine, even though you are struggling today? Hopefully you will be able to discuss your depression with the therapist.

    Take care .... stay safe. xx

  • I'm trying to remember to take them but I haven't even been getting out of bed to remember to take them. Today I only got up for 2 hours to see my kids and then they went home and I came straight back to bed. I've got no reason to stay up so I don't, I just take tablets and try to sleep. I am at rock bottom at the moment. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so low, it sounds really horrible. I would agree with Lilybeth that it's so important to take your medication, I know how essential medication was in getting better for myself. I hope that you can get support from your mental health team to help you through the depression, and that they can give you some tips on how to battle it and support you with everything you are coping with.

    We are all thinking of you

    Take care

    XX

  • I'll try to take it tomorrow, if I even get up. I'm not doing anything tomorrow so I will probably stay in bed all day and not get up. My house still looks like a dive and I don't have the will, energy or motivation to do anything about it. My babies were here for a bit today and they've trashed the place even more but I can't face tidying.

    I just want to wake up and feel normal again, this whole situation is killing me. I find if I dose myself up and sleep then I don't have to think about what's happened and it's easier to cope with. Whenever I'm awake I'm thinking about losing my husband and kids and money and dog and probably my house and it's tearing me apart. I just want my old life back. Xx

  • Dear Kats88,

    hoping so much that you will find some strengths in opening up, despite feeling so low.

    I remember how essential it was for me to learn essential skills in stepping stones again and to take my medication. I needed help in order to get better, I have had to have my medication regularly. I do believe that my medical team, especially my Psychiatrist and carer helped me tremendously in order to beat the Psychosis and subsequently to guide me in the recovery process.

    Thinking of you, - the forum does...

    x

  • Well I got up to see my care coordinator who said it's going to be 2 years until I'm better and until I get my kids back. I can't bear the thought of two more years of feeling like this, I just can't. I need my kids back and I need them home where they belong. If I can't have that then what's the point of living? Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I am so sorry to hear your story - I know at times it can all seem too much and overwhelming. My thoughts and prayers are with you, you are doing your best and you will get better and come out of this.

    I know its hard but try to access as much support as you can, be honest with professionals and take your meds as prescribed as this will help you in the long run. I found it difficult to accept help and this made my recovery longer. The better you take care of yourself the sooner you will have your lovely kids back.

    Please take strength from knowing that you are not alone and none of this is your fault.

    Take care xx

  • Hi kats88

    That must have been so hard to hear, you are in such a difficult and sad place and coping with so much.

    as butterfly says you can get through this and get better, and have your kids back with you. By taking my meds, and being open and using all the professional support offered to me, I was able to get better, and you will too.

    Thinking of you x

  • Thank you both but I don't feel like i can come through this. I'm just sitting in bed crying all day every day, I don't have any human interaction and I'm bored and lonely. This wasn't what my life was supposed to be like, I should have my husband and kids with me. I shouldn't be alone in bed crying. I just feel like this is it for me, I can't keep living like this, it's just existing. I haven't eaten for days and I'm losing so much weight but I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm such a mess I don't know how much longer I can carry on xx

  • You know, Kats88...life is worth while living for, - your children!

    When I got down hill I was sectioned and the first 6 months I was like a vegetable. However, I always remember I had given birth to a baby boy.

    Professionals made sure I took my medicine (I was injected)...I lost my dignity in hospital, but once out I gradually got better. I accepted the support of the medical team and followed the care plan.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Thinking of you, - stay safe (you can battle this, if you accept help and support...people want you to get better...)

  • I haven't even got up today, I've spent the whole day lying in bed crying. I feel terrible. I have my injection tomorrow but im not going to go, I can't face getting up and going out, it feels too much, I just want to stay in bed. I haven't got up for days, I'm falling apart. I'm not coping at all, my care coordinator can't help and it feels awful. I want to be normal again but I just miss my husband so much it hurts, I just want him to come home xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm really sorry to hear how upset you have been today. It must be so difficult for you. Perhaps if you have a good night's sleep you might feel like going for your injection tomorrow and receive support from your care team?

    Please stay safe and contact the Samaritans on 116 123 or jo@samaritans.org

    Take care. xx

  • Dear Kats88,

    I am just letting you know I am thinking of you, as is everyone else on here.

    You are going through such a terrible time, and have had to deal with so much, I am not surprised you are feeling so so low.

    I know it might be hard when people say stay strong and think about your kids, as sometimes you can't think about anything else other than how desperate and hopeless you feel about everything. However, you have battled with so much already, you will get through this.

    If you try to accept help and get your medication, you will get through this and you will feel normal again.

    Stay safe, thinking of you,

    Sally xx

  • I don't want my medication anymore, I don't need it, I'm not psychotic anymore and feel like I'll be fine without it. I've taken my venlafaxine today though so hopefully that will help me to stop feeling so suicidal, because right now I feel so utterly hopeless and lost, I'm struggling so much. I can't imagine ever feeling ok again. Xx

  • Hi Kats88, please try and get to your appointment today and accept professional support. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low but your local team really are best placed to support you and get you through this. We are also here to listen and be here for you as you recover as a peer support network. Thinking of you, take care, xx

  • Well I haven't managed to go, I tried to force myself out of bed but I just couldn't face it. I'm meant to have therapy today too but I can't face that either. I just want to stay in bed and cry, I have no energy for anything else. I just want my husband back and I want my old life back, I can't bear this new life it's horrendous. I wish I was dead xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry you missed your appointment as you are so upset. I hope your therapist will be able to visit you at home to support you through the awful time you're having. It might be good to talk to someone instead of isolating yourself. Take care. xx

  • I managed to make it to therapy, I told her I had given up on life. She said I am still alive so I haven't given up altogether. But I have, I'm only alive because I hope that things will improve and I will be able to be there for my children one day. I can't see it improving though, I'm in such a mess and I'm being forced to have my injection tomorrow otherwise they will section me and give me it in hospital. My social worker is coming to pick me up at 9am to drag me to the clinic to have it done. I don't want it done though, I'm going to beg my psychiatrist to take me off it. I hate being injected I'm not ill anymore I don't see why I can't take tablets, although I wouldn't take them.

    I'm already back in bed, I managed to buy some ant powder earlier so I can get rid of the ants in my house but that's all I've achieved today. I miss my children and husband so much but he has started divorce proceedings as his new girlfriend is pressing him to, so there's no hope of ever getting him back. I still adore him so it's heart breaking. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    That's a great achievement that you managed to go to therapy today as the more you engage with your care team you will find ways to cope. They really do want what's best for you although I understand how difficult it must be for you.

    I hope you have a good sleep tonight to be ready for the social worker calling tomorrow. Stay safe and take care. xx

  • My psychiatrist wouldn't take me off the injection, I begged him but he said no. So I've got to carry on having it even though I don't want it anymore. He won't even reduce the dose, it's so unfair. Xx

  • Hi kats88

    That sounds hard but I have to say for myself taking medication and following my psychiatrist advice with doses was really essential to eventually recovering.

    I hope you have some more meetings planned with your care team so they can support you. Do you plan also to stay with your family too for support?

    Thinking of you, Ellie

  • He also said my situation at home meant my depression was overpowering the antidepressants and so they weren't really helping and I was severely depressed. How am I meant to get better though when I've lost my husband and my kids? All I want is my family back but my husband has started divorce proceedings and I can't afford a solicitor so I don't know what to do. I need to swap all the bills into my name too but it all seems so overwhelming that I just want to hide away and pretend it's not happening. I just want my old life back xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Good to hear from you. The psychiatrist you saw sounds very understanding and helpful. I think if you continue to engage with your care team, you will find a lot of support from them. You are doing really well coping with so much. Perhaps Citizens' Advice Bureau might be able to help with your worries at home?

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • He wasn't understanding at all, he said the injection was the only thing keeping away my hallucinations and I couldn't come off it. Because there's an order that I will comply with all recommended medication I have no choice but to continue having it even though I don't want it anymore. He knows that so it's like I'm being forced to have it against my will.

    I'm seeing my children today, I can't wait, time with them is so precious now. My little boy misses me so much and it's hell without him. I just want them to come home xx

  • Hi kats88

    You are coping with so much, I hope it was good seeing your children today.

    The psychiatrist will be very experienced in treating psychosis and depression and will know what medication you need at the moment though I know it's hard. I know medication was vital for me to get better. Do keep trying to open up with your care team, with their support you can come through this, and this is what you need right now to get better.

    Thinking of you

    Ellie

  • I know medication is important but I've been on antipsychotics for 19 months now and I'm fed up with being on them, I think it's time to try and come off them or at least reduce my dose to the lowest level. Or even let me take tablets so I don't have to have the painful injection every 2 weeks. I hate being injected, it's horrible.

    He also wants me to try and change antidepressants or add another medication in as well to boost my venlafaxine as it's at the highest level it can go. I said no but he's said he's going to prescribe something else at the next appointment, and because of the social services order I will have no choice but to take it. He wouldn't prescribe zopiclone either despite me only getting a couple of hours sleep per night.

    It was lovely to see my kids, my son sat on my lap for ages just playing with a toy and it was lovely to just cuddle him and have some time together. We also played on the trampoline and just had some time just the 2 of us which was nice, I do love my daughter too but it's my son who is missing me and it was good to have him all to myself. I'm home again now and won't see them until Friday which absolutely sucks so I'm back to being depressed and have no intention of getting up tomorrow xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I think you have done really well to be guided by your psychiatrist as he really wants to find the right combination of medication to keep you stable. So glad you were able to have such a lovely time with your kids .... Friday will soon be here to see them again.

    Take care. xx

  • I don't like the psychiatrist, I think he's being really unfair to force the depot injection on me. He said I could refuse it if I want to the choice is mine but he knew about the social services order so he knew that I can't refuse it or my access to my children would be cut completely. Everything he suggests I have to go along with, even therapy that I don't want including dbt which I don't want to do. I don't think he cares about me being stable he just wants to pump me full of medication. Although he did say I could drive again so that's good because I had been driving anyway but I knew my insurance would have been invalid if I had crashed.

    I just don't understand why they're forcing me to have the injections when they know I'm so anti it. I think I should have some say in my care but at the moment I dont, I just have to accept whatever he says. It sucks.

    I'm going away with the kids and my family on Friday, we're going down to Bournemouth for the weekend and staying in a hotel so hopefully spending the weekend with my kids will be ok. Xx

  • Hi kats88

    It's great that you had a good time with your kids.

    I know it is hard but the psychiatrist will be wanting to give you the right medication to get you more stable, and to help you out of the depression, he just wants to help you to get better as quick as possible, as do all your care team, I'm sure. Do look to them for support, which is what you need at the moment.

    I hope you have a good weekend with your kids.

    Take care x

  • I spoke to my care coordinator today and she told me they want to increase the dose of injection as the psychiatrist wasn't happy that my symptoms were being adequately controlled. It's basically because my house IS infested with spiders but no one believes me. It's not be being psychotic, it's the truth. I'm not psychotic I'm fine, but they all think I'm hallucinating when I'm not. And because I said having to live in a house infested with spiders is distressing me their immediate reaction is to inject me with even more meds. I've said no, but once again I don't think i'll have a choice.

    It's the child protection conference again tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I think the childminder has been invited and I've said I'm not going if she is going, because I can't be in the same room as the woman who stole my husband. My parents will be there and I don't want them finding out about the abuse so it's a massive hassle trying to get social services to redact that stuff in time for tomorrow.

    I haven't even got up today, I feel so low. I haven't showered, or eaten, or done anything I should have done. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    You are doing so well coping with all the challenges even though you're finding it hard. Your care team are really trying to help you so just try to trust them. I hope the conference goes well and it's not too stressful for you. Try to look forward to your weekend away with your children and parents.

    Take care. xx

  • How can I trust them when they're increasing my meds when there's no need to? I'm not hallucinating, I'm fine but they won't believe me. No one believes me. My care coordinator just wants me on as many meds as possible. They're all working against me rather than trying to help me, if they wanted to help they'd take me off the injection and help me get pest control out to get rid of the spiders.

    I feel so low tonight xx

  • Hi Kats88, I'm sorry you are feeling so mistrustful of your health professionals. I know it might not feel like it but they really are trying to get you well and support you to be with your children. I know when I had PP and was recovering that medication was a big part of this and I had to trust that the meds were helping, which they did in the long run, and I got better. Take care, xx

  • I know meds used to be important when I had PP but I don't have it anymore so I want to be taken off the meds. I don't want them increased when I don't need them. I've decided not to have my depot anymore, I'm going to try without it and see what happens. Things can't get much worse for me right now so if I relapse then so be it. I'm only seeing my babies once per week and I miss them so much, this isn't how being a mother should be. I feel so let down by the whole system, other mum's who have depression don't have their kids taken away from them so why me. It's so unfair. My life sucks and I wish I could end it. Xx

  • I can't do this anymore. I've lost everything and I can't bear it any longer. I'm done, I've tried so hard to get better and I've tried not to be suicidal but the reality is that I am, and my kids are better off without me xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry you're struggling and feel let down. When I had PP I thought, like you, that I was fine and everyone else had a problem but as soon as I accepted treatment and care I began to recover. Friday's not far away now when you will be able to have a break with your children and family and they will all be looking forward so much to being with you.

    Stay safe and please email jo@samaritans.org or ring 116 123 if you need to talk during the night.

  • i just can't cope without my husband and kids. I need them home with me. And as that's not going to happen I just can't keep going. I've lost my whole life. I hate this stupid illness it's robbed me of everything. Xx

  • Hi Kats88, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this. PP and recovery is really tough at times, many of us here have been where you are now.

    We are thinking of you and wishing you well. As Lilybeth says, you can ring the Samaritans any time on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. Take care, xx

  • Well I didn't end it all like I planned to because my ex husband said he wants to talk to me. He said he will make things better. I don't know how he can but I'm willing to listen.

    I just have to somehow get through this weekend. I don't want to go but I have no choice, it's all booked and paid for. I can't think of anything worse than going, I just want to lie in bed feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to get up at all. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so low, you are coping with so much.

    I do hope though that you manage to enjoy the weekend, even though you are feeling so low, particularly the time with your children.

    Do seek support from your care team, and remember you can always phone the Samaritans if you really need to talk to someone.

    Thinking of you, take care

    Ellie

  • I saw my therapist today and I told her about overdosing last night. She promised not to tell anyone though because I'm still here and ok. She only has to tell someone if I'm at risk and I'm not.

    I'm still suicidal, I have so much to cope with and I'm not doing very well. It's so lonely on my own, I hate it. But I don't want to talk to anyone except my husband. I just want him back, I miss him so much. Even though he tried to drag me down the stairs in front of my children and had an affair I am still in love with him.

    Xx

  • Hi kats88

    You're in such a difficult position with such a lot to cope with.

    Do seek support from your care team,it's really good you got support from your therapist today. Try and open up to them about your husband. This is the support you need now in order to start recovering.

    Take care, thinking of you

    Ellie

  • I spoke to my therapist about my husband, I told her I was still in love with him which is true, I am. I am in Bournemouth now but I've forgotten my meds so my husband is driving the 5 hours down here with them. Surely he wouldn't do that unless he still cared for me? Maybe he's beginning to realise he misses me. I've forgotten to take my meds for 3 days and I'm really starting to withdraw. I know there's an order in place that says I will take them but I've just been in bed and have forgotten them. I feel drunk, my head is banging and I feel sick. Venlafaxine withdrawal is really horrendous I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    I can't wait to see my husband, I miss him so much that even 5 minutes is better than nothing. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you arrived safely and hope you now have your medication. Perhaps if you're still not feeling well when you go home you could visit your doctor for advice?

    Take care.

  • I do have my meds now and I feel a lot better, I'm not withdrawing any more. I'm really struggling here though, I just want to stay in my room and lie in bed. I'm not enjoying it at all. So far I've managed to stay in my room a lot of the time and it's made it easier. I can't wait to come home though, I'm dying to just lie in bed with no expectations of me. No having to plaster on a smile when I don't feel like smiling. Xx

  • Hi kats88

    I hope you can at least enjoy some of your weekend away though I know it is hard.

    We are thinking of you

    Ellie

  • I had some good times but I mostly stayed in my room. I went swimming with the kids which was nice but otherwise it wasn't great. Now I've broken down in Bournemouth and waiting for recovery on my own 4 hours from home. It's the last thing I need, things always go wrong for me, my life is just one big mess. Xx

  • Hey Kats88 I just want to pop in and say how WELL you are doing! To have some good times and even go swimming with the children is absolutely amazing. You are doing so, so, well. Recovery is tough, arduous, but you can do it...

    Take care and lots of love

    Kat x

  • I'm home now after the most awful day. I spent 2 hours waiting for recovery after my tyre blew out 100 miles from home then I stopped at the services and a couple drove into my car, but didn't stop to exchange details, then I sat in stationary traffic for 4 hours. I'm absolutely exhausted and am wondering what I did in a previous life to deserve all this. My life is a disaster, and now I have to pay for a new wheel tomorrow.

    I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow and I don't know what to tell her, I've been moaning about the spiders in previous visits but her only suggestion is to increase my dose of depixol which I don't want. It's my injection due on Thursday but I don't intend to go, I'm planning on missing it and seeing how I get on.

    My husband has split up with the childminder and has come round to talk and he said it felt right when we all went to the farm together so maybe there's hope for us yet. I am feeling more hopeful anyway. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope your care co-ordinator was helpful today. I'm sorry that you don't want your injection tomorrow but I think it's important if it's keeping you stable, so that you were able to have a good time with your children and family.

    Take care. xx

  • I didn't go and see her, I couldn't face leaving the house. She's away for 3 weeks now and my therapist is away for 2 weeks so I'm totally on my own for the next 2 weeks. I'm due to start seeing a psychologist but that won't be until my care coordinator gets back so I've got to manage alone, it's going to be so hard. Especially as I won't be on my depot so if I relapse no one will notice for a couple of weeks unless I see family who notice I'm unwell. I'm determined not to relapse though, I know I'm ready to come off it. Did anyone else relapse months later? I'm so concerned about being on my own with no support for two weeks, I don't have a follow up with my psychiatrist for a month and I won't be seeing a nurse for my depot so there's no one to help me if I need it. I think there's a duty person around but if I'm honest I don't want to see them as they won't know my history. xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    Sorry to hear that things continue to be tough, but you are doing really well by just hanging in there; I know it's a cliche but time is a great healer and things can get better over time and with the right support, as they have done for so many of us here. I hope the coming weeks go OK for you; it can be a worry when your usual healthcare professionals are away - the duty team are there if needed though and your GP may also be a good contact if needed. Take care, we are all thinking of you, xx

  • Things have gone wrong again for me. I slept with my husband yesterday and today he said he felt nothing for me and I need to let him go. I feel devastated and used. I haven't even got up today, I've spent the whole day in bed crying and feeling sad. I can't live without him, or my son, and my daughter hates my guts so really I have nothing to continue living for. Xx

  • Kats88 I'm so so sorry to read this. You've had a horrid time and your husbands actions are very wrong and extremely hurtful.

    You have everything to live for. Always remember that you have wonderful children who are a gift. Your daughter doesn't hate you I'm sure, perhaps she's just processing herself. Children can show their emotions differently sometimes which can be hurtful but I'm sure she loves you.

    Stay strong, you've come so far I'm sure. You can do this, this too shall pass. I know it perhaps doesn't feel like it right now, but things will get better.

    Is there anyone you can go to for help?

    Sending my thoughts and hugs x

  • Everyone is away on leave so there's no one I can go to. I feel really suicidal tonight, like I can't go on any longer. There's no duty person on at this time so it's just me and I've got to try and get through it alone. Xx

  • Hey Kats88.

    If you're in the U.K. There is always someone you can talk to. Have you thought about phoning Samaritans? Telephone: 116 123.

    You're not alone, I promise you that lovely. We're all there for you. Rachel X

  • Thanks Rachel but I have a fear of using the phone so I can't ring the Samaritans, I've only just conquered my fear of ringing my care coordinator. I feel very alone, and I don't want to do this anymore xx

  • Hi Kats88, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling low tonight - please consider contacting the Samaritans, as well as phoning you can email them as I know you are comfortable "chatting" on here. Their email is jo@samaritans.org

    Take care and stay safe, xx

  • I've called the emergency out of hours number for my mental health team, I left a message and hope they call me back because I can't keep myself safe tonight. Xx

  • Well done Kats88, that's a great step. Be kind to yourself, you're doing great and you will heal. Just take each moment and stay safe. Thinking of you. I was told that I could always go to A&E if I didn't feel safe. You're not alone x

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. I hope your care team contact you tonight as they are best placed to help you. I also wondered if you can text your mum or dad for support?

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • No one has called me back, im obviously not worthy of their time. I just needed to talk to someone and for them to help me. I hate feeling like this, I'm going to try and sleep so I can make it to tomorrow in one piece without harming myself. Xx

  • Morning Kats88, hope you're doing ok this morning and managed to get some sleep x

  • Hey, yeah I got some sleep, was up a lot though. I'm meant to be going to have my injection but I can't face going xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you managed to have some sleep. I hope you can go for your injection as your care team will want to support and help you.

    Take care. xx

  • I missed my injection, I'm sure I'll be fine without it. I don't need it anyway. I did want to talk through stuff with a cpn because I think I'm in crisis again but I just couldn't face getting out of bed. It was too much. I might call the duty nurse later if I become extra suicidal again. I've come swimming with the kids and my husband and it's been nice, They've had a good time xx

  • Hi Kats88, please consider contacting the duty nurse to tell someone how you feel. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, and that things continue to be hard - remember you can also contact Samaritans on 116123 or jo@samaritans.org. Thinking of you, xx

  • It's out of hours again now and after last night when no one called me back I don't want to try again. I'll call the duty nurse in the morning and tell them how bad things have got. I think I need the crisis team again as I'm definitely in crisis, I can't think straight all I keep thinking about is ways to kill myself and I can't keep on thinking like this, I want to be safe. I've told the kids I love them and kissed them both so that isn't helping as I feel like I've said goodbye. All I want is my family back and then I'd be ok. It's broken me losing them and I feel like I can't carry on without them xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry you feel you're in crisis. I think it will be good for you to open up about how bad things have been so that your care team can help you to stay safe. I hope you can rest and sleep tonight.

    Stay safe and take care.

  • I'm just so scared that the crisis team will refuse to help me like they did last time. They flat out refused to help and just said "do a mental health act assessment on her and get her into hospital". I don't want to go into hospital, I just want to be helped at home. I'm scared that they won't want to help me. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I can understand that you are scared. I don't think the crisis team can refuse to help as they have a duty of care and will want to help and support you.

    Stay safe and take care.

  • The crisis team have refused to help me so they're sectioning me 😪 Xx

  • I've only been here 4 hours and I want to go home already. I hate it here xx

  • Hey Kats88 are you in hospital now? I'm thinking of you - hold on and it will get better, it really will xx

  • Hi I had postpartum psychosis in January 2015 after birth of my son. I also spent months in a mother and baby unit on 2 occasions. It took me a good year and a half to stop having really terrible episodes and 2 and half years later I can tell you I'm much better and although medication was played biggest part in my recovery I believe that time is also great healer. It was tough for me as I had split with my baby's father while I was pregnant and had to cope on my own when I got discharged from hospital although I had family that was great help I was still on my.own most of the time. I'm still on my anti depressant and still take very small dose of anti psychotic and not worried about taking them. Stay strong and know that things can and will get better. X x

  • Yes I'm in hospital now, they're saying I'm psychotic again but I'm not. They said I'm suffering from psychotic symptoms and depression and I'm going to be forced to have my injection even though I don't want it. Xx

  • hi Kats88, thinking of you, you can get through this with the right support. Take care, xx

  • They've taken me off my antipsychotics because my ecg came back abnormal and they're doing a wait and see approach. It's not going well so far, I can see spiders and feel them crawling on me and I've got moths in my ears. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    We're all thinking of you, hang in there. You're safe and are going to get through this.

    I hope you can get some rest tonight, sending you love xx

  • They've drugged me up on lorazepam so I'm feeling very sedated. I want to go home, they say they're looking after me but I don't feel looked after I feel like a lamb to the slaughter, going meds free and knowing I'm relapsing. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you managed to rest last night. I know it must be difficult but you really are in the best place to get better.

    Take care, we are all thinking of you. xx

  • I hate it here and want to come home. It's confusing here and they've reduced my venlafaxine without warning so I'm withdrawing really badly. I've asked them twice to put it back up but it means waiting for the doctor again. At home I have the right dose xx

  • Hi Kats88, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. You are in the right place for the professionals to support you with any withdrawal symptoms and also help our continued recovery.

    PP is so hard and recovery might seem never ending but you will get there, please try and trust the staff and know that they are working to help you and in your best interests.

    We are all thinking of you. Xx

  • It's not safe for me to stay here. I need to somehow leave. There's foxes trying to get in to attack me and they're circling the garden and it's terrifying. I need to go home where I'm safe. I've just been sat here crying because I'm so scared and all that's happened is I'm being given paracetamol for the withdrawal and lorazepam to try and calm me down. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling unsettled. I think if you mention this to the team treating you they will be able to listen and reassure you. Perhaps there might be a nurse who will take time to explain your care plan to you?

    Take care.

  • I asked to go home last night but the answer is no. I'm stuck here until my ecg is back to normal and they've put me on injections. I've chatted with the staff about the moths in my ears and the spiders and god coming down to speak to me and telling me to kill myself so they've emptied my room so I have nothing to kill myself with, and my door has to stay open at all times. I have to have escorted showers where they watch me to make sure I'm not trying to kill myself in the shower. My notes say "relapse, PP, hallucinations and delusions, irrational thinking".

    I feel fine though, I just want to go home away from this fox and spider infested place. They need to get pest control out here. They try to tell me it's in my head but I can physically see it so I know it's real xx

  • Hello Kats88

    That's so good that you have opened up to staff about how you have been feeling so they know how to support you. I was also under supervision when I was sectioned but it's all done to keep you safe and you will fully recover as you are helped by the team caring for you.

    We are all thinking of you. xx

  • Today I have had lorazepam; diazepam ; promethazine and an injection so I'm totally wiped out/. I hav e. Broken my phone too so sorry for the typing: i hate hbeig here. Hbut I have met some nice people:. D xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you had a good sleep. It's good to hear you have met some nice people.

    Stay positive and take care. xx

  • I slept ok hbut I was hbounjd to with all the medication I am taking. I alm really struggling today because there's bugs all over me again and there's spiders everywhere and god is telling me to kill my self. I keep bursting into tears as I don't want this

  • Hi Kats88, I hope you are able talk to the staff about your fears, they are there to help and support you in your recovery. It helped me to think that each day, no matter how awful, was another day done and closer to me getting better. Take care, we are all thinking of you, xx

  • I have told the staff, or rather shouted at them in between tears, and explained i cant keep going like this as the bugs are distressing me and the spiders and moths in my ears is making me panic. god is talking to me and telling me to go with him to heaven so they have stripped my room and im not even allowed my clothes. im being kept permanently sedated on diazepam, lorazepam, promethazine and then i am taking depixol, aripiprazole and venlafaxine. They did force the injection on me and they give me liquid medication to make sure i swallow it, apart from venlafaxine because im happy to take that one. xx

  • Hi Kats88, the staff are trying to keep you safe and like everyone here are just wanting the best for you to get well again. I know it's hard but please try and talk to them, and accept their support, as with the right professional support you can get through this. We are all thinking of you, xx

  • I've just asked the doctor if I can go home but he said no and gave me clonazepam instead. It's not safe here there's spiders and bugs and foxes and I'm frightened. At home it is safer. I hate being without all my stuff, I'm not even allowed bedding in case I try to kill myself with it. I just want to go home xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope your day has been more settled. Your care team really want what's best for you so try to be open about how you feel so that they can help you. I hope the nice people you mentioned will be good company for you too.

    Try to rest tonight and take care. xx

  • I'm sedated so I've been asleep all morning and most of the afternoon. I've been crying non stop because the bugs won't leave me alone. They're crawling all over me xx

  • Oh Kats that sounds very distressing. You are safe and things will start to improve. Keep talking to the staff there so they're able to give you the care you need, they only want what's best for you. I hope you're able to rest. Big hug xx

  • It's not safe here the foxes are trying to get to me. They're going to attack me. I need to go home where I'm safe. The hospital has spiders everywhere and I can sleep because of it xx

  • Thinking of you Kats88. Keep talking to the staff, they are there to help. I'm sorry you're having such an awful time. Things will get better. Sending hugs xxx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you managed to have some sleep even though you were restless. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling but If you let your care team know they will be able to to support you. Take care. xx

  • I've got leave to go to the shop so im going with my ex husband and kids today even though im still mental. I cant wait although I don't know if I'll be coming back again xx

  • Hi Kats88, I hope you enjoyed time with your family today and it wasn't too tiring. Take care, we are all thinking of you, xx

  • It was a disaster, my ex shouted and swore at me the whole time and acted completely out of character. We were only out for an hour before we had to leave again because I was getting upset with his behaviour and he was just screaming at me, blaming me for the kids just being kids.

    I got back to the unit and got sedated as I was in such a state and and have been ever since, I slept all day today and only just woke up. I'm not allowed any more leave now as they've decided I'm not ready xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm so sorry your family day didn't go very well. I'm glad you're safe on the unit and have been able to sleep. I hope talking to the staff is easier as they will know how to support you.

    Take care. xx

  • Well after spending the night in a&e, I am back on the ward and on level 3 observations which means I am followed round by a nurse all Day and night and I hate it xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I'm so sorry that things are so hard at the moment. I was on high observations for a time too, and it can be difficult, but you are in the best place to get better, and the staff will be doing everything they can to support you and help you to get better. Are there any staff you feel you trust, and can talk to?

    Take care, we are thinking of you

    Ellie

  • The staff hate me.

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. The staff really want to give you the best care so try and let them know how you feel so they can help. I hope you have a good sleep tonight.

    Take care. xx

  • Wishing you a good night, too Kats88.

    x

  • Hi kats88

    We are all thinking of you. Do try and talk to any staff you feel you can trust. You can recover and get better. Take care Ellie

You may also like...