Hi I'm new here

I had PPP in Jan 2016 and relapsed three times and ended up in a mother and baby unit for 3 months, then an acute ward twice, my latest stay being Jan 2017. My husband has been amazing through it all but 3 weeks ago decided he couldn't do it anymore and left me. I am heartbroken, I've got the crisis team coming in every day to give me my meds but all I want to do is take an overdose and be gone. I'm on a depixol depot injection but I want to stop it as I haven't relapsed in months but my psychiatrist said no and it's important I have it. Was anyone else on antipsychotics for over a year after having PPP? I'm looking forward to talking to you all xx

166 Replies

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm so glad you have found the forum as there are lots of mums here to offer support. Thank you for sharing your experience of what sounds like an awful time for you. I had PP twice many years ago and relapsed so I understand how hard it is to go all the way back to square one.

    I'm so sorry you're heartbroken that your husband left. PP and all the ups and downs to recovery puts a big strain on relationships. I'm glad you have the support from the crisis team. You have been through so much. Do you have family and friends to be with you when the team are not there? I think you need to be open and honest with the crisis team about how you really feel so that they can support you.

    During my recovery I was in and out of various general mixed psychiatric units in times of crisis. I think it's best to be guided by your psychiatrist. I was on antipsychotics for a year or more and at one stage I thought I could do without them but I was wrong! I went downhill very quickly and it took a long time for me to get back on track.

    All this was a great strain on my husband. We had our ups and downs and unfortunately he had a breakdown himself while I was recovering. Perhaps your husband will return when he has had space to think about how much you have both been through together?

    Please don't despair, try to surround yourself with support although it's very hard for you at the moment. You must be so emotional and it's hard to keep on top of your thoughts but you will fully recover. It's not easy but try to be hopeful. You have had great courage to come this far so take good care of yourself. If you do need to talk, the Samaritans are there 24/7 on 116 123.

    Sending a virtual hug. Stay safe ........ there are other mums here to talk and offer advice.

  • Hi Lilybeth thank you for responding.

    No I don't have friends, I isolated myself when unwell and lost all my friends, so now it's just me. I'm trying to cope as best I can but I'm struggling, I feel so lost and alone.

    I miss my husband so much it hurts and I just want him to come back to me, but I know that's not going to happen. I love him so much and I'm devastated he's gone because of this stupid illness.

    I haven't eaten in days and I've lost 2 stone in weight and I just feel terrible. If it wasn't for my kids I'd go and kill myself xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I think we can all understand why you isolated yourself from friends as our experiences seem so far from reality. It must be such a struggle for you to have lost your soulmate. Is it possible that you can talk to your mother-in-law about how upset you are? Do you have any family nearby?

    Please try to eat as you need to keep going, as you say, for the love of your children. Have the crisis team commented on your drastic weight loss? I know we are all 'virtual' here but you're really not alone and we do really care. I had days when I felt helpless and hopeless but you need to keep fighting your thoughts and try to get through each day as best you can. Try to sleep tonight if you can and ask the crisis team about support tomorrow.. Perhaps a health visitor will be able to offer help at home while you are trying to cope with such a stressful time.

    I'll be thinking of you .... please stay safe and take care.

  • I'm not close to my mother in law so sadly there's no use talking to her. She doesn't like me anyway.

    The crisis team have commented on my weight loss but they haven't been concerned about it because I'm still fat so as far as they're concerned it's not a problem.

    I hate my health visitor after she wrote some damning report for the child protection conference which basically said I had never bonded with my daughter and was emotionally abusing her by not being bonded to her. I've declined her services and won't be seeing her again. I've also had to change care coordinators for the same reason, so I'm getting to know my new one now, she seems nice enough. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    Welcome to the forum. It's so good to have you here. I'm so sorry though to hear what an awful time you've been through, with relapses and hospital admissions, and now your husband leaving. That sounds really awful, and so hard to bear, on top of everything.

    I just wanted to tell you that you are going to get better, and get through this. You are not alone. Many women on here have struggled just as you do. PP took a huge toll on my relationship too, we were barely talking at times, it is such a huge strain on the relationship. I know it seems unbearable now but I promise, it's temporary and you're going to get through it.

    It is good to hear that you are being supported daily by the crisis team. Are you honest with them how you are feeling? Do you feel you can talk to them? It's so important that you tell the people supporting you how you feel, completely honestly, so they can support you. Do you have any other support too? - family or friends? Do you have anyone staying with you, who is supporting you?

    I know it is hard to stay on the anti psychotic, but I would trust what the psychiatrist is telling you for the moment, until you are really strong and stable. I took an anti psychotic for about 12-18 months, but I didn't relapse after my initial episode so I imagine that they will want to keep you on for longer until you are really stable. They will be really experienced with treating people, and will know what medication works.

    I also wanted to let you know that we have a recovery guide, that was written by women who had PP and perinatal mental health clinicians. It may be too much to read at the moment, but you may find it helpful. The link is here: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

    And remember, this is temporary, it is going to pass and you will get better, and you are not alone.

    Take care, I am thinking of you

    Ellie X

  • Hi kats88,

    I'm so very sorry you've been through such a terrible time with PP, and continue to suffer because of it. My heart goes out to you, it's such a devastating illness.

    Please keep yourself safe and don't lose hope, I'm sure things will get better though it must seem so impossible right now.

    Thinking of you and sending lots of love xx

  • Dear Kats 88,

    I am so deeply sorry about your difficult time at the moment. I have been following the above dialogue and just would like to let you know that you are not on your own and mums are here to listen to you. I am so pleased you have found this forum. I only found out 5 years later after my PPP in 2010. It is a relief to know that you are not on your own. It has helped me tremendously to talk to other females who have suffered this traumatic illness.

    I was very poorly and sectioned. The medication finally helped me to recover from Psychosis.The crisis team was there to help our family initially and I have had a lot of support from professionals in the after-care. A good Psychiatrist was of great help to wean me off from my anti-depressants eventually.

    Please, do keep talking to professionals such as the crisis team about your feelings. In my case I have had a health visitor for two years, I have kept my care coordinator, who provided me with appropriate therapies. It is good to open up to your GP and see whether he/she could suggest a path, to prevent isolation.

    Thinking of you,

    Sabine :-)

  • Dear Kats88,

    I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling, but really hope you are drawing some strength from us mums on the forum who have gone through PPP just like you. It's incredible to believe when you're in the middle of it, but it really is true that you do get better, you will recover and put this behind you. I had PPP in 2015 after the birth of my second son, and it was a huge strain on my marriage. I too hated the antipsychotics I was on, but gradually and with medical advice I came off them. I also had an amazing psychological therapy called EMDR that helped me overcome the trauma of nearly being sectioned and the rollercoaster of thoughts & emotions that is PPP. Stay strong special lady & keep fighting. Talk here & to any healthcare people helping you, look long at your babies and keep going, big hugs Helen xxxx

  • Hi all, thank you for replying it means a lot.

    I'm really struggling with losing my husband, I still love him so much and he doesn't feel the same way anymore and it's heartbreaking. I feel like giving up and killing my self but I know I've got to keep going for my kids.

    I hate this stupid illness, I am so alone and have no friends left. The olanzapine I was on caused me to gain 4 stone and I feel so self conscious going out because they've made me so fat. Luckily depixol doesn't make me hungry so I'm not having to deal with that on top of everything else. I want to be off the injection so much but I've been sectioned 3 times now and the psychiatrist thinks it will happen again if I stop having it. It's due on Thursday and I'm thinking about not going. If I don't go they can't force me to have it.

    I'm completely on my own, none of my family are local and it's just me. Because of my ppp my kids are on child protection plans and I'm not allowed to be alone with them at the moment which makes things even worse as I'm totally alone through the days as my kids have to be in childcare 5 days a week even though I'm at home and could be looking after them. I'm fighting the child protection plans at the moment to try and sort it out so that I can be on my own with the kids.

    Thank you all for replying, it helps me feel less alone xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry to hear everything you're dealing with, including the child protection issues with your children and that you don't have family or friends you're able to rely on. Things sound really tough.

    As you see you're not alone , there are many here who can offer you support.

    I would really recommend you do take the medication, at least until you feel more stable as it sounds like you're struggling. I know it's hard I hated the side effects too but they were essential to me staying well.

    Are you being offered any therapy? It sounds like you really need someone to talk to, to help you deal with everything you have to cope with.

    Thinking of you


  • I'm having mother and infant psychotherapy which I am paying for privately, it is helping me to bond with my daughter but it's not easy, taking her with me to therapy each week.

    I've been offered DBT through the cmht but I know that's not the type of therapy I need which is why I have sought it privately. I may have to stop going now though as money is going to be incredibly tight now that my husband is going and taking his money with him. I'm not being paid at the moment as I'm off sick so I've been relying on him and now I'm going to have to go back to work and pay the mortgage myself. Kat x

  • Hello Kats88

    Good to hear from you. It's such a shame that the olanzapine caused your weight gain. You've been through such a lot in a short space of time. It sounds as though the injection is better for you and I think you should stay with it if it's keeping you stable.

    PP is awful and not your fault. It's through no fault of your own that your children are on child protection plans. I think it's just procedure the services have to follow, it's not a judgment against you although sometimes professionals appear very insensitive especially when they must be aware that you are battling to recover from such a traumatic illness. I'm glad you have been able to stand your ground and refuse any further involvement with that particular health visitor and support co-ordinator. Hopefully the new care co-ordinator is more understanding and will be willing to listen and support you through such a hard time.

    I hope the crisis team are helpful. During my second recovery I was mainly treated at home and had so many professionals visiting daily. At one stage I had to be watched 24/7 so I know how up and down the days can be. There's a really good blog, ppsoup.com which might be helpful to have a look at and also perhaps show to your care team who might be able to understand what you are trying to deal with, the link being ppsoup.com/2015/11/30/i-had...

    Try to eat a little so that you can keep your strength up. PP and all that has been thrown at you will floor you for a while but you will find your place again. I hope your care co-ordinator will be able to help with fighting your corner so that you can be alone with your children. Try to be hopeful although it must be so hard ...... your husband might return home to his family.

    Please keep in touch if talking here helps. We really are all thinking of you. Take care and stay safe. xx

  • Yes the social workers and all the professionals have been so insensitive when it came to the child protection conference, they really didn't care that I had suffered from such a traumatic illness and just labelled me a risk to my children. It was horrible.

    The injection is keeping me stable but I've been stable for nearly 6 months so I think it's time I came off it. I hate having it, it hurts and itches and makes me really tired.

    The crisis team are ok but they just constantly try to get me back in the acute ward, they tried to get me sectioned on Friday but I managed to get through the assessment and stay at home. They keep telling me to change and my husband might change his mind when I know that's not the case and he won't change his mind, he is sure of his decision. Plus they're trying to tell me to change and be "normal" when I'm struggling so much which isn't helpful. I'm struggling to even get out of bed at the moment and I don't want to see them but it's that or hospital so I have no choice.

    When I was in hospital in Jan I was on 121 observations for 7 days so I know how tough that is. Even going to the toilet or having a shower I had to have someone in with me.

    I'll have a look at the blog, thank you.

    I just feel like I'm at rock bottom and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I really do wish I was dead xx

  • Hello Kat

    I think you need to be guided by your psychiatrist about the injection. What will the alternative be? I had to go as an outpatient for treatment in times of crisis, of which there were many. The crisis team don't sound very knowledgeable about PP if they are asking you to change and be 'normal' ..... if only it was that easy.

    I had a problem with using my bed as a sanctuary ..... I was having delusions and retreated to my bed as no one believed me. I know you don't want to go into hospital but do you think it might be a good idea, even for a few days?

    As I was in hospital for months without my sons (six years apart) I did find difficulty in bonding at first but as time went on and I was able to be more confident as a mum, we did eventually build an unbreakable bond. So I think if you are struggling to make ends meet, you will be able to build a natural bond with your daughter without paying for therapy.

    If you do have to take over the mortgage, it might be an idea to go to the mortgage provider and ask if you can have an interest only mortgage. It might also be possible to extend the term to make payments cheaper. I was able to do this years ago and although paying the interest only didn't reduce the total mortgage very much, it enabled me to stay in my home and afford the repayments.

    The light at the end of the tunnel is there and as you slowly recover you will be able to rebuild your confidence. It can't be easy for you and I hope your psychiatrist will give you more time off work to recover. Take care and stay safe. xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    Hello & welcome!

    I am new here too!

    So sorry to hear about your relationship breakdown! My heart goes out to you & your family. More hugs coming your way from me.

    With regard to your question about the length of time taking antipsychotic medication after post partum psychosis, yes, I too was on them for 18 months after my episode of ppp.

    I came off the medication last May & unfortunately had a minor relapse so was put back on them until my mood stabilised again. I am still on a slow reduction of my anti psychotic meds nearly 2 & a half years after my initial episode.

    Trusting the professional services was hard for me when I was poorly, however through taking medication & utilising local support services such as Homestart Herefordshire I have made a full recovery.

    Could you ask your support worker of any local organisations that offer support to parents in your area? MIND do have Well Being Centres in some areas where they can offer outreach services & befriending. I have spoken to their phone advisers many times when I have felt alone & vulnerable. There are some fantastic charities out there offering practical & emotional support in times of crisis.

    You are amazing & deserve love & support through this difficult time. Sending out lots of positivity to you on your road to recovery. You can do this!

  • Hi Kats88

    I can't believe everything you are having to cope with, including the financial burden now, and not being able to access therapy that may help you. I feel so sad for you. I just hope that we can be some support for you on here.

    I too wondered if there were any groups or organisations you could access in your local area that may help you, as EmilyGolds mentioned: Homestart, or Mind, or Rethink? Or maybe even something you have an interest in, nothing to do with mental health, that could be therapeutic? a kind of group - art, gardening, yoga, exercise class?? something that may make your days a bit busy and distract you, even for a moment?

    I had depression after PP, and I remember how hard it was to get out of bed, and get through the day. It was such a huge struggle. It really helped me to have just some small goals for the day - really simple ones like a list of small household jobs I would do, or going for a walk with my son. It sometimes didn't lift my mood, but it made me feel like I was 'fighting' it and I do think it made a difference over time. I also tried to go swimming (women's only, as I felt so insecure) twice a week. I also found it helpful to write two or three things that were good that day - all I could manage some days was that the sun was shining, or my son smiled or something like that, and often I didn't feel the joy but somehow for me it helped me because it was a way of fighting the depression and trying to build up some positivity.

    I also found it helpful to view the depression/illness as something separate from myself, that I had to do battle with, rather than an integral part of myself, if that makes sense? You are not the illness - underneath all this awfulness is the 'real' you - you are still there.

    I don't know if any of this is helpful, please take or leave whatever is...

    I also wondered what kind of psychiatric support you have had during your illness? Did you ever get support / diagnosis from a perinatal psychiatrist (specialised in the mental health of mothers) and is your current psychiatrist knowledgeable about mood disorders (PP/depression)? Do you feel you may need different medication or treatment than what you're getting? I only ask as there is a second opinion psychiatry service, with one of the leading perinatal psychiatrists in the country, who specialises in PP, but also mood disorders generally. It is free to access (for you and your local health authority), but you need to be referred by your local health authority or GP. If you feel this might be helpful, perhaps you could ask the team supporting you? app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

    Take care Kats88, we are all here for you


  • Hi ladies thank you for responding. I saw a psychiatrist at the mother and baby unit who was knowledgeable about pp and she was quite good although she did have me sectioned so not all good. My current psychiatrist thinks I have a personality disorder too but I'm currently asking for a second opinion on this as I don't agree and believe that this is depression caused by the pp and my situation at home.

    I don't want to go to hospital even though that's what the crisis team want, I've been in 3 times and I'm done with them, they're so boring and they just sedate me for the whole time I'm there. It's not fun at all.

    I haven't looked into any groups, I live in a small ish town and don't think there is anything from MIND etc but I'll look into it. I can't face doing exercise etc at the moment, I can hardly drag myself out of bed so that's something for when I'm better.

    My injection is due tomorrow and I'm still not sure whether to have it or not. I've got to go to the surgery anyway as I've got an appointment with the second opinion psychiatrist so I could have it done at the same time but in my head I feel like I'm ready to come off it now, it's been 18 months of antipsychotics and I am no longer psychotic so I don't need it.

    Kat xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I hope your appointment goes well today.

    Take care.

  • Hello. I do hope your appointment went well for you the other day.

    Yes, unfortunately services can be in short supply in small or rural areas.


    I think this is the link I used to look up support in my area.

    Take good care

    Em x

  • home-start.org.uk/find-your...

    Home start page. I know even searching for things can be a drain on your energy, hope this helps. x

  • What a truly awful time you have had and are continuing to have. Constantly wanting to take an overdose is part of the illness and not part of you. The thoughts in your head are a terrible manifestation of psychosis and you must continue with the injections as advised by your psychiatrist. You may need this for a long time to help you stabilise. I have been on anti psychotic meds since my son was born 27 years ago. I do not know if that is other people's experience. The endless suicidal thoughts eventually left. I have bi polar disorder and have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety many times but eventually I decided to keep the meds going in order to stay well. It is 15 years since I relapsed and I still take the meds and am monitored by my GP. I was on a mother and baby unit for 4 months in 1990 and after such a traumatic course through mental illness throughout the whole of my adult life I am prepared to stay on the meds as they keep me well. I have had counselling which helped, been on benefits, had part time jobs and now work full time in a clerical job. My husband and I found all this so, so, hard. He did stay with me thank God, so my heart goes out to you. I promise you, you will get through this. It's a fight and an uphill battle but you will arrive in a good place in your mind. The meds are there to help for as long as you need them. Talk to as many people as you can, professional and non-professional, friends, family, anyone you feel you can open up to. Try to sleep as often as possible and go for some small walks if you can. You are a valuable person and one day you will look back on this time and be able to help someone through a similarly difficult time. Please do not give up. I am going to say a special prayer for you tonight. xx

  • Thank you, well my appointment went how I expected and I don't have a personality disorder. Which is a relief because now they should stop trying to ram DBT down my throat. They keep saying it helps with maladaptive coping mechanisms but I'm not self harming nor taking overdoses so I'm not using maladaptive coping mechanisms.

    My husband still hates me, my dad has the kids Sunday-Tuesday so my husband is staying in a hotel to get away from me. It's breaking my heart. I still love him.

    I took the kids to stay with my mum and once I was half way down there social services decided I couldn't go because the children are on the child protection register. They police checked my mum and my stepdad and my sister and eventually let me take them down there, but it was a lot of arguing and them trying to prevent me from going. I feel so trapped by it all, they are setting up a written agreement that my kids can't go anywhere without my husband which means I'm forced to sit back and watch as he takes them to his mums and enjoys them whilst I can't take them anywhere. It's beyond depressing.

    I wish I didn't have kids so I could just OD and die xx

  • I too struggled with suicidal thoughts and many times made attempts to take my life. But God was gracious to me and reminded me each time that I had the responsibility of my daughter. I didn't have child protection orders but know the frustration of needing to be with someone else constantly with my daughter. She is now four and it is only now that I feel confident on my own with her. I'm praying for your situation and hope you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For me it was a long road and I still remain on anti psychotic medicine, as well as anti depressants and anti anxiety tablets. I too know what it's like to put on weight with medication. I went from a size 14 to size 24!!!! But it does get better and although you may not be able to see it now in time you will be able to look back to this time and see how far you've come.

    I would suggest that you share your intrusive thoughts with someone you can trust. My CON was good so I could talk with her, but even when she was not available I would often call 'duty' and have even been to a&e! I worried that I would return to the ward, as I too was nearly sectioned but it was managed by the home treatment team.

    Really praying for your situation

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for your update. I'm glad you're relieved about the outcome of your appointment. It's good you have the support of your mum and dad to look after your children, although I can see how upsetting it must be for you not being able to have time with them.

    I wondered if an agreement is being set up, whether you can have any input? Perhaps it might be helpful for you to contact the Advocacy Service who can provide an advocate to speak on your behalf who is independent of Social Services and the NHS? Or is there a good friend who can accompany you to meetings and speak on your behalf?

    Local Authorities fund Advocacy Services and you will need to contact your Local Council or check its website. Try to be strong ...... although I know it's not easy when you are trying to cope with the effects of medication.

    Being the caring mum that you are, I'm sure your children are not happy if they can't be with you either. Calmly build support around you ..... just because you have had a mental illness doesn't mean you're a bad mum!! Be positive that you can get through all this. There is always hope.

    Take care. We are all here for you xx

  • Hello Kats88,

    how are you today? A lot of good suggestions have been made by all the mums above. With everything happen around you it maybe quite good to dot down all the information and try to make your voice heard. Keep on talking to as many people as possible. However, that is easier said than done. I believe that somebody who can work with you together and speak on your behalf would be of great help.

    It is so extremely difficult to sort out issues when being poorly. The Advocacy Service is a good idea for dealing with pragmatic issues and all the authorities, who are involved in your "case". I am not sure whether there is somebody with whom you could share your worries and develop some trust, whether it is a friend, a family member, or somebody who has known your experiences since becoming unwell. I believe it is important to make sure that you are listen to and your needs are recognised (especially emotionally) in order to improve your health.

    I kept with my care coordinator and she has been of great value when having to deal with authorities, but in addition developing strategies within a care plan to improve my health and welfare, so that I had the opportunity to get better and eventually to look after our child again. (allocating a team of professionals to sort out type of medication and eventually weaning off anti depressions, implementing therapy, involvement of people I trust)

    I got a lot of help and information for my individual needs when talking to Mind and attending initially a support group with them.

    You are not on your own,

    the experience of all of us will give you hopefully strength to battle through this difficult times.

    Thinking of you,

    Sabine :-)

  • Hi Kats88

    How are you doing the last few days? We are all thinking of you... It sounds like you are having to cope with so much...I hope some of the advice we have given has been helpful. I really hope that things slowly become easier for you...

    Take care X

  • Hi I'm not doing well. My ex is threatening to tell social services I'm a risk to my kids so they force me out of the house, it's terrifying. I almost hung myself yesterday and if it wasn't for the crisis team coming round I would have done it. I'm being discharged from them tomorrow though so it's going to be down to me to keep myself safe and I just don't know if I can.

    I feel at rock bottom, I haven't even got out of bed yet today and social services are coming round later to see us and I just can't face it. I'm so tired of it all and im tired of fighting to keep my head above water, I just want to give up. Xx

  • Hi Kat88

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful... things sound so hard. I know that it seems like things can't get better, but they will get better. This is temporary, and you will recover from this.

    Have you told the Crisis team how you feel? I know it can be hard to say how you feel, but it's really important that you speak to them, and tell them your thoughts and how you are feeling so they can get you the right support. Remember, you can ring them at any time, and do ring them if you feel the urge to do something is strong. If you find it hard to talk to them perhaps you could print out what you have written here and show them. If they are discharging you, do you know where you will be getting support from instead?

    What do you think could help you to feel and stay safe at home? You could write them down so you can see clearly what you can do. It could be a list of things to do that help you not to feel so low or things that lessen the thoughts (e.g. different routines or distractions) and people who you find it particularly helpful to talk to (family or professionals); people who you can ring and who could possibly stay with you, or you with them (I know you have mentioned your mum and stepdad, and your dad, in a previous post)?

    How did it go with social services? I hope it was OK?

    Have you managed to look into anything such as a mental health advocate, to help with the custody and child protection issues etc?

    I also wondered if it would be OK for me, or Hannah, the other Peer Support Coordinator, to private message you on here, so we can talk further?

    You're not alone. Write whenever you need to. We are here for you

    Ellie x

  • Hi kats88,

    I am so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. I just want you to know how strong you are by dealing with all that you are going through whilst you are feeling so low.

    I know it is so hard to believe when you are feeling the way you are, but you will get better. How are you feeling since your last post? Have you spoken with anyone today about how you are feeling?

    Please keep talking to us, we are here to listen,

    Sally xx

  • Hello Kats88

    How are you tonight? You are going through so much with little support so I can understand how desperate you must feel. I'm surprised the crisis team are discharging you tomorrow and hope they will offer some sort of support to you as it seems unfair when you need them most.

    I hope you will allow Ellie or Hannah to private message you for support to talk. You can also speak to The Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123. I hope you manage to sleep tonight.

    We are all thinking of you ... please keep in touch to get your feelings out xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    Sending you love and thinking of you, I'm so sorry things are feeling so bad. Please don't lose hope, you can get through this.

    I hope you've been offered more support, you shouldn't be left to cope alone when feeling like this. We're all here for you, keep talking to us.

    J xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Is it possible your mum and sister can be with you today for support? I hope you are ok. Stay safe and take care.

  • Hi Kats88

    I just wanted to add my thoughts to you here too and that I have been thinking of you and hoping that the appointment today goes ok.

    Please try and be as honest with the crisis team as you can. Feeling so low and hopeless can be exhausting and I hope you can rest a little too.

    If you would like to be in touch via private message, as Ellie mentioned, please drop us a line. If you click on my username there should be the option there for writing direct.

    Hang in there, you can do this and we are all standing with you. Take care and stay safe, xx

  • I haven't slept, I haven't eaten since Saturday, I've lost half a stone in a week, I feel exhausted and low, I'm not strong enough to do this anymore.

    I refused to let the crisis team in yesterday as I didn't want to see anyone, so they're definitely discharging me today. Then I'll just see my care coordinator weekly but that's it.

    My ex husband is leaving for good and has found somewhere to live so I'm just going to be completely alone. I'm not allowed the kids unsupervised and I have to have a parenting assessment which is 8 sessions long in a contact centre to see my own children.

    I can't bear it, everything is a mess and I can't cope with it all.

    Ellie or Hannah you're welcome to pm me xx

  • Hi Kats88, I have messaged you. Sorry to hear things are so hard, please stay in touch if you'd like. We are all thinking of you. Take care, xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm so sorry you're very low and it's so hard for you. Has your mum or sister been able to visit you today? You will need a lot of support and I'm glad Ellie and Hannah are in contact. You must try and eat, if only little and often, or else you will be so dehydrated and weak. We are all with you and I've been thinking about you today ......

    Stay safe and take really good care of yourself. xx

  • My sister is in Spain and my mum lives 4 hours away so no, no one has visited. I had therapy today and told her a bit about how I was feeling, and she said she was concerned but I don't think she's going to tell anyone thank god. The crisis team also discharged me today so I'm back to just my care coordinator and the community psychiatrist. I don't know when I'll see him again though. Everything just massively sucks and I wish it could all be over. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Thanks for coming back. Hopefully you will be able to build up trust with the therapist after a few sessions. How often will you be seeing her? I hope the care co-ordinator will be helpful and understanding too.

    Will your mum be able to visit if you need her? It's such a lot for you to cope with on your own and you will really need to draw on all your strength to get through it ..... but you will for the love of your children. Perhaps in time when your ex realizes that all your odd behavior (similar to mine) was due to PP and nothing to do with you he will return to his family. I'm sorry I'm not much comfort but I really hope you will find your way.

    I hope you manage to sleep tonight. Please keep writing to us as we are all with you. Xx

  • I see my therapist every week, I've been going since February so I've seen her a while now. I do trust her but she's got a duty under the child protection plan to report anything of concern to social services. Hopefully she won't though.

    My mum won't come and visit as she's too far away but my dad can if needed, although he's not much help to be honest. He keeps telling me to just get better but it's easier said than done, I'm so far away from being better I'm consumed by suicidal thoughts all day and night and it's a struggle to stay safe.

    My husband is determined that it's over and that there is no going back so sadly I don't think he will ever come back to me. It breaks my heart. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope the therapist knows you enough by now not disclose everything and perhaps recognize that some days are different for you.

    It's a shame your mum lives too far away. My PP was a long time ago and my parents still to this day won't discuss how ill I was. I have since read my notes that it was very traumatic for them too. My husband was also asked not to speak about my 'illness' due to stigma either inside or outside the home, so he never did.

    I'm sorry you're having such thoughts which I have had too but you can't be blamed as this is the illness taking over and can be very demanding. I heard a voice commanding me and have read that I was actively suicidal so went into hospital as an outpatient for treatment. I know you don't want to but do you think it would help if you went into hospital for say, a weekend? You are coping with so much on your own so I can understand how much of a struggle it is. Did the community psychiatrist have an ongoing care plan for you now that you have been discharged from the Crisis Team?

    I'm sorry your husband is so determined to leave after supporting you so much at the beginning of your PP. I've said before that when he has left he might have second thoughts about everything and return home so try not to give up hope. The relationship we had as a couple took a turn for the worse during my second PP because of my delusions and self harm. It was thought I'd never recover. I can only imagine how stressful the arrangements for seeing your children must be for you.

    It's not easy but try to distract yourself from your thoughts. Even though your dad doesn't understand it might be an idea just to talk to him so that you can focus on how you feel and not on your thoughts. Is it possible for you to speak to your children when they stay with your dad or perhaps this might be upsetting for you?

    I'm sorry if I've rambled on ... I just wanted to share my experience in the hope that you will recognize similarities and feel that even in the depths of despair you will fully recover in your own time. I think you need to ask the community psychiatrist about a plan to guide you through such a traumatic illness and constantly review your care.

    Thanks for coming back ....... stay safe and take care. I hope you have been able to eat a little today. We are all with you. Xx

  • I haven't eaten today, I'm just not hungry. I've lost 6lbs this week alone, I can't face eating.

    You didn't ramble on at all, I wish I shared your hope about recovering but I don't feel like I ever will. My voices commanding me to kill myself have gone now thanks to the depixol injection but I still feel suicidal and low. I'm on 375mg venlafaxine as well which helps lift my mood to an extent but it's not getting rid of the suicidal thoughts.

    I don't want to go to hospital because it would be a step backwards and I'm trying to prove to social services that I'm recovering and can look after my kids alone. They're never going to let me do that if I've been back inside another psychiatric ward even if it was just for a few days. I haven't seen the community psychiatrist since I was discharged so I don't know about a care plan. My care coordinator was meant to do one with me but she just gave me the blank paperwork and told me to fill it in... problem is I'm rubbish at these things and I don't know what to put.

    Yeah I speak to my kids whilst they are at my dads, I try to go and see them on a Monday as well whilst they are there so I get as much time with them as possible if I'm feeling up to getting up and dressed and down there. Today I didn't even get dressed and it was a struggle to have a shower, it felt like a massive effort to do something so basic. I just can't get away from inside my head telling me that I'd be better off dead and my kids would be better off without me in their lives xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I was honestly like you and thought I would never recover. Following my second PP I also had depression which took me to a new low that dragged me down for almost a year. I had days when I didn't want to get out of bed and personal hygiene went out of the window. I was so flat.

    I'm glad the voices have gone due to the injection. Perhaps the suicidal thoughts will fade with further treatment and review of medication. Is this something you can discuss with your therapist? Are you being open with professionals about how you really feel? I was very suspicious of professionals but they are there to help.

    I can understand why you don't want to go into hospital so is it possible for you to have more care at home to build your confidence and self-esteem? I think your doctor needs to discuss your care with you and make a plan to decide what support you need and treatment. The next time your care co-ordinator visits I would ask her to take time to fill in the paperwork with you. It's very hard for you to focus on filling out forms as there is so much more to think about.

    I'm glad you are able to see your kids quite often as I imagine just being in their company can lift your mood. Try to focus your energy on getting out of bed so that you'll be able to see them as I'm sure they love spending time with you. Your kids would definitely not be better off without you so, as hard as it is, fight back at that voice trying to control you. You are priceless to your kids and with the right medical help and support you will find your place again.

    If you can't face eating, is it possible to ask your doctor to prescribe some nutritional drinks to maintain your energy levels? You are a great mum coping with such a lot and we are all here to listen if it helps you.. Stay safe and take good care. Xx

  • I'm struggling to get out of bed today. I just can't face being up and dealing with the kids, I'm too tired but I can't sleep. I've got to take the kids to my dads but I don't have the energy to do it all.

    I'm not being honest with the professionals because when I am they try to put me in hospital and I need my care coordinator and therapist on my side for the child protection meetings and that means I have to be seen to be recovering even though I'm not. So I'm constantly telling them all that I'm coping and doing ok when the reality is I'm not coping at all.

    I will ask my cc to go through the care plan with me, because I don't have the energy to start doing it on my own.

    As for eating, I'm doing ok without food, I've still got 2 stone to lose to be back at a happy weight so I don't need anything. I ate half a pasta salad portion on Friday and that's enough to sustain me for a while. Xx

  • I found it very hard to get out of bed when I was at home. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with my kids and routine. In the end I had to do things slowly ..... sit on the end of the bed for a few minutes to gather my thoughts and try to go from there. It's a shame if you can't take your kids to see their grandad. It might be cooler in the fresh air than in bed too but I understand how difficult it is from day to day.

    I'm sorry you're not coping at all, it must be so hard. Hopefully when the care plan is in place all the professionals will work together to help you. Did you think about the advocacy service I mentioned earlier in the thread? It would be a good idea to have someone to speak on your behalf as I imagine the cp meetings must be very stressful for you. I know when I sat in a room with professionals I found it a struggle to keep up.

    Please be careful about your weight loss, it's not good to lose so quickly, especially in this warm weather if you are in the UK.

    Stay safe and take care. Thanks for coming back ......

  • I am in the U.K. And yes it's very hot today. I've eaten lunch today as I managed to get to my dads and we all went out for lunch.

    I hear the kids wake up in the morning but I just can't drag myself out of bed, it's like I'm stuck and can't get out. I don't know how I'll cope when I'm on my own with them, I'm going to be getting up at 6am with both of them every day and it's going to be so hard. I'm not a morning person anyway so I'm absolutely dreading the expectation that I will constantly have to get up with them. My eldest is autistic and he doesn't sleep through the night, he's up constantly and is a right pain so I'm going to struggle. I don't know how I'm going to cope.

    I haven't contacted the advocacy service because I have a fear of using the phone, so I can't ring anyone. I can't even ring my GP, or the hairdresser or anyone. It's a horrible thing to have anxiety over. I don't even know why I'm so scared of doing it, I'm ok at work using the phone so I don't know what's so different at home. I desperately need my hair doing but I'm so scared of ringing so I've been putting it off.

    I'm all alone now, the kids are with my dad and my husband is in a hotel. I really struggle on my own, it feels so lonely and I miss my husband so much. I just want him back so badly but he's having none of it. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    That's great news that you all went out to lunch today. You did really well to coax yourself from your bed! I think you will surprise yourself when you're on your own with your children as I think responsibility kicks in. I was on my own with my sons since my youngest was ten and both now have families of their own.

    I was beside myself worrying that I wouldn't wake up and be able to cope with them. I remember one morning lying in bed, thinking to myself, "Well, if I don't get up no one will". It's a big thing getting breakfast and making sure you are out of the house so they won't be late for school but if I did it, anyone can, although I appreciate it will be difficult for you with your eldest who might need extra help. You will feel so proud of yourself too that despite everything you definitely can do it .....

    That must be so annoying not being able to use the phone at home. Does your hairdresser have an email address? That's positive that you're thinking about your appearance isn't it? Also that you're working is a surprise as you must feel under a lot of pressure I think you will also be able to contact your council for the advocacy service via the internet if you think that would be helpful. Your GP should also have a webpage as in some surgeries it's possible to book online appointments.

    I'm sure it feels lonely when you have had company today. Perhaps you could make a start on listing places to contact for when your children are at home with you? I'm not sure but I think there are SureStart Support Groups and also Gingerbread if there is a group local to you. I think this would also be a good idea to show at the next cp meeting that you are thinking ahead to when your children will be home with you? I think the more supported you are, the better you will feel and is evidence that you have reached out into the community.

    I hope you manage to sleep tonight. Thanks again for coming back.

    Stay safe and take good care ..... you've been amazing today. Xx

  • I've been off work for nearly 2 years now as I've been so ill but I'm due to go back on 6th July and I've got to do it to make sure I can pay the mortgage. I'm dreading going back and seeing everyone again but I've got no choice. I actually work at the council so i might be able to email someone about the advocacy service once I'm back.

    What's gingerbread?

    I'm off to bed now, I hope I manage to get some sleep. It's been hard the last few nights waking up so early and not being able to get back to sleep.

    I'm hoping that I can cope with the kids but the reality is I don't think I'll be able to do it, I think I will fall apart and be so exhausted and unable to cope. I'll be working too so have that added pressure of getting to work on time and getting them both out of the house on time. The thought of doing it makes me have panic attacks, I know I'm not ready for it yet.

    I'm struggling tonight, my suicidal thoughts are so strong. I've got a banging headache and the idea of freeing myself from all this heartache and pain just feels liberating and like it's the right thing to do. No one would find me until Tuesday evening so I could be sure to do enough damage and make sure I was definitely gone. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry your struggling tonight and have a headache. I hope you manage to sleep as it's very warm. I know how hard it must be for you but please try and be strong. It sounds like you had a good day with your dad and children and there will be lots of days to look forward to when you fully recover, which you really will.

    Try not to worry yourself with thinking about managing your children, just take things a day at a time until you feel stronger.

    Gingerbread is a support group which might be helpful. Please stay safe and ring Samaritans if you need to talk during the night on 116 123. Take care. Xx

  • Hi kats88,

    I'm sorry you're struggling tonight and the suicidal thoughts are so strong, you're doing so well and things can and will get better.

    I think the anticipation of big change such as going back to work can be so much worse than the reality - or you can't see how you'll manage but when it comes to it, somehow you find a way. The routine and need to get you all where you need to be in the mornings might actually help in a way... but as lilybeth says, just take things one day at a time.

    I hope you get some sleep tonight. Thinking of you xx

  • Thank you both of you.

    I am trying to take it a day at a time, even an hour at a time right now because things are so bad. I was hoping to be asleep by now but my sleeping tablet hasn't worked so I'm still up and struggling.

    I hope that having a new routine to work towards will help in a way, as the kids need some stability and it looks like it's me that's going to have to give that to them. It still gives me panic attacks thinking of it though. Right now my parents do a lot but it won't be forever and I'll have to take them back eventually when I get unsupervised access to them.

    It's such a scary place to be. And my parenting assessment that starts of Tuesday for 8 sessions is scaring the life out of me and is bringing on panic attacks left right and centre. I just want to run away and hide. I'm not ready for all this xx

  • Did anyone ring the police on me?

  • No. What's happened? Are you ok? x

  • Hello Kats88

    Although our experiences are real we are all virtual so we didn't phone the police. Are you ok now? Are you at home?

    Take care.

  • No the police have dragged me to hospital under the mental capacity act. I'm sat here alone waiting for the psych team xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm really sorry you've been taken to hospital when that's not what you have wanted. That sounds horrible being dragged to hospital by the police. As others have said we didn't ring anyone, as you know this is an anonymous forum

    I really hope that you get support, I know you are struggling so much. Do write to us whenever you need to


  • Hello Kats88

    What an awful experience for you. Is it possible your dad can come to the hospital to be with you? I think the crisis team might have discharged you too early so it's not your fault.

    Take care .... we are all with you.

  • Thinking of you this morning at such a difficult time. You are not on your own, we are here listening to you.

  • My dad has my kids so can't come to be with me. I'm completely alone and I'm exhausted as they knocked on my door at 4.50am. They detained me under the mental capacity act xx

  • That must have been so awful at that time in the morning. Are you still waiting to be seen? I hope you are ok .... we are all thinking of you xx

  • They let me come home but then I was talking to a friend and said I had my day planned out and she thought I meant I had planned out my suicide so she's called the police again so now I'm waiting for them to come back out and take me back to hospital. You couldn't make this day up... all I wanted to do was have a sleep this afternoon as I'm exhausted from being woken up xx

  • I'm so sorry for you, it's such a misunderstanding between friends. It's a shame you are having to wait again to go back to hospital. Perhaps it might go in your favour if you tell them you are due to start your parenting sessions tomorrow? I'm not surprised you're exhausted. xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry you've had such an awful morning. It must be hard to know your friend has rung the police but I'm sure behind it is that she loves and cares about you and wants you to be safe.

    I know it's hard but do try to be open about how you really are, you are coping with so much, you need support , and it's ok to say that.

    Thinking of you a lot keep writing whenever you need to, we are here for you xx

  • It's not ok to say I need support because they will keep me in hospital when I'm fine and don't need to be there. I'm so stressed now that I've started seeing things again, there are spiders all over my house and they're trying to attack me. They're big and black and they're everywhere I look, trying to get away from my eye line but I see them.

    The police haven't turned up yet so I'm just lying in bed where I feel safest away from the spiders with my eyes closed just waiting for them to turn up. There's voices telling me to kill myself but no one knows about them as it's our secret, I promised I wouldn't tell on them. Xx

  • I hope you won't have to wait much longer as you're stressed now and that the voices will calm down. If you can tell the doctors how you really feel they will be able to help you as you must be so exhausted.

    Stay safe and take care Xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry you're having such horrible thoughts about the spiders.

    I hope too that they will come soon as you sound as the waiting sounds so stressful.

    Keep safe, it's good that you've found where you feel safest and the images and voices aren't as loud.

    Thinking of you x

  • They're not thoughts they're actually there. My whole house is infested. I can't tell anyone though because they will think I'm poorly and will lock me up when I'm actually ok. The voices are my secret, I live with them but I don't tell anyone because otherwise they might say I'm unwell. The police still haven't arrived so I'm assuming that they're not coming and even though my friend rang 999 they must believe I'm fine. I did call them to tell them I was fine. I don't need them to come and take me back to hospital again I just want to be left alone. I haven't taken my medication for a couple of days now and I just feel so lost and heartbroken over the loss of my husband xx

  • Hi kats88

    Your thoughts sound scary and I know you're feeling so alone.

    I know it is hard but Please do try and open up to someone and tell someone about how you are feeling. You deserve support, help and love. Can you phone your dad, or mum, on the phone?

    It's great you're writing to us. We are here for you


  • I've just spoken to my dad and he wasn't nice at all. He was sarcastic and nasty and told me to stop using forums like this xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Try to rest as you are having a tiring day. Perhaps your therapist will visit and you can ask about restarting your medication?

    Stay safe and don't worry .... we are with you xx

  • I'm not due to see my therapist until Thursday, I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow though so I'll speak to her about restarting it or I might just take it tomorrow and hope that it starts working. The police still aren't here and I want to try and sleep, it's the only way I feel safe from everything. My dad has just spoken to me and he called me stupid and said it was my own fault I ended up in hospital so I'm feeling a bit battered by that, he wasn't nice at all. I miss my husband, I really need him right now he knows what to do if I start relapsing again which I think I am. I just hide it away until I can't bear it anymore xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you will be able to see your care co-ordinator tomorrow, just for someone to talk to. I'm sorry your dad upset you, it's very hard for family to understand this illness and how it pushes you in one direction and another.

    If you think you're relapsing perhaps you should see your G.P as it's so hard to cope with all your feelings on your own. Stay safe. xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    it has been a difficult day. Intrusive thoughts are very tiring, too.

    thinking of you, -you are not alone.

    Be safe.

    Sabine xx

  • Hi kats88

    I'm so sorry your dad reacted like that, that is so hard.

    You are coping with so much.

    For myself I found keeping taking my medication essential to staying well , I know it's hard but do try and take it, meds really will help you to get better, this was my experience.

    It's really good you're seeing your care coordinator tomorrow. I know it's hard to be open but do try and be open with her, and tell her how you are feeling. I know you're fearful of what will happen but it will mean that they will know what you support you need.

    Thinking of you so much x

  • The police have just been. I told them I was fine and they left me to it. Now hopefully that's the end of it and I'm free to do what I want. They didn't take me back to hospital thank god, or make anyone come and be with me. So I'm back to being alone and scared because the spiders are everywhere I look. They're horrible. I hope I'm not relapsing because I can't bear for my medication to be increased again, it already makes me so tired. And I can't face another stay in hospital xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I think you need a good rest after such a stressful day. Hopefully your care co-ordinator will be able to advise you about your care plan tomorrow.

    Stay safe. xx

  • I'm resting now, just lying on the sofa watching tv. I've cried so much today my eyes hurt. I've spoken to my mum who is coming up on Saturday to see me because I'm so upset. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't keep afloat. I'm not coping at all with being alone, I want my husband back so much it hurts. I've told him how heartbroken I am but he just says his decision is made and nothing is changing his mind. It hurts so much to be rejected by the person you love unconditionally. I miss him so much. Xx

  • Hello again, Kats88

    I am so sorry that you feel so heart broken.

    However, I am pleased that you can find some rest now after such a turbulent day. Your mum is going to come this Saturday for support.

    Your care coordinator will be able to listen to you and develop your care plan according to your needs. Step by step you will be able to establish a support network.

    Stay safe and hope you can relax a bit. x

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad your mum is coming to see you on Saturday as you have been so upset today. Try to focus on tomorrow and getting the care plan in place with your care-co-ordinator so that you can have the support you need.

    If you can't use the phone and need help during the night the Samaritans have an email address which is jo@samaritans.org.

    Stay safe and take care xx

  • Thank you. I've just had a shower to wash the spiders off me because I can feel them crawling on me. My dog won't stop barking at me and it's making me stressed as I'm too tired to play with him. I think he's barking to warn me about the spiders but I've already seen them.

    I'm really struggling. I want to give up, my suicidal thoughts are strong and I'm battling to stay safe. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Hopefully the shower will help you to relax and sleep. Try to think about what a good time you had with your dad and your children on Sunday and how much they love you. It is a struggle but you can get through all of this and be happy again ........

    Please stay safe. You could also email the Samaritans just to talk through the night but I hope you can sleep.

  • Hi Kats88

    You are doing so well to reach out and get support even though you are feeling alone and missing your husband - like phoning your mum and dad (though I know your dad wasn't helpful), contacting your friend, and writing to us, and you are fighting the suicidal thoughts. You've had such a hard day. As the others say do contact the Samaritans if you need to.

    I do hope that you can get some support from your care coordinator tomorrow too, and I hope too you can rest and sleep tonight (I found sleep was so important). Is there something you can do to pass the time and distract yourself - like adult colouring, watching a favourite non taxing film, or anything else?

    Thinking of you a lot

    Ellie X

  • I don't feel like I can get through this and I certainly won't ever be happy again, my one shot at happiness has been robbed by pp and I'll never get it back. I just want my husband back but it's never going to happen.

    I'm fighting the suicidal thoughts but it's getting difficult, I just want to act on them now, I've had enough, today has been awful and it's just a reminder of how bad my life is now and how this is as good as it gets for me. A life of misery and isolation is not what I want, I'd rather be dead so I don't have to face it. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I know it feels hopeless at the moment and you don't believe that your life can get better or you can be happy again. I know it's really hard to believe but I promise you can get better, and live a really fulfilled life. I know you don't feel it, and you feel alone, but you do have family, and friends who care about you, and you will get better, if you get the right support.

    It's so good you are writing to us, hold on Kats88, there is light and hope though I know you don't feel it now.


  • I don't feel like there is any light in my life. Just a sad lonely existence. I've cleaned my lounge tonight to try and remove the spiders but it's no use, every time I blink I see them and I can feel them on me too. All I want to do is give up and let myself go, free from this agony wHich is my life. Free from all the hurt and heartache and loneliness. It feels peaceful thinking about it, knowing I could stop this pain if I just had the strength to act on my thoughts. My dad said I was being selfish but really I don't care, I am a terrible mother so the kids would be better off without me and so would the rest of my family as I just cause hurt and upset to all of them. Maybe it's not selfish but more selfless to kill myself as it would make their lives better too. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I know it feels like there is no light, and that your family would be better off without you, but that is the illness that is making you feel that way - it is not the 'truth'. This is what I found - after I started to get better, I realised that the depression and PP had distorted everything that I saw and felt, I couldn't see clearly. When I recovered it was like I could see clearly again.

    You can recover, you love your children, and your family, you are not a bad mum, you are just unwell. You will get better.

    I am going off line now as it is getting late, but do try and stay safe, do ring or contact someone if you need to - your mum? the Samaritans?

    Thinking of you a lot XX

  • Hi Kats88,

    What a terrible day you've had. I'm so sorry. Please don't think your family would be better off without you, it's not true. You've shown such strength already, you can beat this. Please do contact the Samaritans if you need to tonight, I hope you get some rest xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you were able to sleep. Try and tell the care co-ordinator how you really feel so that she can find the right help for you.

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • Thinking of you Kats88. Hope you are resting. You will be able to get through this tough time. You are so strong, despite feeling so poorly. You have managed to correspond with us and seeking help from your family.

    Mums on this forum are listening to you and feel for you. You are not on your own.

    Sabine x

  • Thank you everyone.

    My health visitor came out today and she started saying I wasn't well and she refused to leave until my care coordinator got here. She kept asking me what I'd taken despite not taking anything and she kept going on about how concerned she was.

    Eventually my care coordinator arrived and I basically told her I was fine and she agreed apart from me not eating and she said that the health visitor just wasn't used to dealing with people with pp and depression. I've had to agree to start eating again but I won't, I'll just tell them I'm eating salad etc which is why I'm still losing weight. I am not remotely hungry so there's no point in me eating just for the sake of it.

    The health visitor was really horrible and said she would recommend that I'm NEVER allowed to see my kids unsupervised. And the social worker called round as well and she's decided not to do the parenting assessment yet because it's too unfair on me as it wouldn't take into account my mental health problems.

    The spiders are still here and I can feel bugs crawling all over my face. This is like what I had in my last relapse so I'm frightened. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    It was good to hear your update.

    Can you open up at all to your care coordinator, as obviously you're really struggling, from everything you have said on here. It's so important you get support, and that your care coordinator knows how you really are, and the thoughts you're struggling with. It sounds like she is very understanding and sympathetic, and would be able to support you well. I really found that it was through being really honest with my care coordinator, psychologist, counsellor etc about how I really was, and the thoughts I was struggling with, that I was able to overcome them and get better.

    It's good to hear that they aren't going to do the parenting assessment yet, that must be a weight of your mind. It is true that it wouldn't be fair, when you are still feeling mentally unwell.

    Do you know when you'll see your Care Coordinator next?

    I wondered if you have taken your medication today? I know I have said it already, but I really found taking my medication, as agreed with my psychiatrist, was crucial to getting better and recovering. Your medication will help in terms of preventing a relapse.

    Do you have any plans today? can you keep yourself busy with something, and create a bit of a plan for yourself, I know this really helped me. you mentioned your dog, perhaps you could take him for a walk? I know it's so hot though!

    Thinking of you,

    Ellie X

  • I can't really open up to anyone because of the child protection plan. Everything I say gets passed back to social services and is viewed negatively. Social services already looked down on the trip to hospital yesterday and said they would have to speak to their manager about it because it's yet another step backwards.

    I'm next seeing her on Friday at 3pm. They've stopped me driving as of today too so they've totally isolated me and taken away my freedom. I can't even go to my dads house now to see the kids. I feel even more alone and rubbish now.

    I have taken my medication today so hopefully that will help. I have no plans, I was really tired so I came up for a nap but haven't really slept, just relaxed in bed where it's safe. Xx

  • Hello Kats,

    I am pleased your health visitor came today. My health visitor was a lovely and a very professional lady. She was with me in the first two years. I was able to be very open to her.

    I usually made a list of all the things which were positive and negative with the way how I felt. In a way I kept a diary. Even though I did not trust, I was able to built a relationship with my health visitor and always used my notes. My concentration level was low and anxiety extremely high.

    The health visitor, my GP and care coordinator all had been included in my care plan. They were the link to my family. Everybody involved created a backbone in order to help and support me. When being so poorly I made sure to tell everybody involved exactly how I was feeling, which was of vital importance. They were able to feedback to my Psychiatrist, who was making sure that I have had the right medication and learn to take them regularly, not only when in hospital, but also at home.

    The Crisis Team and Social Services had been involved in my case too, as I was unable to look after my baby. Once the support network had been established, Social Services was not part of the Support Network anymore. Priority is the health and welfare of mum and baby.

    Those intrusive thoughts is part of your illness. I only realised much later that several teams including members of my family wanted nothing else, but making sure I would feel better.

    We are all thinking of you on this forum. Please do communicate with the professionals. I learnt to look after my baby once the Psychosis was beaten.

    Try and rest, because you have had two visits. You may feel exhausted or your mind is racing.

    Stay safe x

  • My health visitor is a horrible woman. She had the cheek to tell me I'd never get unsupervised access to my own children. All I have is depression, so many mum's have depression and are allowed their children so why can't I? It's just not fair, at all. I hate the health visitor and am going to write to her manager and formally decline the health visiting service as I believe is my right. She's not professional at all and she certainly isn't lovely. She just went on about how unwell I am and asking if I'd taken anything when I hadn't.

    I can't communicate with the professionals as everything I say is immediately sent back to the social worker who acts like everything is concerning when it's not. All I want is unsupervised access to my children and I want them back with me. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Try not to worry about what the Social Worker has said because, as your care-co-ordinator mentioned, she is probably not used to dealing with PP and depression. She probably doesn't have the authority to say that anyway and is very insensitive. If she had any knowledge about PP she would know that it's a temporary illness and very treatable. Depression too is also manageable with the right support. Social Services usually want to keep families together so I don't think she should have said you will never be able to have unsupervised access.

    I think if you are unhappy with the Social Worker you will be able to ask that she is not sent to you again rather than decline the service. Perhaps a more experienced Social Worker can be sent next Friday instead as their support will help you to access other services to help in your care. I think they can help with domestic jobs around the house until you are back on your feet. Your hospital visit yesterday was due to a misunderstanding with a friend and you were seen and discharged so I don't think it was a setback.

    I'm sorry to hear you're unable to drive from today to see your children at your dad's. Is there a bus service or coach you could use instead? .

    It seems your care co-ordinator is more understanding. Don't be discouraged by what has happened today. Try to build a plan to get over the obstacles ..... although your main travel to see your children will be affected, try to find an alternative so that Social Services can see you have made the effort to see them. Keep taking your medication to keep you stable so Social Services can see you are compliant. As you slowly recover and Social Services can see an improvement they will probably review the access arrangements as they are not set in stone.

    Perhaps you will be able to talk to your therapist on Thursday about a plan to take you forward?I'm glad your mum is visiting on Saturday to comfort and reassure you that you are coping really well and you can fully recover.

    Stay safe and strong ..... step by step you will have better days. You're a loving mum having a hard time, which the care co-ordinator has recognized, so don't be disheartened. xx

  • I am totally disheartened, it feels like I'm never going to be allowed to be in sole charge of my children. Especially now the parenting assessment has been postponed so they can't even say I'm good at parenting the children. It's just not fair, my ex husband is clearly having a breakdown but he's still allowed to be with the children alone but I'm not allowed and I've just got depression. I don't know what the point of living is because without my kids there's no hope at all.

    I've taken my medication today as well so I am being compliant even though I don't see the point in taking it because it's not working anyway. There's no bus service to my dads it's straight down the motorway so sadly I'm just even more isolated now as I can't afford a taxi as it's £50 each way. I don't know how I'm going to cope not being allowed to drive, it was my only way of getting out and about. I don't live near town so walking isn't an option and there's no bus service to Tesco either.

    I just feel really shitty today after everything that's happened. I've totally lost the will to live xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Don't give up hope! In a way I think it's a good that the parenting assessment has been postponed to give you a chance to feel a bit better when the sessions are next arranged. Try to believe in yourself ...... you are a good mum battling an awful illness and other issues. Your children love you unconditionally and you will find a way to show that you can cope.

    If your medication isn't working can you ask your G.P for a review or let the therapist know? I'm sure your dad will be able to bring your children to meet you as you said he can if needed. Or is there a megabus (uk.megabus.com) service in your area as they provide very cheap travel on motorways? Or is there a train route you could try? Tesco provide a delivery service via the internet so you could try that instead of using the phone. I think you just need to consider all options and don't be defeated.

    It's been hard for you today but hold on to the happiness you bring to your children when you visit them and their love for you in return.

    We are all with you. xx

  • My husband has just told me that the social worker said it will be up to a year before I'm allowed the kids on my own. A year!!! I don't have a year to wait, I can't do that, I just can't. I can't have supervised contact for a whole year of their lives.

    There's no trains to my dads and he can't drive as he is blind so he relies on me driving to see the kids. It's the only chance I get to see them so they can't take that away from me. I'm going to drive regardless of what they say.

    I've already told my psychiatrist that it isn't working but his method is just to keep increasing the dose. I'm now on 375mg venlafaxine which is as high as it goes and I still want to kill myself. Even more so now I know it could be over a year before I get to see my kids alone again. I don't see what I've got to live for xx

  • H kats88

    It sounds like you've had a really tough day. Not being able to drive for the moment sounds hard but I wonder if there are other options? We don't have a car and I don't drive, and I do manage to get around. It sounds hard for you though, in your situation.

    I know that it seems like it is better just to tell those supporting you that you are fine, but from my experience , and hearing from others (for example jasa who wrote about her experience), if you are open and honest with professionals supporting you, telling them how you are struggling and your thoughts, that will probably be seen in a positive light, rather than negative, as you are seeking help and accessing and using all the support. They will probably worry more, and be concerned, if you just keep saying you are fine, when it seems that they are aware that you're struggling (for example not letting you drive). In my experience mental health professionals really care and want to help.

    It's so great you want your kids back with you, hold onto this, this will help you recover. I know my son was one of my main motivations when I was fighting the depression.

    Take care, thinking of you x

  • I can get the bus into town but there are no other options for getting to my dads house, we are on opposite train lines, I'd have to get about 5 buses to get there and I can't afford a taxi.

    I've just about had all I can take. Life has thrown so much at me and I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong enough, I can't cope. All I want is my family back to how it was but I'm never going to have that again. My life is over xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Try not to be so anxious and wait to see what your therapist thinks on Thursday. Perhaps she will be able to ask the psychiatrist for advice regarding your medication.

    I'm really sorry I assumed your dad could drive.

    I'm going offline now as it's late but if you do need support during the night, please email the Samaritans, jo@samaritans.org.

    Stay safe. I hope you will be able to sleep.

  • Hello Kats88

    We are all thinking of you .... take care today. xx

  • Hi kats88 thinking of you today x

  • I got some sleep but I've been up all morning with a stomach bug, I feel horrific. I haven't eaten so it's just bile and I can't bear it. This is the last thing I need especially in this heat. I've had to cancel the social worker coming round and I'm just lying in my bed feeling sorry for myself. I'm tempted to take an overdose and hope it knocks me out for a few hours xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. I think if you drink plenty of water it might help but if you are still not well a visit to your doctor might be an idea.

    Stay safe and take care. xx

  • Dear Kats88

    I am sorry you feel poorly. It is rather hot at the moment. Suggestion of water is a good idea for a bad stomach.

    I am thinking of you, we all do on this forum. It is good to talk.

    Try to stay safe. xx

  • I want to be dead xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I'm so sorry you're feeling sick. As others say it's so important that you drink a lot as you will get dehydrated, and even more so in this heat.

    When you stop feeling sick I'd also really recommend eating a bit, as not eating will mean you have poor immune system, and you will pick up bugs more easily. I know you are feeling so low but it's so important to try and look after yourself. You can fight this horrible illness.

    It sounds like you're struggling so much. Do ring your doctor, or even your mental health team, and you can also ring Samaritans. I know it's hard but they can help you.

    Try to rest too, maybe watch a fun guilty pleasure film to distract you?

    Thinking of you a lot X

  • I am resting, I'm just lying in bed watching tv I tried to take pills to knock me out but they didn't work and I'm still here and awake. I haven't even got up today, all I want is to die, I can't think of anything else. My life is a mess and there's no hope of it ever getting better. I'm totally lost, I feel like I'm not strong enough to be here any more. I am existing, not living, and it feels terrible.

    I've eaten some jelly babies today but that's all I can stomach, I'm just not hungry at all. I've lost the will to eat and live, I just want it all over now. I don't feel like anyone can help me, I am alone and I miss my old life so much it hurts xx

  • Hello Kats88

    Hopefully you will feel better by resting today. Your therapist might be able to help you tomorrow with things that are hard for you. I think your mum's visit on Saturday might make all the difference to how you feel and can go forward.

    Stay safe. xx

  • I hope you're right because right now I feel so hopeless and depressed. I don't want to be here any more. I've tried, I've done my best, but it isn't good enough. I'm a rubbish mum and a rubbish wife so much so my husband can't even bear to be near me and I've failed at every bit of my life. Everyone would be better off if I wasn't around, it would make life so much easier for everyone. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I think we have all felt helpless and hopeless but with the right support from your therapist and other professionals you will get better. I know it's very hard to believe at the moment but it's really possible.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself. You're not a rubbish mum and you mean everything to your children so try to be positive. Can you speak to your mum or dad for support until your mum's visit on Saturday?

    Hopefully the therapist will sort the care plan out for you tomorrow and your mum will find a way to lift your mood ...... even just a hug can do that :) Stay safe Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    I know it feels hopeless but there is always hope. It's like breaking your leg, but instead of your leg it is your brain. It is not your fault. You are more than the depression. You are more than the illness. Inside there is the 'real' you, the well you, and you can find that again.

    Have you ever heard of the book 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig? He suffered / suffers from depression and anxiety, he had a breakdown, and has been suicidal. I haven't read all the book but I've read some of it. It is very easy to read, lot's of short quotes. Also there is an audio version of it which you might find easier? A lot of people say it has really helped them.


    One quote I like:

    'Depression is also smaller than you. Always, it is smaller than you, even when it feels vast. It operates within you, you do not operate within it. It may be a dark cloud passing across the sky but - if that is the metaphor - you are the sky. You were there before it. And the cloud can't exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud.'

    I know you are at rock bottom now, but that means you can only get better. Please - do try and open up completely with the people supporting you - your therapist, your care coordinator, even the social worker or health visitor, also your mum at the weekend. I know it's so hard but I really feel that it would be a first small step in you overcoming this, and getting better.

    Thinking of you X

  • I have told my mum how much I am struggling, I cried when I was on the phone to her the other day. I think that's why they're coming up Saturday so she can check im still here and doing ok. I just feel so down and I can't drag myself out of it this time, Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    You will get better. It is not hopeless. You are not alone, we are here for you and care about you, and I know your family do too. We are all proof that you will recover and get better. We have all recovered from PP.

    I know the thoughts can be really strong but its important to try and fight them.

    Talk to someone and tell them how you feel. I know you're seeing your therapist tomorrow, or talk to your mum on Saturday.

    Remember, you can ring Samaritans anytime, or email them:

    116 123


    Thinking of you X

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sure your mum is worried about you and how low you are feeling. A few days ago in this thread you said that your children need stability and you would be the one to give that to them. I know that depression is awful but it can be managed. The thoughts you have are not your own but the illness. Your children need you to be strong so you have to fight your thoughts and get help for yourself. With the right care plan you will have the support you need. Please try to be open with the therapist tomorrow so that she can help you.

    Try to rest tonight. I'm going offline now but please email the Samaritans if you need help during the night. Stay safe and take care.

  • Hi Kats88,

    I know it is hard to believe at the moment but you will get better from this. I suffered from a really nasty depression after PP and I too felt that I was just existing and couldn't see myself ever getting better. This is the illness, it is not you, it is the hardest thing to go through but I know you will get better.

    I hope your therapy session goes well tomorrow, I found therapy really helpful and told my therapist exactly how I felt. She really helped me work through my thoughts.

    Sending you a big hug. We are all thinking of you and here for you. You are not alone in this. Xxxxx

  • Hello Kats88,

    hope you have found some sleep.

    hope your therapy session will go well.

    I am thinking of you.

    You are not alone, we are listening to you on this forum.

    Big virtual hug. xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you managed to rest last night and that your therapist will be able to help today.

    Stay safe and take care.

  • I got some sleep thanks to taking zopiclone to force me to sleep. I'm not seeing my therapist today because my husband is refusing to take me and Ella and I'm not allowed on my own with Ella so i can't get a bus or taxi. So another day alone just struggling through. Xx

  • Hi Kats88, I'm sorry you are still feeling so low. We are all worried about you and I hope that you can consider making contact with a trusted professional.

    I’m also including here some helpful information and resources for anyone affected by the content of this thread:


    I also wanted to reassure the community that we are in private message contact with you and are supporting you as much as we can, with the help of APP's clinical advisors.

    Please try and stay safe, you can get through this, you are not alone, xx

  • I don't want to stay safe. I've told my therapist about my plans and she was very kind. I went without Ella so I could drive. I didn't bother having my injection this week so I'm relapsing I think but I don't care. I'm meant to be seeing my care coordinator tomorrow but I'm not going to answer the door. Everyone can leave me alone now because I've come to the end of my recovery and it's not happening for me. Xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm sorry it's been a difficult time for you. I'm glad the therapist was very kind today. Did she help with your care plan? It might be a good idea to think about seeing your care co-ordinator tomorrow as she too only wants to help. Please stay safe .... your mum will be with you on Saturday so that's something to look forward to. Xx

  • No she doesn't deal with care plans she just deals with my thoughts. She's called my care coordinator and they're going to come round tomorrow or ring the police so I'm going to have to answer the door. I know I'm going to be sectioned and put on 121. I can't bear this xx

  • Hello Kats88,

    I am so pleased you could talk to your therapist.

    It is good to communicate and to focus on your mum's arrival this Saturday.

    Thinking of you, - women on this forum are listening to you.

    Keep safe, please.


  • I am going to be stuck in hospital when my mum comes, I just know I am. Unless I take drastic action to avoid going which is a real possibility. My therapist has just called my husband and told him to keep an eye on me tonight to try and stop me doing anything but he doesn't care about me so won't keep an eye on me. No one cares about me, I am all alone in this world with people trying to keep me alive when I don't want to be. I don't want to be sectioned at all, but I know it's going to happen tomorrow xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    I'm glad you've managed to talk to your therapist, its a huge step, well done. I too remember thinking that nobody cared about me. Dealing with suicidal urges and psychosis is exhausting so try to get some sleep. Try to take each day at a time; when you are low it's so hard, but talking can help. Please get in touch with the Samaritans if you need to - call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

    Take care, we are all thinking of you, xx

  • I've emailed them as I don't feel very safe right now xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I'm glad you have recognized that you don't feel safe and have contacted the Samaritans. I hope they will reply and be able to give you support throughout the night if needed. Is it possible you can contact your friend for support too or your mum and dad, although it's late now?

    I'm going offline shortly so please take care. You can also go to A & E at your local hospital if you are feeling vulnerable. xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you were able to rest last night. We are all thinking about you today.

    Please take care and stay safe. xx

  • Thinking of you Kats22

    It's so good that you talked to your therapist, and emailed the Samaritans. Opening up and asking for help is the first small step to getting better. You can get better, just taking one step at a time.

    Take care, we're here for you

    Ellie X

  • Dear Kats22,

    I haven't been on the forum for a long while but I wanted to wish you well and hope that you got the help you needed last night. You can and will get through this - minute by minute, hour by hour.

    Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best,

    Kat xx

  • Thank you, my care coordinator has just called and shes coming at 11am with the police if I don't answer the door. I don't want to answer, I don't need anyone's help, I just want to be gone xx

  • Hi Kats88

    Thinking of you, hold on, it's so good you are writing to us on here and are reaching out for support. It is the illness that is giving you these thoughts, with one small step at a time you will get better

    X X

  • Hi Kats88

    I just wanted to say we're thinking of you.

    I'm not sure if you have anyone with you at the moment?

    Remember you can always dial 999 if you are feeling really unsafe.

    Take care, we're here whenever you want to write X

  • My care coordinator has just gone, she's recommending a mental health act assessment. I knew I was going to get sectioned again, this will be the 5th time. All I can hope for is telling them I'm fine and hopefully getting through the assessment. Xx

  • Hi Kats88

    Do they know when they may do the assessment?

    Do try and be honest with them, and tell them how you feel. With support you can recover and get better.

    How are you at the moment, are you on your own or is your husband or someone else still with you? I hope you can rest, until you get help.


  • THeyre doing the assessment today but I'm going to run away, I'm not having it. I'm not being sectioned again xx

  • Hi Kats88

    We are all here for you. Just to let you know I have private messaged you.


  • Hello Kats88

    It must be a very stressful day for you. Although you've been very strong to resist your thoughts, you deserve to be well again and can't really do it without support. I hope you have company while you wait to hear about the assessment.

    Thinking of you .... take care. xx

  • I've just read your latest post and would ask you to stay calm and think about your safety. It's so hard for you and I can understand your fight or flight response but please stay at home.

    Perhaps they will assess you for treatment at home and not section you? After my second PP I think I've said I was mainly treated at home and although it seemed there was a revolving door with all the professionals visiting, I did fully recover.

    You've been so strong .... can you ask your mum to come today to be with you?

  • My mum is working so she can't come up. I'm all on my own and I've told my care coordinator that I'm not going into hospital under any circumstances. I'm just going to have to run away so they can't find me. Xx

  • If you have told your care co-ordinator that you are not going into hospital perhaps she is trying to arrange alternative support for you, like the support I had? Please don't leave the house. xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    We are all here and thinking of you. We will be with you every step of the way through this.

    Stay safe xxx

  • Thank you. I've come back to bed as its exhausting talking to people and having the voices telling me to kill myself. Xx

  • The amhp has just called... im hoping and praying that she won't go ahead with the assessment as I've told her I'm fine xx

  • Hi kats88

    You are doing so well to keep fighting the voice. It's good you went to bed, I hope you can rest. Please try to be open about how you feel, and then the professionals can help you.

    Take care we are all here for you.

  • They're doing the assessment 😔 In ten minutes. Xx

  • Thinking of you kats88. You are being so brave xx

  • They're outside discussing whether I'm being sectioned or not. Regardless they've told me I can't stay at home xx

  • Hi kats88

    I know you don't feel it now but it is good that you will get help... you can get through this. You can get better. thinking of you so much, well done for staying and facing the assessment. Do write whenever you want to.


  • I'm being sectioned 😪 I don't want to go into hospital xx

  • Hi Kats88,

    You've done so well today. I know going into hospital again isn't what you want but it's good you'll be looked after. We're here for you and care about you. You can get through this.

    Sending you hugs xx

  • My ex husband is going to block the section xx

  • Hello Kats88

    I hope you're ok and settling in. Perhaps your mum will pop in to see you tomorrow? It's not where you want to be but at least you'll be safe now until you feel stronger.

    Take care. xx

  • I've not been sectioned, my ex husband blocked it xx

  • Hi kats88

    I too was going to say that though I know it's hard and you don't want to go to hospital but that being there will help keep you safe and give you that intensive support. Remember that it's temporary just till you begin to recover.

    But you say your ex husband has blocked it. Do you know why?

    Take care

  • Because I asked him to. They wanted to put me on a section 3, but I didn't want to go in. He objected and I've been sent to my dad's house to stay until Tuesday when they have a professionals meeting about me. They might try to displace my ex as nearest relative so they can still section me but hopefully they won't. I didn't want to come to my dads but I had no choice, they wouldn't let me stay at home on my own xx

  • Hi kats88

    How are you feeling? Are you with anyone?

    I know you don't want to go to hospital but it would be a safe place, as others have said, and you can get intensive support there to help you take the first steps towards getting better.

    Take care x

  • I wrote my last message before I read your update.

    It is good you're not alone.

    Take care, we are all thinking of you x

  • I don't want to be here either, I want to go home but I'm stuck here or I'll have to go to hospital. My care coordinator was fuming that my ex blocked the section she was begging them to take me in. They tried to get me to go voluntarily but I refused. I'm so glad I'm not in hospital but equally angry that I have to be here and not at home where I belong. Xx

  • Hi kats88

    It must be really hard to have to stay somewhere you don't want to be.

    But it does sound like your care coordinator cares about you and is wanting you to be safe.

    You can get through this. Keep talking openly to people when you can.

    Take care x

  • Hello Kats88

    Good to hear from you. At least you're safe and have company where you are. I hope your mum will be able to visit today.

    Take care xx

  • My mum isn't coming today, her and my dad don't get on so she's not coming anymore. Which is a shame but never mind. I am just counting down the days until I can go home again xx

  • Hello Kats88

    That's a shame you won't see your mum today. Is the care co-ordinator coming back to review you again next week?

    Take care. xx

  • Yes I'm seeing her on Monday and again Tuesday when I find out if they've displaced my ex husband as nearest relative. If they do I'll be sectioned on Tuesday. xx

  • Hello Kats88

    You are doing really well coping with all the stress you must be under until you find out. It's hard but they want what's best for you. Take care. xx

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